A
male
age
41-50,
*attJimm
writes:My wife keeps telling me they are "just friends", but I'm not sure that's all he wants.My wife has been hanging out with this guy for a little under a year now. They regularly hang out with a few other people on Thursday nights to watch TV/movies and such. But recently they've been spending more time together on a one on one basis.I've met him and hung out with him a several different occasions, and his back story is a tough one.Basically he's still living at his parents at the age of 30, has had a really bad relationship in his past and has self-esteem issues.Now, my wife has been attempting to help him out by giving him advice and hanging out with him, but I'm afraid that she may be sending mixed signals by doing so.When I speak with him, I feel as though he's just playing nice with me because I'm the husband. That I'm just being kept at bay so he can see my wife without any problems. This would go along with the theory that no guy really has a female friend without some sort of attraction.She's been spending a lot of time with him on the phone and via text messages, and I've been feeling kind of left out as of late. I've been trying to come to terms with the situation and just let it go. I trust her in this situation, but still worry about her in his company.Case in point: last Saturday, my wife, her friend, my sister and I went out to a car show in the area. The entire time she and he were carrying on while I was on the outskirts of the conversation. Thats ok, I dealt with it. However, afterwards we went to a restaurant for something to eat and he had a couple of strong drinks.Now, we all know that alcohol lowers inhibitions...this is where it began.Apparently he reached under the table with his leg and ran his foot up my sisters leg. Obviously she immediately said something about it and he got this surprised look on his face and said "Oh, I didn't know that was you."This concerned me on multiple fronts.Firstly, I doubt he's going to try and play footsie with my sister whom he's only just recently met, drunk or not. So with the alcohol in him, I can only conclude that he was reaching for my wife.I'm not cool with that.She doesn't think that he has any kind of "other" agenda and keeps telling me that I'm only over reacting and that he's harmless.What do I do?
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female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Watching a movie in his bedroom in the dark??? Jeeezus... what sort of signals is she sending him? Can she not see that? She is totally disrespecting you doing something like this, it is out of order... period!
You are right to have a talk with him. Be calm but assertive and let him know you think he is spending far too much time with your wife and you'd like it to stop! It is up to HIM to make himself less available to her. If he wants to meet up for a drink with you BOTH sometimes, then fine but spending time alone together in his bedroom is crossing the line!
I totally agree with Eddie, you are not trying to control her, you are defending your relationship here. If something were to develop in the future then you would kick yourself for not doing something about it sooner! Let your wife know there are boundaries and SHE is overstepping the boundary going up to his bedroom to watch a movie! What the hell is she thinking of?????
The reason she became his friend in the first place was to help him over his bad relationship, to help him to be more assertive. I think she's done her job now. If your wife has any respect for your feelings then she'll put a stop to this. Have that talk with him and let him know your concerns and let him know you do not think it appropriate that your wife sits up in his bedroom alone with him albeit to watch a movie! At least this way he sees you are very aware of what's going on and hopefully he will heed what you are telling him and back off!
Eve
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Don't put all the blame on the other guy. Your wife is usuing poor judgement if she feels it's appropriate to be up in the guys room watching movies in the dark. She's a married lady, first! And no, you don't totally trust her either. AT least she's giving you reason to question her actions, and so you should. This doesn't mean you're restricting her friends or what she does, it just means your defending your relationship.
Again you can say that you trust her but she's stepping into the gray area here and things often happen. IT just smells wrong. I don't like to put restictions on people either but these are things that most married people don't do. It's a step in the wrong direction. Where would the line be drawn? Could she go away for a weekend with him...because they're just friends? Would she go over to her friends home if his parents were gone?
I guarantee you this. If you're noticing this, so are others. Whether that matters to you is up to you. What would your wife think if she had a sister and her sisters husband was going off to soe womans house and spending time up in his room. She would at least tell her sister. Why? Because it smells BAD. She doesnt want to admit it though because this is about her.
