A
female
age
36-40,
*carletCWilson
writes:I'm happily engaged to a man who loves me. I do love him, more than I love anyone else in the world. (With the exception of my little brothers) He gives me everything I ever wanted and any normal person wouldn't be on a relationship forum complaining when they have the perfect boyfriend...but I guess I'm not normal because no matter what I can't give up my obsession with my emotionally unavailable ex boyfriend. It's stupid, I know.The ex and I got together 5 years ago and we dated for OFFICIALLY, well, only 2 weeks! After he dumped me though, I was obsessed, I followed him around like he was some sort of filmstar. I'd had a crush on him for ages before we went out too, and I wasn't about to let him go after a couple of weeks of dating. I convinced him to be friends with me, and we would sleep together. He never got back with me and used to ignore me for weeks, then come to me late at night for a booty call....my friends called him a user but i wanted the sex too (Obviously i wanted more but if sex was what was on the table i took it, i fancied him so badly) this went on for three years. I was so obsessed with him, sexually more than anything i just wanted to be near him all the time but i knew he didnt want that. Once, I stole a t shirt of his to take home so I could smell him as I slept. I was so obsessed, this man made me feel mentally ill.Finally, I gave up.....I saw too little of him and thought of him too often, it was killing me....I actually met my fiance on a night out and decided to give up on the ex and move on. At first it felt great, liberating and when my fella proposed I was so happy I didn't think twice.Two years later, the honeymoon period is over (Before we even managed to get married, lol) and thoughts of the ex have crept back in, big time. I obsess that I made the wrong choice giving up, even though I know I made the right one. I've started to look at photos of him online, i would never dare speak to him though, as I told him we could no longer be friends when i got engaged. I think about him constantly too, and get myself so frustrated, sexually and emotionally. I've even started thinking about him when I have sex with my fiance. In fact, recently my fiance has been asking me what i'm thinking and I've been forced to lie on several occasions.I have a theory, some people get under your skin and just stay there. I'd always hoped this wasn't true. I know It would be a terrible idea to leave the man I love for the tiny chance my ex might still want to "use" me, just because he's sexy and i'm obsessed with him, but it's all I ever think about and I had to let it out. Every now again in the middle of the night I panic and wonder if he really was the one, the one that got away and that i shouldn't have given up...how could i still feel this way after all this time without even seeing him? But then the thought of leaving my fiance makes me feel cold, not to mention the ex never wanted me back in that way. Another part of me just wants to sleep with him one last time, and tell him all the things i was always too afraid to say, the things that don't matter now, like he turns me on like no one can. My friends could never ever know, They all love my man so much and hate the ex they would never understand and think i am a bitch. My lil bro suspects I think, as he often mentions the ex. He hates him more than anyone.Anyway, I just had to let it all out - I don't think theres an answer to this problem - unless someone has the secret of time travel so i can go back to when i was single and relive my wildest fantasies, then come home to my loving future....well it's my own fault people....i shouldn't want to have my cake and eat it but i do....I guess I'm asking is what I'm doing ok? Because it can't be helped. I'm doomed!
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booty call, crush, engaged, fiance, move on, my ex, period Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, malletchick76  +, writes (10 February 2012):
 Your ex is a user. no doubt about it. there are some things that will affect you for the rest of your life and this situation will even more because sex and emotion and oxytocin was involved.
stick with the man you have now and understand that you probably will always have desire for your ex BUT THAT IS IT!
A
female
reader, Deagan +, writes (9 February 2012):
 Are you hearing yourself? You are obsessing over some guy you dated years ago for 2 weeks and then used you for sex and then ignored you. Obviously he doesn't love you and obviously he is NOT the one. Don't break up with your guy, you don't know what you have until it's gone. Don't ruin your relationship over these feelings. Try and be the best partner for your guy, since he is doing the same for you, and maybe seek some counseling on this in private. It would really hurt your guy's feelings to hear this.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 February 2012): I think you've inadvertently made your self worth tied to the level of attention your ex did or didn't give you. so that's why you feel that maybe only by being in a real relationship with him can you be happy and not frustrated anymore.
if you had a stronger and more stable sense of yourself, you wouldn't be obsessed with someone who was (is) unavailable instead you'd be shrugging him off and losing interest in him because there's nothing there.
I know you said you love your fiance but I wouldn't get married to him yet until you've sorted yourself out regarding your obsession with your ex.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (9 February 2012):
 To some extent, its natural to want what you cant have. All of us crave for the forbidden, something that's out of reach, whether we admit or or not. That's the case with your ex. The fact that he's treated you like crap and has been an ass makes you want to prove a point to yourself, you want him to want you, to validate a point to yourself. There is no doubt you are sexually attracted to him, but that's about it.
You have to tell yourself and see for yourself that what you have now is something you never had with your ex and never will have with him. He's not capable of giving you any love, he's just there for sex. and how long will the sex last? Even if you do convince him to sleep with you, where is it all leading? Eventually you will get tired of the chase and see him for the person that he is, and that day will not be a happy one. Your ex has nothing to offer to you while your fiance has everything to give you.
Its also not fair on your fiance to be in the dark about all this. He's giving you all he has while you are secretly harboring emotions for another man. Tell me, how would you feel if it were the other way round? If your fiance was obsessing over his ex, while making love to you? Wouldn't it be like using you to fulfill the void in his life? That's exactly what you are doing right now.
Look OP, your fiance is a keeper, you're lucky to have him. But if this is how you're going the relationship, then dont string him along. Its not fair to him. Undergo counselling if you wish, because if nothing else is helping then you will need professional help. But its very simple and all in your hands.
The ex wasnt worth anything. Your obsession is not harming anyone else but you and your fiance. Why lose everything for the past which doesnt even matter?!
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A
male
reader, MajorDisplayerOfInternationalPlayerBehavior +, writes (9 February 2012):
 You have to move on. The ex was not even a fraction of a relationship. You cannot live in the past. The ex used you, you used each other, you are not doomed. Take all those thoughts of the ex, and put them in a box in your mind, close the box, and put it in the back of your mind. Time will pass and you will think less and less of him.
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