A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:Help! My husband and I have separated after 10 years of marriage due to the way he treated/rejected my adult child. We are working on our relationship, however, I have just been made aware that no one in my family likes him at all and has only tolerated him because of me. My adult children (from a former marriage) now tell me they won't come over or to events my husband attends. My parents say he is not longer welcome at their home because his treatment of my child was a "deal breaker". My husband tends to think he's better than everyone, is OCD and no one feels comfortable in our home because he watches them like a hawk, and is very controlling and manipulative of me. Should we reconcile, I'm not looking forward to divided holidays, family functions etc. Any suggestions? Thanks! Reply to this Question
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female
reader, maya85  +, writes (26 August 2010):
Do yourself and your kid(s) a favor and stay well away from him, He's making sure he has full control of you and he's slowly but surely taking all of your support network away from you!!! Seriously, this is how it starts they take away everyone and everything and so you end up with no one and no where to turn, stuck with what will be if it isn't already an extremely violent destructive relationship.
You'll end up with no friends either trust me they are not allowed with men like this, he'll eventually take away any little bit of self esteem or confidence you have. It only gets worse from there, My dad is like it and every relationship I've has has been the same.
If you're not 100 percent convinced by this watch the films sleeping with the enemy and a Jennifer Lopez one called Enough. Sound silly but it's the only way I can give you a visual idea of what's to come, Difference is the films always end on a positive, real life rarely does.
Take care, be safe. xxxx
A
male
reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (26 August 2010):
 I've been in the situation your husband is in. It may be OCD or its likely he didn't feel welcome, only tolerated.
Adult children have a way of taking out their frustrations and anger on someone who's new to their parent, and being over protective.
When a person senses negative vibes from their spouse's family, they are going to be extraordinarily vigilant and defensive. They feel they have to be absolutely perfect so that if they aren't, they can internally blame the children, the in-laws etc.
One way to break this trend is to try and talk to your kids first. They're adults and if this man makes it so you can be happy otherwise, that is you've married him because he's who you want to spend the rest of your life with, then don't make the regrettable mistake of not standing up for him too.
I know that children come first, but its a sliding scale. When they're adults, they have to realize that YOU have a life and a heart too. And that you're entitled to have a love life outside of the ordinary familial relationships.
If they "tolerated" your husband, all they did was make him feel like an outsider that they "had" to accept because of you.
Instead, they should've wanted him to be in your life if he made you happy or filled that spot in your heart that only he can fill.
Its as simple as that.
Likewise, he has to accept your kids for who they are and give them a chance even if, in his mind, they don't deserve one, two or many. If he loves you honestly he should just let them take their best shot until they prove themselves the bigger ass than he has become.
Bad vibes beget bad vibes. So the more negative treatment he gets, the more defensive and assinine he will get.
You could try and do family therapy. I am guessing that there's some resentment going back aways. Maybe something in his past, your past, a prior divorce they thought was unjust. Whatever it is, the real problems and issues are just below the surface. Once you root them out, air them out and then settle them, maybe they can come to a truce.
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (25 August 2010):
If he treated your child badly, you shouldn't reconcile. If you do, then to everyone, including your own children, he's better than them all. Your parents are right in saying that the treatment was a deal breaker. It should be. If you reconcile, they will see you are effectively saying that his feelings are more important than your child's. Basically, you're going to have you choose between the husband who has treated your child badly, seems to have narcissistic tendencies and has major OCD, or your family. I don't see how you can have them both, because your husband has, in the treatment of you and your children, shown he only cares for himself, while your family have made it clear he's not welcome and they want nothing to do with him. Remember, another man will come along. Another family will not. If you choose your husband, be prepared that you will lose your family to a certain extent. If you choose them, be prepared to lose your husband (though that seems like a very small price to pay give his behaviour).
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A
male
reader, escribanus  +, writes (25 August 2010):
 No, you should take this chance to be free and happy. When you love a woman, you take her and all of her world with you. A mother wont abandom her child in order to be with some guy.
Family always goes first.
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A
female
reader, mizz.butterflies +, writes (25 August 2010):
 how did he treat ur child?
and whats important to u? the way u see him or ur family sees ya or the holidays and the family functions?
get your priorities straight.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (25 August 2010): well.. let me just say this seems like a hard situation for you.. 10 years.. that is so long.. ive been with this guy for almost 2 years and life without him sucks.. i am so sorry.. but as for advice.. a long time ago my father passed away and my mother was a single mom wit htwo daughters.. she started dating and got caugth up with the wrong man who did bad things to me and my sister.. i told her and she chose him over us.. please please dont be that mother.. although our situations are different because your ex husband didnt hurt your children.. if your ex loved you he would be a man and respect your children.. and yeaa i totally agree with you.. it wont be fun on holidays when its just you and your controlling ex husband.. as your significant other he can express his opinion as to SOME choices ion your life but if people think he is CONTROLLING your life there is an issue.. forgive me if i seem rude or come off rude or disrespectful im just blunt... hope i helped.. good luck!!!
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A
female
reader, answerfromtheheart +, writes (25 August 2010):
 As a mother, how does it make you feel about how your husband treats/rejects your child? Doesn't your heart break to see that? Shouldn't the welfare and happiness of your child be on the first priority before your own?
I'm not even talking about the fact that this man does not treat you well, I just feel bad for your child.
It is my belief that when a woman with a child is looking for a new partner, her job is twice more complicated because she has to find a man who will love her child 1st and then love her. Because that way your child will not be lacking the love of the second parent.
I personally would not be able to be in a relationship, nor would I want to continue a relationship where being with this man would mean I have to separate myself from family and my child. No man is worth this. Family comes first.
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