A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I am in quite a complicated relationship, let me explain:1. I am a married man, no kids2. In a relationship with a woman 7 years older to me who is living with another man.3. We work toghether, earlier in the same team now in different teams but still interact on work as well.4. We started last year October, and slept a few times until december (Her bf used to come only on weekends until then).5. End of december her bf moved in with her.6. She tells me in december that we need to stop because she wants to have a kid with her bf and she cannot sleep with 2 men at the same time.7. I agreed but said lets continue without sex. SHe agreed.8. Current situation is we are very very close, call each other romantic names, say thigns like miss u, we are msging each other the entire day, (we ahve rules like telling each other good morning and good night when we get up and sleep) we walk home together everyday after wrok, go for dinners and lunches often.9. Obv neither of our partners know about this closeness.10. We share everythign about our lives together: about our partners, money everything. I even have the password to all her email, chat accoutns etc.11. The problem is I still want her sexually and she says if we do anything it will create issues because she wants to focus on sexlife with her bf to have a kid she is 37 and feels she needs to now.12. I once told her I am willing to leave my wife for her, but she said it does not make sense (we are from different nationalities), and she feels that this is better for both of us.13. I am very possesive over her with other men in office, and she understands this and is usually fine with it, but soemtmies we fight.14. I dont know what to make of this whole thing, I am ejnoying this sexless cheating companionship but at the same time have feelings of rejection building up which hurts.15. I feel the only way to get out of this, is to fall in love with another woman, and have been trying to get someone else without telling her.16. I know the best is to fall back in love with my wife but am not able to do so. She has put on 45 pounds weight since marriage (we have been married 5 years) and am not attracted to her anymore.Please advice. Its hurting real bad.
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female
reader, angelDlite  +, writes (26 June 2011):
 op- when you say you were picked on as a child, who was it that picked on you? your parents? in particular your father? if so you could really do with getting some help to over come this or else you may find that after you finish with the girlfriend you will continue the same sort of behaviour and may end up cheating again, as a way of getting the positive attention, that you lacked in your childhood. you need to get to the root of your problem in order to fix it. you cannot just put a band-aid on your marriage and hope for the best because something with in you is damaged and has stopped you from developing into a happy well adjusted person. this isn't your fault but what you need to do now, more for yourself than for your wife or anyone else is get this fixed
best wishes
x
A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionTo the last response of Red Athena - I feel this is exactly the reason why she is still keeping this thing up, because I am making her feel wanted and sexy, and pumping up her self esteem. Of course, since she doestn want it anymore it does the opposite to me.
It is clear I need to move on from this girl - she is being unfair to me and even to her boy friend.
As to myself, I think the comments on my low self esteem are accurate - have always had a confidence issue from childhood - was always the weak kid being picked on and guess it makes me feel the need to be wanted all the time.
I need to get over this , but trust me it is easier said than done. I do not want to leave my wife - she is a lovely girl with a smart head and a big heart (great cook too...:))
I will make this marriage work, I know I can..will keep all of you posted with regular updates, but it is time to get my life under control..
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A
female
reader, RedAthena  +, writes (23 June 2011):
 """I have just one confsion...when things were going good with this girl I was very nice to everyone including my wife! For example when I spent an evening with this GF..i was in such a good mood that I would be loving with my wife..and even more sexual with her! Can someone explain that?"""
I am suprised you asked this question.
Spending an evening with someone who makes you feel good, desirable, sexy, wanted, etc pumps up your self esteem and ego. By the time you got home, you probably felt like superman. That is the psychlogical aspect.
Physically, the more sex we have, the MORE we want it. That is just basic human biology.
Your wife did not benefit from your cheating. Only YOU did.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (23 June 2011):
yep, its coz you were happy, on cloud nine, loved up and having lots of sex that cheered you up, that's why you were in a better mood with everyone, even your wife and if you were properly in love with your wife that's the feeling you would have pretty much all the time, without the need for affairs.
leave your wife, not only because she deserves better but you will then be free to find real love with someone else, as a free agent, without the complications that cheating brings
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question
I have just one confsion...when things were going good with this girl I was very nice to everyone including my wife! For example when I spent an evening with this GF..i was in such a good mood that I would be loving with my wife..and even more sexual with her! Can someone explain that?
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (23 June 2011):
 I am in quite a complicated relationship, let me explain:
1. I am a married man, no kids
[So you said vows to your wife?]
2. In a relationship with a woman 7 years older to me who is living with another man.
[So you are alas, man number 2, lower on the scale and not the one who would make her change things.]
3. We work toghether, earlier in the same team now in different teams but still interact on work as well.
[So you work together. So?]
4. We started last year October, and slept a few times until december (Her bf used to come only on weekends until then).
[She's not that into you.]
