A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: Before my wife and I were together, she had a boyfriend that she lost her virginity to (at 16). She really liked him. She had a relationship with him that included regular sex, then after breaking up got back together after a couple of months "just for sex" for a few weeks. She guesses they had sex about 15 or so times. We got together a few months later. While we were dating and engaged, she told me very little about the two of them, even though I asked. Back then, when I'd ask she would just shut down and refuse to tell me anything. Fast forward nearly 16 years later and now we're talking about it. She claims she can't remember much at all. Long story as to why, but it's a mixture of my fears about what happened and her realization that she was exposed to an STD during her time with him. The exposure to the STD bothers me, but not as much as the other stuff she told me. No reason to list everything out, but basically she told me how much she liked having sex with him, which was always a fear of mine. Of course, she always followed it up with, I like having sex with you better (which, I'd expect her to say...true or not). I can't help but be heart-broken. It's totally not a macho thing to feel, but I can't help it. It hurts like hell. I was a virgin, so she's been my one and only. I've never wished I'd had sex with anyone else, she is my dream girl. We've had chilren. I've read plenty of stuff other people have to say about this, but the bottom line for me is, now what? I wanted to know, and now I do. And it sucks. I would rather know than always wonder, but now that I do...I feel like I will always have a wife that doesn't share this special thing with only me. I knew she wasn't a virgin when we married, but I didn't know how much she liked having sex with him. I need some real advice from those who have had "good" sex with more than one person who can give me some insight. How should I think about this? Right now, it hurts so damn bad, all I can do is feel the pain. I'm anxious, nervous and just plain don't feel like myself around her. She knows this and wishes she hadn't told me. Now what?
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male
reader, guyinlove +, writes (6 September 2012):
Hello, My wife has had sex with a few guys before we got together. I was a virgin when we started dating. I did not know she had sex with as many guys as she did until after we had sex for the first time. She has recently told me about another person she had sex with before we got together. Now I cannot help but think she is comparing me to the other men. She has told me that I am larger than any of the other men that she has been with, and that I am the best lover she has been with.I still have doubts about that knowing that she has had sex with quite a few guys. This tears me apart inside knowing that I was not the first one with her. But I must be doing something right because we have been together for 8 years now and have 2 kids with each other. We must be doing something right too. I love my wife very much, but the thoughts keep coming to my mind, and I am not going to lie, sometimes it brings tears to my eyes, because this is something that I had always wanted to share with just one person. She has shared this experience with more than one person. I hate having this though in the back of my mind, but she has chosen me just like your wife has chosen you. So I guess it is a natural thing to feel jealous of this.Love conquers all.
A
female
reader, BettyBoup  +, writes (21 January 2011):
 Perhaps she was aware that you would feel the way you do now, if she told you the details and her feelings around the sex she had with her ex? Perhaps, with you being a virgin, she felt that you would judge her past actions and not fully understand them due to the simple fact that you have not had sexual relations with anyone other than her. So in order to protect your feelings or avoid your judgement of her for enjoying sex with another man, she has held back from telling you everything about her sexual history.
But now you have been married for 16 years, she probably feels comfortable enough with you to feel she can share more personal information about herself. She obviously feels your relationship is strong and that you will accept her for who she is.
"I wanted to know, and now I do. And it sucks. I would rather know than always wonder"
You always wanted to know whether she enjoyed sex with her ex? But you didn't want to know that the answer was yes. Why?
I am sorry if I offend you in any way, I would just like to give you my viewpoint.
Why does it displease you that she enjoyed sex with another man before she was with you? You knew she was not a virgin before you so you cannot feel that she has kept something from you.
"If I had a choice, I would have preferred we only share this with each other. But as it is, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in sometimes. I don't like feeling like there are secrets that she and him had together."
You did have a choice. She told you she was not a virgin before she married you. You knew this. You made the choice to marry her despite your discomfort with the thought of her not being a virgin. If it was so important to you that your wife had not shared this sexual bond with anyone else in her life, you should have found a woman who WAS a virgin. You have made your bed and now you have to lie in it.
