A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I have been drilled from a young age to be a gentleman to women. I have been kind, courteous, a good listener in addition to being myself. However, the unspoken message from any woman I've dated (I've never been on a second date) is that they don't want to have a relationship or sex with me.Yet I do want to start a relationship and have sex with them but I don't want to push them away by being overly flirty/dirty. I try to be interested in my dates and mutually get to know each other. Yet this tactic has only got me a hug and no second date. I think I must be giving out a unintended impression that I'm asexual.What am I missing to let women know that I want more than to get to know them? What sort of things can I do/say on a first/second date?
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female
reader, odeer123  +, writes (15 September 2013):
 Well, just ask yourself this... do you want the type of women who enjoy sleazy men and perverted stares, or do you want the type of woman who respects herself, and won't tolerate her date looking in the wrong places? If you prefer the prior, then you needs to shovel in some flirts and some dirty behaviour. If you prefer the latter, then stick to what your doing, and be patient. Sooner or later someone will be attracted to you and seek out a second date, if you haven't done so already.Personally, with a desire to brag, but a desire to give you real life examples; I am an attractive, and single woman, and I ALWAYS prefer the GENUINE polite, courteous, and respectful men, and I would certainly not appreciate someone trying to imitate these actions just to get into my pants.You sound like a nice guy. :) Keep treating your women with respect, and you'll get there. Maybe you expect too much from a first date? I know a few people who make sure they date as many people as possible - Only a rare few get past the first, because they really clicked.However, even with the nice guy approach, ANY woman is grateful for a compliment or two, and appreciates being asked about themselves. :)Good luck!
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 September 2013): Hi, I am a woman and I can tell you that for me a man who is sexually attracted to me but covers it and tries to be gentelman is what I like to see in my 1st date. He shows that he wants me but he has respects for me. The best is when there is sexual tension built between us. I googled " sexual tendion" and I liked this link. becomeaplayer.com/articles/takethingssexual.htm. You can find other webpages and educate yourself. Onething that turns me on is also when a guy is slightly aggressive and is not toooo soft. He surprises me with a kiss or comes close to me and shows me that he wants me and likes to be in my personal space. It reminds me of a man who knows how he wants you sexually and takes control. However, if there is no sexual trnsion already there, the girl would feel offended.There is a fine line between aggressive in sexy way and desirable , and agrresive in a scary way. It should come nayurally. So if you are not sure, don't go there. Best of luck with you and keep us updated...
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A
female
reader, ModelCitizen +, writes (13 September 2013):
To me you are doing everything right, apart from maybe flirting a bit more and making them laugh. A woman will want to see you again if you make her feel interesting and desirable. Usually a couple of small jokes at your own expense will help too because they show her you don't take yourself too seriously. Oh and while I agree that Cerberus' way of faking conversation probably does work, I'd continue to be a good listener if I were you. Not only is it a great quality to have, but you also want to make sure you actually have something in common with someone so you can decide whether YOU want to see THEM again.
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A
female
reader, R1 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Why do you assume that because you don't get a second date people see you as asexual?? You need a female friend to give you an honest analysis of why you aren't attractive to women... Maybe it's confidence? Or charisma?
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): Just to clear up I didn't mean staring, a quick glance is fine. In my experience they notice more when you haven't sneaked a peak than when you do.
OP there's a reason women dress up for a date and there's nothing wrong with appreciating that in a subtle way.
For example I start off every date by giving them a glance up and down and complimenting their appearance.
Can't exactly pay that compliment if you haven't had a look as it's just a platitude then.
You can tell what a woman is likely to like by how she dresses, if she's wearing a figure hugging dress and has her goods on display she'll appreciate verbal recognition of her efforts. If she's wearing frumpy clothes as a cover up then you focus on complimenting her face and intellect.
It's not hard OP, women are an open book in that regards, they don't have their tits out on display with only barely their nipples covered if they don't want you to notice. They don't remain covered up with the bare minimum showing if they want you leering at them.
Body language is also a dead give away, are they open posture or guarded, do they shudder at your touch or are they comfortable with it? Do they walk/talk confidently and loudly or are they more reserved and quiet.
For the quiet ones who are guarded I always go for the deep meaningful conversations about their intellectual passions, they're generally cerebral and much more at ease with a person they feel a mental connection with.
My advice is only circumstantial in a lot of ways. Some women detest the idea of holding open doors for them. Others really don't like talking about themselves too much. Some women want you to drooling when you see them at first and others would rather you focused all your attention on conversation. Sometimes the quiet ones are actually really promiscuous and will sleep with you that night. You just have to adapt as you go along.
The fact remains though OP, you have to be more assertive about what you want, if you want that woman then regardless of how the first date went, convince her to go on another. Try everything to make her comfortable with you, feel desirable and that you're interested, and of course relax and have fun.
