A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:I just wanted to post this due to all the posts re girls with promiscuous pasts. Here is my story. I fell head over heels for my now wife when she was 22 and I 23. Our relationship progressed and soon we both realized we were utterly in love with each other. Shortly thereafter, she felt the need to tell me about everything she had done in the past. I didn't say much at the time, but it spawned a growing disgust in me, almost to the point of feeling physically sick. A few words about the details: I was number 41 (remember, she was 22). This was almost 3x the number of girls I had slept with. But it was the circumstances that I found revolting. Most were one night stands. Some were not even a whole night (having sex with a guy in the bathroom at a party within an hour or so of meeting him, and then going on with her night). Guys pulled a train on her twice. And the capper, she had sex with four guys at once. They did it at a frat party at midnight, and she loved it so much they did it again in the morning. Needless to say, she is very pretty - what you might call an "LA 8" (read: 91/2 everywhere else).Now I have had to meet about 6 of these guys, and two are family friends that will be In our lives forever. One, who was a boyfriend, came and stayed with us for a couple weeks when visiting from another country.Finally, she does not regret her past. She defends it, and gets madnwhen I am what she calls jealous about it. I am not jealous, but disgusted.Flash to the present. We have been married almost 20 years. She has never cheated on me. We have a great sex life. She likes to have sex and makes a big effort in that regard (this is NOT the case for all wives married for this long). It took me years to leave this all In the past, and I am glad I did. She does not harbor any curiosity about other men, mens attention does not impact her. Having been used so many times, I think she has always recognized and deeply appreciated that I really love her. Finally, now that we have a hound daughter who is the spitting image of her mom, I think she is coming to fully understand the hurt and distance her past caused between us, and is finally coming to regret how she acted.My advice: if you love being with someone in the here and now, don't allow yourself to obsess about the past. Chosing a mate should not be like buying a car: rating this attribute, judging that. You know if you love someone, and if you are lucky enough to fall deeply in mutual love, you are lucky indeed. Go with it. And remember, there are many ways in which you are not perfect either. She has accepted your failings, even if they are of a different nature
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cheated on me, her past, jealous, one night stand, sex life Reply to this Article
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reader, R.Blackstone +, writes (20 August 2021):
I can identify with you as I am married to a woman who was very promiscuous as a teenager and young adult. She was tall slender but curvy, with I would say an average looking face. She was twenty one when I met her and had had only three serious boyfriends but numerous sexual encounters. I never asked for a total number because like you as she told me things I felt kind of sickened as I was already in love with her. I think when she noticed I was feeling bothered she told me, I didn't really sleep with that many guys, I usually just gave blow jobs. I said usually,
What do you mean ? She said well guys I went on dates with. Apparently from the time she was sixteen until twenty one a date meant a blow job. To her a blow job was not considered sex. So the number may be even higher as like your wife there were mentions of having sex with a guys at a parties within an hour of meeting them. As she talked she made giving blow jobs seem as casual as shaking hands. I even found out after we were married that were about three guys she got with while we were dating. I try to live in the present and not worry about what other guys did with her and we have been married now for many years. However I can't say that thoughts of her being with all these other guys never haunts me.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2017): First, if you have also slept around pre-marriage, you need to get real about coming down on her about her slutting around -- you're both in the same boat.
Does a promiscuous past portend a faithless marriage? No. But you do need to be aware that there will still likely be major obstacles to overcome.
A sexual encounter will bond two people deeply, on multiple levels. Think of it as tape being stuck to something. It connects in a serious way. Now, imagine that tape is removed and applied again. And again. And again. And again. In our metaphor, clearly, the tape is become less and less sticky. In the real world, this translates into the woman or man who sleeps around as being less and less able to connect emotionally. And even though she put out out like crazy pre-marriage, she's a ticking timebomb when it comes to the nuptials. Does she love you? Sure, no doubt. But has she sabotaged her own ability to connect in a deep, meaningful, and lasting way -- the way should would had she not spread her legs like a whore -- clearly, yes. As the old saying goes, 'there are other far less slutty fish in the sea.'
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reader, Kay80  +, writes (22 July 2014):
Yeah - I guess accepting her past was not easy - I guess it really crushed your psycho. Kudos for that!!
However, given choice of chaste (5 bf, no trains, no ons) girlfriend - would you not prefer that?
You see - threre are still places like Eastern Europe, Africa, Asia etc where you can get 8 LA without slutty past and much less bitchy.
I would say you have wasted your emotional strenght (getting over this shit was HEAVY) for woman who did not give a shit about your feelings and who don't deserve it.
