A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Hi everyoneI have a really big problem I just can't handle anymore.5 years ago I got married to a woman, my first and only girlfriend I ever had. I really love her and always have. However about 3 years ago I met a woman I was wildly attracted to.At first I tried to ignore it but after a year I gave in and we started sleeping together.At first it was only sex and then things got very romantic and deeply emotional between us. We bot fell in love.One year ago there was a time when I seriously considered leaving my wife for her but somehow I just could not do it. I never talked to my girlfriend about this and it was also around that time that she broke up with me, saying she could not do this anymore.Instead of holding her back and finally comitting to her I did nothing and just accepted the fact.Now my wife recently gave birth to twins and all I can think about(even though over a year has past) is the other woman.I still do love my wife in a way but by now I have found out that the true love of my live is the other woman and that if I had to chose again I would definitely pick her but I could never leave my wife with two newborn kids.No matter what I do to forget the other woman, the more I try the more I long for her.Since we work together it's hard to avoid her and even if I do it only makes the longing worse if i haven't seen her in a while.Please is there anyone who has an idea what I could possibly do about this situation it's driving me crazy.
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): So what now: your wife and babies or your ex lover
A
male
reader, BalticSea +, writes (22 August 2010):
Dear female reader
I am not pissed at you because of what you said.
I do thank you for your input since it did give me some kind of insight.
I asked for advice and so I'm willing to take it no matter whether it's what I like or not.
You did get a few thinngs wrong though.
By third poster I meant someone else whose comment is for some reason deleted by now. Don't know why. I had no idea that that even works.
And then I did see her when she was down and she saw me when I was down as well. We were not only around eachother when we were well. Our work involves a lot of travelling so we did spend entire weeks together. No mistress dreamland.
Anyway thanks for you reply. I honestly mean that.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (22 August 2010): Instead of continuing to be a self absorbed coward why not have a talk with your wife. Tell her you are growing up and pulling in different directions. Tell her about the affair and what is has done to your marriage. You say you love your wife so all is not lost. How can your wife fix the marriage and relationship if she doesn't know it is broken? And YOU broke it so do not have unrealistic expectations. You need to get your head out of the clouds and realize that marriage is hard work. Having an affair is so easy. Just as Carrot2000 has said your mistress never saw the real you , at your worse. So stop whining like a child instead look at your complete life with your wife and kids. If you didn't love your wife then why the hell did you bring 2 unsuspecting innocent souls into a broken marriage? You are pining away for a so called soul mate. Let me tell you soul mates are over rated and people like you dramatize this too much.
I actually feel sorry for your wife. She has no clue that her good husband is ready to throw her and her babies out of his life in order for him to resume sexual relationship with his office lover. I have to tell you something: my brother too thought he has a soul mate. He has also been with his *hore for 8 years BUT somehow he has not left his wife and kids for this woman. Of course his *hire is so understanding, so in tune of his needs, just like yours but when the chips are down, guess who he runs to , to take care of his business, when he is sick, hospitalized too, who does he run to for money for his business. HIS WIFE. So soul mate or not, this other woman is only good enough to lie on her back with her feet in the air. Do you get my meaning. I am sure you are going to be pissed with my words but hey n
Such is life. I find it comical that you lashed out at the 3rd person who did not have anything bad to say really. Btw, looks ike lover husband you have some late nights to look forward to: what with happy changes and the midnightish bottle feeds. Enough to keep tour randy thoughts about your lover at bay. Oh and if you have tis unrealistic expectation that your wife is going to change into a sexy other woman sex kitten you are in for a rude awakening. Welcome to the real world and not this airy fairy mistressland you have been exposed to. Reality check, your mistress bailed because she did not want to work at this 'relationship' , she was one clever woman, too much hard work, just too much hard work. Speaks volumes of your soul mate and her true character, doesn't it. There is a reason for everything happening so stop making yourself think what if, hey what if your babies grow up without you,they may just become better parents themselves. If you want to be spineless then just get out of their lives NOW. You do not deserve them if you are planning to get rid of their mother and themselves for your mistress.
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A
female
reader, Carrot2000  +, writes (22 August 2010):
 "It's not that I don't want to be with my wife it's just that I have deeper feelings for the woman that I had an affair with."
It's easy to fall in love with--or think you're in love with--someone who does not require anything of you. Think about it: you probably only saw this other woman when she was at her best. You've never had to deal with her when she was cramping or cranky. You've never had to deal with bills and in-laws and all of the other unpleasant things that come along with married life. She never had to do your laundry or deal with you farting in bed. You may not have seen her as an escape, but that's exactly what this relationship was. Lucky for her, she was smart enough to realize this and got out. You're the one who is not being realistic.
