A
male
age
41-50,
*betrayed
writes:When me and my wife first hooked up, she was 18 and had me thinking she had been with two guys before me. Then the first lie came to light when I had to take a DNA test for our first son, because on a trip back home she had sex with "a friend". So then the number went up to three before me. I didn't trip too much on that cause we had met, hooked up, but she went back home while I secured an apartment here and sent for her, so we really wasn't a couple when that happened. Fast forward five years, three kids, and married. And you wouldn't believe she had the nerve to tell me she had sex with over twenty guys from the age of 16 to 18. As you can imagine, I feel disgusted, and betrayed. She didn't give me a chance to decide if I still wanted to be with someone like that in the beginning when we talked about it, now I'm married with three kids already. I can't get this out of my head, as I now think of her as her old neighborhoods bicycle, everybody getting a turn. My image of her has totally changed, to the point of having sex with her disgusts me. Before this came out, we were planning on moving to the state she is originally from. Now I don't wanna go anywhere near there. I thought I had found the love of my life and something special. But how special can it be when 20 something other guys already had it. I need help and don't know what to do, I don't want our kids growing up without both parents in the home, but I don't trust her now and can't even think about being intimate with her. Is there any hope at all left for us?
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male
reader, steph2273 +, writes (1 February 2008):
Most women are gonna say us men have hangups. However we all know society dictates our perception of men and women which is why most women will not tell you the truth in the first place. I totally understand where your coming from because I am in a similar situation. "However" as everyone keeps telling me she is with you now and unless she is giving you some other reason to believe otherwise it will gradually pass. (Don't go back to the home town however. Believe me almost every man wants a Joan Clever, but there aren't too many out there. So your fantasy of her being Joan is gone as it has for my situation as well; u just gotta create a new image.............. And no not that one "lol"........ Your three kids and who she is today is enough motivation to get you through............ Just stay away from the home town.
A
male
reader, Collaroy  +, writes (30 January 2008):
 sorry, there is no hope for you dude - let her get on with her life if you are just going to screw it up anyway.
This site is full of guys who are obsessed with their partners past. It's really getting very boring.
I feel sorry for your partner, she has 3 children and that will make it harder for her to meet someone who doesnt have hangups over the past which cannot be changed.
But anything would be better than having to put up with what she's going through now.
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A
male
reader, Yos  +, writes (29 January 2008):
 "Sorry, the days of 'women-must-be-virgins-or-they're-whores/unclean' are over."
Unfortunately it's not a matter of those days being over. Nor can they ever be. Whilst it's obviously unrealistic for women to live up to this, men have these feelings hard-coded in them at a genetic level. This means, no matter how much rationally or culturally we know that it's not something we should believe or act on, sometimes it just comes out in an uncontrollable way. It's animal-level behaviour essentially, not rational behaviour.
Usually it's triggered only in extreme cases, but that trigger point for those emotions being released varies from person to person. For example, I've seen guys who can't cope with the fact that their girlfriend has just kissed another man (in extreme cases). The men most vulnerable tend to be sexually inexperienced or sexually insecure, but having studied this and spoken to many men who have suffered with it, it seems it can happen sometimes just because of bad timing or how they found out. Having been lied to about sexual history, and then finding out at a later date can set it off too.
Once it's triggered the emotions range between anger, resentment and a sense of betrayal, jealousy, disgust and mistrust, whilst creating sexual insecurity in the male. It's particularly insidious since those emotions tend to activate behaviour that makes the situation worse and worse: primarily demanding more details about her sexual past, obsessing about those details constantly and hence re-triggering the negative emotions over and over. A vicious circle of negative reinforcement. The obsession part is probably the worst: most men suffering from this find these thoughts very intrusive and just can't stop having them, meaning those negative emotions just keep on coming back in an uncontrollable way. When it gets bad it can lead to panic attacks, and feelings of extreme desperation and hopelessness. The jealousy can get so bad that it becomes pathological, which can make maintaining the relationship nearly impossible.
Note: whilst women can have struggle with the promiscuous pasts of their male partners, the emotions are quite different and tend to center on feeling inadequate and undesirable compared to previous partners. But that's something I know a lot less about. Importantly, on a fundamental level I think the male and female experience of this is so different that empathy between the sexes over it is nearly impossible. This makes communicating about it with your partner particularly difficult.
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A
female
reader, Devilish Angel +, writes (29 January 2008):
 First of all, I think that you need to look to yourself before you judge her. How many women have you slept with? Her past(unless she got an std) does not concern you. She wasn't with you when she was with the other guys. You act like you expect her to be squeaky clean. Sorry, the days of 'women-must-be-virgins-or-they're-whores/unclean' are over.
Girls develop sexually and emotionally at a younger age then guys. Imagine how she would feel if you said her sexual past disgusts you. Does she make you happy in the sack? There ya go.
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A
male
reader, Yos +, writes (28 January 2008):
To the original poster, if you read this please send me a private message and I will contact you about this. I've been in similar shoes to you, and have gotten through it (at least to the point where it's no longer a problem). I know how unbearable it can be and how the usual advice you get: 'the past is the past' and 'its only a number' etc, does no good whatsoever (as well meaning as it is meant). You are not unusual, quite a few people come on this site with the same problem. It is possible to get past it and get back to very nearly how you felt before. I wish you the best and know that you wish the best for all your family.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): Slow down cowboy !!! I'm not telling you what to do,But please read what I have to say: Your wife was searching for her soul mate before she met you (so where you) she might have been running wild then, but you captured and maybe resced her. You had what it took, The others either didn't realized what they had, or didn't have what it took to keep her(there lost your gain). You don't give up the gold medal because of prior competition you take it home and sport it (maybe in her home town).I know this train of thought might seem a little off(at best)but trust me I've seen it before and I have come to this collusion: Better to have a desirable women gone good,than a good women gone wild. Your wife,The mother of your children trusted & confine in you her past(whether In Love or Anger) and you in turn crack jokes, compare her to a old bicycle, disgusted,thinking about bailing out,and who did you say felt "betrayed"??? If you decide to work it out whatever you did to get her you may have to do to keep her, because while your thinking so is she,your looking at her past,she's looking at your present ,focus on the future. P.S The family that prays together stays together(Just food for thought cause after all, Marriage is sacred).
