A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:So My wife and I of just over a year have been separated(distance) since April. During that time we talked on the phone, texts, skype. It seemed like everything was going ok, we were both heartbroken and sad to be away from each other, but we were working through it together. She finally arrived here with me and I was so sure everything was going to be great. But then she seemed distant and told me she wasn't emotionally connecting with me the same and that she didn't feel the same. I kept telling her that I loved her and would work with her through this...I was giving it my all to fix whatever was wrong. And then last week I had this sudden urge to check her phone....and what do I find? Texts between her and a guy she told me she became friends with showing that they were definitely not just friends.It broke me. We've talked about it and I now found out that she was so distraught over being away from me that she filled that gap with him and one night things went farther and they kept that up until she came here and even then she was still cheating while watching me try to fix things. Since then I've read old skype messages between them and find that she was talking to him and telling him she couldn't wait to be with him while messaging me the usual I love you and miss you. She had this whole relationship that she even tried to continue while here until I found out.She says she regrets what she did...and that she loves me and has cut all ties to him even though she still is emotionally connected to him. We've had intense discussions where she starts off feeling like she wants freedom from our relationship but then always ends up telling me she chooses me and us and that she wants to work through this and doesn't want to live without me. But she was able to lie and hide it so well before..how can I trust her? How can I get her to connect with me again like she did with him? If I ever have to be away from her for a significant time again...how can I know this won't happen?How do I get these images of them out of my head? I keep picturing them together in a hotel, a car and it makes me ill. One of the hardest parts is she was never the one to really initiate sex with me and then she told me she initiated it with him every time...I know I'm attractive and confident in my abilities to please her so than why doesn't she initiate it with me?Sorry for the long post I love her I know that from the fact that watching her break down while telling me broke my heart and I had to hold her and tell her I still love her and am willing to try. But I know all of these thoughts need to be addressed before I can work to move on.
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male
reader, Kosmos  +, writes (23 February 2013):
I think it is the same kind of question as, "My best friend died and I don't know what to do. Should I get him to come back or leave him on the other side?"Its a tragedy. Its broken. She broke it. I think the woman you loved was not her. It was a woman your thought she was you loved - A woman almost exactly like this woman. Its gone. Let me give you an example - I live with my girlfriend and we have a cleaner and I start to think she is kind of sexy sometimes, and there is an energy starting to develop. Especially if my girlfriend has been a real cruel mouthed witch to me for a whole week. I am feeling broken and I need something to give me relief. Now, I could just go and get drunk - I know that works for a few hours - I JUST NEED RELIEF from the pain and I know where I would get it. But if I get drunk maybe my girlfriend would leave me - It certainly wouldn't help. So why don't I go get drunk? Because I KNOW I love her and don't want to do anything to cause me to lose her. She is precious I love her more than anything in the world. Same thing with the cleaner lady - If I slept with her I would enjoy the relief of feeling loved. (Because my girlfriend has been so cruel to me for a week making me feel unloved and even threatening to leave me, and telling me there are better men out there interested in her....saying everything to make me feel like cheating on her). But I don't cheat on her. I don't even allow the thought to seed. Yes I see the seed fall but it has nowhere to grow because I don't give it the hospitality to grow. Why? Because I LOVE HER. This is my undying proof to her I love her. Well, my story didn't end with her being faithful to me in return. I guess that means she didn't love me after all.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 November 2012): An emotional affair can be described as an extramarital affair or extra partnership affair that
does not include sexual behavior or intercourse. It is actually a fairly common occurrence in
marriages and some experts believe that it can be more damaging than infidelity of a
physical nature. In the emotional affair, one member of a couple becomes deeply emotionally
invested in a person other than the spouse. The spouse having this type of affair may spend
time thinking of that person, anticipating meetings with him/her, and gradually becoming
more intimate (platonically) with the person. At the same time, intimacy within the marriage
suffers, and the nonsexual and even sexual attention paid to a spouse lessens dramatically.
