A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Has anyone seen that movie '500 days of summer'? Well I think it best sums up my "relationship" with this girl. Its been over a year now since I've known her and I've been pursuing. But after I saw this movie for a 2nd time I just learned a lot.I think the worst combination for a couple is when you have a hopless romantic who is seeking love (me) and the other person (her) just looking for something casual. I personally believe that if you're looking for something casual then maybe you should find someone else instead of screwing over and innocent guys heart.Maybe looking back I should have picked up on the red flags: I remember when I just met her she said (just like in the movie 500 days of summer) "she wasn't looking for a boyfriend or serious relationship". Even up to this day she keeps saying that. At first I thought she probably said that just like every other girl in order not to come off as desperate. But when a girl tells this to you after you gusy have been together for over a year; thats a red flag.There is this part in the movie when the boy (tom) ask the girl (summer). What are we? (meaning are we a couple?). To her its not important about having a title as bf/gf. To her its all casual. She calls me babe and boo and to her as long as she's having fun. But just like the guy in the movie (Tom) I need some assurance and consistency. I need to be safe that one day she won't just wake up and not be there for me.Even with all these red flags its hard because when I reach out to kiss her she kisses me back. It's hard to imagine that you can love a girl so much and she only 'likes' you back. Ive been in relationships before her and gotten over girls many times but in your life there is this one girl that is very difficult more than the others to get over.Sometimes it's tough being a guy in this situation because of how we think and what holywood portrays romance to be. Stereotypically its the guy who messes with the girl and doesn't want committment but this time its different. So after many months of crying, writing diaries, listening to music on my bed, I decided to end it, sort of (we were never official in the first place). But I started seeing her less (that took a massive amount of courage). Until recently she shows up back in my life. This time I was really hoping that her mind had changed. I tried to be a bit more cautious and proceeded slowly with things this time. But much didn't change, she still didn't want a bf or anything serious. But what baffled me is that in the time I stopped seeing her (a few months) she told me she was with someone she said, he was her bf. I told her I thought she didn't want a bf but she told at the time her mind had changed. I start to look at myself and wonder if its a problem with me: I'm good looking, have a good job, earn a decent living, I'm not a jerk or a geek with no game. I'm tearing my brains out thinking how can she show such little emotion when I have so much for her.Come to think of it this would be a guy's dream; having a girl without the committment, getting sex, going out. But not all guys are the same some of us actually have feelings. I as a guy have never intentionally hurt a girl. I never tried to be with a girl who was looking for something serious and I wasn't. It causes too much pain and heartache.Maybe, probably one day she might just fall in love, but I don't think that guy's gonna be me. Out of all my past gf's she's the one who loved me the least yet I find her the hardest to get over. Somehow every few months she just keeps coming back in my life and its like a cycle of hurt and heartache all over agin ( once is already bad enough)I just need some advice and help. Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionFirst off thanks to all of you for showing interest in my post and responding, I appreciate it.
Just to respond to a few comments.
Looking back, I know I am responsible for my actions. She did mention she didn't want a relationship. But there's a saying which goes action speak louder than words. She said she didn't want anything serious but her actions suggested differently. Going to the bay together. Movies, shopping, holding hands, these are things that couples do.
But as one of the guys said I need to stop thinking with my heart and use my brain. It's just so hard not to let her in. It's like she so subtle. I mean shec comes around and she starts off so casual like we're friends then sooner or later we end up kissing or in bed. And it happens so quickly.
I am trying, I have deleted her number, restricted her fb access through my privacy settings. I am doing a great job of not bouncing up with her. I'm meeting new girls but they just keep comparing them in my mind to her and thinking I'm not having as much fun.
I know I will get over, I just need lots of time alone, probably just focus on something else really hard like my job or something.
Thanks again.
A
female
reader, Sugarbuns  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 You seem like a nice guy, but clearly you weren't "the one" for her. She may not have really been attracted to you and since you fell hard you failed to see those things until much later, when the relationship seemed to be forever in limbo. There is probably nothing wrong with you, but you need to take a critical look at the type of girls you are attracted to so you don't repeat this pattern of ending up with someone who is not emotionally available to you. She has come back into your life, but has not changed one bit. You'd be wise to steer clear of her. I suspect she has been using you for "company" since it beats being alone but as soon as she finds someone she's attracted to that's when it will all fall apart. Don't be used by her anymore. You've got better things to do. Good luck.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): Also, you chose to go WILLINGLY into this relationshp. THERE WAS NOTHING HIDDEN. She clearly told you what she was looking for, so you have no right to blame her, for any shortcomings you might have as a man. You knew what she wanted, yet you settled for less than what you wanted because you kept hoping she might love you someday. So You have to accept that if she never saw you as a partner before , she wont see you as one. Sometimes people have great chemistry that does not mean they are made to walk the aisle together. Get it together man, she might be perfect for you, but not you for her.
