A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Im not attracted to my wife. i know it sounds shallow and i feel guilty as hell about it, but no matter how hard i try to look at her with the same affection i used to have for her, i just dont have it anymore. i dont like kissing her and i dont like it when she touches me. i feel like an absolute jerk because i feel this way. she gained alot of weight during our sons birth (hes 2 now) and now shes lost alot of that, but still nothing. i always try to look good for her, ive taken good care of myself so that she'll be attracted to me, but it hasnt been mutual. she looks great when she goes to work, but never for me. at night she cant figure why im not in the mood, while shes wearing old lady nightgowns and her hair is all greasy and unkempt. i just feel like the person i married is not there anymore. and we're both relativly young, im 30 shes 27, so i know its just not something that comes with age. what the hell is she going to look like when we are 50? i hold alot of resentment towards her and i look at friends with much more attractive wives with jealousy. and my wife is a great person, and a wonderful mother, but i cant get past this, and ive tried!im only looking for advice on what to do, not to be made to feel guilty, i feel that enough on my own.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): "I don't want to leave even now. i am thankful for her...i'm just not attracted to her and i want to be again. thats the problem. im not a shallow person. i have plenty of faults. im not saying shes a bad person...its that i want those feelings back.. i love her. i would do anything for her. thats why im here and not with someone else."
I'm glad you love your wife. However, with that love comes sacrifices. it may be that you just have to sacrifice ever having a sexual relationship with her again because you cannot change another person. Repeat: you can't change someone else. If you keep trying you will destroy whatever relationship you have because it's saying you do not accept them as they are, this is not being loving. They have to want to change themselves.
all you can do is give your wife honest and open information which is that you don't find her attractive any more, you have temptations, but you want to be attracted to her again. All you can do is give her this information about how you feel about her, then it's up to her to decide if she is willing to change and how. It's not up to you to dictate to her how she "should" be to make you attracted.
if you're afraid that being this blunt with her will hurt her feelings, well that's the least of your problems. The alternative is continuing on as you are, holding secrets to yourself while suffering immense frustration and harboring resentment towards her. Resentment over time will eat away at the relationship.
It's better to be blunt and honest and risk the relationship ending, than to hold onto toxic secrets and slowly erode the relationship over a much longer time period. At least by being honest and blunt there is a chance that things may take a turn for the better. By holding onto secrets, there's no chance for any improvement the only way to go is further down.
another option is that if you love your wife enough to want to stay with her no matter what, then you have to be prepared to accept that it may boil down to you never having a sexual relationship with her again. Do you love her enough to do that? (not saying there is a right or wrong answer, it's different for different people but you need to figure out what is the Truth for you).
the worst thing is to stay married to her because of what you're still getting from the relationship (like non-sexual love, and security, and domestic help), but end up cheating on her further down the road because she doesn't change and never becomes more attractive to you, and you can't hold back your urges. Another scenario is you stay married, she never changes, and you grow more and more resentful until now you love her less and less and hurt her that way. It's far better and more healthy and ethical to divorce and end the marriage before these things happen if you can see you're headed down that road anyway.
so take a hard look at what your terms and conditions are and be brutally honest at what you can and can't live with, and remember that you can't change someone else all you can do is tell them how you're feeling and leave it up to them to change if they want, or not. And if not then you must have a back up plan for yourself so you don't fall into temptation and do something really bad or unethical out of desperation.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (1 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP againIn one post i think the poster missed the point. i dont know where it's coming from. It wasn't until i started losing attraction, did the looking at other wives come into play. You're arguing semantics with your examples... those things aren't happening, and are at the most extremes. no one knows how you would feel in those situations until you are in them. and i would say no, those would not become a cause for leaving. I don't want to leave even now. i am thankful for her...i'm just not attracted to her and i want to be again. thats the problem. im not a shallow person. i have plenty of faults. im not saying shes a bad person...its that i want those feelings back.. i love her. i would do anything for her. thats why im here and not with someone else.
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A
female
reader, lorinda +, writes (31 May 2011):
Let me ask you this: Do you know of anything that she can do to make you attracted to her again? What would it take? Change her hair? Lose more weight? Act more naughty? Or would she need to Be someone else all together? If you really still loved this woman ...she would be beautiful in your eyes...and you wouldn't feel that way about other people's wives...even if they were pretty as miss America...you would feel lucky to have your wonderful woman...I believe you have to be attractive to each other -yes - but beauty really is only skin deep. The other guys- who might have a skinny model, Trust me, they have their own private issues! The grass always is going to look greener on the other side if that is the kind of man you are. You might start not feeling guilty by being thankful for what you already do have. There but by the grace of God go I, for in a moment ...everything can change. If you can't be thankful for what you have, then be thankful for what you may have escaped. You could have cancer...or be hit by a car and left in a wheelchair the rest of your life. These are very real realities for some people.. Would you just leave your women dying alone with cancer? would she leave you in the wheelchair alone? These are situations when you find out what love is all about. Those other guys ...they were the ones missing the boat - not you. those other guys don't understand or know how good you had it. Perhaps you need to check yourself?
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Look, I'd like to start out by saying that she isn't this horrible person because she ended up letting herself go a bit. It's hard when you live with someone, and especially when you have children together, to look good and be made up 24/7. With that being said, you aren't a horrible person either for the way you feel. When you are in a love relationship with someone and you aren't attracted to them... things can get hard.
