A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:What are some opinions ex's spending holidays together "for the kids". Does anyone else think it may send the wrong message to the kids that there is hope of a reconciliation between their parents? Especially when one of them has to leave their new mate home alone to do it? I'm the new partner of a man who's ex, in my opinion, still wants him. They spent last Xmas together. I was fine because it would have been their first xmas without him but we have been together for 2 years now. I think it's time they start getting used to the fact I exsist. This year she assumed he would ditch me to spend thanksgiving with her. And of course she's angry we are going to my families for dinner and she is trying to guilt him into staying with them, stating the kids will be hurt. In my opinion I think the kids should get used to celebrating holidays at their parents separate houselholds and it's only giving them false hope of their mom and dad getting back together. Plus i think it demeans my role in thier life. Does anyone else think that this year I shouldnt have to be left out because she isn't willing to accept he has someone new and if not include me then allow us to celebrate it with his kids also without leading them into thinking they will reunite. thanks. Reply to this Question
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female
reader, Cheeks +, writes (26 November 2010):
 Competitive much? You sound locked in silent battle over this man with her. Or...or is it just in your head? I think you shouldnt bitch about chrismas morning if he should want to be with them. Choose your battles wisely. Youre going to suffer a few lonely holidays, spare him the drama. Unless you want to grant her wish by nagging him to death (into her arms) over what looks to him as youve got an issue with him being with his kids on christmas. Not this hidden cat fight between you and her that your worried about. If she doesnt like you, deal with it. You dont like her either but dont let it influence how happy the holidays are for the kids.
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female
reader, shelly5 +, writes (25 November 2010):
 The way you answered seems you two were involved while he was married, if so then guess what? You will never be accepted end of story! Sorry if that's not what you want to hear but sadly enough its so true. My sister & I hate our dads wife she will never be our step mother our father imposed his selfishness on the whole family!! Its been 18 years & still we hate her damn guts! I love & hate my dad for not being there for xmas after he left its horrible at least he is there. You want more but life will only give you what you deserve. Kids want the parents together & if its working for them so be it. Him being there with out you may be his guilt for even leaving & moving on. Think about the kids & realize this is only the beginning there will be years of more hardship for you. Good luck & happy Thanksgiving
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I think you are blaming his ex for a lot. Isnt it the responsiblity of your boyfriend to have a backbone and tell his ex that he is spending Christmas with you this year. Why blame her? She is the mother of his children first and foremost and not his current wife and he needs to stand up to her. You are his number one now and he needs to start treating you as such.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionthey are still young.grade school thru junior high. He has spent every other year with them but they were together then. Except Last year.Where I encouraged him to go at least open presents with them which he did but thats christmas- this is not even a holiday in his mind and never has been either so why the fuss now? I can understand xmas nmorning but I'm not willing to be left alone every year because she refuses to acknowledge me & at some point they are going to have to make new traditions and start including me. I personally think it gives her the wrong idea also. Shes been on a power trip over him with me n her own subtle way. I think its just disrespectful for her to assume I dont wiegh in on his plans. Shes the one who insists on having the kids there today, on our weekend, and we already made plans. So its not his fault he cant make it down there now. She had one of them ask if he could "just come see them for a few minutes today which he cant but they would be able to see him all day if she would have let them go like was planned. I just find it sad shes using them to manipulate a man who just wants make everyone happy and is setting her kids up for disappointrment, not to mention undermine my importance in his life. happy thanksgiving. I hope you have enough info to answer now thanks.
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female
reader, FloridaCatGirl +, writes (25 November 2010):
 If you have been with this man for 2 years, you should be included in his Thanksgiving plans. I understand his desire to spend the day with the kids… but why can’t they spend half the day with their mother and the other half with their father? That would be the best scenario. If he and his ex are divorced … I don’t see why he would want to spend the day with her. I do think the kids needs should come first… but this can be accomplished without leaving anyone to celebrate the day home alone.
