A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:HELP!!!!! I am in a relationship with a girl I live with and have been dating for 2 years. Ever since I met her I have been paying all her bills. You name it I pay for everything...cell phone, car payment, rent, clothing, food, child support - children not even mine. She does not work and I work all day every day. She says she loves me but I have suspicions and doubts as she keeps looking at other men when we are out and about. Sex is ok but not what I want. What should I do to get rid of all this. Thanks...troubled mind. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (26 June 2011):
Hi there. Child care payments should be paid for by the children's biological fathers - not you.
It's their responsibility.
Are the children living with you or elsewhere?
If they are living with you, well that's a big responsibility for you with a ready made family right from the start.
You do need to encourage her to actively seek out work, which would help you with the household expenses and food. That is completely fair, surely. Even if she worked part time - say 3 days a week.
Perhaps she deliberately gets pregnant to receive government single mother pension payouts, so she doesn't have to work. Surely, she must be receiving some payments from the government for her 4 children, especially as she isn't working. She is entitled to that.
And, if she is receiving payments, then what is she doing with the money? Part of that money could help you to run the household and pay the bills.
You really need to find out exactly what her financial status is right now. Don't delay it any longer.
It would be a drain on your finances, completely supporting her the way you do. It must leave you very short of cash and a bit of a struggle.
It seems clear that you are are not happy about it all, otherwise you wouldn't have written in to Dear Cupid.
That says it all. It concerns you enough to want to do something about it once and for all.
It doesn't seem like she is going out to find work anytime soon, does it?
Well when you look at it, she doesn't have to because you're there to pay for everything. The more you do, the less she needs to.
You are her backup support system and while ever you unquestioningly keep doing so, it sends the message to her that she doesn't have to bother trying to support herself. Everything is after all, being done for her. She has no need to do anything, does she? It's all done by you.
If you start to put up some roadblocks for her - start by stopping the support payments for her 4 children. Just say "No" to any more payments and tell her she needs to get the financial support through the child support agency from the fathers of those 4 children. They are the ones who should be paying - not you.
If after you discuss things with her, she still doesn't want to co-operate in any way, or worst still, thinks you are trying to victimize her, well then it might be time to consider moving on.
Just make it very clear to her that you are not going to continue paying for her 4 children all the time, because you are not their real father. Start saying "no" a lot more.
The more you say "No" to her for all different things, the more she will be forced to look to ways to support herself and pull her own weight in the relationship.
Because of the 4 children to 3 different fathers, and the fact the relationships have all ended, it seems to be a pattern. She goes out with a guy for a while, finds herself pregnant, then has the baby but just sits at home after the birth, and won't look for work and wants to be completely supported by the man in her life at the time.
Does this sound familiar to you?
Perhaps she hasn't fallen pregnant to you yet, but if you wait long enough, she probably will. Then there'll be 5 children!
She is using you badly. You deserve better.
If you do end the relationship with her, well be very very wary in future and be on the lookout for the risk of the same thing happening again. You don't want that again, that's for sure.
At the very least, let it be one of Life's great lessons. One not to be forgotten. Live and learn.
As much as you do love her, even if you get along like a house on fire, this part of the relationship is going to drive a big wedge between you and it will come to a point where you just can't take it any more. And by continuing to just let it all happen without saying anything, will build resentment in you, and one day you will probably just explode! Then at that point, it WILL be the end of the relationship. It's inevitable.
It can only go on for so long.
Have a really good think about what you want from the relationship now, and where you feel changes need to happen - besides the money issues, that is.
Think about the good parts and the not so good parts, and if the bad things outweigh the good, and the money thing and the sex not being particularly good either, and these are two very important things in any relationship. These two issues can weigh down heavily.
See if you think there is anything in the relationship worth salvedging. Then think about how good it really is.
It's only you who can decide what action to take.
And as you are already unhappy about it now, it does seem like the time for decisions and action - is now.
A
female
reader, sammy1986  +, writes (25 June 2011):
she is using you for a easy life. get rid of her and find someone who will treat you right.
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A
female
reader, maverick494  +, writes (25 June 2011):
Why are you still with her?
#1. She is sucking all the cash away from you
#2. She keeps looking/flirting with other men
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#3. conclusion: she is a gold digger. Finally you're starting to realize this. So be blunt and dump her. Bite the bullet and do what you couldn't force yourself to do for all this time.