I think the whole idea of going out on dates every now and then is great. You did say she looks good when she goes to work, so I'm assuming you will think she looks hot on a date too. This could also get the sexual tension up a bit too. Also make sure to compliment her when she looks good. She might decide she wants to dress up more often because it makes her feel good that you enjoy it.
But with regards to your last post: please, never ever ever take the flirting to the next level. You will end up devastating your wife. If your relationship is to the point where you are really considering cheating and none of my suggestions work, consider a counselor. Finally, if nothing else works just break things off. Cheating will not solve anything. It will just make things 100x worse.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Yeah, it's not shallow, attraction is really important in a relationship, I didnt get with my guy just for his 'personality,' and I would struggle committing myself lifelong to someone I did not fancy.
I think you need to tell her, be honest, but do try to be gentle about it. She will get defensive and angry too most probably but you need to explain to her that she needs to take more care of her appearance. She needs to become a lover again. Explain to her that you are sorry for feeling this way and that you feel guilty, that might help in it being a little less painful for her to swallow.
Remember too that she may be tired alot or depressed and she probably just preseumes that her appearance does not bother you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionOP here...I married her for both actually. She has a great personality, even though we dont have much in common, we've always enjoyed each others company. I just can't stand the thought of being intimate with her. When we are, and for her sake I try and enjoy it, i often spend the time either wishing i were doing something (or somoeone) else. I hate myself for that. And everything bothers me, i find myself going thru all her flaws, and have to stop myself and start listing the things i love about her. Makes me feel horrible, but truth is truth.Maybe if it wasn't for the fact that I get hit on alot, even though I don't fancy myself as that great looking, theres a lot of very pretty women who do. This bothers me too...I want to look @ my wife like i do these women. To see her as hot again. I enjoy sex like any other red blooded american man, and the temptations are starting to get harder to walk away from.
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (30 May 2011):
your problem is easy my friend and it is written within your lines
she looks good when going ot work but very dull and boring at home
so tell her straight what you want her to look like,
take a one week leave and go from your house
so when you come her new look well get you in the mood again
Good Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): You are NOT shallow at all, don't let anyone make you feel guilty. Marriage is not to be just a friendship. You can be friends with anybody. You can be co-workers (to help raise children and do house chores) with any body. marriage is supposed to be a relationship where you can enjoy sex. A lot of things go into the ability to enjoy that, and physical attraction (or rather, lack of revulsion) is one of them.No matter how good someone's personality is, does not overcome a glaring physically repulsive aspect of them. You can and will still love this person for their personality, but you will no longer be physuically attracted to them.But because marriage is supposed to be a relationship you expect to enjoy sex, no longer being physically attracted to your spouse (as opposed to, say, any other female friend) makes you resentful as is natural.you need to talk to your wife and be honest with her about this. She needs to take responsibility for maintaining her marriage as well, it's not all on your shoudlers to be OK with everything because while you can still love who she is as a person, you can't will yourself to be physically attracted to a body that you find repulsive. If both you and her are OK with the marriage no longer having a sexual component then you will be fine. But if you are not OK with your marriage becoming a non-sexual relationship, then you must address this issue with her directly no matter how hurtful it may be. Just keeping the problem to yourself won't do any good just make it fester more.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011):
Did you marry her for her appearance or for the person she was? The answer to that question holds the answer to your dilemma.
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (30 May 2011):
 Unfortunately in some marriages, people let themselves go and stop trying to be attractive for their partners. Although this is a selfish thing to do, many do not even realize they do it. I would mention this to her but in a nice way. Maybe start with a date like caringguy suggested. See if she dresses up for it. If she does, make positive comments about her looks. Say something like, "wow, you look great. I like it when you dress up sometimes". If she doesn't dress up, maybe just ask her why she hasn't worn her lingerie in a while. Tell her you were thinking about how hot she always looked in it and now you want to see her in it. I'm a very blunt and to the point woman and I expect my man to be the same way with me when there are problems, so my suggestions may be bias. I hope it still helps.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (30 May 2011): Okay, so just a few ideas... They may not work for you, but then again, might be worth a shot if you care deeply for your wife and want that attraction back. One thing you might want to do is to find an activity that you both enjoyed "pre-kids" and spend some time doing things as partners, not just parents. Sometimes re-building the emotional attraction will spur the phsyical attraction.As for the comfy nighgowns, surprise her with something more "age-appropriate", not necessarily Victoria's Secret or risque lingerie, but something cute and fun that you would like to see her in. You can always check her clothing labels for sizes if you aren't sure.Lastly, stop putting so much pressure on yourself. These are normal feelings. But, as a woman, I know if my man makes me feel pretty and wanted, I do more to promote that. I.E.- hair, makeup, etc. Best of luck to you!
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A
male
reader, CaringGuy +, writes (30 May 2011):
Why don't you try asking her out for a date or something? Just seems to me that you two may have got bogged down in work/childcare and haven't spend much time together as a couple. You know you love her, you know she's a great wife and mother - so show her this stuff, take her out, give her and you both excuses to go and have some fun together.
And also - please remember she's still a young mother and probably spends most of her time knackered. So try spoiling her too.
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