A
female
age
41-50,
*ooking4answers
writes:What should I do to help my husband learn how to not lie to me!????I have been married for almost 2 years now. I truely love my husband, although these days it is getting harder and harder for me to love him as a wife is to love her husband. I feel more like a "mother" to him. And currently we are no longer sleeping in the same bed b/c I have kicked him out of the bedroom for the time being. I did so because he has been hiding money from me, buying lotto tickets and hiding them. He has lied about eating or what he eats for lunch. And the list goes on! Some are bigger lies, others are just ridiculous! I do not know why he is lying to me! He says he knows it is wrong, he does not want to lie to me, but he just does. And the big one that is really scaring me is he admitted that he thought of suicide twice since we have known each other! He said though that he thought of me and could not do it b/c he loves me. I don't know if this is true. I think he may have lied about this for attention, but I am not sure. He says things to me about how sometimes he'll lie because he does not want me to get mad or didn't think I would aprove. And for years (since I met him) I remind him how much I love him, and that he does not need my approval for things but instead I would like to make decisions together, but it is wrong to lie to me about anything! I tell him that he should trust me to be more understanding and that I will not always get mad. I mean sure yeah I am human and somethings may upset me, but I remind him that we will work it out. That I love him. And still yet today he is saying the same thing to me. I have tried everything in the book! I have tried reverse phsycology. Pretending it didn't bother me. I tried saying it was my fault not his. When I have done these things he really looked sorry. He appeared to know it was wrong what he did. But w/i a few weeks he is back to the non motivated always lying man again. I have tried giving him visuals to know right from wrong. If I caught him in a lie I'd lightly slap him on the cheek and say that's what lying does to me and when he would be honest with me I would give him a very passionate kiss and tell him how I enjoyed it when he was honest. This seemed to work on and off. But I pretty much gave up on that b/c it is just so hard for me to want to slap my husband! I couldn't do it! In the begining of our marriage I used to yell at him about how he made me feel but I began to notice it would make him lie even more than he did. So I have learned to vent my stress w/o yelling. Currently today I have learned to stay completely calm w/ him. When he hurts me enough to where I can not stand looking at him that's when he sleeps on the couch. But I will continue being his friend I will just allow him to talk to me. I ask him questions why he lies. I am hoping some day he will feel comfortable being fully honest. I hope someday he will feel confident about himself, about our marriage. I have also given him a notebook and showed him how writing all your feelings may help. I suppose I am just hopelessly in love and expecting the unexpected. It is easy to feel like that! But he has grown up w/ lies his whole life. When I began to know his family I have seen many times his parents lie to each other daily! They lie to my husband all the time and to me. So I suppose after years of seeing lies be a normal part of life it would be hard to break the habbit. What holds me strong is knowing how much he does love me. That I know is not a lie. I could see how much he loved me from the day we met. I also do my best in fitting God's word into our life. I feel a strong relationship with God would give him the strength to change. I would love for everyones thoughts, ideas and any questions you may have.
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female
reader, aunty t  +, writes (9 March 2007):
 You say here that he treats you like his mother but frankly in some of the things you have said you are treating him like a child. I can understand why you are doing this you must be at your wits end. Smacking him on the cheek and making him sleep on the couch is not helping him or you. He is being punished like a child. I do agree that this problem stems from his childhood and it is such a hard habit for him to break. Why do you ask him what he had to eat for lunch he is a grown man and if he has no medical condition that he should avoid certain foods he should eat what he wants. I dont think your husband feels like a man but more like a child. He is gaining your attention everytime you confront him about lying. There is one thing that concerns me and this is about him contemplating suicide. This is a cry for help and maybe this is beyond you. He may need professional help to find the root of his problem but he is obviously very unhappy inside. I think you need to change your approach to him totally. Start asking for his advice on grown up issues such as money, bills etc. He needs to feel that he can get attention without telling lies.
A
female
reader, AskEve  +, writes (6 March 2007):
 Okay, I get the feeling your husband has had quite a sad childhood and lied to get attention. It may be he was from a large family and felt invisible and he's made up these lies because he sees it gets him attention or makes him feel important. There are many reasons people lie... sometimes they may feel ashamed of something that they don't feel is good enough or don't feel good enough about who they are, often people lie as a defense to make themselves feel better. Some people lie because it makes them seem more important and interesting.
Talk to him about it. Ask him why he lies and how it makes him feel. Don't shout at him though, that will only make him a hundred times worse, he'll feel low and worthless and lie even more to get on your good side. Ask him, does lying make him feel powerful, accepted, does it get him more attention? Let him know you are so proud of him when he is truthful with you and it makes you really happy. Boost his confidence, that's what he's needing! Say to him the more he lies for any reason, the more likely he is to be regarded by you and all his friends as not trustworthy and unreliable and point out that you're sure he'd hate that. Let him know that sometimes it's harder to tell the truth, even if it means getting into trouble for it but people will respect him more nevertheless and let him know you admire him so much more for being honest with you, even if you're not happy with the truth, the fact he TOLD the truth makes you happy.
Look at the story of the boy who cried wolf... he pretended a wolf was coming for the sheep and shouted Wolf Wolf... all the townsfolk ran out of their homes to ward it off, he did it again and again all the townsfolk ran out of their homes to get rid of it. Now the third time, when a wolf really DID come into the field and the boy shouted Wolf Wolf, no one believed him and continued what they were doing. Some of the sheep were killed because of this and the boy was no longer respected by the townsfolk.
So to sum up, his lying is because of insecurity, and low self esteem. Boost him up by telling him things you DO like about him. Let him see he's important and that he really matters. Make him feel worthy and praise him (just like a child) when he tells you a truth. In time his lies should lessen and eventually leave him as he is happy with who he is and he sees that there are other qualities about him that you love!
Eve
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