Some hallmarks of the emotional affair include the “cheating” partner’s desire to spend more
time with their new “friend” or perhaps an old friend of a long-standing friendship, than he/she
does with a spouse. The person may or may not deny sexual attraction to this friend, but it is
clearly there if unspoken. The person having the affair might describe themselves as being in
love with his/her friend and from a chemical perspective, many produce hormones like
dopamine that give that “in love” feel to meetings with this friend. They could have sweaty
palms, excessive interest in personal appearance before such meetings, and a sense of the
electricity of each meeting, which tends to deepen the emotional affair.
Another aspect of the emotional affair is that cheating spouses usually know they are
behaving wrongly, and they may try to be secretive about meeting the person with whom they
have become involved. In some cases this feeling of doing wrong and betraying the intimacy
of a marriage leads to excess denial on the part of the cheating spouse. The spouse may
insist that he/she is doing nothing wrong but there can be minor to major guilt associated with
this type of affair.
While people often have intimate friendships with other people, especially of the same sex,
the emotional affair is very different. It really does impact the marriage because of the sexual
tension involved and also due to the fact that the person having the affair is sharing intimacy
with someone else that best belongs within the marriage. The idea that marriage is a union
and that your spouse is the person you would share with the most gets corrupted when a
spouse starts sharing this with someone else. The amount of time a spouse thinks about this
person outside of the marriage instead of his/her partner is fully out of proportion with how
things should be. If a spouse is not the person you are thinking about most and in intimate
way, it signifies a marriage with serious problems.
Sometimes emotional affairs begin due to distance that has evolved between spouses,
though this is not always the case. Being involved emotionally elsewhere merely contributes
to this state of disconnect between spouses instead of resolving the problem. Feeling deeply
connected to another person especially in a sexual way is a good indication of marital
trouble and the need to get help.
There are some suggestions that people should avoid friendships with those of the opposite
sex to avoid emotional affairs. This may not be practical advice, since spouses or partners
may have an emotional affair with a same sex friend. Instead of limiting friendships based on
gender, spouses should be aware of tendency to treat any friendship as more important than
the one had with their spouses. When friendship feels too much like love, it is an indication of
emotional disconnect from your spouse.
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A
female
reader, Alia84  +, writes (14 November 2012):
I think you should try more to understand her, and it looks you are doing it very well.If you wouldnt have found out, at one point she would have realized she has to make a choise between him and you. It looks like she wants to choose you, and she did. When she would have chose you she would have told you about it because otherwise she would have realized at one point its imposibble to save the marriage otherwise. It helps to really undersant the reasons she chose you. I might think it because you loving her more then she does gives her a security that she needs. the new guy because its at the beggining it doesnt give same the same security. The feelign she has for him are stringer now because the relation is at the beggining and the level of "dopamine" its higher at the begging of a intimate relation, but its more scary. especially if she doesnt feel more loved then she loves, if this is equal. I think she might start to feel he understand her better then you do because at the beggining of a intimate relation people just understand eachother so well, ussually you dont have to put too much efort in, everyone wants to be liked and everybody puts more effort into understanding eachother.I am glad you got over imagining her having sex with him, this doesnt help, it makes you not think clearly and understand what happened, but everyone thinks like you did, its normal.Its possible to love 2 people in the same time at diffrent stages of the relation. She love you but she wasnt so much in love with you and the feelings of the beggining of another intimate relation were stronger because were at the beggining and especially because sex its more intens when forbiten and not only sex. If that guy would have been her husband and you the new lover she might have felt the same about you as she feels about him.When you are in love, you cant think straight, its jsut happen to a lot of people they cant control what they do and they cant resist tentation.She didnt tell you because she coudnt stand seeing you heart, she wanted to protect you, she would think that if you know you will run away from this marriage and she wanted the marriage to work, she would think that if you look with that eyes to her and constantlly not trust her she would loose you. And she tought she can hide it and eventually she will het over and get attached to you again, It doesnt reallly works that way.Fisrt she tought ots noting wrong having a very good friend, then its nothing wrong having a very