IF you were the type of guy who said...you don't go out without me....you don't talk to other guys...you can't do this or that, you'd be controlling, You've been nothing but easy going and it sounds like she is enjoying toomuch freedom. It's possible that this is all in your imagination BUT things can and do get out of control. You're correct to question this.
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A
male
reader, MattJimm +, writes (6 March 2007):
MattJimm is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI wish I was able to spend Thursday nights with them, but I have to work second shift due to school.Thats quite another thing. I'm second shift and they're both first shifters. Henceforth they actually have the time to hang out with each other while I (if I'm lucky) get one weekend day per week.So yeah, I do feel a bit jealous that he gets to see my wife more than I do.Otherwise, I did talk with my wife about it earlier today (awkward conversation) and she doesn't feel like he really has an agenda, but said that she is willing to cut contact with him save for the Thursday group nights as she doesn't want me to worry about her and puts our relationship above any others.This is all great news, but I kind of feel a catch 22 coming on as well.Sure, her not hanging out with him will solve a lot of the worrying about whats going on when I'm not there; but I also don't want to be controlling of her life. She should be free to have friends and I don't want to become the overbearing husband that tells her what she can or can't do. I guess I would feel like she's only doing it because I want it done. I don't really like that feeling either.[oh, I forgot to mention something else that kind of disturbed me: she went over to his house (living with parents again) and ended up watching a movie with him...in his bedroom...in the dark. Red warning flags flew up faster than heartburn from taco bell]I've also asked her what it would be like on the other foot, but she's told me that it doesn't really matter; that she trusts me to make the right decision. The problem is, it's not the "trusting to make the right decision that's bothering me", I trust that she's not going to do anything. It's him that I don't trust at this point.Right now I am rolling the idea in my head to have a talk with him tomorrow. I intend to be very diplomatic about it but make it a man to man discussion. Mind you, I don't expect to hear the exact truth if he is indeed attracted to my wife, but I would like to know his explanation for the "leg thing" and know further if he does, in reality, harbor feelings toward her that are more than "friendly" in nature.He can be a nice guy, I'll give him that. But if he can't convince me that he can control his feelings towards the woman I love, this has got to stop.Any advice on how to deal with him and make him understand my misgivings?(P.S. sorry about the book...I personally would have waited for the movie)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 March 2007): The leg feel under the table has me deeply concerned and it was totally inappropriate for a friend to be doing that. Even if he missed and did it to your sister-the intent was clear on his part. You're not over-reacting, so trust your instincts, here. These are the little warning signs, we clue into when things are not the way they should be. Please don't ignore them. I agree with the other Aunts...tell her again, how you feel and stand firm. Set a boundary. Tell her you don't like what he's up to and you are seeing what he is doing like most men would-he's coming on hard and fast to your wife. Ask her to cool the friendship for awhile-no contact and then see if she can do it-gage her reaction. Even if it is true that her intentions are in the right place, what she is doing is completely disrespectful to the meaningfulness of your marriage, and you have every reason to feel the way you feel. She is your wife and it's your job to make sure she understands that. If the tables were turned she'd likely be screaming loudly. She may be the innocent here, but he's plainly not so innocent! (especially, in lieu of the 'leg thing') If he really is caring, decent, worthwhile friend to your wife, he wouldn't putting her in this situation. He wouldn't fathom doing anything to jeopardize her marriage and happiness, because he cares for her, as a friend. This man is not sincere. Ask your wife, if she would hang out with someone who slapped or punched you in the face and hurt you? She likely say No. But, yet she sees no problem hanging out with a "friend" who has wounded her husband's trust in his wife and marriage. explain to her how some men view a woman's intentions at friendship. Many men tend to sexualize every female they see--friendship or not. That's just human nature. Stand strong and tell her to stop seeing this guy. A good marriage partner would never do anything to bring suspicion and pain to the other's sense of safety and security within the relationship. You need to tell her that. Hopefully, he'll back off and proves that he does care as a good friend for both of you, by not wanting to see yours and her marriage blown up over this. I think it's time for you to 'talk turkey' here and be strong. Keep us updated on what happens and I sincerely wish you the best of luck, dear.
