A
male
age
36-40,
*sf259
writes:I feel like a right mug for feeling this way about someone...almost like an infatuated teenager who is inferring way too much for their own good. I was hoping for a sympathetic ear to give a bit of advice on what the decent thing to do is in this situation, for the sake of my own sanity.Since my divorce three years ago, I haven't really put myself out there in the dating game. Mind you, I haven't been a total hermit...been on a few dates only to find the woman isn't really my type and left things at that. To be honest, I've never really had good game...it's a miracle I managed to fall for someone and have the feelings reciprocated enough to get married! Alas, in my younger years I was always friendzoned. My girlpals keep telling me how I'm 'the nicest guy they've ever met' and other phrases to that effect which makes me cringe to high heaven. Don't get me wrong, I'm not a doormat and don't do those stereotypical floppy things which kills any attraction. I can't work out why I have this reputation; I stand up for myself and don't let anyone take advantage of me...no matter how much I like them. I like to think I have principles and self-respect!Anyway, a few months ago a new girl started at the place I work part-time and during holidays (i'm a late bloomer at uni). Cue the same old story I'm sure you have heard of many times...talk, get along, laugh, tease, flirt, texts etc. I always thought she was much younger, so I left it as a no-go area and just assumed she has a pleasant demeanour so will talk and banter with anybody.This leads to an opportunity last week at a work night out. I decided to give her a lift there so I could spend some time getting to know her and assumed I'd find out something about her that would make me think she's not my type and I'd stop crushing on her so badly (as is what usually happens with me).Unfortunately, that didn't happen and I started liking her even more and found out she's actually closer to my age. Lots of dances and flirting etc, but I was acutely aware the rest of my colleagues were there and I was the designated sober person to make sure they all got home okay (I'm teetotal, so that role usually falls on me). When dropping her off we chatted for hours...family, work, random teasing. I was just too self-conscious to close on a kiss (in hindsight, I probably am a patsy).Fast forward a couple of days and I find out from a colleague that she has actually mentioned a man in her life. At first I thought, great...now I can stop thinking about her and in no way am I doing anything to another man's woman. Heck, that was part of the reason I got divorced, so having been on the receiving end, I'm not putting some other guy through that.But then I start questioning myself about why there's no trace of this guy on her social networking profiles, or how come she didn't mention him in all we talked about etc etc. Most likely another case of a girl appreciating some attention when they're embroiled in some sort of long distance thing.So in essence, I need someone unbiased to reinforce the fact that this is a no-go area so I can stop wasting time being so distracted. I would so love for there to be some potential...but I know there isn't...I just need to be convinced of it. And avoid her at work for a while.
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at work, crush, divorce, flirt, long distance, teasing, text Reply to this Question
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male
reader, asf259 +, writes (4 September 2013):
asf259 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, k_c100...I didn't think about it that way. It is an Asian culture and even though I hail from a similar background, hers is still fairly different (too much diversity in that part of the world). I can't believe the whole arranged thing didn't occur to me; I guess I've spent too long living here by myself to forget about the traditional quirks! Thanks a lot for your thoughts...I can definitively put this silly infatuation to rest without any more 'what-ifs' or appearing silly.
A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (4 September 2013):
 You mention the 'cultural background' with her living with her family - then it would seem quite likely perhaps that she has a boyfriend back in the country where she came from. Is this an Asian culture by any chance? Again perhaps it could be an arranged marriage.
If you are not from the same culture as she is, and the other colleague you asked is relatively trustworthy (hearing it from 2 sources is fairly strong evidence that she does have a boyfriend) - then your chances with her are diminishing by the minute I'm afraid. If for example she is muslim and you are not, then her family would never accept you anyway, especially when she has a more suitable man ready and waiting for her in the country she is from.
Unless you are the same culture/religion as her then I'd back off at this point - sounds like she is unavailable and even if she were single you would not be suited to her unless you are the same religion - there are just going to be too many conflicts with her family to put yourselves through that.
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A
male
reader, asf259 +, writes (4 September 2013):
asf259 is verified as being by the original poster of the questioneyeswideopen: alas, I'm being too British and reserved about this. You're right...need to be more gutsy.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen  +, writes (4 September 2013):
 Take the bull by the horns, I realize the Britishness of this but just once trust a Yank and go for it. You'll find out quick fast and in a hurry whether she is interested.
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A
male
reader, asf259 +, writes (3 September 2013):
asf259 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWell, I did say 'if not sooner'...I'd rather ask face to face and that depends on the next time I see her.
What's stopped me doing what you said so far is not wanting to make things uncomfortable at work. Even if she's not always there, gossip spreads.
I feel you're making it sound creepier than it is. I'm not mimicking a bespectacled youth forming an intimate relationship with someone's profile. Just trying to find out if there's someone else, so I won't make a fool of myself by asking. I realise now the only way to do this is to bring it up and ask.
If you think the ship has sailed, then fair enough...I can stop being so distracted.
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A
male
reader, DKW +, writes (3 September 2013):
You're seriously going to wait until then to "pry"? Why don't you just suggest the two of you hang out sometime? No work, no friends, the two of you? What's stopped you doing this so far? Stop the elaborate plans, "game", all of that, just be normal and ask her out.
All of this creeping around researching, asking colleagues, I'll be totally honest with you mate, it's creepy.
I would take a guess here that you may already have been, as the "pick up artist" guys say, friendzoned. It's looking likely that your ship has already sailed.
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A
male
reader, asf259 +, writes (3 September 2013):
asf259 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks, k_c100 for your advice. Really appreciate you taking the time out to read my drivel! I did try asking indirectly and established she lives with her family (a bit strange for a 25 yr old, perhaps...but not given the cultural background) and the last time I asked about weekend plans it was being spent with her girlpals.I fully understand what you said about whether or not this colleague can be trusted...they may have their own agenda. Since then I asked another one who just left the department who corroborated the same info and added something about him being back in her country of origin. A little strange given she has been living here for nearly a decade.However, I totally agree with you, I should not rely on hearsay and try and find an opportune moment to indirectly pry myself some more. Given that I work part-time and it's shift work, I don't tend to see her that regularly...pot luck when our shifts coincide really.Then again, a group from work are going abroad for a little break next month...I'm joining them and she'll be there, so might find a chance then to pry, if not sooner.
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A
female
reader, k_c100 +, writes (3 September 2013):
It does seem odd that she has never mentioned a man in her life after you have spent a lot of time together - can this other colleague be trusted? I'm not sure who you should believe in this, so best thing to do is talk to the girl you like.
Dont ask direct 'have you got a boyfriend' but perhaps in conversation one day try and get to the bottom of it. Questions that should lead her to admit a boyfriend (if she has one) could be as follows:
1. Ask about her house/who she lives with. You could try a story of when you shared with housemates, or what work you are doing on your house now you have the place to yourself etc, and try and lead her to talk about her living arrangements. If she lives with a guy it will soon become pretty clear.
2. Weekend plans. This is an easy one - simply start a conversation about what you are both doing on the weekend. Even jokingly say 'no dates for Saturday night?' or something like that. If you have a boyfriend you tend to do stuff with them on the weekend so it should be revealed if she is taken or single.
I wouldnt say this is a no-go just yet, you just need to do more digging. Social media is not the way to go, you need to talk to her and try and find out who she spends her spare time with - if you ask what she is doing on an evening/weekend it should soon become clear.
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