A
female
age
26-29,
*isGirl0516
writes:I have been with my SO for 11 years. We have two beautiful girls together. My problem is that he is not romantic. He doesn't put in effort into our relationship. There is never a night where he plans something, I have to plan any and everything we do because he just wont step it up. Flowers I rarely get unless its a special occasion. Compliments are almost non existent. I have spoken to him about this many times, he promises to fix it only to do it again months down the line. Its to the point where its tiring now. For example, my birthday, mothers day if it wasnt for my family I wouldnt even be celebrated to be honest. and I am not saying its material wise but I put in effort into his days. Not only that but on a day to day basis, I do small things for him. Get him breakfast, charge his electronics for him for his day things like that. And I dont get the same treatment in return.I told him all I want is to get what I put into the relationship back. Its not fair, it doesnt feel 50/50 at all. And he told me I was putting conditions on his love...that doesnt even make sense to me. I am not asking for much, I want effort. I want him to go out of his way to do things for me. Am I asking for too much? Like is that not a thing? to get the same things I do in return...
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female
reader, mystiquek +, writes (22 June 2023):
 Most people don't like to change. We all have a certain way that we are and what we like to do and don't do. Changing means putting in effort and hard work and really trying...most people are happy enough the way that they are and thats it. Expecting someone to change is rather futile honestly. People have to WANT to change. You can talk and talk and ask until you are blue in the face but unless your guy truly wants to change...he won't. Ask yourself if you can put up with the way he is for the rest of your lives? Does he do other things that make up for him not being romantic? There are some truly very caring and romantic men out there...but I don't think the majority of men are. Only you can decide if he's worth keeping or not.
A
female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (21 June 2023):
 Relationships aren't 50/50 ever.
Some days one person is 10 or 20% and then the other (IF they are a good partner) pulls the rest of the load. However, that is not realistic if only ONE person is the one ALWAYS pulling the majority of the load. But it IS common that one person pulls more or a "different" load. Some are OK with it, some are not.
The reality is, YOU have been with him for 11 years. You (I presume) KNEW he wasn't romantic BEFORE you had kids with him. People don't just start being romantic and affirming. Some can LEARN that this is something their partner wants/needs..... others, not so much.
I think your SO is "in the other group". And you will only disappoint yourself by presuming he WANTS to change.
You do little things for him, to make his day easier and because you care. It's part of HOW you show love.
To me, it sounds "nice" but also like you are acting like his mother. He is a grown-ass man who CAN change his own electronics and if he can't show an ounce of gratitude and just takes it for granted that YOU do all these little things... I would stop doing them. See if he even notices.
Think about it and consider HOW does HE show love? Does he show love and care?
"I told him all I want is to get what I put into the relationship back. Its not fair, it doesnt feel 50/50 at all. And he told me I was putting conditions on his love...that doesnt even make sense to me."
He IS right, though.
YOU are. You are telling him that the guy YOU chose as a partner HAS to change to suit you. He has to do XYZ - like make a fuzz on Mother's Day etc. Something he probably never did for you OR his own mother.
You want 50/50 on YOUR terms.
I'm not saying you are being unreasonable, mind you. Showing that you are grateful for what your partner does FOR you and your kids is pretty normal, DICTATING how he should do it... can seem a bit controlling.
I know a lady who CAN NOT stand to get flowers. Do you know why? Her husband would give her flowers when he had cheated, and when he "by accident" hit her. That is what flowers meant to her.
I like getting flowers occasionally, though I rather get a plant, something that lasts. Cut flowers are 5 days of pretty flowers and they cost (generally) $30-50 for a nice big bouquet. I find that wasteful. Maybe because I'M not a very romantic person either, I'm practical.
My husband is NOT romantic either. But he does do little things for me. Does he go out of his way to do them? Nah, not really, but he does them with ME in mind. Like going to Home Depot (home improvement store) for some screws and coming home with a tray of hostas because he remembered I had talked about wanting to add a border of hostas. They were on sale and he remembered. For me, that is WAY more "romantic" than buying me some cut flowers that don't even smell good. But everyone is different.
"I am not asking for much, I want effort. I want him to go out of his way to do things for me. "
You two need to sit down and do the "love language" quiz. - google it.
Let his SEE what it is you NEED to feel loved, and maybe YOU can learn what HE needs too. Maybe he doesn't NEED you to mother him by charging his tech, maybe there are other things HE would prefer.
However, it might not change. THIS is who he is. THIS is the level of effort HE CHOOSES to put into your relationship.
Maybe (IF) he works long hours to provide he IS showing LOVE by doing that.
I think you are being unrealistic in thinking he will change into the man "YOU" want him to be after 11 years of being him.
Maybe pull back on all these little "favors". I think his feelings are valid too. For him, YOUR little favors are transactional. YOU want tit for tat.
"For example, my birthday, mothers day if it wasnt for my family I wouldnt even be celebrated to be honest. and I am not saying its material wise but I put in effort into his days."
You put an effort into his days FOR you. He might not give a darn! about his birthday or Father's Day!
You would think though, that WHEN you show him HOW a birthday CAN be that he would rise to the occasion and show you the same kind of love back. Except, he doesn't. Maybe because he doesn't care OR because he doesn't connect the celebrating with showing love and care.
Your SO is a DENSE dude, OP Not sure there is any chance he will change.
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