A
male
age
41-50,
*ames77
writes:I became an alcoholic and drug addict when I was 15 years old. I met my wife when I was 17, she was 14. I am now almost 33 years old. When we met, I was drunk and high everyday, and the relationship was for me simply a sexual relationship but she viewed it as much much more than that. From the very beginning I never felt any real feelings for her, but I have always been the type that I don't want to hurt other people's feelings, especially those that are close to me. So I never tried to break up with her until 1999. It was a weak attempt and with a few tears she convinced me to stay with her. I was high and that was all that mattered to me back then. I then tried harder in 2001, 6 years after we met and 6 years into our dating. We stayed broken up for about a day. She is very strong willed and said her life was over. I must admit I am somewhat of a pushover and let her back in again. She convinced me to get married in 2003. It felt so retarded. I felt like I was lying through my teeth when I was up there at the wedding. I spent the entire night before our (30 thousand dollar) wedding smoking crack and drinking. I left the reception early and passed out in the limo outside. I was a bad drug addict and needed help. My parents were always enablers and never really tried tough love. My wife was just happy to be with me and I don't even know if she cared about the drugs. Now in the past couple years I have started a slow road to recovery from addiction. We also have a 2 year old daughter who I love more than life itself. There is no way I can divorce my wife now but I lost all desire for her long ago. Like I said, from the start there was no real relationship, but she has always been there for me. I love her but have never been in love with her. I feel like I am missing out on life. I never have been with someone and experienced a real love relationship. I yearn for that daily. Now that I am getting sober (slowly decreasing a drug called subutex that is given to opiate addicts) I am feeling and I really really feel like I need somebody in my life that I really care about. But I could never leave my daughter. I love her more than words can say, she is such a sweet child. I don't know, I am just ranting I guess but I am really depressed over this.
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alcoholic, depressed, divorce, drugs, drunk, wedding Reply to this Question
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male
reader, young-man  +, writes (25 June 2012):
It's been a year, just wondering how it turned out?
I'm in a similar position to you although I don't have the same life story of course. I've been in a long term relationship and don't believe I have ever really loved my partner the way I should if it was real love.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (31 May 2010): I totally understand what you mean when you say you love your wife but you aren't IN LOVE with her. there is a massive difference. I too am at this crossroad where I am not in love with my boyfriends. Our choices are simple. Make ourselves miserable for the rest of our lives in order to keep another person happy (does not sound appealing to me) or leave and be true to ouselves. Its not going to be easy, breaking someones heart never is but its unfair to be with a person when you dont love them. She may beg and plead and cry to make you stay but in the long run she will be better off. She wont see it that way for a long time, it may take years but eventualy she will find someone that loves her and then she will understand.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2010): I disagree with all the advice here except the most recent. Honey, get out of it now. You will only be hurting your daughter in the long run. You will be hurting her chance at love, because children imitate their parents. She will think its okay to be unhappy with someone she doesn't love. Also, it is very painful for children to witness their parents being unhappy. I have a friend whose parents are still together even though one doesn't love the other. Her father was forced into a marriage he was uncertain about, but he doesn't want to hurt his children so he stays with her even though their personalities don't mesh and he doesn't love her. She stuck by him and paid for him to go to school and for their living expenses while he was in school and virtually took care of him. They were together for 20+ years. He is still miserable. He tried to love her. He appreciated what she had done, and bought her gifts and tried to shower her with romance. But forcing romance doesn't make real love. If you people honestly, down there, are forcing yourselves to love anyone who cares about you then I am sorry.
Anyways, my friend is now old enough to see the trouble in her parents marriage.. And she no longer believes in love at all. She is skeptical about marriage, and it affects her behavior in a very negative way and makes her act out. It has also made her very resentful towards her mother.
Life is too short to spend it being miserable. You need to break the news to her gently, and tell her you still want to be in her and your daughter's life. Just because you divorce doesn't mean you lose your daughter. You may not be able to see each other as much, but it will be better for everyone in the long run if you don't force yourself to suffer for her. It may even make her hate herself later on.
I think the main reason the responses were the way they were is because people are so used to hearing the other side here- we always hear from the loyal female seeking help about her distant husband and thus have begun to sympathize with them and because of that they were trying to make the situation better for HER. Sure, for her it would be awesome if you started loving her.. But realistically, it just won't happen.
