A
female
age
30-35,
*sears1989
writes:I need help trying to not let it bother me that my husband changed his fb pass on me and wont give it to me cause i cant trust him. Our marriage is hanging by a thread and im trying really hard to fix this prob. It doesnt help that most people I talk to have each others passwords. It just bothers me really badly. How do I get it to stop?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (14 June 2013): "changed his fb pass on me and wont give it to me cause i cant trust him"The problem isn't that he wouldn't give you his password, it's that you demanded to have it, that you NEED his password. to satisfy your need for his password is to perpetuate the brokenness rather than fixing the actual problems in your relationship.You also have no right to have his FB password to begin with!! You do not own your husband, and his passwords are his passwords, not yours.The more access you have to his privacy, the more focused you will become on policing him and the more 'fake' his 'good online behavior' will be because he knows you're watching him. so having his password actually is going to be a roadblock to repairing the real relationship. yes it's possible that without you monitoring his online life he will get up to no good on FB if your relationship is really crappy to begin with. But if your spouse is only "being good" out of fear of you catching him, that's a false sense of security you would have anyway. The problem STILL would not be due to your not having his password.Note that even if you got his password, if he wanted to he could still be up to no good online. He could create a secret or fake account on any other number of social networking sites. maybe he already has. So, getting his password does absolutely nothing to fix your problems.
A
female
reader, Got Issues  +, writes (13 June 2013):
 If you've been together for 6 years but broken up every year then getting married was a recipe for disaster because then your marriage really is hanging on by a thread. And what on earth was he doing asking you to marry him when things were so unstable (unless you asked him, in which case, same question)? If things are wrong in a relationship, marriage will not magically fix those things.
I'd say the two of you shouldn't even be together, but you are and you're married so you may as well try. You say your behaviour caused the breakups so you NEED to work on yourself because otherwise things will fall apart very quickly. Get yourself into therapy quickly.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (13 June 2013):
 There marriage is new. YOU TWO need to learn how to talk TO each other.
YOU are letting your imagination run wild, instead ASK him. Hey, honey how come you changed your PW on your FB?
And having his PW isn't going to stop him from breaking up with you if he so desire.
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A
female
reader, Dsears1989 +, writes (13 June 2013):
Dsears1989 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionno were married. we got married in feb of this year.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (13 June 2013):
 So he isn't your husband, right? You are just boyfriend/girlfriend . Whole bag of cats Honey
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A
female
reader, Dsears1989 +, writes (13 June 2013):
Dsears1989 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionBecause hes broken up with me every year we have been together. And I know im the one hurting the relationship thats why i came on here asking for tips on how to not let it bother me so badly not knowing his pass
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2013):
 What exactly are you saving your marriage *from*?
He has never cheated on you, and you consider him flirty, but to someone with insecure trust issues and looking for a reason to distrust, any and every communication with the opposite sex looks like flirting.
If you want to save your marriage, you need to work on YOURSELF. If you've had your heart broken before in the past, then that's your baggage, and you never make someone else accommodate your past baggage.
Remember, being married doesn't mean you are entitled to monitor him. He's digging his heels in because you're pressuring him, and it usually rises up in a man's ego that he must not be pushed around by a woman.
Here's the thing -- what's the worst that can happen? He could cheat on you through Facebook. That would happen whether you snoop on him or not. And if you're constantly surveilling him, he'll find another way. He'll either cheat or he won't. Since you've been together 6 years, why would you all of a sudden think he's going to cheat on you within 3 months of marriage?
Have you had snooping issues in the past with him, where you've rifled through emails, personal phone calls, texts, etc?? If you have trust issues after 6 years and he hasn't cheated, I'm guessing he wants his own space. You questioning every text, message, word, reply, message sent to you very well might encourage him to change his password and want a little virtual "Man-cave" that his wife isn't spying on. Be thankful that he didn't open some secret adultfriendfinder account behind your back, or is on Omegle chatting up some cybersex with random women.
Chill out. Work on YOURSELF and your trust issues, or YOU and you alone will choke the marriage.