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A
female
reader, Staceily +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Those tend to be the hardest ones to get over, the ones who never felt as much as you did for them. Luckily you are smart enough to realize you won't ever be the one for her even though it hurts. Now that you know this you need to stop her from starting another cycle. Cut all contact, hard as it may be, for good. It's the only way to avoid getting sucked back in. And it's the only way you can truly move on and meet someone who is looking for romance and a serious relationship. To be honest I don't see you having any trouble getting a girl to fall for you, a hopeless romantic guy isn't easy to come by and what every girl would love. You just need to stay away from this one long enough to heal and move on. And I promise you will move on with enough time. This girl is truly missing out.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 November 2012): "I'm tearing my brains out thinking how can she show such little emotion when I have so much for her."
"Somehow every few months she just keeps coming back in my life and its like a cycle of hurt and heartache all over agin ( once is already bad enough)"
Seems to me like an unusual variation of the usual male poster DC dysfunction dynamic.
I usually advise guys to "stop thinking with your dick and start thinking with your brain because she is thinking with your brain knowing you are thinking with your dick."
It would appear in your case the misplaced thinking is coming from a different source, so I am amending my usual advice to: Stop thinking with your heart and start thinking with your brain because she is thinking with her brain assuming you are thinking with your dick.
To be even blunter, she's a prick tease who gets pleasure out of tormenting your hormones unaware that with you she's tormenting your emotions instead, so she is making you even more unhappy and anguished and miserable than you would be if you were thinking with your dick.
Just remember the next time she comes around that her intent is to bust your balls, not break your heart, and the best way to combat that is to use your brain to think like you would be thinking if you were thinking with your dick instead of thinking with your heart, then her motives should be clearer and hopefully you can see her for the conniving, viperous little wench she is.
You deserve much better, she deserves much worse, perhaps maybe you need to give her your worst in order to get the best of her and get her out of your life for good, where she belongs.
Aunties BimBim, Cindy and Kelja have done an admirable job of giving you advice regarding the "mushy stuff" (as late 1950's-early 1960's US sitcom icon Beaver Cleaver would say), as a much older guy than you I'm just providing a little no-nonsense grandfatherly guy counsel.
Good luck and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Life unfortunately is rarely fair. You loved this girl with all your life but she only liked you. What can you do in this situation? Remember, you are not the problem and neither is she. She was clear about what she wanted and she never hid anything from you. Sure there was the sex and everything else but since when has sex become a measurement of intimacy?
This girl liked you as a friend who she could have sex with but there was nothing more than that. She didn't feel that something special with you, that zing, that heady feeling of love. That happens OP, sadly I've been in a similar situation as your girlfriend, I wasn't physically involved with the guy but I was friends with him for a long time even though I knew he really loved me. Yes, I know it was wrong of me but at that point of time I liked his company and maybe even needed his company because I was in a new place, facing difficult circumstances. I must add, I'm not proud of it. However, once I realized that it was wrong to be friends with this guy because clearly it wasnt just friendship, I completely withdrew myself from him, so that he could move on with his life.
That is what you should do too, OP. If you know that she doesnt love you then just cut her out of your life. By allowing her to keep coming back into your life you are just allowing yourself to get hurt. Yes its a cycle but you are the one who is getting into the cycle.
Just accept the fact that she is not the one for you. You deserve a girl who loves you and respects you and cherishes you as much as you love, respect and cherish her. Love should never be one sided or one dimensional. You are being unfair to yourself by shutting yourself out from what is out there for you, from what you really deserve. Open your mind to others, you will see that there is so much more that life has to offer to you.
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A
female
reader, dearkelja +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Love hurts. One sided love hurts worse. It may not be intentional with her but she is "using" you as a fail safe person to be with. For her, if she tells you she doesn't want a relationship it allows her to treat you like she does. I agree with you that if she knows you want a serious relationship, she should walk away. Some people (like you or I) do just that. But some people are more self serving and as long as they are getting what they want out of the relationship, they will just carry on. After all, for her, she was honest with you.