That's how I feel- people think that going for your own happiness is selfish, but it really isn't. Everyone deserves to be happy. Your happiness shouldn't be sacrificed for this, as it may actually hurt the very thing you want to protect in an irreversible manner. Start dating again. Find love. Show your daughter that a happy, working relationship can exist. My parents did that for me. My dad was pressured into marrying a girl when he was 18 and he's regretted it his whole life. He didn't love her. They divorced, and he ended up marrying my mom later down the road. They have been together for 25 years and are blissfully happy. They still are finding new "songs" for their relationship, taking dance classes together, going on romantic get-aways, cuddling, holding hands, raving (positively) about eachother to other people.. My mom will sit and talk to me about how cute my dad is and how much she loves him for like an hour. They talk on the phone multiple times every single day, and they are each others best friends and soul mates. Their relationship has affected me in such a positive way it's astounding. I have found one for myself now. Now it's your turn.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 May 2010): I partly disagree with the advise here. I don't think you should make life decisions while you are still in recovery, but I think you deserve to be in a loving relationship. I also think your wife deserves a husband that truly loves her. Loyalty alone is no reason to stay married.
Your daughter may not be better off with two parents who are not in love.
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A
female
reader, sammyo +, writes (10 May 2010):
I think you need to take into consideration the importance of your family. If you leave, what will happen to your child? Is your happiness of greater importance? Have you tried to rekindle the romance, or in your case, have romance, in the relationship between you and your wife?Show your love for her and she will show the same. What if she really is "the one" for you and you've just overlooked her. Kiss her passionately, let go of your apprehension and just let it flow. You're not in love just yet but you may come to "fall for her" like you never have before. Your child will thank you for making it work if you choose to let to happen. Have passion, be happy, and try to love her like she has loved you. If you lose her who's going to love you? Your child will but it's not that easy to find some other woman who'll make you fall in love - AND love your child. Divorce is messy and won't just hurt you, your child may come to resent you. It takes years to settle cases with children. Don't risk it..
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (10 May 2010): Your wife sounds like a loyal person. If you feel you could eventually be in love with her, try seeing the positive. She's been there forever, willing to make a commitment to you, and has a child with you. Hopefully she has a good personality - one you can come to be in love with.
In your predicament, I'd plan a date and really get to know her. Be her best friend - start with small steps. Maybe you will come to see the great aspects about her, maybe you could come to a point where you really do love her as more than a family member. I'd say try. What will it hurt to try?
If anything, you may find out some things that you've missed about her while being on drugs. She's been very loyal to you so maybe it's your turn to give her something back.
Good Luckk
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Life isn't fair. There are no answers to you situation that will give you complete satisfaction.
Your choices in the cold light of day are:
Accept and grow to love what you have...best case scenario.
Tell your wife your marriage is over, get a divorce so you can both move on...not great but very honest and fair.
Cheat on your wife to satisfy your own needs, ignore hers and risk her finding out, hurting her and causing massive emotional pain and distress to her (which she doesn't deserve)...worst possible scenario for her, ok for you but to be honest you'd be and asshole if you did this!! (most men choose this option because they think they can get away with it...that may be true in this life but eventually your going to pay the ultimate price.
Nobody here can give your the sun shiney sugar coated option because there isnt one.
Your a man, deal with it.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (9 May 2010):
 Actually I am comparing love for one individual to love for another individual. Acknowledging and accepting what love truly is makes the great difference. Intimate feelings are feelings of intimacy, which may lead to the choice of loving someone, but in itself is not love.
Love is stable, it has no ups and down, not does it contain any attributes other than being what it is. So, you may see it as different than that, and it's okay to do so. Just because we have lost what the true meaning of love is, doesn't mean it takes a new form because society accepts it as such. Love is still love, and that it all it ever will be.
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A
male
reader, James77 +, writes (8 May 2010):
James77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I don't mean to be rude here, but you guys are giving advice on a site called "dearcupid" and it seems that neither one of you know the difference between loving somebody and being IN LOVE with somebody. There is a vast difference. Let me explain.
You love your parents, children, and close friends. You are close to these people and you have good feelings towards them (sometimes people don't love other members of their family but you get my point I hope).