I am sorry if this is harsh, but this is the truth as I see it.
What I don't understand is that you knew she was not a virgin but you are surprised and hurt by the fact she enjoyed the sex with her ex? Sex is a pleasurable thing. She chose to do this with her ex 15 or so times. Surely you MUST have known she enjoyed it. All the signs were there. She went back to him after they broke up, just for sex. She would not have done that if she didn't enjoy it. You must have known that?
"I need some real advice from those who have had "good" sex with more than one person who can give me some insight. How should I think about this?"
Ok. I am a girl who has had "good" sex with several guys, before I met my current partner of 3 years. I used to be quite free and easy when it came to sex. In my opinion, as long as you are safe, use protection and both parties are available and happy with their relationship sex is a good thing.
I am very sorry but it really bugs me that some men are critical of women who have more than one sexual partner and enjoy sex. I think, why shouldn't a woman enjoy sex?! That is what our bodies are designed for! Marriage and chastity is socially enforced. But I digress.
"I've never wished I'd had sex with anyone else, she is my dream girl. We've had chilren."
You are a very lucky man. You have found your dream girl and she has been faithful to you for 16 years. She has chosen to protect you from the painful details of her past sexual experiences until now. I believe because she knew you would be unconfortable hearing them. But she did not lie to you, she told you about her relationship with this man, and that she went back to him to have sex after they split. But this was all before she met you. She loves you, married you and gave birth to your children. She now feels so close to you that she can tell you her intimate thoughts about her past without fearing that you will judge her harshly for enjoying sex. She perhaps has made a mistake in doing this because clearly it is something that brings up feelings of hurt for you. But as you said, you have alwasy wanted to know the details, so at least you will no longer have to pondor on these. Also you say you have tried to persuade her to give you these details in the past. But she has held back until recently.
"I feel like I will always have a wife that doesn't share this special thing with only me. I knew she wasn't a virgin when we married, but I didn't know how much she liked having sex with him."
I hear the pain in your words. I cannot imagine what it must be like to be in your situation. You found the woman you want to be with for the rest of your life and married her. She is the only woman you've ever shared yourself physically with and felt that passion for.
I can see that, having the life experince you do, of only being with one person and only passionatly loving that one person, that it must be hard to conprehend how she can have had a good sexual relationship with a man before you and feel FULLY passionate and into YOU sexually. I thhink this may be the crux of the issue. With a good sex life with that other guy, how can she be totally into you the way you are with her? She is the only one you have let into your life in that intimate way, but she has had someone else in the past. So you feel as though this memory of a man will always be there in her mind, to compare you to. Is that how you feel?
I can emphathise with this feeling as my current partner has been married before and had passionate relationships before me. He has told me details of adventurous sex he has had and do you know what, I feel jealous! Partially because he doesn't want to be as adventurous or sexual with me(but I don't want to bring in my issues here) but also like you, because I feel if he's had good sex with all these other women then he must compare me to them and there's a chance he will think they were better.
But you just can't let it get to you. She is not with this guy now. They broke up and she is with you now. She's been with you for 16 years and had your children. She must love you very, very much to stay with you for so long, especially in today's culure where divorce is easy. She must be happy in EVERY department.
Also remember that her ex was a long, long time ago. Her memories of the sex will not be realistic. They will be rose-tinted. She will probably remember the best bits and will forget all of the negative things that go with first time sex, or sex in general. It probably hurt. She probably felt uncomfortable and awkward and he was young so he probably didn't really know what he was doing and was clumsy. But because he was her first, she has most likely just chosen to remember the good bits.
Sex is never perfect. What makes it good is knowing the person we are doing it with loves us. She has that with you. I can guarantee that she will not have felt the pure passion and love for her ex that she will have felt with you. YOU are her dream man and the love of her life. Sex with anyone else could never be as amazing as it will be with you, for her. She is with you for a reason. Don't forget that.
