A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:I have been with my partner for five years. When we first met he was not long split up with his girlfriend and although I thought he was over her he was still in love with her. After we first had sex he said that it was not as good with me as with his previous girlfriend, he said that he had been "spoilt by her body." I kept my cool to get more information from him and he said that I was not as "tight" as she was so the feelings with her were far more intense than with me. I know I should have walked out but I didn't. I had seen photos of his ex and her body was that of a regular woman for her age. I felt he was mistaken and hoped he would at a later date and of his own accord apologise and say how wrong he was. This did not happen of his own accord. We fell in love. I returned to the subject, many times, and he did apologise for what he said and admitted he was ill with love for this woman and had put her on a pedestal. He does dodge the "tightness" question saying "I only had sex with her 5 times" how could I tell, how could I know, I am not that experienced, I was wrong. How can I believe him?We have a very good relationship out of bed and want to be together. I have two problems, 1)I think back to all the men I have had sex with before him and I am questioning whether they all thought the same about me but they said nothing because they wanted the best out of me in bed. 2) The last couple of times we have had sex I have managed to dodge penetrative sex because of this. Can anyone advise me?
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reader, anonymous, writes (16 March 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your replies, they have all been helpful in different ways. I followed the link and downloaded the pdf about pelvic floor exercises for women and this has given me a lot of hope. I was diagnosed with a uterocervical prolapse (cystocele) a few weeks ago and am waiting for physiotherapy. It was after this diagnosis that what he said in the beginning came back to haunt me. I did believe him when he said he was ill with love for his ex and had put her on a pedestal. The fact she finished with him because she had started seeing another man made the break up on him harder, I believed all this anyway. He says he knows he was wrong in saying this, he says that only a man ill with love for another woman could say stuff as cruel as that. I had no idea a woman's uterus could slip out of place so that has been a shock to my system. Along with that shock came the feelings of perhaps he was right all along and perhaps every man I have had sex with has felt the same. I wish I knew for sure. Along with the pelvic floor exercises from the pdf I have also been doing the exercise suggested by girlwhoneedshelp - thank you all, let's hope it's not too late for me xxx
A
male
reader, Your friend  +, writes (15 March 2011):
 Why is everyone dancing around with this. Why would you want to stay with someone who doesn't think you are the greatest person ever. 'Spoilt by her body" give yourself a break on this one, anyone who makes statements that make you feel worthless isn't worth spitting on let alone spending your life with. Find someone who cares, I mean really cares.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Now lets turn this round so we can understant how cruel this person was.
You met a guy you were still hung up on your ex. You told your new boyfriend sex was not as good with him as your ex was bigger. See how cruel he was.......
I am not surprised you feel like this. The next step is you have talked about it and he has acknowledged it. He has apologised and you have moved forwards.
My interpretation is that he was angry about his ex splitting up with him and his anger was displaced at you ie redirected. This is the only explanation I can give for such cruelty.
Do some exercises and get checked out by a nurse if you are concerned. 99.9% I am sure there is nothing physcially wrong with you but it was him lashing out at you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): I could not stay with a man who had made me feel this way. Fact is this is now affecting you deeply and you are avoiding penetration. How long can that go on? The fact is no other boyfriend you have had has complained. I would personally make a comment about him - perhaps say that a previous boyfriend used to say wonderful things to you which used to excite you sexually - and that he doesn't - but that you must have been spoilt previously. Who knows you might be able to get out of having sex at all. I cannot offer you advice other than to get even with him - which sounds pretty immature but I really don't think he will understand what he has done until he has a dose of it himself.
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A
female
reader, girlwhoneedshelp +, writes (14 March 2011):
 I think your partner was very harsh to say this and surely he must understand the damage that this has caused you. It's made you feel very low and self concious and not good enough. Well you are!
If you are trying to move on from this and you need to tips then I can suggest some exercises that help tighten the vaginal walls. If you lay flat on your back on a hard floor (not a bed), spread your legs and lift your bum up and tighten as hard as you can inside this can help. The longer you can hold the muscle for the better. Try and do this everyday at least once just for a couple of minutes.
If this doesn't help there is also the option of getting yourself a toy. I don't mean you have to use it for pleasure but if you insert this inside whilst lying down and squeeze against it, just like your other exercises this can also help tighten the walls.
The tightness of the vagina is not as important as you may think. It's the parts of his penis that are touched that are the most important. I have previously pleasured my partner with my hand and applied hardly any pressure at all and it was just as intense.
Try and keep foreplay going for as long as you can to the point where he is almost going crazy to touch you with his penis. It won't take much after that!
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A
male
reader, Capri2  +, writes (14 March 2011):
Yes, you should have walked away of a guy who tells you such a hurtful thing after having sex. No matter how true he thinks it is. He should have be more respectful.
I'm sorry I can't help you with the "tightness" issue. All I can say about that is tightness is related to you boyfriend's size too. And that is something most couples has to work on in order to make a good match. Your partner's size (man or woman) is not always the ideal size for you. And as any other feature of your partner, you have to give it the accurate importance.
Again, I think the problem here is not about sex but about how do you talk with your partner. And anybody knows you don't give your partner too much detail about your past sex life. Not even think about telling your parter your ex was much better in bed.
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A
male
reader, Weeks  +, writes (14 March 2011):
 First of all, I feel that you should be happy the way you are. With age our body structure changes, so accept it.Second, your old mates are history. You can as well stop thinking about them.Third, sex is important but not the ultimate thing which keeps couple together. You said you are having a good life together, so that is fabulous.You may want to visit a therapist who could tell you positions which can improve the feeling.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): Well, your man was - to say the very least! - insensitive to say such a thing to you in the first place. How would he have reacted if you had told him your ex had a much larger penis than him, or was a better lover? He gets no points for empathy.He has planted a seed of doubt in your brain that has now sprouted roots and branches.Do you find penetrative sex pleasurable? Can your partner orgasm while having penetrative sex with you? If you both achieve pleasure from love-making then I'd try (although I appreciate it will be difficult) to banish his insensitive comments to the back of your mind.If it really concerns you, you could do pelvic floor exercises - see the following link:http://www.guysandstthomas.nhs.uk/resources/patientinfo/womens/pelvicfloorexercises.pdfAs for your previous lovers wanting to "get the best out of me in bed" - that's another negative assumption of which you need to rid yourself as soon as possible.You've been with your partner for five years and, given his documented lack of sensitivity, I am sure, if he were not satisfied sexually he would let you know. Does he satisfy you? If not, tell him so. It's a two-way street, it's not all about women sacrificing themselves for the sake of their partner's pleasure.So, please, try to stop worrying about this ... do some pelvic floor exercises ... and when next your man says something wholly insensitive give it to him with both barrels!
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