You are not IN LOVE with these people. When you are IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE, that means you have intimate feelings for that person. You want to spend every waking minute with the person, you want to be a lover to that person (sexually), and you are just enthralled with that person. The vast majority of the time you fall in love with someone of the opposite sex. However sometimes gay people fall in love with members of the same sex. Again, what I am explaining now is being IN LOVE with somebody.
rcn, you compared my love with my child to my love for my wife. You are comparing apples and oranges man. You are supposed to be IN LOVE with your wife, you should never fall IN LOVE with your child. MY PROBLEM (THAT I CAME HERE FOR) is that I only love my wife, I am not IN LOVE with my wife.
Please guys understand this difference, it is the root of my problem.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (4 May 2010):
Maybe it's not that we don't see the whole picture, as much as it may be that we're giving you a broader, outside your box look at possibility.
You're right, you won't fall in love with her, because love is not a falling. Love is greatly misrepresented, as if it had different variances of. Love is 100% choice. Look at the love you have for your daughter. Do you have to "fall in love" with her, or do you just say, "I love you", knowing it, feeling it and above all else, choosing it. She may not be perfect, and will (as all children do) make mistakes, but yet you don't question whether or not you love her, and you don't love her any less because of imperfection. Love between a husband and a wife, same logic as love between a parent and a child.
Therefore, it'd be correct to state, that you never chose to love her and see yourself as never making that choice. Also, where we are held responsible for our personal conduct and choices, there is no, "end up cheating", because that to is a "shall I cheat", "shall I not cheat", scenario. When you say "end up" says that it's automatic, and just something that happens. That would only be an attempt at excusing bad behavior or making a bad choice, which you know is not acceptable reasoning.
I agree as well that where you had already made your choice, you weren't seeking advice, and where you're depressed, it's because of lacking in your sense of self, that should be treated by counseling and/or utilizing a life coach.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (4 May 2010):
Oh so you want condonement for cheating?...You won't get it from me.
Im not sure why you asked for help here, you seem to have made up your mind. Perhaps your right, your poor darling wife deserves the love of a good man...it's a shame it can't be from you.
You may have someone lined up to cheat with...I hope it makes you happy.
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A
male
reader, James77 +, writes (4 May 2010):
James77 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the responses. I agree with you guys that my wife is a wonderful person who has stuck by me. But I don't know 1 person who would stay with a person they have absolutely no feelings for. Even though I was high and drunk for a large part of the past 15 years I have been with her, I know her inside and out and she knows me inside and out. We have absolutely nothing in common. Our personalities are 180 degrees different. There is no hope that I will ever fall in love with her. You can't force that. It comes naturally or it doesn't come.
EVERY person I know who has gotten married (and had choices of who to marry) was madly in love with their wife/husband. I don't know anyone who took my path and got married simply because my girlfriend nagged at me weekly more and more to give her a ring. She is a spoiled brat.
I'm sorry, you guys just aren't seeing the big picture. You don't marry somebody that you have no feelings for at all. That's what I did. I married a person I was not in love with. Yes she has stayed beside me because she is in love with me.
My final and main point is that I know I could find someone who is in love with me and that I would be in love with them. However I am stuck here in this marriage that will never go anywhere.
And don't get me wrong, I treat my wife very well. If not for our daughter I would leave. It would be the only fair thing to do. My wife deserves somebody that can give her the equal love that she gives out. But it won't happen. I fear I will just end up cheating.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (1 May 2010):
I'd have to agree with AuntyEm. There are not may people out there who would stick with someone who's gone through what you had with addiction.
What I'd recommend is you begin to have a real relationship with your wife. You'd never had one, so why not start now with the lady who's stuck with you through these times. You're different now, in recovery, so why not give it a shot. Let her know that while being messed up, you really didn't have a chance to get to know her. Tell her that you want to get to know her now, and start new as a fresh sober couple. It could make a world of difference by not condemning your marriage for the past, and by embracing your marriage from this day forward, with the intent of learning, and building together.
Love is a choice, you can see that through the love you have for your daughter. She'll make mistakes, you'll still love her, without question. Why not choose to have the same love for the woman, who, if it wasn't for her part as well, you're daughter wouldn't be here.
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (30 April 2010):
I dont really know what to say other than I envy you.
I envy that you have someone who loves you, cares for you, has stuck by you during a difficult life...and a life that has obviously affected her life. You are blessed, you just don't know it. There are many kinds of love...but the love you yearn for is the stuff of fairytales. That passionate kind of love doesn't last in most cases.
You are also recovering from drink and drugs and there are not many good women out there who could love you, knowing you are going through that.
I would give anything to have someone so caring and sensitive to my needs.
Maybe when it's gone you will realise that.
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