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reader, just1 +, writes (11 March 2012):
Wow! Can I relate to this...
My wife and I started seeing each other when I was 18, she was 17. Things went very fast! We fell in love, and within a couple weeks, we were sleeping together (the only one I have ever been with). She told me right away that she had been with someone else and had a miscarrage a year earlier, partly I feel because we worked together and someone else would have said something. It bothered me, but I was in love with her.
She had a box of letters from he old boyfriend (that she let me read) that had some letters from him accusing her of seeing other guys. so I asked her about "her first time" and if the other boy was the only other one she has been with and she said her first time she "didn't really remember because she was drinking, and then their was the other boy." Never really answered if he was the only other one.
We have been married for over 20 years now, and I came across some more letters. I felt sick when I saw them. She wan in Jr High/High School and the talked about meeting guys at night in the woods, getting even for a boy cheating on her, and suggestive messages that were passed in class. Some of the lines she used were ones she used on me.
She told me that the notes were just childish jokes and that nothing happened. That she doesn't remember 'meeting guys in the woods'. Their was even talk of some photos of her in her nightshirt at a hotel room drinking, she denies it.
I still love my wife, but I can not get the thoughts and visions of her past out of my head.
WHAT DO I DO???
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reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2010): I too have struggled a little with my girlfriends past. It is good to hear that people can and do change, once in a loving relationship.
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male
reader, hindsight +, writes (21 July 2010):
I concur with Seneca's comments, and am in a somewhat similar situation. My wife and I are both comfortable enough to talk about our sexual pasts with each other. We won't usually go in to explicit detail voluntarily, but we'll share general information, and be honest if the other asks something.
My wife didn't get quite as wild as yours, but had a somewhat promiscuous phase when she was younger. My wife had been with 14 sexual partners before we met when we were both 22. Now, by some standards, that's not high at all. However, 11 of them came in a little under a year. Two were relationships in high school that lasted around a year, and one was a relationship in college that ended about 3 months before we met. Yes, 11 in 11 months would qualify as promiscuous, but I basically attribute that to the burst of freedom that college can provide. Plus, I wasn't exactly celibate before we met either (7).
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reader, Tuberville +, writes (14 July 2010):
I have a different take on all this (from personal experience). Her unloading all this cr@p on you is totally selfish on her part. It allowed her to leave all the guilt and self-loathing about who and what she is behind, and go forward with a free conscience. Meanwhile, you get to deal with it forever! She enjoyed doing it. She was a pig, and now she gets to have her cake and eat it too! You, on the other hand, led a decent life, tried to be a good person. But you now get a lifetime of dealing with a past you didn't even get to enjoyShe's like big dump truck who backed up on you and unloaded. Now she's light and free. You on the other hand get to carry the weight of her piggishness for a lifetime!
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reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (9 July 2010):
 Yeah,yeah, BFD... how bout this...I was a virgin ewhen I met my wife and she'd been with at lest 5 if you count her brother. So get the heck over it...life sucks and then you die.
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reader, Jeff8  +, writes (6 July 2010):
What you describe is disconcerting and rare in straight couples but I'd say pretty well the norm for gay couples who settle down together in a steady relationship.
An attractive young gay man living within an hour's drive of a biggish city or international airport who sets his mind to it and remembers not to blow his load too soon can clock up 41 in a long weekend. And lots of these guys eventually settle down with one man and never hit the clubs and baths again.
For many people--men, women, straight, gay--sex is like a good workout: helps circulation, lowers stress levels, gives you a rush. Then you hit the locker room and you're done. It's love that doesn't wash off in the shower.
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reader, anonymous, writes (5 July 2010): These are all interesting replies. I got to this site as this is a problem for my husband. I have been with him 20 yrs and it was a problem at the start of our relationship but appeared to disappear until recently - bout 6 weeks ago when it seemed to hit him hard again and again seems to b causing him real problems. I have had intercourse with 5 men b4 him and sex with 5 others. He has had sex with numerous girls but was unable to have intercourse until he met me. Now this relationship is at the stage where he is talking about breaking up which is causing me a great deal of pain. He says he loves me like he has loved no other and that he still loves me in the same way - just that he can't get his head around other men touching me and being with me b4 him. He knows he can do nothing about my past and doesn't blame me for it but just feels sick to the stomach thinking about it. it is good to hear that other people r going through or have gone through similar situations.
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reader, Dear Kevin  +, writes (29 June 2010):
Thank you for sharing you marriage with us, I enjoyed your story and emotions, some things we have to get over, and love life with the people we are with. God bless.