Good luck :)
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 January 2011): OP here again: thanks angel, no there is no chance of her getting back together with him. I'm sure of that. I haven't thought of many other what if scenarios, thanks for the context! I'll do my best to forgo further questioning and see how it goes! Thanks again!
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (21 January 2011):
 i think your reaction now is exactly why she was reluctant to tell you anything! she loved about you and didn't want to make you feel bad is why. she has only (sorry i don't mean to play this down, forgive me) had sex with one other man before you and it was a long long time ago. he is someone from her distant past, there is no issue of her ever going back to him, right?
address your low-esteem issues, please do not let this ruin your lovely marriage. in my last post i was trying to give you some alternate thinking, to try to show you that ok, you would have preferred her to be a virgin like yourself, BUT what has happened whether right or wrong just a series of events that have brought you to where you are now, and you don't have to see this as 'worst case scenario'.
picture this: she was a virgin when you met her, she might have decided that she did not want to settle down and marry the first boyfriend she gets, she wants to date around a bit etc, just to see what it's like, so she splits with you. you never see her again, you both marry different people
if things in the past happened differently, it could've caused a very different version of your life now.
do you find yourself getting images of her and this ex in your mind now that are torturing you? do you feel like questioning her further? - never ask her stuff again AND every time you get an intrusive thought - think about something else - anything else! coz if you carry on letting yourself think about this, it is not gonna get better, in fact you will probably build it up out of all proportion in your own mind
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): OP here again, thanks angel. Absolutely, my self esteem is quite low. In large part, because of this. I think that because I was a virgin and she wasn't lead to my curiosity about her experiences with him. She always acted like she had something to hide, which heightened my curiosity. Plus, she lied about it initially. If I had a choice, I would have preferred we only share this with each other. But as it is, it feels like I'm on the outside looking in sometimes. I don't like feeling like there are secrets that she and him had together. Why not let me know if I wanted to know? It is infinitely more difficult to talk about it now with kids than it was when we were single.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I'm sorry that my comment will not really help the O.P. but somebody has to say it.
The idea that "She's with you now so you must be best and you don't need to worry" is ridiculous. As if the quality of the sex is the only reason people choose their mates. Ever heard of money? Personality? Compatibility? There are a hundred reasons why she might be with the current guy but still remember having better sex with a past guy.
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A
female
reader, angelDlite +, writes (20 January 2011):
hi
she had sex and she liked it. she is just being honest, would you rather she say to you 'yeah we had sex and i hated it every time'? how would you feel really if she had said that? would it make you wonder if she truly was enjoying it with you or just pretending/tolerating, coz, after all she had tolerated what she didn't enjoy with him? and then would come the fear that she has liked sex with neither of you and might then one day want to seek good sex to find out what it is like? i say this to you because you seem to be insecure/jealous anyway, i mean; why did you keep asking her about him to start with?
if your wife was also a virgin when you met do you think you would find yourself wondering if she ever wanted to go with a different man sometime, just to see what it is like with someone else?
if she denied the sex was good would you have believed her and not mentioned him again? your wife has told you that she likes it better with you but you are still worried. would you agree that you lack confidence/self esteem, whereby you don't feel as if you can be better at things?
your wife is with you now and it sounds as though you adore each other and you have had the kids together, you are really lucky, you know
the past is the past and there is nothing we can do to change it, or go back and delete things. all we can do is learn to accept it, comfortably. i think you could benefit from improving your self esteem and feel better about yourself, this could help with the insecurity you are feeling now
xx
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): OP: thanks smoochy! I appreciate your perspective.
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A
female
reader, SweetSmoochy +, writes (20 January 2011):
 I have had sex with three people before the guy I am with now, and none of them have changed any part of my relationship with him. He and I have not had sex yet, and I did enjoy the sex I've had before, but honestly, I wish I was a virgin again so that I could give that gift to him.