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (6 March 2007):
Your wife was there for him when he needed her, he had a bad relationship in the past and had self esteem issues. He doesn't NEED her any longer so she needs to withdraw from him a good bit and let him get on with his life now.
Be upfront with your wife. Let her know it hurts you to see how often they text one another. Tell her you're beginning to feel invisible at times. Let her know that although you trust her you DON'T trust him and explain about the running the foot up the leg issue. There were only 2 women there right... and if it wasn't meant for your sister that only leaves one person. YOUR WIFE! It was devious and sneaky of him and bang out of order!
Let your wife know you're not happy with the situation and ask her how she'd feel if you had a "woman friend" you went out with all the time. Even if you wife isn't interested in him (which I don't think she is) HE is most certainly interested in her and in my opinion it's only a matter of time till things come to a head here.
She needs to withdraw from him now, he doesn't NEED her anymore!
Eve
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2007): I wonder how she would like it if the shoe was on the other foot. She is unreasonable and as for him, he`s making a fool of you. Let him find a woman of his own and lets see how he`d react if she showed the same disrespect to him that they show to you. Sorry to say it but i think there`s mutual affection and if they havent slept together, they soon will.
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A
male
reader, eddie +, writes (5 March 2007):
First of all, many people will say you should trust, don't be foolish, give her her freedom etc. Those things are all true. At the same time, she's YOUR wife, not his girlfriend. Since you can never prove he was trying to touch your wifes leg, you can't argue that point. BUT, he was trying to touch someones leg....If he didn't know your sister very well and the other woman was your wife.........hmmmm.... It doesn't matter who has the agenda. You see, he might be stroking her ego. She likes the attention and goes back for more. She tells herself it's OK because she knows where to draw the line. He sees it as a weakness and contimnues to draw her deeper.
It's possible your wife is feeling motherly towards him and he's pushing her buttons. Anything is possible. Obviously you were a good guy and let the friendship develop this far. That means you were trusting and not controlling. I do though put some stock in your feelings about this, based on his actions and their desire to spend alone time together. I don't really believe in married males and females spending alone time with another person. Not much anyway and it would certainly depend on the situation.
Since you dont sound controlling I'd say your take on this might be true. Not many men would spend too much time texting and calling another man's wife. I wouldn't be happy if my wife was having this extended relationship with another guy. Why do things feel bad? Because they potentially are. Nobody can argue that. Yo've given her freedom andthey're starting to take advantage of it. Have they crossed the line, who knows.
In closing, nobody really knows the truth except them. You started out on the right foot and it sounds like things are getting out of hand a little. You have every right to wonder. You know her best and sometimes are gut tells us the truth. Why don't you hang out with them on Thursdays? Try your best to watch the situation and see what develops.
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A
female
reader, Ask Heather +, writes (5 March 2007):
 I understand your concerns; I don`t think there is any hidden agenda from your wife`s side, but I can see what you`re saying about this male friend of hers. Although it could all be innocent, yes, he may be making a play for her. I think, as she`s listened to his life story, and she`s a very caring person, that she is trying to care about & support this guy. He may, though have other ideas. I don`t suggest you demand that your wife stop seeing him or anything that drastic; but perhaps suggest to her that it may be an idea for her to not see quite so much of him lest he get to rely on her too much etc. Obviously if he spends a lot of time with YOUR wife, he won`t be going out looking for a relationship of his own; and will never have his OWN wife! I would tackle this very carefully, as I don`t think your wife has done anything wrong, just shown her caring side. If your concerns continue to grow, you could always say something like; much as you admire & respect your wife for her great friendly nature, that you have been left feeling a little neglected yourself, and would appretiate it if she were to have better focus on you and her marriage. I wish you both well, Kind Regards, Heather.
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