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (27 June 2010):
Anonymous, though you certainly have a point, do you think any of the people listed in your examples would come forward with their secrets like the wife did? I think this is where the difference lies. I mean, admitting what she did takes some nerve to do. She could have kept her mouth shut and work her way around it. With a bit of luck her husband would have never found out how much she slept around.
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reader, anonymous, writes (25 June 2010): Good for you - Im glad things worked out for you. That said, in my life I like to have the odds for such and important outcome stacked in my favor a bit more. I give you - would you let a guy who has a history of child molestation watch your daughter? Afterall, just because he did it before doesnt mean hes going to do it again - right? Would you let a surgeon with a stack of malpractice cases against him operate on your mother? I mean - just because he's screwed up before that doesnt mean hes going to screw up again.I can see the answers now - "But why take the chance with something so important!" Exactly.......
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reader, kitty-cat=] +, writes (25 June 2010):
![kitty-cat=] agony aunt](/avatars/4e276644-588c-43d2-bf37-fe35b92660b5.png) well, the way i see it, your married to a beautiful, faithful, woman and after 20 years of a great marriage, you still have a good sex life. whats the problem? it doesn't matter how you got to be the people you are, its the people you turn out to be that matters. i hope your marriage lasts another great 20 years!
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reader, Oregongrl1 +, writes (23 June 2010):
Well i got news for you your in it now you either except her past or you don't! take your pick.
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reader, seneca +, writes (23 June 2010):
Those calling her a slut should remember - or learn - that we all come with very different levels of sexual drive.When this woman was young, she was unattached, no commitment to anybody, obviously had a very high sex drive and the looks to get any man she wanted. Are you sure you would behave differently in her shoes?I wouldn't blame her for her having had several guys at once, or her other sexual exploits. If you have a high sex drive, are intelligent and very curious, its natural to wonder what such things are like and try them out if you get the chance. Let's be honest, it's very enjoyable!My wife used to say how glad she was that I didn't play around - but sometimes I wonder if I would (could?) have been so faithful if I were not a dog but as good-loking as some of my friends who have girls throwing themselves at them all the time.I'm glad these two have had such a good life. Just goes to show......
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reader, olderthandirt +, writes (22 June 2010):
I've beeen married 46 years to my first real sexual partner and although she "majored in boys" her terms not mine) i've always been true to her and vica versa. she did mention once though that i had the smallest(you know what0 of all the boys she'd been with. 46 years later though i'm the one she stayed with that kinda says it all to me. so don't fret you're gonna be just fine!
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reader, maverick494 +, writes (22 June 2010):
@veronika: I don't see anything wrong with the word, because let's be honest: from the description, that's what she was. A slut. No need to be pretty about it. Besides, the term slut (to me) doesn't apply to women only. Many male sluts out there. In general "liking to have many sexual partners" (41 at the age of 22 in this case) is not perceived as something positive, hence the negative load in the word slut. Hell, I'm 22 and my count is 1. The idea of sleeping with 41 men sounds as much mission impossible to me as doing all those stunts Tom Cruise's character did in that movie.
OP, what I like so much about this article is that it shows people CAN change. And that the past doesn't necessarily define the future. I also commend the wife for being so open and honest about it. She obviously wanted to start clean, no secrets, nothing that can come up and ruin her future. That takes some nerve to do and I respect that. I also think it's great of you that despite your disgust, you got past that and gave her a chance.
Great you have such a happy and lasting relationship!
Thanks for posting this. Gives a whole new perspective for me.
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reader, serenity80 +, writes (22 June 2010):
Thank you for taking the time to write this post. It is an amazing inspiring story. It would seem you are the better man (and likewise, she is the better woman) all the best.
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reader, veronika  +, writes (22 June 2010):
 I agree with the sentiment of your post - that is, you should put the past behind you and move on, and accept it.
But I cannot agree with your choice of words in the title. "Slut" is a very offensive, patronising term used to degrade and shame women who actually like to have many sexual partners.
If you were my husband describing me, I'd be... well, mortified .
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 June 2010): Sorry, Dude. I couldn't look past a slutty wife. SLutty girlfriend who's an LA 8, yes. But the mother of my kids? No way. I'm glad you were able to look past her past, if you will. I couldn't. You can;t take slut back.
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reader, Yos  +, writes (21 June 2010):
 That's really good to read. And I think you are describing something possible for many: very often a promiscuous past is no indication of how some one will be in a committed relationship. Often it's a case of either a youth spent learning to find oneself, or sometimes just someone who in uninhibited sexually.
Either way, it's entirely possible to have a positive future.
Thank you very much for writing this.
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reader, multitask +, writes (21 June 2010):
Thank you so much for this brilliant post.
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