A
female
age
18-21,
anonymous
writes:I had a baby two years ago, my senior year in High School. It was in the middle of the pandemic, so I was home schooled anyway (because of the pandemic) and my parents were really pressuring me to keep the baby. The father was in my class, but he wanted nothing to do with the baby himself and we agreed on placing the baby for adoption. Since I was 18, it was totally my choice but no one was very supportive. Even though we went through all the right channels, no one wanted to help us (in our families I mean) because they wanted me to keep the baby. I really don't want to be a parent, I want to move on with my life. Anyway, it wasn't easy because strangers in stores would get all excited and ask questions and I'd say I was placing the baby for adoption and they'd tell me I didn't have to do that, all these resources blah blah or else I'd get the cold shoulder and be told outright I was selfish. I even had an adopted friend stop speaking to me because she said it was a selfish thing to do because I'm not a drug addict and there's too much help out there. Even in the hospital, nurses were trying to get me to breastfeed and telling me that I really didn't have to do it, the social worker kept asking if I was sure and whether or not someone was trying to talk me into adoption. No one really seemed OK with it but they let me but I kept getting told I could change my mind and all that. It was really upsetting. I also had really bad depression afterward and no one was very supportive or sympathetic. What also happened was I met the adoptive parents a few times and my grandmother took it upon herself to exchange contact information with them. I'm just trying to move on but no one will let me! Grandma has been in contact with them and keeps showing me pictures and asking if I'd like to write her (the baby) letters to let her know that I still think about her every day. I really can't not because everyone keeps reminding me! I really just want to move on, but my family has scared away new friends and potential boyfriends and even co workers because they feel it's their place to tell about how I gave my baby away How do I stop people from opening their mouths about things that aren't their business? I've told them again and again.
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (24 June 2023):
 Some people don't understand and some don't WANT to understand.
The thing is YOU and your BF made the choice you both felt was right for you two, you were young and didn't want to be parents. Giving your child up for adoption is not a bad thing, it's definitely better than keeping the baby (that you didn't want) and being miserable.
You were 17/18 when you had your baby, so not really an adult. I know "actual" adults who should NEVER have kept their kids. Some teens can handle being a parent, others can't. You were overwhelmed. You made a choice and you want to stick to it.
You did the right thing, you GAVE life to this kiddo and then you GAVE her the chance for a family who REALLY REALLY wanted her. That is love.
I think you need to sit your parent and grandparents down and tell them this needs to stop. That you didn't feel ready for a child then, nor now.
And you might also consider moving away, getting some distance from that place and your family.
There is nothing WRONG with you for giving up your child for adoption.
With ALL that said, I also understand your family. They feel a loss of a new little one in the family. Just remember they love you, and worry about you. They are grieving too but in an unhealthy manner though.
IS there a way for you to get a job in a different town or go away for college/uni?
If so, I'd go for it.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 June 2023): My city has a little over 10,000 people in it. It's mostly rural on the Indiana border. Closest big city is 1.5 hours away. We have one high school and a bunch of churches and bars. Our Walmart is only 10 years old. It's hard to move out because while I have a license, I don't have a car. I'm a cook at a nursing home and don't make much money. I have an associate degree in hospitality but apparently my college isn't accredited. I don't know where to begin. I am told that they would have kept the baby for two or four years and let me do all the work so she wouldn't know the difference then I could take her back. They didn't want to adopt her. They think I'm shirking responsibility.
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A
female
reader, TryingToBeFree2023 +, writes (23 June 2023):
 I want to assure you, if no one else does, that you made the right decision FOR YOU. What's also great is that the baby's father is on board with you as well. If he'd said "no" to adoption and were found unfit, then you would have been forced to raise a child you didn't want! As for your family, I think they're assuming that you want to completely forget that you had a child altogether and that IS impossible. I don't know what state you live in, or what adoption laws are, but I think sealed adoption records are a thing of the past. Your family, especially your grandma, wants the baby to know who you are and where you are. She wants you to be accessible when she reaches 18 and MAY want to reach out to you. Your daughter wants to be assured that you didn't just give birth to her and walk away. As for telling new friends and potential boyfriends, that's not their place. They do it because from what I'm seeing in your letter, you seem almost too detached. You don't have to raise her, but you can't just forget her either.