good friend, but between diffrent sex it can happen to become also attracted fizically. When forbitten and at the bigiging of feeling attracted to someone its more intense. She felt very sorry for what she did to you and very confused and the stronger the intimacy between him and her became she felt even more confused. She was depressed not finding the equilibrum. She was depressed realizing what mistake she did, She wont get over soon and she still missing a lot that guy, its normal, and you have to be very PATIENT. And you should trust her, because she told you everyting, she also told you details about that she could have hide but she wanted you to know the truth. For her to realize how hurt she caused for everybody it will be an experience that naturally she wont repeat the mistake. It will be like not resisting tentation reminds her of a big nightmare and subconstios she wont be able to be unfaitfull again.And dont try to push things because you are very willing taht things will get the same, it will naturally make thinks worse, give her time, and keep some distance but be carreful to not become distant in your mind because if you will be very anxios and clingy and frustrated it will push her away, and focuse on yourself, do not focuse more on her then yourself. It helps to read this book : The Passion Trap, to understand better why I am thinking this way will help. I have been and still am in the situation your wife is and the both guys are really really crazy about me, they are both great guys and I chose to remain with the my fiance because he came first and I think its not fair to go with the new lover and I know at one point I loved them the same. At the bigging of my relation with my fiance I loved him as much as I do love my new lover now. But that strong feeling from the beggining do not stay the same all the time and thats why its so confusing, that many times I feel like I love my new lover more. Giving up to eighter of them its extremelly paintfull espacially when I think about the pain they feel. I wish so much I would be back in the time I was in love with my fiance and only with him, and have this maturity that I got from this experience and be so strong like I am now that never cheat on anybody. And sometime I wish so much I would have been alone when I met my new lover.I am really curios if things worked between you two....because I am not sure eighter if things will work...or how it will be my relation with my fiance...
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A
female
reader, Stayc63088 +, writes (23 August 2012):
 If it was a one time mistake I would say to try and work on it. It was an affair, emotional and physical. She knew exactly what she was doing and talked to you the whole time claiming she loves you... She came back to you and felt distant and upset... Because she was missing the man she was with. She wants the comfort from you so it confuses her. She definitely has feelings for this other man whether she will admit that to you or not. And whether she realizes it herself or not she does not love you. You simply cannot do that to someone you love. You didn't do it to her right? You were alone as well. Using depression or fear of being alone is no excuse for the behavior. and the fact that she mentions wanting freedom at the beginning of the conversation then changes at the end proves that she doesn't know how she feels but then settles for the comfortability of your marriage.
She betrayed your trust for months. She had many times to tell you what happened yet you had to find it yourself. She isn't truly sorry. Someone truly sorry wouldn't have been able to carry on a charade for so long. She's sorry when she gets caught. You can try to continue in this relationship but I honestly don't know how it is possible. the trust is completely gone and most likely forver gone. You will always check up on her and never fully trust her again. And god hope you never have to leave again for a few months. As another poster said, she has the capability of cheating. She will do it again if in the same circumstances. I feel so sorry for you because you are obviously a very loving and sweet man. You would have to be to even consider taking her back or accepting the apology after all that. I'm very sorry for what you are going through... You can try and make it work but I doubt it will in the long run. It's far too much with the trust broken. Hopefully you can move on quickly and find someone more worthy of how loving you are and she can get help for her issues. Cheaters make me sick and this truly makes my heart ache.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Let her go or she will do it again you deserve much better and still have a lot of your life to live just be fretful there's no children involved cos that would make it 100 x worse file for divorce and move on please don't be her mug she's only upset that she's been caught out good luck x
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): You really are too good for her. You sound like a lovely person. please try and let it go. I know it;s hard, but i think you will look back on this episode and be thankful you got out. You will feel pain for a while, but time will heal. good luck.x
