A
female
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I have been seeing a married man for over a year now and it has been very painful. He tells me that he loves me and hasn't met anyone like me. The reason for him not leaving his wife is because of his children. They mean the world to him and I truely understand that. I truely love him and I haven't felt this way about anyone the way I feel about him. I have read up on all of the lies that married men tell and it truely describes him! Now....his wife finally found out and he just seems sooo distant and doesnt call like he used to because his wife gets the list of calls from his phone and I havent seen him since before this happened. I am totally confused and I have told him that we need to talk about us but....all he can say is that he knows. I feel as if I deserve answers to all of my questions and I don't think that he should just leave me hanging if he doesn't want to see me anymore. Sometimes I feel as if im tooo understanding and I just let him get by with everything. I get upset and I feel like I should get my answers from his wife if she already knows and see what she has to say but....I dont think that I can be that mean to him. Please help!
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): This might be harsh but this is my take. Forget about him. Stop playing the victim. DO NOT go and question his wife, she’s hurt enough as it is and doesn’t need you hanging around. Go get your own life and let this family sort out their issues. You were played the fool, he was never going to leave his wife…they never do
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reader, anonymous, writes (17 October 2009): WAO! I'm in the same situation at this moment! just happenned last week. After 5 years in a relationship with this man, his wife discover an email that I sent to him. He called me very sad and worry because she told him if he continue talking to me she will dissapear with his daughter. I was on shock no word to say. He told me at that moment that he will be calling me. I'm still waiting for his phone call for a long week and nothing happen. I don't know what to think anymore. The only thing I know for sure is that I'm not calling him at his job or emailed. I know my situation, like always I'm just the "OTHER" woman!Regarding your situation, I don't think it is a good idea to questioning him. Let the time pass and continue with your life. Sound easy, but at this moment is not much we can do. If he thinks you deserve an explanation he will call you or will try to contact you. I feel terrible at this moment. I love this man very much and I miss him a lot. We had a beatiful relationship and look what just happenned. Right now he is not even thinking that one day I exist. He is with his wife and that's all matters to him. I know he can make a five minutes phone call from his office but he does not want to do it. At this point I don't know if he really love me or had feelings for me anymore.I think this is the time to go on with my life and think you should do the same. I don't know your age, but never is to late to start a new life again. Good luck! remmember we deserve a better life!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (29 September 2009): I am a married woman who found out her husband was cheating on her a few months ago. We are in the process of counseling and working things out. Just like Meg Ryan said in When Harry Met Sally, "He's never leaving his wife."
Most men do not leave their wives, their stability, their homes. Go get a life that is your own and leave that family alone so they, too, can heal from the pain that you have helped create. You deserve someone to give you all of their attention, not just some of it.
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): You really have to try to forget about him. He couldn't have wanted a serious relationship with you and he isn't worth your time. I know it'll be hard but you have to try to move on, you're still young enough to find someone who treats you right and you should never have to settle for someone who doesn't, get the answers from him and then leave him for good.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): "I know what I have done is wrong and I would never have him choose between me and his children. "you did not have to make him choose. he choose FREELY ana it was not YOU. that is all you need to know. you know exactly what you were doing with this married man. all it takes is just once to be a homewrecker. his wife and kids are innocent so please leave them alone.
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 My take on these situations is:
1. People who REALLY love their spouse don't play around behind the spouses back. Real love entails respect, and sneaking around behind a spouses back is about as disrepectful as you can get.
2. The reason the player stays in a marriage is some sort of misguided loyalty to the spouse, (which is laughable because they clearly have no respect for their wedding vows anyway, if they did they wouldn't be playing around), or guilt about breaking up the family if kids are involved.
3. One of the proviso's of his staying married will be that he is not allowed to contact you, which is a stupid reaction that wives have when they find out their husband has been seeing another woman. They do this because their sense of self-preservation makes them blame the other woman, which is easier than facing the reality that their partner doesn't really love them. Rarely do women vent the full brunt of their anger at the husband or boyfriend who has betrayed and deceived them, much easier to imagine that the other woman is some sort of evil seductress who pinned their husband down and forced him to have an affair, when the reality is that their husband is a predatory sleaze. OK, you did the wrong thing too, but he is the real villain of the piece.
4. I don't care what the counselling fraternity of the world says, I don't believe any marriage really survives an affair, especially if it's the husband who has played up. Women are essentially jealous creatures, and most of them may make grand statements about "moving on, blah, blah, blah","We've been for counselling and we're stronger than ever...." and pretend to forgive something like this, but they never really do. It's mostly a load of crap that they use to try and convince themselves that everything is OK. Even if they decide to stay married, there will always now be that toxic element lurking just below the surface.