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A
female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (23 June 2023):
 I am sad for you and sorry that you don't have more understanding people surrounding you. I got pregnant at 19 and was absolutely terrified. You were even younger than I was, a baby having a baby. You must have been so terribly confused and scared!
I do understand that your family wanted you to keep the baby, after all it was their grandchild. The thing that confuses me is did they offer to help you? The baby? Did they truly try to let you know that they would be there for you?
The difference between you and I was that my parents were so very excited (first grandchild) and me giving the baby away or having an abortion was out of the question. The father's baby wanted the baby and asked me to marry him. It WASN'T what I wanted at all but I felt pushed along and before I really knew what was happening, I was married. I knew somehow that it wasn't going to work out...and it didn't. 2 years later, after being physically and emotionally abused, we got divorced.
BUT...my parents and my grandmother were there for me the whole time. I never felt alone. My daughter is now 40 and a doctor. Getting married was a huge mistake, but having her was not.
You took a different path, perhaps you felt like me that you just weren't ready to have a child. You had every right to feel that way. I get it. If your parents felt that strongly about keeping the baby then why didn't they adopt it themselves? Or were you totally against that?
My parents would have adopted my daughter, I'm sure of it. Point is, you gave the baby up wanting it to have a happy life. People need to let it go, they have no right to judge you! NONE!!
Your parents talk about it because I think they are hurt that the baby is no longer in the family and somehow by talking about it, it makes them feel better? Almost as if they are saying "we blame her..it wasn't us". If I am wrong, I apologize. I get it...they want to be grandparents!
Sadly it seems like many things were handled wrong. You should have had someone caring and kind to talk to, counselors to guide you. It seems as though you are still suffering the loss and feeling depressed. You poor young girl. I wish I could hug you and make you feel better. You did what you felt was right for you and the baby.....you know that and feel it in your heart.
It seems you live in a town too small and narrow minded and that is tragic. In time, people will put what happened to you in the back of their minds, but that doesn't help you now. Its awful that you have to live that way and hear people and be judged.
Is it possible that you could leave and go somewhere else where people don't know? I don't see any other way with everyone behaving the way that they are.
I do want to say that I am sure that your grandmother means well. She doesn't want to lose touch with the baby...I get it..I truly do. I know you just see her as interferring but please believe me, sometimes older people do know better they have been around and experienced things. Please don't be too harsh on her. In her own way, she is trying to help, not hurt you.
Do you have any relatives that live farther away that you could reach out to? You need a fresh start sweetie..and I don't think you are going to get it in that place.
If you want to chat, please send me a private message. Bless you sweetie...I can only imagine how much this all hurts you.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (23 June 2023):
 Oh my Lord, this hurts my heart so badly.
First, I want to commend you for doing a really brave thing. And I'm so sorry that people have shamed you - ESPECIALLY in this political climate. You did everything right that you could, and you made a really brave decision. I wouldn't have blamed you if you had chosen a different route. And it is just so, so rotten that this is the fall out that you've received.
I'm actually a little stuck on what advice to give you. If you have the means, I think moving would be a good plan. But, that really sucks - having to upend YOUR life, just because of other people being rude, nosy, and completely disrespectful. I hope that others jump on this question to advise you about this, because this is really just awful for you. You don't deserve it, and I'm so, so sorry.
As for the baby's Grandmother - that I can at least empathize with. I think she's trying to be helpful to the child as they grow, and likely think that she's being helpful to you. I think that part of the problem takes an honest conversation or letter.
"I am so happy that you all are a family now. I hope that you'll understand that it is extremely difficult for me to get these pictures and stay in contact with you, so I will have to ask you to respect my need for privacy as I find my own path. I am grateful that the baby has so much love in their life, and I hope that you all have a wonderful future together."
Your whole town needs a reset. I can not believe the audacity of the people around you. And I'm deeply sorry about your parents, who should be offering you nothing but support, love and commendations for your bravery and through your depression. They are showing their flaws.
I wish I could give ya a hug. I'm just really sorry that you're going through this.
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