I do have some questions that might give us a better understanding of the situation. Do you get along with his ex? Did you get romantically involved with this man when he was still with his wife… or did you get together after the divorce? This might have some bearing on how she views you.
Like I said… I would suggest the children split the day between their parents… or perhaps spend one day at the mother’s and the next day have another Thanksgiving celebration with the father. Have you suggested this to him? And do they live close enough for this to be an option?
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reader, Deeyawn +, writes (25 November 2010):
Well He Has To Be A Father, Umm Like The First Comment, Over Nights Are Unacceptable, But Christmas And Thanksgiving Alone With Birthdays And Umm Holloween-ish... but At The Same Time Any Kid Under 18 Should Have Both Parents Present In My Opinion, Kids Come First, Its Kinda Hard To Reuninte I Broken Family (Ive Tried With My Mom And Dad who Still Claim They Love Each Other) But They Wouldnt/Couldnt Do It...
How Long Have They Been Apart? (Two Years Is Along Time For Them To Be Apart In The First Place)
Good Luck
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): I agree with you.
The kids daily deal with Dad being gone, why pretend it's different on holidays.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 November 2010): in my opinion i think yes u should be included but thats up to him to make that happen. he cant make his ex involve you. if she doesnt want u around then maybe he should have the kids come to yall house some holidays. as far as her wanting him back no one can change that. but no i do not think thats giving the kids false hope that their parents are getting bak together just because you're not there. u dnt necessarily have to be with them. its ok if the parents want to keep holidays with their kids and involve no one else to an extent. i think u have the right to not be pleased about the situation but just tell him how u feel maybe he can try to make some changes that will be good for everyone. he still should be there even if she doesnt want u there because he's their father, but as i said before ask him about bringing the kids to spend half the day with yall too on some holidays if u feel that strongly about not being involved.. u seem focused on her wanting him bak and like i said no one can stop that you just have to trust he loves you..
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female
reader, SillyB +, writes (25 November 2010):
 No, you are both wrong. HE SHOULD BE SPENDING ALL HIS HOLIDAYS WITH HIS KIDS!!! They are number one in his life over you and her. The right thing to do would be to take you over to her house to celebrate the holidays with the kids.
He shouldn't be going to your family's, he should be spending it with your kids.
You both sound selfish.
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female
reader, CollegeCutie  +, writes (25 November 2010):
 Im a person who grew up with seperated parents and the fact that the mother doesnt want you there for christmas may not be the issue. Your dating a man with children but you didnt mention how the children felt about you. Nothing is more awkward for a child then seeing their parent with someone else and for them aka you to come to a gathering is a big deal. The mother might just be jelous of you who knows and wants to get back with her ex but the chances of that are slim divorces happen for a reason. IF you want to go with your bf to celebrate the holidays then ask him to go because i know from experience if the parents mate isnt coming to holidays or special occasions then things might not be as serious as thought. because if you look into it 2 years and your serious theres marriage that usually follows making you the childrens step mom. IM thinking if you want to be invited to family gatherings make a better relationship with the kids because children arent afraid to ask questions like "Oh dads coming? how about *imput name here*." dont worry about the mother worry about the kids and of course shes going to make her husband feel bad for not being there for the holidays its a complete disapointment when your father isnt there for you when hes expected to be and she has to pick up the pieces.
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reader, Sarah_Beara +, writes (25 November 2010):
 My own parents are divorced. I'm 15, and they split when I was 8. My moms a very independent woman, and doesn't want to get back together with my dad, and never has. But my dad has a girl friend and they've adopted a kid together. I've been in the situations before that you're 'lovers'(?) kids are going to be in. I've split my holidays. I've had my dad come by and give us our presents. It's easier to split the day in half, or switch off every year. Say, he goes to the other house for one year, and is with you the next, if you plan on being together that long. But it honestly comes down to the kids. If they like you enough, you should get to know them, maybe then 'she' won't be so jealous or controlling. Hope this helps.
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