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): No one on this earth deserves love. Also, no one in this earth deserves forgiveness. We cannot earn them because they are gifts, given to us by people who our lives have affected. They are gifts because of our choices. We choose to love and forgive. For her to beg for your forgivness with tears is utterly pathetic. She is not truely sorry for what she did. In fact, it shows how selfish she is. She wants your forgiveness so that she can still have your love and have her guilt of cheating on you excused by your own forgiveness. There is no reason to love a woman that does not love you back. There is no reason to forgive a person who doesn't feel sorrow because of what they did but only sorrow because of the consequences. You have no reason to love your wife, neither do you have any reason to forgive her. She betrayed your trust and she is unwilling to acknowledge that. But if you still want to continue to love and forgive her without reason, then that's your choice, because that's what they are in the end.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): I think she cannot possibly love you.I spent the first year of my relationship with my then boyfriend apart. Never once cheated. I was in the UK, he in Chicago. We skyped and we traveled to see each other roughly every 3 months.Now since December we've been apart between L.A and San Francisco. Wedding is in September. Not once have I cheated.The only times in this relationship I ever thought about it was when I felt I truly might not love him - but then I'd snap back to reality, we'd visit and I'd receive the reassurance I needed to keep being motivated and make the relationship work.Now that we are engaged, the commitment is so much stronger. The only way I could see a woman cheat is if she truly did not love her husband - deep inside. She might not even recognize it or she might be putting her emotions aside because she enjoys the comfort of having you in her life. But I can't see her loving you if she had an emotional and even physical affair with the other guy.You're so young. Lovely guys. I hope you figure this out and resolve your heartache soon!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): Honestly, I'd walk away.I was with a woman who left an abusive relationship for me. We were together for about 6 months. I trusted her and never thought she's betray me. She would frequently text her ex, but they owned a house together and she was trying to get her deposit back, so I didn't think too much about it. We were planning to move in together, when out of the blue she told me she had no feelings for me. I can remember sending her a text about a week later and her ex answered it. This was a 8am, so he'd stayed the night. She moved back in with him 2 days later.For the next few months she avoided any contact with me until she needed my help. She split up with her ex, had a couple of other relationships (the reason for the split) and when they went sour she turned back to me.She apologised for what she'd done and came up with various excuses and begged me to give her another chance. Like an idiot I did. Second time around though the trust just wasn't there. I snooped on her phone pretty regularly (something I would never have thought of doing first time around) and found that she was cheating on me with two different exes. Needless to say it all ended very badly.You can take her back, but you'll never trust her the same way again. If she's done it once, she's got that capacity. What happens next time you're working away? You've already snooped, trust me you'll do it again. Without trust, there can't be a relationship, I'm sorry.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (23 August 2012): A friend of mine was in a similar situation. He got married young, and his wife started cheating on him in less than a year. He got divorced, and he was a mess for awhile. But, he went back to school, got an advanced degree, met his current wife, and got remarried. He is now a devoted and happy husband and father, with a great career. As far as I can tell, his current wife is superior to his first wife in every way. He rarely, if ever looks back. My best guess is that if he had tried to work things out with his first wife it would have led to years of pain and been a huge drain on his time and energy. I highly doubt he could have achieved what he has, or been as happy as he is, if he'd tried to work things out with his first wife.My impression is that your wife has a lot of issues, and it's dragging you down. When I took lifesaving classes, my instructors said some people who are drowning will panic and drag you under if you try to rescue them. They taught us to let them push us under, then just swim away underwater so you don't get dragged under and drown yourself. The lesson being that if you both drown, it doesn't help anyone.I'd just swim away.
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A
male
reader, anonymus2012 +, writes (23 August 2012):
Dude, Im sorry but seriously run, run fast from her before is too late, she will rip off your heart and then eat it. That's my best advice. Trust has been broken.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): You deserve better, really. You can have someone who doesn't do this to you. It is never too late to start over and you are still young. Btw, I can't believe how people would want you to forgive and tolerate all that BS? It's more than obvious that she doesn't want you. You can't be in a relationship and still want to be "free"!
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): This is a difficult situation.
