A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hi. First of all, I would like to thank you for taking the time to read my story.I am a 23 year old girl. I have been with my current boyfriend for the last 5,5 years. The problem is that he cant get over my past. He was my best friend during high school, and the we go together. He was my first love; I had a HUGE crush on him when I was 12-13 years old, but he kept saying the I was fat and ugly.. this really crushed me. I got my first cellphone when I was 13 years old. All of a sudden many guys were calling me. I liked the attention. I talked to them as well, but I never looked at the anymore than friends. I liked having guy-friends.. I didnt feel that they judged me on my looks or anything. Little did I know that these guys were badmouthing me.. that i I had sex with them and so on.. I even heard a rumor about me having sex in the train :/ I knew what the truth was, so I didnt make a big deal about it.I got my first boyfriend(guy #1) when I was 15. He was 8 years older than me.. He didnt think that I was a virgin, so basically he just wanted to use me.. I said I was beautiful and much more.. He pushed me into having sex.. I remember saying that I wasnt ready and that I wanted to wait... but he kept asking. He found out that I was a virgin then. After some months he got so controlling. He didnt want me to go out, and I was just 15 so I thought that this was how it was supposed to be. He wanted me beacuse he was my first,. He started name-calling me, saying that I was ugly and would never find anyone else than him. he said that God made me ugly because I was supposed to be with him only. When I was about the leave he would threaten me that he would tell my mum about me having sex and stuff.. so I stayed. I got pregnant and had and a surgical abortion as well..guy#1 wasnt there for m, but my school nurse was. I didnt think about it later.After 2 years I finally got out. And I was happy.Then, after 1 year, I met this other guy (guy#2). I dindt think anyone would like me after everything I had heard from my ex. He said that I was pretty and that he wanted to be with me.. It turned out that all he wanted was sex. We had sex 4 times together, but I regret it all the time.SO HERE IS THE PROBLEM:My boyfriend cant get over that I have been with these 2 guys before him. I have told him everything even before us getting together. I even asked him a couple of weeks into our relationship of we would ever use my past against me, but he sais he wouldnt. We have been togeter for the last 5,5 years but he still cant get over him. He has had one girlfriend before me, and I have had two. This really bothers him.He calls me names, and makes me feel worthless. I dont have any selfesteem left. we dont leave togeter.. actually our parents dont know about so we have to sneak around. The times we meet are in his car. even if I am not in the mood or if its really cold in the car, I am not able to say that I dont want to have sex.. He will say that I have had more sex than him, so therefor I dont want sex with him anymore, but this is not true. I feel used and betrayed. I really love him with all my heart. even if he beats me up or calls me names, I go back to him everytime. I feel lost without him. I cant afford a tattoo, so I burned his name on my body. He says that I am a whore because of my past, and now I feel like one. the guys who called me before keep saying that I am not a good girl because they had talked to me before. This was sooo many years ago, but still it keeps haunting me. I dont know what to do anymore.He says that i sleep around and that I am not trustworthy. I dont have any friends anymore because of him. If I say that I want to go out with my friends he will say that I use that as an excuse to meet others. When he leaves, I sometimes dont call him right away.. I will wait a day or two waiting for him to call me, but he never does. I eventually end up calling him like a mad dirl, waiting for hours outside his home or work. I dont have anything else to to. My world is around him. He has pulled out so much of my hair so now I nearly dont have any hair left.I was studying abroad for 1,5 years, but he broke up with me over the phone and i dropped out of school and came back to sort things out between us.Now I and left with nothing. Whenever he needs money he will be the nicest guy, but then he goes back to the same old person... and I fall for it every time. I dont have any money left. His phone-bill is registered on my name, so I have to pay for it as well.. I only work a little so I dont have any money for myself.one day I had some vaginal discharge. He claimed that it was an other mans sperm.. he called his friend and told him about him.. I was so sad.I had an abortion 3 weeks ago.. he didnt want to be there. he said that he didnt like hositalt, but he has been there before.He knew about my abortion then I was younger so he said that i was used to it. He didnt understand that I needed him there. It was soo hard. I had a medical abortion, and was at the hospital for 10 hours, but he didnt even drive me home afterwards. He beat me up 2 days befor the abortion because he claimed that it wasnt his child. I have never bees unfaithful. He doesnt believe me. He kicked my belly saying that I am a whore..2 days ago he called me 2 in the morning accusing me for doing things I havnt done. He said that I had lies, but I havnt. I am a wreak right now.. dont know what to do anymore. I have lost my education and myself.. Whenever he is sick, I will make food and take care of him, but if I say that Im sick, he wont believe me.Why is he doing this? does he need to be with a virgin? Am I a whore? I really dont know.Please help me through this.. I am afraid I will hurt my selv. I have already cut my self several times, so everytime I try to forget him, my boldness, his name on my body and all the scars keep reminding me of him.I hope men also can give me and answer. Would you have thought that I am a whore? please!!!! help me. There is much more I can write about, but it will take too long.thank you
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 March 2011): Hi everyone..