5. If he said he loves you, he probably does, but his desire to protect his kids will be stronger than his desire to be with you. In Western society a man who grows bored with a wife, and makes the choice to find company elsewhere, is usually punished financially and often socially as well, and that can be pretty scary for him.
You are in the unenviable position of being in love with someone who isn't available, so there really isn't anything you can do but try to move on. Hope you're OK. Good luck :)
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo be honest....this is the first time that I have done this! I wasn't thinking asking his wife for answers to hurt her. I just know that there are two sides to a story and I just wasn't sure if she should know what he tells me because I know that it is different than what he tells her. I don't know if im the only one that he has done this to. And im sure that im not. I have tried to let go but....he kept insisting that he loved me and that he was waiting for the right time to leave her. I know what I have done is wrong and I would never have him choose between me and his children.
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reader, Ich_liebe_dich  +, writes (22 September 2009):
 What about thinking of starting your own lovelife but not with him.He is a married man, dear i tell you what" it is very hard to be in this situation. I know its hard to read what you really dont wanna read, but we are here to share what we think. So" i would say, let him go... the best part of it" is, it is very hard to let him go... but when you made it" you can congratulate your self then... good luck..
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 September 2009): When actions and words do not match, go with the actions every time! You say you know all the lies married men tell, then why do you think he is telling YOU the truth? He told you exactly what he needed to in order to get sex from you.
Get over it and for god's sake leave his wife alone!!!
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male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (21 September 2009):
 Its easy to be angry at the wife, but the fact of the matter is that he got caught. And as most married folks with children do, he will choose his children over everyone including his wife.
In other words, he may have a great deal of love for you, but his children are his priority.
Society doesn't tolerate "the other woman" nor the cheating spouse. But the fact of the matter is you and he were attracted to each other.
In your case, its best to move on and forget about him. He will never give you answers because his wife has probably made him promise not to contact you or see you again. This is standard operating procedure, and its possible you're not the first to enter into his trysts.
If you want explanations its simple. He's not going to risk hurting his kids for you. If his wife was on the way out the door and to the curb, he wouldn't risk the kids for her either.
So he's going to hurt everyone including himself, which also includes you.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): Don't you think it should be his wife you're worried about being mean to, not him? She was the innocent party in all of this, he was a low enough person to cheat on his wife and you shouldn't have put up with him. If he wouldn't leave his wife then there's no way he could care about you as much as he led you to believe, I'm sorry but it's quite obvious from what you've said. Both you and his wife deserve better than him, I know it will be hard but you could do so much better than him, you should be with someone who wants to be with you and only you an dyou should never settle for second best. If you want answers get them from him, I'm sure his wife must be heartbroken and she doesn't deserve to feel any more grief than she does already. You have to confront him and get him to tell you what you need to know, and then you have to try to find someone else, because there will be someone better for you than him.
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reader, Heartbroken in love +, writes (21 September 2009):
Honey he isn't yours to get tangled around. You don't deserve answers because he is a married man. You are or were the other woman. If you don't like this than you need to move on and start dating single available men. He is married and obviosly loves his wife and his kids. There may have been a rough spot in his marriage but it is certainly not rough enough that he feels he has to leave. He probably cares about you as well but he is not married to you. You say all the lies that you have read married men tell remind you of him so why even continue trying?
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 September 2009): "I feel like I should get my answers from his wife if she already knows and see what she has to say but....I dont think that I can be that mean to him."go back and read what you have just wrote. you can't be serious. his WIFE IS NOT YOUR ENEMY, HE IS. don't be a fool and blame her. you know what you are dealing with, basically WHO you are dealing with. stop making excuses for him and you. you both messed up. as the mistress you knew exactly what you were getting into. so stop playing the victim. the ONLY victim is his wife. what is sad is both you and his wife will be better of without him, but you two are too weak to even realise this. why must his wife answer to you. in fact you have a lot to answer to. you knew he was married. yet you freely indulged. speaks volumes, doesn't it. same story all the time. the wife is not the problem. your married lover is. just chalk tis down to experience and move on and remember married men are forbidden fruit.
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reader, CaringGuy  +, writes (21 September 2009):
Well I'm only young, but I know one thing. Men are brilliant at lying (having their cake and eating it as such). He's lied through his teeth. Believe me if he really loved you, he would have left his wife. He isn't going to leave her. That's it. So I'm afraid you have a choice. You can either dwell upon the married man who you can't have, or you can delete his number, his texts and everything else, go out and find a lovely single man who will treat you with far more respect, because you deserve better than to just be a mistress. I know all that sounds blunt, but this is a situation that demands it. All the best. x
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