A
female
age
51-59,
*pril22
writes:I really need some advice. i am in a marriage that fell apart. a part of me wants to stay because i have a young child with my husband. my husband and i met when we were 22. we have been together for 20 years. he was my first true love. it has been rocky at times and the past ten years we've have not really have any real marriage due to so many on-going issues with his family and my child. we co-existedin the same house with his lederly parents who we took care of until they both got extremely sick and died. It took its toll on our marriage for the first ten years of our marriage because we never had any time together because we were always in and out of hospitals because of my in laws and had child with various health issues. we stop having sex years ago. we don't have any conversations unless its regarding our child or household related issues. it's not a marriage that I am proud to be in. we live more like roommates. i believed that he cheated on me over the years because he wasn't getting sex at home. he refuses to tell if he did because he said it wouldn't change anything. i already contribute $2000 month into a joint checking account to cover any bills., he feels upset that he has to contribute more for a family car and vacation because he's a man. i grew up with the notion that a man should take care of a woman. he thinks that I should pay more for his car that he uses for transportation to work and to get my child around. i feel that i have my own work related travels expense and that it is ridiculous to contribute more . we fight over money all the time and the last fight we had was over a stupid dinner that i kept on postponing due to work or school related issues. that fight lasted over six months and is still on-going. he is angry refuses to talk to me and is downright rude. he is brain washing my child against me by telling her that mommy is cheap and doesn't love her. the past six months have been an emotional roller coaster - we barely talk - i attempted but we end up arguing in front of buy child. i've been upset and sad. it's been years since we kissed or held hands let alone have sex. i have been faithful to him all theses years. he's been on cyber porn sites and disappears for hours on the weekend. he tells our child not to tell me that he is taking his "girl" friends to dinner because mommy would be upset and he threatens to leave her behind so she won't tell. he wamts a divorce but a part of me wants to try to make it work. last nite while we were arguing , i tried to hug him but he was angry and pushed me away. he told me not to ask him if he cheated because he will never tell. i am torn because a part of me doesn't want to let go even though a part knows that I should he told me that if I wanted to get this marriage to work - i will have to put more money into the car and other expense. I don't think that i really want to put more time or money into this relationship because it's not a marriage anymore.
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female
reader, april22 +, writes (18 May 2013):
april22 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI want to thank all of you who have responded. I want to make sure that i am making the right decision because of my child. it's not fair that she is torn between her father and I. He does love her but he teaches her to hide and conceal the truth from me. I hate asking her questions because she was told by her dad that if she tells me anything about the women that he goes to dinner with, he will not take her anymore. the hardest part for me is letting go because of our history together- we have over twenty years together and the sad thing is that a part of me stills loves him. thank you nick for your perspective. I sincerely hope that my child grows up to be stable like you. I've seen how other children grow up in a household where either the mom or dad cheated and divorced. majority of those kids have anger and trust issues. I do not know if I strong enough to walk away because I am hurting so much right now. Every other day, I have been crying and it hurts my daughter and my mother when she sees me like this. my mom wants to support me emotionally but doesn't how
A
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): Don't fool yourself and take action and get the f-- out of this mess. You don't have to be a martyr or saint for no-body. They are dead and the way you keep going your going to join them . If nothing else do it for your child. Nobody has any right to disrespect you. Who is this egotistical bastard anyways? Pack your stuff up and get out today. Don't even tell him why he really doesn't care anyways. Get a hold of a good lawyer and private investigator and make him pay support and payments until he is eighty years old. Good-luck...
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): I agree with the poster below - you can't imagine what this is doing to your daughter. Are you truly staying for her or for yourself?
I'm one of three kids, only daughter to parents who were very hateful towards each other. I have to say, it was mostly my dad...trying to drain my moms bank account, making stupid demands, yelling and bullying. By the time I was a teen, he began lashing at me also, as I'm female.
It gave me a VERY bad example. I literally thought that if a man loves you, he gets very passionate - in a good or bad way. So, I thought yelling and tantrums and abuse and demands was a normal part of a relationship. Infact, it meant that the man loved you.
From 17- 25 I ended up with an abusive boyfriend very much like my dad. I literally thought this was normal.
Please think again about what exactly this is doing to your daughter. Its a poor example of how a woman should be treated in a relationship. Its teaching her to stay and tolerate abuse when in a relationship.