Thank you soo much for your answers and advices. Much has happened since I wrote this. My boyfriend didnt want to meet me until " I told him the truth". He said that I had to answer a question about how many I had been with before him. He said that he wouldn believe me if I said two. He said that he had a list that I had slept with over 10 guys. This really hurt me, but I desperately wanted to meet him so I agreed. He also said that I had to admit that I had had been unfaithful. Just so he would meet me, I said yes, and then I said that it was with his brother( who is married and has 2 kids). I told him this because he already had blamed me for this before. I assumed that if I told this, I could later, after things had calmed down between us, say that he could call his brother himself and ask about this.
He then agreed to meet me, and I was happy. I had expected that I could sort out everything.
What happened next is that he said that he had always known that I was sleeping with his brother. I told him that I said all this just so he would meet me. He said that my vagina was huge in the beginning of our relationship, which meant that I was sleeping around with other people. He claimed that I somehow had done some exercise to tighten my vagina, but I havent. I have never used any sextoys or instruments to exercise my vagina!!! On his birthday for 3 years ago, I had made a nice cake and bought him a really nice gift. wanted him to be happy. This day I had some more vaginal discharge because of an infection and he says that I had sex with someone else before I met him on his b-day..
He was yelling at me constantly about this and saying really bad stuff! My sister is much younger than me, and he said that my parents hid the fact that she is my daughter by saying that she is my sister.. He was saying that I am a loose whore and stuff!
I got a nervous breakdown because of this. couldnt stand it any more. We were staying on top of a carpark nearly 60 m from the ground. I climbed over the edge and was hanging there begging him to believe me, but he didnt!!!!!
In the next minute 3 other people where pulling me up while I was begging him to love me. When the got me back safe I was shivering and crying! He told the other people that I was insane, that I was admitted in a mental hospital and had escaped.. I was soo broken down. They called the ambulance and police. I was crying but he just drove away. He said these words before he left : " I would have taken good care of you if you would have admitted that you had slept with over 10 guys. I dont want you anymore. Dont call me."
The next thing i knew, I was taken to ER to the psychiatric ward. My blood pressure was 151/96 and I was shivering. The psychiatrist talked to me for hours, wrote a long letter which he asked me to take to the psychiatrist. When I read the letter I realized how serious my situation is.
I have been " alone " now for 2 days and I havnt contacted him. He hasnt called either. I really hope that I will continue this way and hopefully my therapist can help me get my life back on track.
can you give me some advise on how I can try to not think about him?
And again, THANK YOU FOR LISTENING
A
female
reader, Holli'  +, writes (14 March 2011):
 Hiya hun, First of all, how dare you let anyone call you a whore - your not one at all! You've had two previouse boyfriends, not 24!This boyfriend of yours soundS like a total asshole! I've experianced it myself, trust me. Who is he to call you names and hit you? You have to get rid of him, you are worth so much more than that! Trust me, please, you don't need that shit, seriously. Please stop hurting yourself, he's not worth it, you can't be in love with someone who treats you like that. Get rid of him.You'll meet someone who is nice and caring, who accepts you for who you are and who doesn't call you names or hit you. You only live once - don't waste it by living a miserable life with some absolute asshole!As for your scar from burning his name on you - bio-oil may help to fade the mark - it's good for scars, strech marks . . . You can get it from Pharmacies, health shops or off the internet. Good luck honey, please say goodbye to him, forever.xxxxx
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): This man boy is a manipulative abusive, selfish human being and you need to get far a away from him now and stay away as far as possible...Is this how you want to live your life.....
He is taking advantage of you plus abusing you in the process...dont be a hard rock when you can be a gem....
Find the strength to leave hi now, no matter what he says or does..just leave....You may hurt for a while but this will pass in time....Dont you love yourself...Dont yu want to be happy???...
You are worth more than this...Start now...Leave and dont look back...Hugs
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A
female
reader, chigirl +, writes (14 March 2011):
 There is too much to go into here in detail. You need counseling. As much as I could tell you, of similar stories I've been told from friends of mine... the end result is that no matter what I say to comfort you, you need more than comforting words online. You need to seek professional help.
Are you a student? There are student health stations, if you contact studentsamskibnaden they could help you find free counseling services for students. Other than that you need to speak to your doctor, and tell him or her the truth about your living situation.
You are sadly with an abuser. This man does not love you, he only loves himself. No man who loved his woman would treat her like shit, like your man is. Just here the other day I was going through this with a friend of mine, who got out of a bad relationship as well. Her man had, like yours, been taking her in his car for sex, and that was basically the only thing they did together after over 2 years together. He also had a woman on the side, whom he treated just the same.
These men you have been dating have brought down your self esteem. Not your past, or your past actions, or any reputation you ever got did this to you. It is the sole doing of these men you have kept in your life.