5. End of december her bf moved in with her.
[It's even more clear she's not that into you. Her boyfriend has moved in with her.]
6. She tells me in december that we need to stop because she wants to have a kid with her bf and she cannot sleep with 2 men at the same time.
[She's now made it official that she is not into you and doesn't want to sleep with you. She's breaking up with you.]
]
7. I agreed but said lets continue without sex. SHe agreed.
[So you're not sexual with her. You are merely a friend now.]
8. Current situation is we are very very close, call each other romantic names, say thigns like miss u, we are msging each other the entire day, (we ahve rules like telling each other good morning and good night when we get up and sleep) we walk home together everyday after wrok, go for dinners and lunches often.
[You're still not sexual with each other. She's probably hoping you will not 'out' her as to your prior sexual relationship.]
9. Obv neither of our partners know about this closeness.
[The closeness is now merely chat.]
10. We share everythign about our lives together: about our partners, money everything. I even have the password to all her email, chat accoutns etc.
11. The problem is I still want her sexually and she says if we do anything it will create issues because she wants to focus on sexlife with her bf to have a kid she is 37 and feels she needs to now.
[She doesn't want you sexually any longer. She wants a family and you are not the one to give her the family.]
12. I once told her I am willing to leave my wife for her, but she said it does not make sense (we are from different nationalities), and she feels that this is better for both of us.
[She's breaking up with you.]
13. I am very possesive over her with other men in office, and she understands this and is usually fine with it, but soemtmies we fight.
[This means you've become an annoyance in the office but she is moving on.]
14. I dont know what to make of this whole thing, I am ejnoying this sexless cheating companionship but at the same time have feelings of rejection building up which hurts.
[She's moving on. She has determined that you will not be the father of her children and she is moving on.]
15. I feel the only way to get out of this, is to fall in love with another woman, and have been trying to get someone else without telling her.
[Good luck with that. Sounds like a teenager's solution to the problem but whatever works for you.]
16. I know the best is to fall back in love with my wife but am not able to do so. She has put on 45 pounds weight since marriage (we have been married 5 years) and am not attracted to her anymore.
[Well then, let your wife go to find the man who will adore her and love her!]
Please advice. Its hurting real bad.
[Research the grief process. That will help. When you know that you are experiencing the usual stages of grief, you will feel better.]
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (22 June 2011):
"I once told her I am willing to leave my wife for her, but she said it does not make sense (we are from different nationalities), and she feels that this is better for both of us."
You're just sitting on the fence. If you want to be with her, then leave your wife. If you can't leave your wife, then, well, you may be friends but you have no say in her future plans.
Leave your wife if you can't be with her. Just be prepared for your wife to lose that weight, and for your wife to become sexually available to other partners.
Based on your followups, um, well, if it's a game of coming out on top and winning the race, I'm afraid you've already lost. She's way out ahead of you. You've lost.
Nothing you can do now, really. You could break up with her and find another lover? Ah well, I guess things will balance themselves out....
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A
female
reader, RedAthena +, writes (22 June 2011):
"""I hope this aspect of not wanting to leave as the loser makes sense, but isn't this critical for your self esteem? I want to be the one to tell her "please do not keep in touch with me my new girl does not like it"""You do not have a marriage problem or a relationship problem.You have a problem with YOU. This is all about your feelings and what you want. You do not consider the feelings and well being of anyone else.You want to be able to tell the woman you had an affair with to not contact you because (now fictional new girl) would be upset? Are you kidding yourself? You will not spare the feelings of an imaginary person, but you do not care for the feelings of your WIFE because she put on weight? You can not fall in love with your wife again, because you are confusing LOVE and LUST. Lust is based on being attracted enough to have a sexual relationship, which is apparently all you want from the woman in your life.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (21 June 2011):
sympathy is thin on the ground when a player gets played. leave your poor wife, hopefully she will find a real grown up to have a relationship with. with regard to your GF it is hardly surprising that you don't trust her so she needs kicking into touch also. get help for your issues. on your own. then when you can be trusted with women again, pick someone who is the loyal type, not someone who uses you as a plaything for when her husband/boyfriend is unavailable. i think you have got self esteem issues, messing around with an emotionally unavailable women will just grind you down even lower. it doesn't surprise me that you don't even care what you are doing to your wife, as you are so wrapped up in trying to get love for yourself, i pity you coz i wonder what shaped you into this sort of person. childhood problems? hope you get help
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI just want to say few more things:I have always suspected this other girl to be flirting with one of my very good friends in office. Have had sleepless nights thinking about it and often secretly call him or land up at his place to be sure they are not together. When I say sleepless nights I mean it _ i have gone sometimes 3 days without sleeping until I collapse and my wife thinks its because of work related stress and even took me to a doctor who gave some pills that helped.There is also another aspect: I feel the sex from my side was perhaps not good enough and that eats me alive. All in all life seems to be a complete mess compared to the simple life I had back in October. I have been playing so many games in my mind that I have lost track of wats real or not. Everytime she smiles I feel she is mocking me, when she is serious I feel she doesnt care.As to my friend when he looks at me in an odd way; i feel he is thinking you're such a sucker you feel she does not sleep with you because of her boy friend but the truth is I am sleeping her with everynight her boy friend is away.She understands the issue and tries to reassure me by letting me have all her passowrds and when we meet she even lets me check her mobile phone and emails.I need help..sometimes I feel like am drowning with a sense of not being good enough and being an idiot.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (20 June 2011):