The basics are easy. Remember the first date is a business transaction, regardless of whatever puffy romantic shit women try to say it is. It's about money. They want you to pay for everything to prove they're a product you're interested in buying. Women link a guy's worth to his willingness to spend money on them on the first date. Most women won't even give you a second look if you don't pay up.
That, holding doors, passing the waiter test, pulling out chairs are the only "gentleman" things you have to do. The bullshit customs they expect that in turn makes them a lot easier to handle so it's usually worth paying up as it makes them easier. Think about it, holding a door says nothing at all about a man other than he knows it works, yet they seem so impressed by it they somehow think a guy is nice because of that, when really he could be deciding how best to cut up her body.
In my experience doing the gentleman thing makes them think you're nice, before you've even said a word them thinking you're nice, respectful and polite makes them far more open to having a few drinks with you, which in turn makes them more open to other stuff. A guy who holds doors open makes them feel safe.
It all depends on what you want OP. Before I got married I took each woman on what would work best on getting what I want from her. Most of the time that was just sex. I tried the meaningful dating thing looking for something serious and it just didn't work as well at all.
If I was very impressed by a date then I wouldn't try and engineer sex so soon, but all the rest I just did what it took, completely legally of course.
For women who didn't impress me then I made sure I got my money's worth by getting a shag. As soon as I realized she was going to expect me to pay for everything then sex always became my main goal. Because frankly 90% of women I've dated really weren't as special as they thought they were to deserve such payment.
A woman insisting on paying her half was one I could respect because she wanted to judge me on my merit as a person not some meaningless customs.
I say all this OP so you know how I date, so you can decide for yourself whether it would suit you or not. There are no set formulas you must figure out your own style.
Just become more assertive and there's nothing wrong with ranking women either OP. Just because they all think they're special doesn't mean you have to. Some are only good for sex, others aren't even worth "buying", I mean "being a gentleman" to.
Some women are only worth a shag others are only worth a quick fumble it depends on their personality, I've dated some horrible women and literally most I've dated had a weird sense of entitlement.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 September 2013):
 Cerberus does make some good points, but I just wanted to add one more thing:
I left my now fiance at the end of our first date with a hug, we are getting married next August : )
So just because a girl doesnt like to kiss on a first date doesnt mean she's not interested, just means she's got standards!
And FYI if I saw a guy checking out my ass and then smiling, I'd think what a creep and make a mental note not to see him again. Holding a door open would make me smile, think 'what a gent' and make me want to see him again.
Sorry you are getting conflicting advice, and yes some girls might enjoy sleazy men staring at their ass but I'm not one of them. Hence why I said its so important that you review the type of women you are going for, some girls like the sleazy ass men, other girls like the nice guys who hold doors open. You just need to find the latter of the two, or turn into a sleazy ass man and then only attract the crazy women who are addicted to drama and like to be treated badly.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 September 2013): I had the same problem when I was a teenager, basically overly respectful.
What you need to understand OP is that women only want a gentlemen in terms of paying for the date, holding the seats, opening the doors and all the usual bullshit customs they demand. In other words they don't want a real gentleman they want a superficial one, only a guy who knows how to perform those customs which is expected of "gentlemen". When it comes to desire they want a rogue. They want a guy who so very obviously wants them sexually but is not too sleazy about it.
OP firstly get rid of this mutually get to know each other bullshit, the trick most of the time is to listen, or at least pretend to like I do. I've a knack for thinking about football or other such things while memorizing the last sentence she spoke so I can then ask another question based on what she said. That makes me sound like I'm listening and interested in what she has to say. When most of time they talk shit I don't care about, but it's very important you remember certain details about her if you manage to get a second date.
You don't want her to get to know you, you want to impress her and you do that by letting her talk about herself, by asking questions about her. By seeming interested in her inane bullshit about her hopes and dreams and by doing your homework a bit. Facebook is awesome for doing some quick research on people. I helped a friend research one of his dates who worked in actuary, liked to play volleyball as a hobby and liked horrors and comedies. We found out specific ones on facebook she liked, so he did a bit of reading on those, read up on what actuary was and her company, including some big news of theirs from a few months back that he could ask her about. Basically he did enough background on her to know the things she liked enough that he only had to read up on those things and he could pretend he was interested in the same things and he did it well enough where they could have good conversations about those things.
Look lots of ladies will come on here and say I'm wrong, in certain respects they're right. My attitude isn't one which they appreciate but you need to become more of a predator when it comes to women and start thinking with your dick more. I was raised by a woman only, with three sisters so I was overly respectful of them, have always treated them like full equals worthy of the utmost respect to the point where I suppressed any display of my sexual desire for them in any kind of overt way. But that does not work in dating, showing a sexual desire is the most important part.
You do that with eye contact. You need to learn how show that subtle, "you intrigue me" look without looking like a psycho. You also do it with flirting. Physical flirting, verbal flirting. It's a date for romance OP, not for friendship.