Simply sit her down and tell her. "This may seem to you like lightning at clear sky, but I simply cannot go on like this. I am unhappy and have been for a while. I pay for absolutely everything, which is ridiculous when you think about it and I'm tired of it. I've become a doormat for you to walk on. That's not entirely your fault, because I let you. But this has dragged on long enough. It would be better for both our sakes to part ways."
Get legal advice if you are really afraid she is going to get nasty. If any, I would do it as soon as possible so you're prepared for the worst. Invest in a good lawyer if you have to. End all contracts you have on phone or car finances for her. Do this today if you can. You need to stay a step ahead of her.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): Dear All,
Thank you for your great and helpful advise. I think that the male response is best for me. As I believe what I need to do is man up and just break up with her. A few things I did not mention before were, she was 25 when I met her and had already had 4 kids with 3 different men!!! But she dis not tell me and I had to find out on my own. It has been hard dorm to find a way of just breaking up with her I think she may try to rruine me if I do.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (24 June 2011):
 Why did you start paying for everything? That was a mistake.
Unfortunately you've been doing it now for so long that to stop will probably kill the relationship. So you have a choice:
- Keep going as you are
- Stop paying and probably lose her
You could perhaps try to find the middle ground, and see if she can 'contribute' in some way that will make you feel the relationship is not one-sided. It's up to you two to negotiate that.
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A
male
reader, Lobsang Kalden +, writes (24 June 2011):
The real lover does not give importance to how much he has given but rather to how much more he can give. The problem, then, it is no so much that you spend too much money on her but that your love is so weak that you care. Believe me: If you loved this woman, you wouldn't be complaining
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A
female
reader, chickpea2011 +, writes (24 June 2011):
 What kind of question is this?
Its ok when a man takes care of the wife or girlfriend, but I don't understand why you have to pay for everything? Why can't she work and share the bills with you?
You're in the middle 30's and I assume she's about the same age? She's young and why can't she find a job and work?
Child support? Why? Where's the fathers child? He's supposed to pay her child support and take care of his responsibilities, not you!!
A couple is supposed to share all the bills, all the responsibilities, grow together and start saving money. We're not getting any younger and who's going to help you when you're old and broke?
I am about the same age as you, a little older and we need to think about the future. You need a partner in life. I understand you love her, sex is good, but a relationship is not based in love and sex only.
I am sure she's a good person, but she's selfish and lazy. If she loves you, she'll take care of you too and start planning for a life together. Sharing bills, saving money.
If you make enough money to support both of you and the child and have extra to save, then continue being with her, but if this is affecting your financially, then I will suggest you have a serious talk and make plans for the future.
I just feel that its not fair that you have to worry about everything in a relationship, including all the finances.
If she really loves you and care about you. If she's really serious about this relationship, she'll understand you, make the changes needed and help you more in every way.
Do what's best for you before its too late. You get to live once and you deserve to be happy and have a partner that will support you, love you, appreciate you and cherish you...
Good luck my friend...
I am sure you're a great guy and you deserve the best in life.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2011): If you don't want to be with her anymore, then leave her! You are not tied down, so...I would just walk out.
But maybe you don't want to leave her, but just fix this situation your in. My mom was a homemaker, and my dad did all the work and paid everything. My mother never had to touch a bill in her life (i see that you are 30-35, my mom is now 40). My father recently passed away...and my mom is left with all the bills. My mom is CLUELESS, shes never had a job in her entire life, never paid a bill....and now shes struggling on her own. This is a good example that...you need to let her know that she can't depend on you.I don't want you to be ugly with her, but...I want you to sit down and have a talk. Say "Honey, I love you alot, and...I don't mind helping you out. But what if something happens to me? You have to learn to be indepentant. It will make me feel alot better that if you would get a small job, just to help out...so I don't have to worry about you struggling and suffering needing money, if something does happen. B/c it is possible.." Don't attack her and make her feel pressured into getting a job, but...let her know..that this is a big deal, and sometimes you don't think it'll happen to you, but...it will. Just with a small part time job, that could be just enough for childsupport, or atleast some ulities bills, ya know? If you are a little nervous to say that, maybe shes super sensative...then maybe you know some of her friends, and have a one-on-one talk with them. Don't talk BAD about her to her friend, b/c...then the friend will tell your girlfriend all the bad stuff you said and twist your words. But say everything i said before, that...you are a little nervous that shes sensative, and that she would probably feel comfortable with a friend telling her about the possibitly of something happening.
goodluck!
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (24 June 2011):
Er, man up? And by that I mean, stand up for yourself. If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, break up with her. You sounds like you are really unhappy, so why stay with her, are you afraid of not finding someone else?
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