And to prevent you from thinking that you can fix it: that's what we all think when in a bad relationship. We fail to see the warning signs, because we love the men so much. And we take pride in what we have been able to overcome. I know when I was getting walked over I was foolish enough to take pride in how I had gotten so calm, didn't speak back against the verbal attacks. My friend agreed with me when we spoke, she too had taken pride in being able to STAND all what her boyfriend had done to her. And not to mention the shame we both felt, for not being able to keep the relationship good. It was OUR fault.
Seeing as my friend was thinking just these same thoughts as I, I believe you do the same. You take your pride in shutting up about all the bad things he does to you. You probably even defend him and his actions when family and friends question them. And you are proud that you have been so faithful to him, so good to him, despite all the shit he has thrown at you. Because you want to prove that you are worthy of his love.
You need to realize that all the things this man does to you is not because of anything you did. It is all because of him. And he will never make you happy. Never. And it is not your fault. You did good. But when kind people are paired with bad people, the bad take advantage of the kind. You gave up all defenses for this man, and he took took and took.
Remove yourself from him. There are no answers to why he did this to you, what for, how to fix it, how to make him love you, why he said what he said, if this or that. No answers. But there are answers to this: is life better without him? YES!
My friend got abused so badly in her relationship that she had a mental breakdown once it ended. She got put on three different antidepressants, and was institutionalized. She is still on two anti-depressants, over a year after the breakup. And she most likely always will be on the anti-depressants. But her life is much better now, and she is happy again. She found a lovely man who is now her boyfriend, and he's the best for her. She's also got plenty of friends who love her, me included, and that would never look down on her for anything.
It's not humiliating to reach out for help. When you have a broken leg you see the doctor, and there is no shame in it. This is the same. This man broke you down. And you should not struggle alone with it. Reach out for help, see your doctor and tell the truth. Don't be afraid to reach out to those who only wish you well.
Du er ikke alene om å gå gjennom dette. Ting vil bli bedre, når du får den hjelpen du trenger. Jeg skulle så gjerne skrevet mer, men det blir for mye å gå gjennom her. Min venninne har det bedre nå, etter at hun fikk hjelp. Jeg tok også kontakt med studentrådgivninga, via universitetet siden jeg er student, og fikk noen å prate med der. Ting går mye bedre for meg også nå, og jeg har og funnet en kjæreste som vil meg vel. Det tar tid å bygge seg opp igjen, men det går an, og du kan klare det.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (14 March 2011):
 First of you are not a whore, and you should never think that you are. These guys took advantage of you by making you feel worthless, and guess what your boyfriend is doing the same to you now. He doesnt love you, he is just using you for sex and for your money. You need to get him out of your life you cannot keep doing this to yourself.
Talk to your parents about this. Tell them everything that has been going on. I understand that you love him, but he is not worthy of your love. He is a bad person and he is treating you really bad. You may think this is ok now, because he has it drummed in to you that you are worthless and you have no self esteem left. But this is not how a man should treat a woman. You need to get out now while you can.
Talk to your parents or someone you trust and let them help you get him out of your life. Also I think you should talk to a therapist. You have been through a lot of emotional trauma including the abortions and you need to talk to someone proffessional about this before you cause yourself anymore harm. Goodluck.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): You are not a whore! This sounds very familar to my situation. Your bf is insecure. I honestly would get out. Life is not supposed to be this way. Beleive me there is better out there. Even if you dont have another bf, just being alone and finding youreself again will make you feel so much better. You quit school for him so get enrolled in school again, give yourself something to do. Tell your parents what has been going on, they can protect you from this guy. Ignorehis calls, just leave. I feel for you so much. I have gone through much of the same. I wish i would ahve left years ago when i knew i should have. But for some reason i felt i had to proove my love for him and beg for him to come back to me. Even when i had done NOTHING wrong! Leave run as fast as you can. Im 23 female Been with my guy since i was 16.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 March 2011): You are NOT a whore. You are NOT a bad person. This man is NOT what a boyfriend should be. What you experience with him is NOT a relationship, it is abuse.You have been emotionally and sexually abused over a long period of time by the men you mention in your question. It is no wonder that your self-esteem has been destroyed.This man you are having sex with now is using you, mistreating you, and blackmailing you to get what he wants. You MUST end your association with him. If he tries to blackmail you, saying he'll tell your parents or say bad things about you, tell him to go ahead. He cannot hurt you any more than he is doing right now. If you can talk to your parents, please, please do so.Why do your parents not know about your current boyfriend?I've read your question three times, and I think you need to get to the bottom of why you allow yourself to be mistreated and used in this way. I think there may be deeper, underlying problems that cause you to tolerate maltreatment and think yourself unworthy.PLEASE go to your doctor, tell him exactly what you've told "dearcupid" in your question. Tell him anything else (the "much more I can write about") and tell him you need help. He/She will very likely refer you to a counsellor.But the VERY FIRST thing you must do is get rid of this abusive man (who does not love you) from your life. As long as he is around you will suffer.Be strong and know that you are a good person, worthy of respect and love.
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