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 There are men who love and marry hookers and they don't mind if she slept with hundreds of men. It does not matter. What matters is now , the present.
Why do you judge her now? What is the difference of 2 guys and 20 guys? When you married her , you love her for what and who she is .
The only hope is to brain wash your mind and to only look to the future and not the past.If you love her, love her unconditionally. If you act disgusted with her , she may one day run away from you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I think it is easy for everyone to say "oh well it was before you two were together". Actually we are talking about boundaries, standards, mental attitudes, self respect etc etc. We are talking about the way you perceive sex - linked to love and a stable relationship - and this latest revelation has demonstrated that your partner has had a very different view to you on that subject in the past. I understand your situation because I believe it is important to be with someone who shares your moral code. I know I sound old fashioned (I'm only 35) but I think the more freely you spread yourself around sexually the less ' special' it may be towards someone who you truly love. I think this is what hurts you - to you, it should be special and yet to her it has clearly been about satisfying lust. She possibly learnt the hard way and maybe regrets her actions. I think you feel the way a lot of people would actually like to be - but in society now the pressure is on and it's about sex not love. I would suggest talking to your wife about how much it has affected you and ask her to explain how she felt about those times. It may help you to understand at the very least. Failing that and if you cannot overcome this hurdle you will need to find a partner who perhaps has stronger feelings akin to your own. My boyfriend has only had 3 sexual partners - he is 31. He says he experienced shame at not getting an erection with a woman because he didn't love her but I said I thought that said a lot about him and the way he felt about sex. However, in his early 20s (before I knew him) he had a drunken threesome (MMF) when he already had a girlfriend (not part of that act) and this thought has affected me / our relationship because I am not sure whether he still lusts after something like that or would possibly cheat on me in the same way. I hope you find a resolution.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 January 2008): I can empathise with you. It's a shock to you - it would be a shock to me! We must be old-fashioned I guess, because I've not had anything like that number of sexual partners. And of course we like to feel sexual love is sacred and special between two people. However, like someone said, the past is the past; it's what is NOW that counts - you have her genuine love, which is much more than the other one-night stand teenage acquaintances had. Try to switch off that competitive insecure masculine ego and tune in to what YOU have - and ask her for reassurance if necessary.
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A
female
reader, Sams_WonderWoman +, writes (23 January 2008):
 One thing I should say is that it was in her past, and it should stay there. She was just a kid then and didn't think of the consequences it could have. That was way before she met you and has nothing to do with your relationship. You shouldn't let that effect you like that. What you should think of is your time with her together from the first time you met. That's what you should think about. You should think in the NOW, not the past. I could see if she cheated on you with 20 guys while you two were married, to be upset about.
I don't know what your religious preferences are, but one thing that sure helps me is praying to the Lord for help. My husband and I do that all the time. I heard that couples who pray together, stay together. And I am finding out that that statement works!!
You have 3 children, and they need both parents together and not separated!! They will grow up much better with two parents instead of one. Remember we all make mistakes in our past, and we learn from it. And we learn not to do that again.
I hope things go a lot better for you two....I pray that they do.
God Bless you and your family!
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A
male
reader, DoubleM +, writes (23 January 2008):
 I'm afraid this is the new reality. I'm nearly three times your age, but even coming out of the 60s and 70s, it would have been difficult to find a young woman without a considerable number of sexual experiences.
Now that I think about it, all three of the women I was once married to had previous sexual relations, but I never really asked or learned much about it. Admittedly, I'm a three-time loser, but not because of their pasts or my own.
I had been with more than 100 by the time of my third marriage, which lasted 20 years.
Today, unfortunately, with some beginning sexual relations in their early teens, the matter is even worse. But your wife married you, and birthed your children, and that is too much to gamble away in my opinion. It was all before you.
I understand your extreme disappointment, especially compounded with deception apparently, but at least you are thinking of your children and I hope you can put it all behind. If necessary, you might both seek some professional counseling. Best wishes.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (23 January 2008):
 It's up to you. You're the one who deicides the level of hope you still have in being with her. I didn't think that in the beginning of relationships part of the personality test is how many people you slept with. Now, it is wrong misleading the number of people, but it's also wrong to judge her for her past. What would really be different (especially if protected) 20 different people, one time each, or one person 20 times.
So the love of your life, and someone speical. During the birth of three children and a marriage, you felt this way. Because of a past, prior to being with you, you're willing to give up everything. It might surprise you, but almost everyone has somewhat of a past. When you married her, did you do so because of her past, or because of who she is, and you fell in love with who she is? If it's for who she is, why would you be willing to give up everything, possibly go to being a part time parent, having to start over, all for something other than why you married her.
I think you should both talk about these issues. You need to let her know (nicely) how you feel about her misleading you. In doing this, you also need to take into account, your three children, your love for them, and how your decision may affect them.
One final thought. My mom is a retired nurse. She use to tell me that everyone you sleep with, physically stays with you for five years. If that is true, then technically, she's only slept with you.
I hope this helps. Take care.
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