A
male
age
26-29,
anonymous
writes:Hello i dont know what to do with this. i was on my phone yesterday and my brother had used it earlier and gone on his facebook when i got it back it was still logged in and i know that he can be very immature with his friends so i looked at his messages to see what things he talks about and there was a massive list of him prettymuch cyber stalking a girl from his school. through the messages i read he seems like a stalker and by what she replies with i can tell she doesnt like it he says things like "dont ignore me" constantly and "want to chat" or webcam.face time and "i love you" i can tell she does not like it but he has said things like "i will never stop" what do i do, foget i saw the messages? Also the only way i could keep track of what he does is if i dont sign out on my phone ?he also puts x and 3 when she doesnt. i dont understand this at all lol, this dates back to early june so far. im going to say june 5th. The worrying thing is i have found messages of him using near enough the same techniique with another girl on facebook. do i tell my mum. btw im a 16 year old guy he is a 12 year old boy and the girl is also 12 to 13.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2012): My sincere apologies!!! I was the poster who read over that you were the brother, and thought you were the sister. Again, sorry about that!
"Little bro, you left your FB open on my phone and I couldn't help but read all the stuff you are saying to that girl (and the same to another)...dude, that's not how you talk to a girl, you're going to far. You are probably making them uncomfortable and scaring them. If you want to get to know this latest girl or want to go out with her, or any girl for that matter, talk to her about something that went on at school that day, or what she was going to do on the weekend or you liked the shirt she was wearing yesterday, etc.
It doesn't have to be big and turned into a major event...he's 12, and 12 yo boys don't have any idea how to do this but he's also gotten from somewhere this approach to talking to girls so yes it needs to be addressed before it goes bad. girls at that age are as insecure as boys are and may not know exactly the right way to stop your brother from saying the things he's saying or don't have enough self esteem to realize it's not "normal".
Here's my thought... you talk to your dad (and/or Mom) about this and find a time when you are all sitting watching tv or eating dinner together and bring it up. You say what you need to say and then let your dad or parents take over. It shouldn't be confrontational or make him feel like he's in trouble at all...just guiding him away from how he's talking to these girls on line and a better way to do it.
It's great he's got a older brother who cares about him and noticed something was really off about what he was doing.
There isn't much you will be able to do about monitoring (that's your parents job to be on top of that and know what their kids are doing on line) and he is entitled to some privacy, but he is still a minor and if he's doing something questionable Mom and Dad have every right to step in, and should.
Best of luck with this! You are an awesome brother!
A
female
reader, muso888 +, writes (5 October 2012):
Definitely nip it in the bud by talking to him - make sure it sounds like you're on his side - 'I can see you're not getting anywhere with this! let me help you...' - and whilst it's not brilliant behaviour and shouldn't be left undiscussed he IS only 12. I'm not sure it's necessary to go to your parents unless you talk to him and he continues in this behaviour. Whilst it could turn into something nasty if ignored, there isn't a lot of talk at that age of what is acceptable and isn't and the likelyhood is that he just doesn't know how badly it can be seen from the other side. Easily sorted out! But yes, keep an eye on him after this as well.
Just also wanted to say well done for being an amazing big brother - if I was your mum or sister I'd be very proud of you! Good luck!
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 It's clear in your post that you are a guy so am not sure why there was confusion from some people. I think the best thing for you to do is to sit down with your brother and explain to him that you found his messages on your phone. Explain to him that he can make people scared and afraid of him by behaving like this. Also explain that it can get him in to a lot of trouble as well. See what he has to say about the situation and then tell him he needs to change his behaviour and apologise to the girl.
I honestly think you should give him the benefit of the doubt and not go straight to your parents. Talk to him and tell him you are going to keep an eye on the situation, tell him if he keeps continuing to behave like this then you have no choice but to tell your parents as you are worried about him. Let him know that you are there for him if he ever needs to talk to you or ask you anything about girls.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionModNote: posters profile is clearly a guy. A male age 16-17, anonymous writes:thankyou for all your support.and im not a girl im a 16 year old guy.Does anyone have any suggestions how i could talk to him or how to talk to my mum or dad about this?
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A
female
reader, Honeypie  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I'm with Ciar. I would talk to your parent and have THEM talk to him. This is NOT normal or APPROPRIATE behavior for a 12 year old.
I have a 12 year old girl and I would be mad if I found some 12 year old boy "talking" to her like that.
HE NEEDS to learn that this is NOT OK.
He can end up with a reputation as a super creepy buy with the girls, I'm pretty sure he doesn't want that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 October 2012): I would have a conversation with your brother and let your Mom know what's going on. It's not trying to get him in trouble, but he has a very skewed idea of how he should communicate with girls and how this kind of behavior can make a girl very uneasy and uncomfortable. He is young enough to not really get what he is doing but he is also old enough to understand and needs to change what he's doing.