Look, you didn't leave your wife a year ago because you didn't want to. Missed opportunity or not, you made your choice. It's time for you to stop thinking of yourself and understand that although you feel it was real, there was never a true relationship with this other woman; there couldn't be because you were lying and sneaking around to see her. What is real is your marriage. What is real is your babies. It's time for you to stop dwelling on this fantasy.
Have you considered telling your wife about your affair? What's keeping you from being honest with her?
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (21 August 2010): @ afraidgirl177
It's not that I don't want to be with my wife it's just that I have deeper feelings for the woman that I had an affair with.
Back then I made a mistake by not leaving my wife for her and now I can't correct that mistake because I could have left her when it was just the two of us but not with two kids.
I also don't see my ex-lover as an escape because I fell in love with her before my wife was even pregnant and we were having a perfectly normal marriage by then without any troubles.
I did chose my wife about a year ago and now I would chose different but I can't.
I know it's too late but I can just not imagine a life without my ex lover.
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A
female
reader, mlb123 +, writes (20 August 2010):
As harsh as it sounds...you need to get a grip,right now YOU are your children's entire world...they're relying on you,not this other woman...imagine how torn apart your wife would be.and.put yourself in your.children's and your wife's place...this is reality,be.thankful for what.you have "for better and for worse,and sickness and.in health" ...this is.all up to you now.
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A
female
reader, afraidgirl77 +, writes (20 August 2010):
Chances are you feel the way you feel for this women because she is exactly that..."the other women". She is your way of escaping your wife, your duties at home, etc. You also may be feeling trapped because 1. I doubt you're having much sex with two twins and 2. your wife I'm sure is too caught up with the kids to give you enough time. I can tell you this much- if you leave your wife for her you'll regret it. You'll end up in the same spot with her later on- but you'll also have lost your family in the process. However, if you really feel like you don't want to be with your wife, you should leave her for her sake. It's not fair for her to not be loved and supported the way she should be. She deseves better, and if you love her you'd know this.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (20 August 2010): Thank you catflap1 and Cerberus/Raphael
for your quick and wise replies.
It was helpful indeed to finally just talk about the
problem and get some insight from other people because
at this point I am TRULY upset and helpless.
Thank you as well for not judging me. I really appreciate
your advice.
To the third poster: Don't you dare talking about her like that! I DO love her and I should know. Maybe it did start out as physical but we shared and share honest and deep feelings. If you don't fully understand the problem,
please DON'T post just to let off some steam cause someone once might have cheated on you.
Thanks again for the two other repies I was really grateful to read them.
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A
female
reader, happy24birthday +, writes (20 August 2010):
 Try to invest the energy you're putting and have put into the other womn in your wife and twins. Although you've tried to avoid her, which seems only to make the longing worse, I think you should try harder on that front. I know from experience how hard it is to get someone out of your mind...it's like the harder you try, the more you think of them. Staying busy, preferably with your wife, family activities, should help. Staying uber busy is really the only thing that has ever helped me, tho sometimes it's still hard to focus and MAKE myself stay busy. You cannot shut off your mind, so somehow you have to get it focused on something else.
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A
female
reader, Catflap1  +, writes (20 August 2010):
Go to counselling with your wife and give her the chance to help you decide as a couple what is best in both your interests. The truth needs airing.
If you don't address what is wrong in your marriage your kids may end up without a father anyway. I know someone who was in your situation and she stayed with her husband and is very glad she did now because she has found great happiness with him and it was years ago.
She was very in love with the other man, desperately, but you only get one chance to have a whole family. If you give that up there will be so much pain and anger you will wish you had never met the other woman.
Being in a split family means you lose looking back years later and being glad that you both went through so much. Having twins is bound to make you look back for escape, you must be exhausted. That is why counselling would be a good idea, to help you make sure you don't regret your next steps.
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A
male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (20 August 2010):
 New love is ALWAYS going to feel like true love and usually, it isn't. True love is the love you felt in the first place, for your wife. Instead of spending time with this woman, spend more time with your wife and your two newborn children. Your wife needs you right now! Find ways to spend time with your wife, if possible, make her dinner, just the two of you and then maybe you'll remember why you fell in love with this woman in the first place.
You made the mistake of getting yourself into this by "giving in" to simple attraction when you had a woman who LOVES you right in front of you. As harsh as it may sound, you have to deal with the consequences and that means, dealing with the possible aching you might feel inside but if you do the right thing, it'll pass.
I hope that helps.
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