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A
female
reader, Dsears1989 +, writes (12 June 2013):
Dsears1989 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionNo he hasn't cheated on me that I know of. We've been together 6 years but married only 3 months. yeah he flirts with other women but he married me. idk. alls i know is i want to save my marriage. I dont trust him cause i already had trust issues before i met him and then he gave me his pass then and now he changed it on me which i know the reason but still. i hate that he changed it.
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A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (12 June 2013):
I'm a bit late to this party, but how long have you two been married??
I think there is a bit of a misunderstanding on your part as to what a husband or a wife is entitled to give each other.
The first question, obviously is, HAS HE CHEATED on you??
This means, has he ever used Facebook to be disloyal? I'm not asking if you SUSPECT his disloyalty, but has there been actual infidelity that took place, emotional (i.e. chatting and sexting and messaging and soliciting) or physical?
If he has done nothing that intentionally destroys trust, the being married doesn't mean that both of you automatically give up all privacy, and that it's a given that you have an All-Snooping Pass whenever you feel like it. A marriage can't survive on that obsessive need to monitor and control and distrust.
It's another thing if there are other symptoms such as catching him in lies, unexplained financial transactions, large unaccounted for blocks of time where he shuts the phone off (not including working), and finding a second cell phone he didn't disclose to you.
I want to be clear on this -- if he *HAS* cheated on you, then it is expected during the trust rebuilding process that he eagerly discloses everything including passwords and detailed accounting of his time and activities.
But if he has *NOT* cheated, then he's refusing the password in order to assert his need NOT to be controlled, and his need for space. Imagine if you had a diary you wrote in, and he insisted on having the key to it so he can read it whenever he wants to.
In a marriage, you trust until you're given reason not to.
My husband wanted me to have the password to his Facebook, but even now I can't remember what it is, and if he changed it, I don't care! I gave him the passwords to my stuff too, and I don't think he's ever been in my email before.
The only time I have ever logged into HIS Facebook was when he asked me to to get a phone number and an address from his messages because he forgot to write it down and his work doesn't allow Facebook access. This was years ago before smart phones. heh. I trust my husband, and if it ever got to a point where I couldn't trust him and felt a need to constantly check up on him, I'd probably not want to be married because I don't want to live like that.
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A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (12 June 2013):
Other then the FB change of PW what else makes you not trust him? There has to be other reason, or it's not making sense.
Being married doesn't mean HE (and/or you) have to give up your entire right to privacy. Some couples she accounts, some share passwords but it's not what makes a marriage work or not work.
If he is up to nothing good on FB, he can as easily delete posts. You snooping won't prevent that. You seriously need to talk to him and figure out WHY you have so little trust in him.
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A
female
reader, Got Issues +, writes (12 June 2013):
Getting your husband's Facebook password so that you can see what he's been up to online will not save your marriage if you don't trust him. Has he cheated on you before? Have you caught him texting/emailing other women? In that case your problem has nothing to do with Facebook.
You're not doing yourself any favours by demanding his password, because he will interpret that as you being needy and controlling and you will end up pushing him away even further. He obviously should not be cheating or doing whatever it is he's been doing that has led you to mistrust him, but at the same time everybody needs some privacy. There are those who think that everything in a marriage should be shared but I'm someone who likes to keep my passwords to myself.
You are young, so can't have been married long. Presumably you got married because you were very much in love and trusted each other, and that can't have been very long ago. How do you feel about each other? Do you actually want to stay together or is your marriage one big uphill struggle? If there is something left to salvage and you both want to stay in this marriage then you need to start communicating. It's not as easy as it sounds and I would recommend couples' therapy, as you may not be able to do it on your own.
It is important also to recognise when you've reached the end of the line. If there is nothing positive about your relationship when you've tried your best then you may both be better off apart.
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A
female
reader, tell tez +, writes (12 June 2013):
you obviously don't trust him, and if he wont give you his password then he is obviously hiding something! you can do better than that..life is too short to be with someone you dont trust! a marriage is nothing without trust :) i wish u all the best!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (12 June 2013):
Has he ever given you any reason, other than this, to not trust him?
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A
female
reader, Mariab +, writes (12 June 2013):
 If getting a password to your husbands account is the solution to saving this marriage... then hunny... you don't really have a marriage!!!
