A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife past away one month ago from today. She has a cousin that reminds me a lot of her. And I'm falling for her. They look alike. But I don't think this is the reason that I'm interested. If I never knew my wife and met this woman, I'd still be hooked. When I was younger I imagined what kind of woman I'd want to be with. And this woman seems to be my fantasy come true. We talk a lot. About many things. What prompted me to write here was that the feeling is overbearing now. She just sent me a photo of a piece of art that she painted. I love art. And this woman is good at it. She and I seem to have so much in common... More than I did with my wife it seems. I guess I'm babbling.Anyway, firstly... is this too soon to be thinking of another woman and furthermore, even if thinking of another woman is ok... what about that other woman being her cousin? I am only 30 years old. So I'm still young and hot blooded... but is this too crazy?
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (13 June 2011):
 You know, some times I regret we are not living anymore in good old fashioned Victorian times- or at least Pre War. Then there was a proper etiquette for every social and personal situation, an adequate and condivisible response to every problem.
In your case for instance. The strict mourning was one year . You would have been wearing black and refusing any social invitations except from the closest memebers of your family. You would not have gone to a party, or to see a play. This in sign of respect, of public aknowledgement that what happened WAS a major loss, and also to give you the time to process and elaborate your feelings in solitude without distractions. Then , you would have had your 6 months of half-mourning in which you would have slowly and tastefully resumed your social life and contacts...but still nothing too all out, no dancing for instance. And then, after that, you would have been "done" and free to do anything you want with everybody's blessing.
Now, everything is fluid, subjective and complicated. Some poster gets shocked and disgusted that you started thinking about how "hotblooded" you are basically just on your way out of the cemetery, and they have the right to see it this way. You get miffed and confrontational because, hey , we don't know you , we cannot know what's going on in your heart, and anyway everybody's different and it's your business only after all. And you are right too.
That's were good ol' social control would get into play.
100 years ago, or maybe just 50 ,or 30 in some parts of the world, you would have said " I miss my wife and I need to think about some pretty young cousin to feel better and get my juices flowing again " And the choral response would have been : AND ?... Tough luck pal, that's your problem. There's not only you in this world, there are other people who are impoetant too, - your friends, community, society at large, your wife's parents and siblings- even the cousin , that might find your interest troubling and inappropriate. Pay your dues of respect, use this year to clear your mind, soothe your heart and decide for a new course in life THEN you start pursuing romance again.
Ah the good ol' times. It must have been reassuring to know for sure what you were supposed to do.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (13 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the question@Anonnymous...
"I'd wait longer if you have children, you don't mention that. "
No we didn't have children
"My dad died when I was 10, and I would have been absolutely disgusted if my mum had only waited a month before jumping in the sack with someone else."
Don't lump me in with your mummy/daddy issues. People are different. And react differently.
"You don't mention loving or missing your wife at all, and that's disgraceful."
I loved my wife more than a seemingly short sighted person like could ever imagine. She was diagnosed with cancer 3 months after we were married and was there for her every step of the way. I lived through this with her and made sure to make her smile every day. Even on the bad days. So don't you dare judge people so blindly.
I asked this question because I wanted some advice on a specific issue in my life. I did not feel that I needed to explain my life story. Most of the responses here were not encouraging me to date the cousin. In fact they made me think about the real reason I was interested. Which is "I MISS MY WIFE". And this person who looks and acts like her was an easy substitute. The responses here have helped me to realize that I need to be careful. To relax and grieve a bit more. But your response was just one from a bitter and judgmental person who gave little thought to any underlying issues.
So let me once again thank all the other respondents and my friend I urge you to learn to hold your tongue(or fingers) and try to think a bit further than your eyes can see!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice. And you guys are right. I am very prone to making mistakes right now. She does remind me of my wife and it's very possible that I am seeing what I want to see and maybe even "inventing" signals that really indicate that she's just being a good friend. I will work on that friendship but will take my time on romantic possibilities with her or any other women for that matter for now.
Thanks again
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A
male
reader, wantspaintogoaway +, writes (12 June 2011):
 No i dont think it is crazy. I would suggest you take a bit more time to mourn her death before going for a relationship. I wish you luck
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): I'd wait longer if you have children, you don't mention that. My dad died when I was 10, and I would have been absolutely disgusted if my mum had only waited a month before jumping in the sack with someone else. She waited 8 years - because SHE LOVED HIM. You don't mention loving or missing your wife at all, and that's disgraceful. Dating her COUSIN would just add insult to injury for anyone else involved, and she would be a terrible cousin and you a terrible husband to do so.
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A
female
reader, followtheblackrabbit  +, writes (12 June 2011):
 First, I am sorry for your loss, it is never easy knowing how to deal after...But what worries me a bit is the elapse of time. Everyone grieves differently of course but before you date again, I would hope that you get in touch with underlying feelings. You might think you're ok and ready but believe me, the unresolved issues can hit out of nowhere. Also, out of respect for your late wife and her family, don't start something after a single month. This could greatly add to their pain. Please, take some time for yourself. You love art? Browse museums, paint, take art lessons and travel to places of beautiful scenery for inspiration. Keep a journal and if you have one, talk to your spiritual advisor or talk to a counselor. Again, there's nothing wrong with you-we're all different but before taking a step towards a new relationship, walk a mile on your own and heal. Keep a light friendship and ensure that this isn't an infatuation stemmed from your loss. Hope this helps
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A
male
reader, the_phoenic  +, writes (12 June 2011):
if you find love with a right personfollow your heart and there is nothing wrong that this women is your wife's cousinGood Luck
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2011): No this isn't crazy you miss contact and the closeness of your wife and you are lonely. speak to this woman and be friends but take things slowly you are still grieving and confused. in time it will sort itself out, good luck for the future.
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A
female
reader, Tyedyedturtle +, writes (12 June 2011):
 You're grieving. It's only been one month. You even said she reminds you of your wife in certain ways. Take it slow and don't jump in too fast. She might be trying to befriend you and extend a helpful hand. Be thankful for her friendship for now. Take your time.
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