A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:I feel as though my "Don" husband hates being a father and regrets it. Our son "Johnny" is 4. We are both early 30s. Don makes snide jokes all the time about his intelligence, his abilities, etc. He doesn't really enjoy spending time with him and sometimes calls it boring. I think my son understands more than my husband thinks and because of this, tends to be defiant or dismissive of him. There are moments where Don can be genuinely loving though. This blew up recently. Don was giving Johnny a bath and told Johnny to wash himself. Johnny refused and said he didn't know how. Don blew up and said "I showed you already!" I should mention that I have ADHD and my son is on the spectrum but it's considered "mild." I approached Don and said that maybe we could try another way of teaching him how to soap/wash himself independently and he might still need some help. Don snapped: "you're always saying he's so smart so he's either smart or he isn't." I said that had nothing to do with it and he's still learning a lot. Don said: "Yeah, learning that all he had to do is whine to his mom." Sarcastically I said, "Wow, really?" And he shouted: "WHAT?!" I calmly told him not to shout at me. He shouted that he wasn't shouting and then, I told him to take a minute to himself and we could talk again later. He shouted that I wasn't making eye contact or saying anything significant and he was tired of my "catch phrases." So, I do have a problem with eye contact. It's something I've told him before. Especially when voices are raised. I shouldn't have been sarcastic, I know. But, I felt so frustrated. Like why are you always picking on our son?? I've been sleeping on the couch the past nights and communication has been limited to things involving scheduling and Johnny. He's said before that being a mother changed me and there's rarely any fun. We kind of have a dead bedroom. The more he bags me for it, the less I want it. The snide jokes turn me off. I don't want another pregnancy. And between school and work, and other things, I feel burnt. Are we deluding ourselves here? Is this relationship over? Reply to this Question
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (27 June 2023):
 I don't know if your marriage is over but its sure floundering and needs help. Your husband honestly sounds like a jerk. His behavior is definitely noticed by your son even at his young age. Family counselling? Your husband's attitude is awful and I don't blame you for not wanting to be with him. I wouldn't tolerate his behavior if that was my husband. What is going to happen as your son gets older? Your husband does sound like he doesn't want to settle down and be a family man. I'd start doing some serious talking and quietly be making an escape plan.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (26 June 2023):
 "Is this relationship over?"
Yes, If you want your son to grow up not being bullied by his own father.
If he calls his son dumb when he can hear it and the interactions between them are often negative, it DOES affect him, plus he will SEE how "Don" treats you and mimic that - because "Don" is his MALE role model.
As for having to show a 4-year-old to do something more than once it isn't abnormal, it is often done to GET interactions with whomever they are with, not because they are dumb.
He dismissed you and what you say. He doesn't WANT to spend time with his son - what is the point?
Maybe you need to move out/kick him out to make him wake up.
He sounds resentful.
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