You have to focus on the cores of a relationship... trust, love, respect etc... and not on getting into each others personal emails. It may surprise you to find that even married pple sometimes need some privacy! Don't push too much if he is not comfortable to dish out his password to you. Go back to the basics and re-prioritize!!!! xx
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A
female
reader, sugarplum786  +, writes (12 June 2013):
 You want your marriage, let this go. But remember he is under no obligation to give you his password, however it does sound suspicious that he has something to hide and willing to risk his marriage.
If you are convinced he is upto something, find other ways to check up on him. I would suggest you create a fake FB account and link to your husband, try flirting and ask him out, Remember this may give you the answer that you are not prepared to hear or handle.
Best of luck, others may think this is underhand but I would want to know the truth.
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A
male
reader, Xearo  +, writes (12 June 2013):
Snooping on your partner's account isn't beneficial to anything either. You need to step back and try to re-analyse the situation.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): 1. Change your passwords and don't give them to him.2. Do you want to have a relationship where you keep your passwords a secret from eachother, and allow eachother that privacy? If you CAN do that, then that is what you have to do, and let it go.3. If you have to have a totally open and transparent relationship, then you will need to make that agreement with your husband.4. Has he given you any reason not to trust him? If he has, then he needs to be working on rebuilding your trust. Part of rebuilding that trust, is him opening up his life for you to see. He should have nothing to hide, and should allow you to see his fb, IF he has done something to betray your trust.5. If he has never given you a reason not to trust him, then you need to work on yourself. Not him. You may need professional help in finding tools to help you to learn to trust again.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): I would highly suggest the two of you get into some kind of marriage counseling or counseling in general. If your husband is hiding something as simple as a facebook password, he's likely hiding other things as well. It's really not as much about facebook, but the fact that you don't trust him and he is giving you reason not to trust him is very concerning. If you do not have trust and communication in a relationship/marriage, it is surely doomed.
If he refuses to budge and won't be honest about why he is doing what he is doing and why he is choosing to hide things from you, then you really need to think long and hard if you want to continue to live like that. The person you choose to spend the rest of your life with should be your safe place, someone who has your back, someone who respects your feelings and does whatever it takes to make things right, etc. besides love. Not someone that has a secret side and can't be real, honest, open and put all their focus on you in your relationship.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Have you got a reason to not trust him? And when you had his password, did you constantly check up on him? If you have trust issues, he might be getting sick if it. I don't have my boyfriend's but he logs on facebook in front of me and i know he has nothin to hide. If it's your trust issues, then you need to work on YOURSELF to save the relationship.
However if he has caused to to have trust issues (cheating, flirting, chattingonline, texting or anything like that with other eomen, that isn't innocent) then it's his fault. He doesn't have to give you his password unless he has done something in the past to break your trust. More detail? :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): Sorry but I'm not sure you've given enough information here, suxh as why you would require his password and if there has been any history of cheating in the past?
One thing important to understand is that some people would take offence to their partner requiring their password, as it suggests they are doing something bad when they genuinely aren't. Others also may feel that it's sort of a step too far in taking over their personal life-sure you're married, but does that require you to know every last tiny detail of their lives? Where would it end?
If you have no particular reason to suspect he is cheating then perhaps you're answer may be in here, but without more information it's hard to say, perhaps it may be your own self esteem that needs work.
Best of luck
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A
female
reader, Read-the-signs +, writes (12 June 2013):
You must have a reason not to trust him from past experiences? The facebook thing is just a side issue. You suspect he is up to no good?
You must communicate clearly with each other. Sit down and tell each other what you are not happy with. If the trust has gone and there are lies being told, you are better off single than being mistreated.
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A
male
reader, SensitiveBloke +, writes (12 June 2013):
 Not knowing each other's fb password is hardly grounds for divorce.
Why don't you trust him? Has he done things to suggest he's seeing someone else?
A bit more info would help! Thanks.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2013): The problem in your relationship is not that you don't have his password.
It's that you don't trust him.
Why is that? Identify your source of mistrust and work on that instead.
I have my partner's password in the sense that I could probably correctly guess what it is - but I've never felt the need to log into his account to monitor his movements because I trust him.
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