A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:I'm in a great relationship where there is a lot of trust between my partner and I. I have many male friends that I hang out with or communicate with on a regular basis and he has female friends too. This is of course fine.But the other night, a female friend of his (that he used to date) asked him out to dinner. She asked me if I was okay with it (in front of a large group of people) to which I didn't want to say NO in front of all of them.I'm generally a very easy going person and I don't attempt to control my boyfriends social life or anything unhealthy like that, but in my mind a one on one dinner seems slightly different to casual hanging out, and the scenario bothered me. So I'm wondering what everyone else thinks about this, whether it's appropriate and where you draw the line in your own relationships? Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (24 August 2009): Tell them to just do lunch. I would have zero problem with the whole thing if he and she were not former lovers. But it needs more caution if they were.
A
female
reader, handlehiro  +, writes (24 August 2009):
I would never be comfortable with my boyfriend going out with an ex. Ever. It's one thing to be hanging out and go for dinner another thing to take a guy who is dating someone else out on his own. If it was all innocent in her eyes she should have invited you too. I would have said in front of the whole room full of people "Actually I don't think that's very appropriate." And then smiled very sweetly. If my boyfriend had a problem with it I would ask how he felt about me going to dinner with my old boyfriends.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your answers.The dinner suggestion was for a more formal setting. A restaurant was mentioned and it's not a casual one.I don't go out to dinner with my male friends, and I would be quite shocked if any of them asked me to. I also feel like if she were really concerned with me being okay with them going out to dinner and establishing some kind of relationship with me she would have asked me directly - alone, rather than putting me on the spot in front of others.I discussed it with him later and asked him how he would feel if it were me going out to dinner with another guy - and he admitted he would be bothered by it so it's been resolved.
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A
female
reader, starfairy +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Sounds innocent enough, depends how long they dated for etc?
My boyfreind was with his ex 5 years. They meet up now and again for a drink and a catch up, one on one, and this is fine, because I've seen them together, there's no chemistry, I trust him, and she makes the effort to be friendly to me.
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A
female
reader, hijacked_dignity +, writes (23 August 2009):
 It's quite normal to feel what you are going through, and you really can't help how you emotionally respond to the situation. You have to look at the facts however. You go out to eat all the time with your guy friends and your boyfriend trusts you totally. When you say that they used to date, do you mean that they just casually saw each other? Or like they had a rather serious relationship? Either way, things ended for a reason, and he's with you now!
Plus you have to consider the fact that they are just going out to get dinner. He isn't going to spend the night at her house or anything. Just ask when he's going to be back and meet him up to have some fun together! It'll reassure you that nothing happened sexually. If you still feel uncomfortable about things, then talk to him about it. Communicate.
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A
female
reader, Emilysanswers +, writes (23 August 2009):
I have male friends and I also like eating.
I really don't see the difference between going to a pub with a mate and having nothing but drink... and going to a pub with a mate and having drink AND a burger.
Why is sharing a table to eat different to anything else they would do together as friends?
If it's a formal dinner in a lovely restaurant then yes, that's a bit strange. If it's 2 friends having some food in the same place at the same time then there should be no problem.
Tell him you are a little bit jealous and remind him that he has a gorgeous sexy girl who just might be wearing stockings and suspenders when he gets home.
Good Luck!! xx
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A
male
reader, Perspicacious +, writes (23 August 2009):
If this bothers you then it doesn't really matter what other people think - what you think is far more important!And, I don't think anyone could say you were being unreasonable in feeling bothered by it. It sounds like you are quite relaxed and trusting normally, but this is just a step too far for you - and I suspect a lot of people would feel much the same.Of course, if you trust your partner then you could say there is no real problem with him going. But a partnership is built on mutual respect and understanding, and if this bothers you then your partner should decide not to go.He can only do that though if you discuss it with him, explain how you feel about the situation, and decide together what happens next.Good luck!
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A
female
reader, Elainey  +, writes (23 August 2009):
I think she has hidden agendas be careful she is a potential enemy of yours
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Hmmm we as women know how women are and how they behave to get what they want. It may seem innocent enough but in my opinion, it seems she has other ideas than just a casual dinner.
Firstly she asked you in front of other people. She knew it would look bad on you if you said no. Secondly she used to date your guy!! If she just wanted dinner to catch up with him, then why not ask you along too??
As much as your partner loves you, it is true to say that most men wouldn't say no to a casual fling if it were laid on a plate before them (especially if it's with a doting ex who will deny all knowledge) Sorry to sound so negative but I think you are justified to say your uncomfortable with the situation. If this 'friend' was a true friend, she would respect your partner and acknowledge his relationship with you, and she wouldn't ask to meet him alone and put you on the spot!!
Aunty Em xxx
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A
female
reader, kittykhaos +, writes (23 August 2009):
 Well she asked you and in front of people too and all though it made it hard for you to say no it also made it impossible for them to be discreet this is a GOOD thing. I shouldn't worry too much i have often had dinner with my ex we are good friends and we dated for years and there is nothing in it. Trust the fact she had the respect to ask you and trust your man. Im sure it will be just fine.
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