I'm sure that's how your wife feels about you. Don't worry. Sex never replaces love, and the sex you two have only makes your love stronger because it's more than "banging", like she did with her ex. It's making love, which she does only with you.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): OP here: anon. Hep C. Said That since we had been talking about it she remembered him telling her he had it...but at the time thought it was like mono or something similar, not sexually transmitable.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I'm a woman who has only had sex with three people, but those three people have had sex with many other girls. They all have told me that I'm good in bed, and I'm very insecure about how I rank compared to all the other girls they've had sex with, but I don't dwell on it because I don't want to know. I don't want them to tell me I'm amazing, which they all have, then them tell me I'm not the top one. I'd just like to have the thought in my head that they like it and they're satisfied.
As long as your wife likes having sex with you and is satisfied, there is nothing to worry about, I assure you.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): I have had amazing sex with a manI know didn't care for me at all. I suspect the knowledge that I always knew it would be a short term thing and that I would never have to worry about falling in love with him was what made me so uninhibited and what made it so great...
All I know was that the novelty was short lived and that eventually it became boring...it started to feel like masturabtion rather than sex and I knew I was missing something.
She could be saying this (however insensitive it is) only because she misses the excitment and thrill of being young and unexperienced. If she chose to marry and build a life with you, I would have confidence in that descision.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): "She was tested and it's negative for the STD she feared"
What brought this up?
Why after 16 years is she suddenly worried about an STD that she might have been exposed to?
Which STD?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 January 2011): OP here: Charlie...I hope you're right. It's always been mind blowing for me, I'd love more input! Thanks!
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A
female
reader, charliesdevil73 +, writes (20 January 2011):
 Don't worry about it. Sure she liked the sex with her ex, but she's still with you right? You have to be doing something right in the sack for her to stay. I have had a couple of boyfriends that have been amazing in bed. After the first one, I never thought I would find someone that great again. Well, I did. After the second, I thought there was no way I would find a third man as good. Again, I did. My fiance is better than both the other men. And I'm not just saying that. If I had the opportunity to sleep with one of my exes, I would say "hell no, I'm sticking with this guy". And, that's probably how your wife feels. Yes, her ex was good, but you're even better. And now she gets to experience sex with you for the rest of her life. She probably screamed for joy (in her head of course) when she realized it was you she would be having sex with forever.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I'm the OP. Shortwife: She was tested and it's negative for the STD she feared. Thank you all for your responses so far, they are VERY welcome.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 January 2011): I feel your pain, my friend. Shortly after we started dating, my wife informed me that her previous boyfriend had a big penis, could last for a very long time and could make her cum in the sitting up facing each other position. Guess what- I can't claim any of those abilities. I asked her if I had a big penis and she said that I have a nice girth (nice way of saying "no". She says sex with me is wonderful and she is very satisfied. She says she doesn't want anybody else but me. But those facts sit in the back of my head and eat at me to this day.
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A
male
reader, serenity80 +, writes (19 January 2011):
I would recommend on working on your physical health to develop your stamina and then buy some viagra.. take your wife away for a night or two away and I think the experience will replace that painful feeling inside you that feels inferior.
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A
female
reader, Blonde68 +, writes (19 January 2011):
How charming of her to tell you this... and how lovely he was to leave a lasting impression, even if it was an STD!
Try not to beat yourself up about it... you must be doing something right for you to still be together all these years.
I will tell you something now, I met a guy, whom I had a relationship with for 10 years.. I honestly thought I would never ever experience sex like it again, and used to get quite emotional when I climaxed, it was that intense. However, I was obviously wearing my rose tinted glasses, because I have had just as much, if not better sexual experiences since with someone else.
Don't let it knock your confidence and eat away at you because like I said, you must be doing something right for you to still remain together.
Chin up!!
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A
male
reader, Shortwife  +, writes (19 January 2011):
Bottom line she is with you even though she banged this other guy and liked it that was a long time ago. She respects you enough not to talk about it.put the shoe one the other foot if you had a partner or partners and she was a virgin. So don't hold her past against her she was young.if she is still with you it is because she chooses to.
Has anything ever came out STD With her or you?
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A
male
reader, olderthandirt  +, writes (19 January 2011):
 Been there -done that, the feeling of empty never goes away(47 yrs of marraige to one like yours)
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