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A
female
reader, k_c100  +, writes (17 May 2013):
 I actually think the longer you stay in this marriage the more likely he is to brain-wash your child and turn her against you, so in fact if you stay with him you will damage the child more than if you ended the marriage.
You have made it clear you think this marriage is already over, and he is just blackmailing you - putting more money into his car is not going to magically solve all your problems and make you love each other again.
This child has already been damaged by seeing such a dysfunctional relationship - she will think that all women should put up with their husbands cheating and having 'other girlfriends', she will think that women are weak and should be walked all over, she will not understand what love between man and wife should be.....you are not setting a good example of marriage to her right now, and if you are not careful she will grow up and end up in a crappy marriage like you have right now because she wont know any different.
You will be doing the right thing to leave, this is not a marriage and neither you or the child is currently happy. Walk away, you have put up with this for long enough and need to end it.
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A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (17 May 2013):
 In your last sentence you gave yourself the answer to yoiur question. You DON'T really want to try and make it work ( not that I can blame you ! ). You don't really want to put anymore time, effort and money into this marriage than it alreday costed- you had enough. You'd want it to work but on its own, magically - if you did not have to sweat blood to make it work, and if your husband was willing to do something too for making it work.
Since both these two conditions are missing, I think you would be wasting time flogging this dead horse . If your qualms are about the child, I can understand that, but, frankly-he does not sound such a great parent or educator, in fact he is being pretty lousy and offering her a very bad example of male role model.
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A
male
reader, xnickx +, writes (17 May 2013):
 As a 20 year old who grew up in a broken home, I'll tell you what I can from a kids perspective. My parent's divorced when I was 13. Excuse my french, but my mom was a b^^^h, and it sounds like she may share common ground with your husband. There was so much tension in the house, it was unbearable. There was arguing all the time, between parents, she would often lash out at us [the kids].The tension was especially bad in the years preceding the divorce, but my dad believed in staying together for us. Eventually one day I broke down and told my dad that I couldn't take it any more. I couldn't stand watching him be abused by my mother. I told him I wanted him to get a divorce.Personally, I tried to make it work with my mom for the next two years, but when I was 15 I decided that even I couldn't take it and I broke off contact with her, and I haven't talked to her since. I'm fairly sure that breaking off contact with someone manipulative and abusive as her did wonders for my psychological health. I am currently doing extremely well for myself, I have earned scholarships and grants, and am working 3 jobs to get my college loans down to about 5000 a semester, I'm working on 2 degrees at the moment, and will be going for my doctorate in a few yearsMy brother, who is 2 years younger, while he lives with my dad, sees my mom every other weekend. I'm not sure if it's the age at which it occurred or if it's because he still has contact with her, but he is psychologically in a bad place right now. I just came home from college 2 weeks ago, so I haven't seen him in a while, but now he is kinda dysfunctional. He refuses any degree of conversation with myself or my dad, walks around the house literally like a zombie, and sleeps away most of the day. It really seems like he has no motivation to do anything whatsoever.My sister, who is 10 years younger than myself, and only a toddler really when this happened, seems to be adjusting just fine. She is normal and happy and talkative, although, when she comes over here on her odd weekends, when she first get's here, she has a few of my mothers unfortunate traits, but by the end of the weekend, she really is enjoyable to be around. My mother has physical custody.I think, personally, if your husband is as manipulative as you say he is, it would be best for you to divorce, and to keep your daughter out from the middle as much as possible, because I think that's what happened with my brother. All he wanted was a whole family, and he gets stuck in the middle because if he pleases one parent, he automatically displeases another.Also, for your own well being, you are not his ATM, and you deserve better. While I'm sure many here will disagree that men are meant to take care of women, I was brought up by my dad to believe that too. Whatever the case, I think it's safe to say that women are not expected to be, nor should they be, financially responsible for men. I would suggest that you get out and find something or someone who treats you how you deserve to be treated. Do what you know needs to be done and go make yourself happy.I wish you and your child all the best,Nick.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (17 May 2013): Your right it's not a marriage. You've been very disrespected by him. Who knows he could be in love with someone else. Save your money, go to individual councellung and figure out a way how to gracefully walk away.
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