I too am also surprised at some of these responses, from women no less. It doesn't seem like he's gone too far at this point, but maybe if someone can tell him to back off and "talk" a different way...he's going to be embarrassed, I'm sure, but that's only temporary.
I think coming from you, as a girl and how you would not want a guy reading as a stalker messaging you like that would go a lot further, then Mom coming down on him.
Is there a dad in the picture? If so, he would really be helpful in this situation, but if not, I think you the teenage sister will have more of an impact than Mom.
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A
female
reader, Anonymous 123  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 You should most definitely tell your mother about him. No matter what anyone says, this is not a "phase". For all you know the girl is scared of him and that's why she hasnt complained to her parents, I mean 12 year olds' are still kids, you cant expect rationality from them.
I remember this incident from many years ago, when this creep flashed me a couple of times. I was around 11-12 yrs old and I was PETRIFIED of him. I knew that whatever he was doing was wrong but yet for some reason I never dared to open my mouth because I was scared. However, if anything like this happens now, I'll skin the man alive and attract the attention of everyone around me to let people know what he's doing but that confidence and maturity comes with age.
I'm certainly not suggesting that your brother is as bad as the man I spoke about but what he is doing is also wrong. Cyber stalking is a form of harassment and it is a criminal offense in the UK. Your brother obviously does not understand the gravity of it and is doing it because he thinks its acceptable, for all you know he's seen it sometime in a movie or something and is emulating that. That being said, he should be told that its wrong and an adult should talk to him about it, preferably your mom. Please tell her about this at once. And please don't dismiss it as a "boys will be boys" kind of a thing, this is way more serious and could get out of hand as your brother grows up.
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A
female
reader, Ciar  +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I guess I'm the odd one out here, but I would not dismiss this as normal boyish behaviour. There is nothing normal about what he's doing.Frankly I'm a bit surprised at the answers you've received so far. Whenever a man mistreats a woman we're all over him. And here we see a young man starting down that path and instead of nipping it before it becomes too deeply ingrained or escalates into something worse, people are telling you to ignore it. Do people think bullies and stalkers all started out as polite, well behaved and well adjusted young men? If your brother were 22 instead of 12, this would be taken much more seriously. So why wait for it to get worse? Just because these girls have not gone to their parents does not mean they aren't in distress (maybe they aren't but we can't assume that). Many young people have come to us with difficult situations who haven't reached out to the adults around them.I would most definitely say something to your brother. Make it very clear to him that his conduct is outrageous, that you will be bringing this to your mother's attention and he won't be using your phone for the foreseeable future. He will take this more seriously coming from you than he has coming from the girls he's targeted. I don't mean to imply that your brother is on his way to Ted Bundyville. That's quite a stretch, but his treatment of young women must be addressed. Ignoring it does him no favours either. Even if it were simply a case of him not knowing how to approach girls, don't you think someone should teach him the right way? What girl is going to want to date a guy who has a reputation for being an aggressive nutcase? And what effect might the constant subsequent rejection have on him?
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (4 October 2012):
 I would not let him use my phone and I would mind my own business in this situation. Boys are more immature than girls at this age, so he is going to do things you consider to be odd. Let him find out from the girls themselves, or from their parents. At some point, he will come across someone who is not as nice and someone will bust him. These situations have a way of working themselves out...trust me.
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A
male
reader, no nonsense Aidan +, writes (3 October 2012):
He’s only 12. He’s a young kid full of hormones trying to figure out the opposite sex and how to deal with them. It’s doubtful that this is anything sinister. If you are at all concerned then you should speak to your parents, but first I’d suggest having a discrete chat with him. Explain what you saw and ask him to tell you why he sends those messages to the girls. The most likely answer will be that he fancies them, and just needs a bit of advice from an older male about how to be a bit more subtle with his feelings, and about knowing when to back off. Try to gently tell him how his messages might seem to these girls so that he can consider their point of view. He mightn’t realise that such messages could be making them feel overwhelmed or uncomfortable. If you do think it’s less innocent than this, speak to some-one, but the chances are it isn’t and a discrete chat with his big brother will do him a lot more good than the knowledge that you went through his messages and told your parents, which might prevent him from talking to you about his worries and anxieties in the future.
I wish you all the very best.
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A
female
reader, aunt honesty +, writes (3 October 2012):
My guess is that this is probably innocent enough to him, it is likely that he is just looking for attention from these girls. At the end of the day if this girl was really worried or really deep down wanted him to stop then she could always block him from facebook.
If you are really concerned I think you should talk to your little brother and explain to him that you saw the messages and that you are worried about him. Tell him he cannot keep harassing people by message if they do not want to talk to him.
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