Basically OP start showing more desire, and stop being so respectful. Respect doesn't make their knickers wet. Holding a door open makes them think you're nice, being caught checking out their ass as you do and smiling shows desire too.
Women expect us guys to want them sexually when we go on dates with them, if they don't get that vibe from you they won't feel it either unless you're better looking than Ryan Gosling.
OP the first date is about setting up stall. If they're leaving thinking you're nice but only worthy of a hug then you treated it like a meeting with a friend. When you hear people say they felt no spark that's what they mean. Women are very susceptible to touch, so touch them in subtle ways. When you open a door for them guide them in with your hand gently on their back. Compliment them too but not over the top.
Most of all though OP remember, women like to think they're special and you should feel lucky they agreed to meet you in the first place, that's why they expect us to pay for the "privilege" of their time. Use that to your advantage. Know the customs of what they think a "gentleman" is and follow them, but in all other ways you need to serve your needs and get what you want. "Nice guys" finish last because they care about what the woman wants. All that matters is you know what you want and you work on getting that.
Stop being a gentleman and understand what women really want is a guy who knows what he wants and knows how to take it because at the end of the day women want to be taken.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (13 September 2013):
I dont think I've ever known any woman to think a guy is 'asexual' - we are fairly clued up you know, we know men like sex and we learn that from a young age!
I think there is a combination of problems here, none of which involve you being too nice or asexual.
1. Are you actually asking the girl out on a second date? Or just waiting for her to ask you out again? It would be very rare for a girl to ask you on a second date, normal dating etiquette on a first date would be to hug at the end of it (not all girls will kiss on a first date either) and then the girl waits to hear from the guy via text/phone/email asking her out on another date. Its nice as a female at the end of the 1st date to hear from the guy when he gets home saying 'hope you got home ok, had a great time with you tonight. I'm free next xxx if you fancy going for a drink/cinema/meal?'
Going in for a kiss at the end of a 1st date would give the girl more of an idea that you want more than just friendship, so look out for signs that she likes you and is flirting with you throughout the date, then at the end of the night when you have a hug, when she goes to pull away keep your arms around her waist, look into her eyes and then go for the kiss.
2. Flirting. Yes you dont want to seem overly dirty, but flirting is important and that shows a girl you like her. So touch her arm from time to time (not too much though), sit close to her if you can, be a little bit cheeky with a few jokes, have a bit of banter with her (dont be too soft all the time, if she for example spills something or says something daft its fine to take the mickey a little bit, banter is fun and you need to have a laugh).
3. That brings me onto my next point - laughing. I've always looked for a gentleman when I was dating (before I met my fiance - I am 26 btw so not ancient either!), opening doors etc is lovely and I would always notice it and appreciate it. However equally as important as good manners and being a gentleman is laughter. I need to find the guy I'm dating funny. He needs to make me laugh, I need to make him laugh and we need to have fun together. So dont be too nice in fear of offending her if you made a joke, girls can take a joke you know so a bit of fun is a good thing.
4. Where are you meeting these girls and what sort of girls do you go for? How old are they? The reason I ask is because I'm wondering whether you are just picking the wrong girls. There are some girls that only want bad guys covered in tatoos that treat them mean and mess them around. So if you are going for these girls of course you will never get a 2nd date! So you need to evaluate the girls you are dating to understand where you are going wrong and if you maybe need to broaden your search.
Learn this lesson - THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO NICE. Ok some girls like a bad boy, and there is no hope for those girls - they are silly, immature and enjoy game playing. But these girls are the minority. My friends and I are all in our mid-twenties and its safe to say not one of us likes a bad boy. We all love men with good manners, who are old-fashioned gents, who text us straight after a date to say how much they enjoyed it rather than making us wait 3 days-1 week before we hear from them again. Games are boring, nice guys who treat us well are what we want.
So there is nothing wrong with YOU as such, its most likely you are picking the wrong girls and possibly not flirting enough to make them realise you like them. Then the post date behaviour might be wrong as well.
Let us know what type of girls you go for, how old they are, where you meet them, what you tend to do after a date and we might be able to narrow it down to see where you are going wrong.
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A
male
reader, jiggaman22 +, writes (13 September 2013):
It seems to me my friend that you are going about these dates in a typical "comic book guy attitude" of course, one cannot make such a detailed explanation due to the lack of information or example of previous dates, however; you can be flirty and give cheeky smiles without coming across as dirty etcetera, I myself am a gentleman; doing all those things that you think that might make you look asexual.You must come across as relaxed on a date; if you seem tense, she will also tense up. Smile at her, laugh with her, let her get to know the real you, this isn't a job interview. If these women didn't find you at all attractive; they wouldn't have accepted your invitation to go on a date with you. It must be how you are acting on the date.Being gentlemanly is good; don't overdo it, don’t be so serious. This is supposed to be a new and exciting experience getting to know someone knew, whether that is romantically or not.JiggaJigga!
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