It seems to me that if you do decide to stay with her, you will have to somehow accept the fact that your relationship will never be the same. I don't know how you can ever really trust her again. In theory, its nice to think that people can work things out if they try hard enough, but I don't think it is always possible in the real world.
It depends somewhat on what you want out of a relationship. If you're OK with a low level of trust and intimacy, it might work.
I'd break it off with her and stop torturing yourself. Find someone who loves you as you are, someone you can trust. Trying to work this out sounds like a recipe for lots of pain. Pain you don't deserve.
You are still young. You can start over with someone better.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): Either it was an official breakup that whole time or it wasn't. If she wasn't expecting you to be in bed with other women then she had no right to be in bed with another man. Excuses and justifications for her behavior just over-complicates things and allows you to avoid the real truth of the matter. Your GF has been cheating on you. No more, no less.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): She broke down at the thought of breaking your heart.
You are being played like Banjo.
Get the hell out of there.
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A
male
reader, doublejack +, writes (22 August 2012):
OP, unfortunately I found myself in your shoes some years ago. The difference in my situation was that my ex traveled for work, so we weren't away for more than 2-3 weeks at a time and she was the one "away" from me. She cheated with several different coworkers, and most of the men were guys she traveled with, including her boss at the time, though he transferred shortly after I discovered what she was up to.
I gave my ex-wife a second chance. I was in love, or so I thought, and I wanted the relationship to "work". I had discovered one or two men she cheated with but did not know the full extent. We also have a daughter, and I felt the best thing for her was for her parents to stay together. It put a massive strain on the marriage. I was depressed, we fought a lot, and the home environment became toxic.
Well, my ex betrayed my trust, again. Three years went by from the time I first caught her, and I found new evidence that she had continued cheating. At that point I filed for divorce.
The point of my little story is that, in my experience, once trust has been broken it is extremely difficult to pick up the pieces and save the relationship. I honestly would not ever try to do so again. If someone cheats on me, I end the relationship without thinking twice. I will end things if I catch a woman breaking my trust in any way, such as lying to me.
I'm not saying that you necessarily should end the marriage. However, these haunting thoughts and images of your wife cheating will not go away easily. You are still very young and have your whole life ahead of you. So, is this something you are willing to attempt working through, knowing that it can take a long time... and that things may never be the same? I urge you to think about it. Write down the pros and cons of staying in the marriage, and try to sort out which option is best... not just right now, but for the long term. You have my empathy, as I know this is not something to be taken lightly, or something that is easy to deal with.
Best of luck!
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A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (22 August 2012):
 Honestly, if you really want to try to make this work, you need to forgive her. People do things they might not normally do when they are distraught over relationships or other life situations. Someone pays her some attention, and the next thing she knows, she is in someone else's arms and in a secret relationship.
If she tells you she regrets what she did--believe her. If she tells you she needs some freedom--give it to her. It seems like there might be underlying issues here that are not being addressed. You could try couseling if she is willing to go, but counseling will not force you to trust again. You will slowly have to do that yourself. It CAN happen if you stick with it long enough. It is hard, but it can happen.
Has she ever told you why she wants freedom from the relationship with you? I would ask her about that. Perhaps there is something the two of you could improve together to make the relationship stronger this time around.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionWe were apart since the beginning of January. I got to spend 3 days with her the first couple days of April and I know the physical affair started sometime in the middle of July.
The physical part of the affair though isn't my main problem...Like I said I have questions and issues to get over regarding that, but the main thing is I know this started as an emotional affair. He was just a friend to her originally and then she started sharing more emotions and thoughts that she wasn't telling me, she started thinking that he understood her better than me, than she started thinking thoughts about a future with him. She tells me that it was like she was living a different life and so she couldn't coorelate the 2 until they came crashing together.
And I never had a problem with her making friends while we were apart because she had problems with depression before and she was so distraught over being apart. But I just don't know how the whole thing could have been prevented or how I can actually open up and trust her and let her close. How I can be away from her and not think of her emotionally connecting to someone else.
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (22 August 2012):
 This past April? You mean she couldn't stay faithful for roughly 3 months?????
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