Yes, one day she will fall in love and I agree, it will not be with you. Why doesn't she feel that way about you? Chemistry is unpredictable. Maybe had you "required" her to be serious in the very beginning, the relationship would have developed differently. But there aren't very many relationships that survive when you go backwards to go forward.
For you, I would cut all contact with her. The pattern is developed-you know this. You know she is looking to get her needs met and that's all. More importantly, you should want to be with someone who treats people as kind as you do. As you said, you would never hurt people by being on a one-sided relationship-especially if you were on the taking side.
I have been in your shoes so this comment isn't meant to hurt you, it's meant to give you a different perspective. Someone said it to me once and it stuck with me. "Please have more respect for yourself than to allow someone to be so selfish with your heart." Broken hearts heal, yours will. Don't waste your time being with someone who doesn't want the same things as you. You'll miss the opportunity to be with someone who does.
Be proud that you have the heart you do. There is a woman out there who will cherish that about you.
Take care,
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A
female
reader, CindyCares +, writes (3 November 2012):
 I think you alreday gave yourself the best possible advice , in your own post : you say that the worst possible combination is that of a hopeless romantic looking for love with someone who just wants to be casual and have fun.
It is.
If you were / are a hopeless romantic looking for love, then you should only seek other hopeless romantics looking for love, and stay the heck away from people only wanting to be casual and having fun.
I know this is a rather " duh" advice, not very brilliant, but, well, it's the truth. She told you flat, neat and clear, at the very beginning. You 've gone into that with your eyes open, if you chose to not protect yourself from very possible heartbreak, now you want to blame her ?... You talk about " red flags ", but that's an expression generally used for things that could HIDE potential, unexpressed danger... Here it was all in the open, if you chose not to listen to her , and not to take her seriously, well...You say you thought , or you hoped, that she was saying that because girls do that not to look desperate, - that's what you think, but it's not an etched in granite rule. Some girls do, and most don't. They know exactly what they want, and they'll tell you, and if it does not sit well with you, then don't even go there, or step back real fast,- if you decide to stay you are inviting trouble, in fact begging for it.
I think it's a good idea to accept what people says as true, until the moment they start doing something that contraddicts their words. She did not, she was consistent, at least with you. That then, one year later, she found someone else that made her change her mind, that's not strange either. One can cherish her/ his freedom, until the moment they meet someone so special and so right that make them change their priorities.
I can imagine that my words are of no comfort to you, and they could not be, when you have it bad you have it bad, we all have been through this at some point, one can only go on with their life and count on the great healing power of time, that heals all wounds. But, I just wanted to remind you that, even as such a young age as yours, the ultimate responsibility for your own happiness, fulfillment and wellbeing is only yours, not anybody's else, and it all depends from making the right choices. If you made an unwise choice, it will be more helpful to you tryng to learn from it than pointing fingers to other people.
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A
female
reader, Aunty BimBim +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Now that it appears you are prepared to hear her when she says she isn't wanting a relationship with you, and now that you recognise all those red flags, you are well armed and prepared for the next time she tries to get that cycle of hurt happening, rather than get sucked in, or pulled under, remember the flags, and say NO.
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A
female
reader, KaileyLove  +, writes (3 November 2012):
 Take it from me... I'm one of those girls who doesn't want to fall in love. I've told many guys that, I might've said I loved them, but all guys were sort of expendable to me. Break up with one, date one the next week. As soon as they mention marriage, I'm out.
Here's my advice, I can relate to her, she's afraid of commitment. She doesn't want to be "held down". So, I think she likes you, she came back, didn't she? Plus that "boyfriend" she had, it didn't last long. Now, with a girl like this, it's important to keep in mind not to scare her away with "I love you's" (they are a little scary). And to keep in mind that she DOES care, maybe a little more than she lets on.
So, why not try again with her? But this time, let it last. She'll come around. But give her the power to make important relationship decisions. And never doubt in your mind that she doesn't care for you. I'm sure she does. With a girl like that, you need to take it slow and easy. And make it clear that you are in a "boyfriend, girlfriend" situation, but don't call each other that. Just say, "We're a thing. I'm with her, she's with me."
Good luck.
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