A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Right before I graduated college a few months ago, I got the courage up to talk to a guy who I had liked for awhile. It turned out he had felt the same way but was too shy to speak up either. We didn't go on dates or anything but would hang out at the bar and talk for hours. I went to visit a friend of mine who lives near his hometown in early June. He and I met up and had a really fun night together and I felt like we had a great connection. We continued talking pretty much all day every day for the next few weeks until I went to spend July 4th weekend with him. The first night I was there he brought up this girl from his hometown who he practically grew up with. He said they were together for about a year but now he wanted nothing to do with her but felt awkward saying anything since their parents are good friends. It confused me because then he followed it up by saying how great of a girl she is, that she's going to make an amazing wife because she cooks really well, is great with kids, is fun to be around and on and on. He even told me that it's hot she speaks fluent Italian. I was baffled he was telling me all this! So I asked if he thought so positively about her why he would tell me he felt uncomfortable about the situation and they weren't together. He said they rarely talk at all, usually just once a week if that. Something about the way he was double talking made me not trust him and though I'm not proud of it at all, I went through his phone when he was asleep. He lied about not talking to her a lot.. he talked to her almost every day that whole week and called her baby in almost every text. I was really upset about it because he had clearly lied to me but at the same time, I couldn't admit I was sneaky and went through his phone. I pulled away dramatically and ended up leaving early that weekend because I was hurt. He didn't seem to notice my odd behavior and still texted me telling me he missed me. A few weeks later we had plans to go to the city but he cancelled last minute. Supposedly something had come up and he couldn't make it. I was on facebook about an hour after he cancelled and she posted a picture with a public setting of the 2 of them from her phone. He and I got into a huge argument and he swore they were just friends and the picture was from a few days ago. He called me several times to try to explain himself. Despite all of this, I still continued to talk to him. I don't know what it is about him but I genuinely enjoy hanging out with him and don't really want to lose what we have. This past weekend I spent 3 days with him at my old college (he's a year younger than me and still goes there). After we had been drinking, he was careless and was reading text messages. I saw that he is still calling her baby and saying things like she should come nap with him (even though she goes to school in another state). I was so hurt and we got into a pretty bad fight. He threw it in my face that we're not dating so I can't care. Even though I know I don't have the right of caring about what he does with other girls since we're not in a relationship, the fact that he's lied to me several times is killing me.He keeps telling me he cares about me a lot and didn't expect to care about a girl the way he "used" to care about her. I had to sleep at his place because I had no where else to go but got up and left early in the morning before he woke up. He sent me a text saying he was really upset I didn't wake him and he misses me already...I can't figure out if he does care about both of us and doesn't want to choose or what is going on. Every time we talk about it he assures me they haven't hooked up in months and it's completely done between them. I find that really hard to believe given all the other things he's lied about. I don't want to lose him but I don't know if I'm just being naive and feeding into a game he's playing with the both of us. I'm just really confused because technically he's not getting anything out of talking to me since I live 6 hours away and won't be seeing him on a regular basis. So if he doesn't care why would he put in so much effort? As someone who is casually dating and sleeping with him do I have the right to be upset that this is still going on and he's lying to me?
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female
reader, Honeypie +, writes (3 September 2013):
 He sees you as a FWB and her as GF material. The only thing I wonder is why SHE is accepting this, but who knows.
IF you want a relationship HE is not it for you.
And yes, you have the "right" to get upset but it's not like he really cares. ( or he wouldn't feed you all the BS).
FWB situations are not exclusive. IF he wants to see/sleep with others there isn't much you can do, same goes for you.
Seems to me, that you are not really interested in casual, you are "accepting" it because that is what HE wants and this way you get to have him around. Is he really worth all this?
A
female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (3 September 2013):
 No you don't. While it's not surprisisng that you got attached and became a bit territorial, it's just human nature , if you are willingly, participating in a casual , no title, " if it happens it happens " arrangement, he is absolutely correct, it's not skin off your nose whom he's talking to or sleeping with.
Of course nobody likes to be shamelessly lied to, so you are reasonably upset by his lies, but, come on, don't tell me you don't have a hunch of the reason why he lies ?... Simple : because he understood that you are hanging in there nail and teeth in the hope that the other girl may actually be only a good friend , and that there is really nothing going on beetween them. Veeeery improbable, but, if he had to tell you : OK , she is my first choice,the great girl, future wife material, that I am really into, while you are only the occasional " good times " girl for casual fun.... you'd feel ( hopefully ) a pang of hurt pride and you'd send him jump in the lake. If he keeps you sweet , he can have his cake and eat it too. Why choose if you are not obliged to and can have both girls.
As for all the effort - define effort. So far, it's limited to telling you some self serving lies and shooting some texts ( not a big effort for a generation that lives texting all day long ANYWAY ) and accepting you in his bed when YOU make the effort to go visit him. Didn't hear you telling us that he is commuting 6 hours every other weekend just to spend some time with you, or anything else that would sound like a REAL, meaningful effort. He just makes as much effort as it is functional to his scopes. Try asking him for something more, and you'll see him disappear- actually, don't try : he TOLD you, this is just casual, so don't get any ideas.
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A
female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (3 September 2013):
 So, you're "casually" sleeping together and dating...
It sounds like you want this to be a relationship, and he's pretty content having you on the side while he continues to pursue this girl.
The reality is that I don't think you're going to get what you want out of this guy. He's said to you straight out that he doesn't feel like he owes you anything because you're not dating. He doesn't feel loyal to you or obligated to you - you're just someone who he can have fun with when he wants to.
If you won't be seeing him on a regular basis, and you aren't in any sort of exclusive relationship, then I suppose that I can't fault him for talking to another girl. That's not to say I don't understand why you're pissed. But you're not his girlfriend. You're only someone he sleeps with and occasionally goes on dates with. I suspect that's all you'll ever be with this fella.
Sorry, sweet! Good luck!
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