 "I do understand the comments, some of them harsh but true. There is one thing I wanted to mention: I do want to leave this girlfriend, but I want to do so with a sense of victory I want her to know I have someone else and I am no longer there for her.She used me, she said she was lonely those days and she found it exciting and then when we started she realised that she was falling in love and did not want to screw up her life with her bf and hence stopped.I hope this aspect of not wanting to leave as the loser makes sense, but isn't this critical for your self esteem? I want to be the one to tell her "please do not keep in touch with me my new girl does not like it"From what you have said, you really do have an almost complete lack of concern for anyone but yourself. Don't you think, in comparison, that the heartache and bitter sadness your wife will eventually feel is much more significant than you leaving with a "sense of victory"? It's like you are in a lifeboat that is taking on water, your wife is sleeping in the middle, and you are busy looking at your reflection on the bottom of the metal bucket, trying to decide which way to part your hair.COME ON, DUDE! Your marriage is in critical condition and on it's final breath! Who cares about saving face with a girlfriend?!And I agree with what another poster said about you thinking in a very immature way. Honestly man we don't know each other, and I am not perfect by any means. You are already having conversations in your own mind about how you would like the various scenarios to work out, how you hope they will respond. And your ultimate goal is to get everything you want and yet not have anything that can be criticized by others. Again, it is all about you. Consider that you have a MARRIAGE in ruins. You have a wife, right now. You are operating in every way as if you are in high school secretly dating two "chicks" and you are worried about how to handle prom. This is the real world, dude. Marriage is a legal arrangement. And I say that because you are setting yourself up for World War III. Once it comes out that you have had another lover for years, and decided your marriage means nothing anymore because your wife put on some weight, everyone is gonna want to destroy you. Your wife is gonna have a field day in court.Think about what is really happening here. About the many people who will have very intense pain and scarring from what has been done. This stopped being about just getting what you want when you made a legal agreement to be faithful to your wife.Tread carefully, you are going to wake a sleeping giant. Haven't you heard the saying about a woman scorned?I'm gonna stop there. But believe me, I could write for another hour. There are so many things going on here!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 June 2011):
of course you want to come out of this looking like the winner. sorry but i think this has a lot to do with your character which seems (purely based on your post) to be selfish and immature. also the fact that you feel used, led on and let down by your girlfriend and now she decides that the affair no longer suits her and so she fancies having a go at motherhood and making a family with her boyfriend, maybe this is just another one of her fads that she will lose interest in, who knows?!
if you want to make her feel like crap i think it works better if you just cut her out of your life NOW. don't bother to give her a reason. no more lunches at work, and let her think about what she has done on her walks home from work ALONE. treat her like she is treating you - like you never really mattered.
you are looking desperately to meet someone else just so you can say to your ex GF 'don't contact me, the new GF doesn't like it' that will tell he that you don't mind her contacting you but you are so spineless that you are allowing a brand new GF to dictate to you who you can and can't speak to. it also will make you look like you are some desperate sad case that just HAD to replace her with someone- anyone, even though you are married.
better to leave her wondering what you are doing i think, maybe even have doubts if breaking up with you was a good idea or not. what you are proposing to do just makes you look sad, desperate and childish and will confirm to her that she is better off without you.
leave your wife. stop letting her waste her life on you. if you don't love her or find her attractive now, you probably never will again. in my experience - love doesn't grow back! let her move on and find someone worthy. you do the same. hopefully when you find the right one you won't feel the need to play juvenile games like this behind their back
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks to all who responded.I do understand the comments, some of them harsh but true. There is one thing I wanted to mention: I do want to leave this girlfriend, but I want to do so with a sense of victory I want her to know I have someone else and I am no longer there for her.She used me, she said she was lonely those days and she found it exciting and then when we started she realised that she was falling in love and did not want to screw up her life with her bf and hence stopped.I hope this aspect of not wanting to leave as the loser makes sense, but isn't this critical for your self esteem? I want to be the one to tell her "please do not keep in touch with me my new girl does not like it"
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 June 2011):
you're being used as a bit of companionship, attention, lunch buddy and someone to walk home with. your girlfriend knows you would leave your wife for her but she does not want you to. she wants to make her life with her boyfriend - you are just a friend. are you still gonna want to hang around with her when she gets pregnant and gives birth to her boyfriends baby? after all, she might put on weight!
