A
female
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Bit of a long tale, but hopefully you guys will be able to help me with this!I have a boyfriend of 2 yrs. At the start of the relationship we were madly in love and it was wonderful. They were the best times of my life. However, we have had massive problems since then. We have both been at fault. there has been no cheating or anything like that. It has been more things like, him storming out and staying out all night with me worried, or me having to go away at very short notice when he needed me around) Now he has become very clingy and insecure in himself, and I’ve tried to help every possible way I can think of. He turns tiny things I do into massive problems, and makes me feel like a terrible person. He says I treat him disgustingly, but when I’ve got advice from his friends and others, there’s no way that the things he refers to can be viewed that way. For example, I didn’t call one day because I fell asleep and he reacted as extremely as someone would if their partner was cheating.I think he is very confused and he is in a difficult place in his life right now. He’s trying to start his career, had no luck and lost a lot of confidence. I know it’s my job to help him through the bad times and support him. But I’ve been doing this now for about 8 months, and its at the stage where nothing I do helps. He doesn’t appreciate anything I do and claims I am selfish.I really, really want to help him through this. And more than anything I want him to feel happy again and achieve his dreams. But I feel like I’m losing sight of what I want for me, as I’m also meant to be starting my career soon and I spend all my time trying to sort his life out, rather than focusing on me.I feel more like his mother than his girlfriend and I’m starting to lose patience and beginning to think of maybe leaving him. I know that’s terrible, and I should be more considerate and sensitive. But I don’t think I can completely dedicate myself to his happiness and try so hard for him only for him to claim I’m a horrible girlfriend.I have started to feel that, although I will always love him in the way I love a best friend, and always want to help him, any romance we had has been replaced with a kind of indifference. I admit, I am annoyed with him. And fed up with the situation and the way he acts. He is very depressed and confused, and in my heart I know he shouldn’t really be in a relationship right now as he needs to sort himself out. I feel fed up with the whole relationship to an extent, while at the same time not really wanting to split up with him.The other problem is that any time I talk of splitting up because he needs time for himself, he hurts himself and makes himself very, very ill. He says he’ll give up on everything if I leave. I don’t know what to do.Is there any hope for us or am I right in thinking that he needs time alone? And if that’s the case how can I split up with him without him giving up on everything and making himself really ill?
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best friend, confidence, depressed, insecure, split up Reply to this Question
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Thank you to both of you, that's really helped me see things from an outside perspective. I think having a long talk then spending some time seperate from each other is a very good idea. Thank you for helping me get an idea of how to approach things, really appreciate it. xx
A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (23 January 2008):
 Call a time out in your relationship. Do not mention about splitting up. Do your own things and give him time to sort out himself.
Time may change his outlook of you . Just bide your time.
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A
female
reader, Sallywebb  +, writes (23 January 2008):
Hi..
it's very normal for someone to feel very depressed when they've lost someone special to them (Especially after 2 years of being together). This is why your boyfriend acts as if he would hurt himself if you leave.
To be honest he MAY actually feel like that for the next few weeks..
To me it looks like he is getting too insecure to the point he needs assurance all the time. This makes you not able to focus on anything YOU need to focus on.
You may be able to stand it now, but what about later?
My advice is to sort this out now. Talk to him face to face. Let him know that you need some time alone. Let him know that you just need to do some hobbies away from him. This will ease out the frequency of you meeting him.
In a way, this will help him get into the habit of not seeing you everyday - that will stop him from doing anything destructive if you do decide to break up with him. It also gives you the time to focus on things you need to focus on..
This time alone may or may not restore your romantic feeling toward him, but at the very least, there is less chance of him hurting himself...
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