i suggest you leave your wife, not because she has put on 45 pounds but because you lack the respect for and maturity to be able to deal with this weight gain.
i am not even gonna tell you what i think of point 15 in your post coz i am not here to slate you, but to try to give advice so ...
firstly - let your girlfriend go and get on with her life and her baby-making, she is at an age where it is pretty much now or never.
secondly - don't be used by someone. your girlfriend is keeping you on a string and its all on her terms. not fair on you or her real boyfriend
thirdly - sort your marriage out or leave it and both you and your wife go your separate ways to have a chance of being happy with others
and finally, see this affair for what it is - you say now you are hurting real bad but you would be happy to sneak around and get with yet another woman behind your girlfriends back?? that does not add up - start being HONEST with yourself instead of convincing yourself that you have stronger feelings for someone than you really do have.
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A
male
reader, Wheeler +, writes (20 June 2011):
Wow, I think it will be hard to get anyone to feel bad that it is "hurting real bad", considering that you are not only married and cheating on your wife, but considering finding yet another woman to start an affair (let's call a spade a spade) to bandage your broken heart. :-)But, that is not what you are asking to hear, so I will let it go. (Although you should prepare yourself for others not being so gracious.)Here is how I see things: We all have a set of needs that we seek to have fulfilled by another person or persons. And I say persons because if you are not in a committed relationship you may have several people that fulfill certain needs.Needs: Intimacy, sex, shared interests, financial or living arrangements, etc. When you make the decision to get married, you are making the decision (hopefully) to only have one person to which you go for fulfillment of the more important needs. I say all that to say this, a marriage will never work if you are choosing to have some of your core needs met by a person outside of the marriage. And doing so just invites a lot of pain and ultimately no fulfillment. Now, you don't need me to tell you that the only true solution is to end the marriage. I am sure you have thought about all of these things.But it is also obvious that you are looking elsewhere for intimacy and sex. Any advice you could get from other people on this website will not fix the ultimate problem.Do you want someone to suggest you find another person to fall in love with? Even if you did, you would be trading one unfulfilling situation for another.You shouldn't press things with your current lover, as that would not only ruin her relationship (and obvious attempt to make things right in her life), but also probably fail.The other option is to either try to make progress in your marriage, or end the marriage. I'm sorry if I have not been helpful, but I don't know what else to say. :-)
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reader, anonymous, writes (19 June 2011): This is very complicated. Can you honestly fall in love with your wife? Today I left my husband of 7 years, we have 2 kids together because I cannot fall in love with him. He is still physically attractive but there has been a lot of hurt between us that I cannot get over with.If you cannot fall in love with your wife, I do think that being honest with yourself is the best policy. Leave her and pursue what you really want. The infatuation to this woman will fade but eventually another one will take its place. Not fair to your wife to be the second choice.
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A
female
reader, SMARTERthaniappear +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Why would you be thinking of starting another relationship when you haven't yet ended the relationship you are already in. I really do feel for your wife! The least you could do is end that relationship instead of having an affair. This would be better for you and her. You still shouldn't jump the gun and get with the other girl until she leaves her current relationship. This will cause less confusion and heartache. TRUST ME! Don't be selfish and only think of your feelings!!! After all you did make vows to your wife to love her unconditionally. If you were to get with the other girl I don't think it would be a lasting relationship anyways due to your current actions. What if she were to get pregnant and have a child. Having children does leave baby fat unless she's very determined. Baby fat is not easy to rid of so it's likely that she'll gain weight just like your current wife. I hope you make the right decision. I wish you the best =)HOPE I HELPED ^.^
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (19 June 2011):
 Imagine if your wife was doing this to you. Would you be hurting 'real bad'?? What you are doing is extremely selfish. Marriage is for better and for worse. I'm sure you do not look like you did 5 years ago either.The fact is, you have some issues outside of both these women that you need to deal with. Perhaps you're constantly in search of that 'falling in love' rush or enjoy the chase of a woman that is not yours. This is NOT normal. You need to seek some counselling. Your 'other woman' is trying to make a baby with her boyfriend. When a child comes along she'll isolate herself even more from you - she's building a family and her boyfriend will become her family.You need to resolve the issues you have within yourself - why do you cheat, why do you do it without guilt, why do you not love your wife??? You need to figure these things out, divorce your wife and go on to having a normal healthy committed relationship.Your lack of guilt and selfishness is shocking to read!
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