A
male
age
41-50,
*igger81
writes:I have been married for a couple of years now and most things are fine but I find my wife is lazy. This laziness does not extend to her work, as she works very hard and for long hours (we both do), its every other aspect of our lives she is lazy. I find around the house she never cleans unless asked, when I get sent away for work the house turns into a mess and I end up cleaning it. If there is work to do around the house I have to ALWAYS be the one to initiate the work. She will help if asked but once I get sent away for work anything I start she never finishes, even though she promises she will. TO add to the stress she is terrible with money. Despite having always made more money than me (about $8000 more) I find I am paying off her debts. Even on our days off if we plan to go somewhere its up to me to make sure we get up and ready on time.We have talked about this many times and she says she will try to get better but despite these promises she has not improved. She even tried counseling but it didn't work. It seems she can't do anything that requires sustained effort. As a result of this I have lost a lot of attraction to her and I am never interested in sex with her as I am starting to view her as someone I have to look after and not my wife. I don't know what to do. Any help would be appreciated.
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female
reader, Miamine  +, writes (10 November 2011):
 Sigh...
There are morning people and there are night people... when they get married they often fight. I'm messy.. VERY MESSY... and I'm never on time. That's my personality. Not great for the guy I'm with, but then again I have other qualities that mean it's not an issue.
Your wife is just messy. You knew this when you married her, but you married her and now you want to change her.
You say "As a result of this I have lost a lot of attraction to her and I am never interested in sex with her as I am starting to view her as someone I have to look after and not my wife" You married a messy woman who is bad with money. You knew this. Now you are withholding sex and trying to punish her for the way she is. That doesn't sound very loving to me. Sounds like you want her to drive her away.
When a tidy person marries a messy person, or a someone who likes to party marries someone who likes to stay at home, compromises must be made by both people if they want to stay married. Stopping sex is a very bad idea, you won't stay married long if this is how you solve your marriage problems.
What can you do? Accept she is a messy person who is bad with money. But she's more than that. She also has beautiful hair, lovely eyes, a kind heart, a wonderful smile. (fill in your own reason for why you married her) You didn't marry her to be your housekeeper or because she could make you rich. Accept her for what she is, good and bad, faults and all.
I don't know why she needs to go counselling. You can't use counselling to make someone tidy and save money.
Together, write down all the money coming in and out. It's always best to have three bank accounts. One for you, one for her, and one for the household bills. If she earns more, then she should put more in the household account. Each of you will then have your own pot of money to spend as you wish. You shouldn't really be paying of her bills if she is working and earning more than you. That (very rightly) makes you resentful. You each should have your own allowance and if she overspends, then she should work it out by getting a loan, a second job or borrowing the money of you and then paying it back. Maybe she should think about getting a better job, as this one has long hours and she doesn't get paid enough. If she really is that bad at money, then you should have all her wages and give her a small allowance which only covers her needs and nothing more.
Do a financial review of your situation together, go to the bank and ask them for help with this. They will help you to prepare a budget, which is more fair to all of you. Regularly review your finances together, and this will help you both see when she is getting in trouble, or where she is wasting money. Yes she needs help with this. But that's what marriage is about, helping each other and making each other stronger by being together.
Do the same with the cleaning. Draw up a timetable with chores and tasks for each of you. You do your work, and leave her to do hers. Do not clean up after her. If she leaves her stuff around, do what my father used to do to me.. Anything not put away, goes straight in the bin. Do not be angry because you have to tell her to clean. You are a clean man, you are lucky in this. She does not have this ability. Also cleaning together rather than alone is fun.
She may not be clean and she may be bad with money, but you also have your faults. (as seen by some of your sharp words you have written here)
Either you accept her, work together to fix what can be fixed, or you might as well walk away right now. It's only been a couple of years, and already you can't have sex with your wife. It really does sound like you married someone without really knowing them or even liking them very much.
I'm a messy woman.. but as my ex (very tidy, clean man) once said as he held me tenderly... "I don't bloody care about the mess, your more important, now give me a kiss and lets go to bed, we can clean house tomorrow, together".
Nobody ever put "My house was the cleanest" on their grave.
Leave her or work with her, but what's the point of pulling away, going without sex and blaming her for everything. It takes two to make a marriage, and all marriage are about compromise and doing the best you can.
A
female
reader, charliesdevil73  +, writes (8 November 2011):
 So very confused brings up a good point. Could your wife be ADHD? I really believe my husband is and he is similar to your wife on the laziness scale. He actually told me once that he used to wonder if he was ADHD and told me detailed lists help him. Now, when I make a to do list, I make sure it is extremely detailed. I add extra info to make sure it's done right. It's helped us a lot. Hopefully you two can find something that works for you both.
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A
male
reader, digger81 +, writes (6 November 2011):
digger81 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks all. Keeping a messy house and being bad with money has long been a problem before I was on the scene (she mentioned during university her house was so messy she was embarrassed to have friends over). She went to a proper psychologists but I don't think the psychologist was a good fit. She is searching for another now. My main issue is the broken promises.As for 'A female reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011)'Try reading the whole thing before answers. Her debts mean we cannot afford help, also why is it acceptable that I am able to work the same hours and clean etc but she isn't? Is it because I am male and she is female? Grow up, I don't accept sexism against females or males alike. This has nothing to do with gender roles, its about a relationship being a partnership of equals.
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A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (6 November 2011):
 Sounds EXACTLY LIKE me and my partner.
I have ADHD... it's not that I'm lazy it's that I can't manage to get my brain organized enough.
People think that ADHD means we can't pay attention but it runs much deeper than that... it's about relationships and money management (seriously many ADHD folks cannot manage money I know I can't I make way more than my partner and he just paid off all my debt and put me on a budget that I can now stick to)
Tasks... I have a list and I work from that when he's not around.
when you give her lists are they things like
clean up the garage? or do you break it down to smaller tasks. maybe she needs smaller bites of stuff to deal with...
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A
female
reader, person12345 +, writes (6 November 2011):
 You should hire someone to clean. It's not hugely expensive in most places to just get someone to come in every other week or so. If you're both working long hours it would solve that.
Like someone else said, she sounds like she might be suffering from depression. She may want to go see a psychiatrist (someone with an MD who can prescribe medication) to see if there's something she can do to fix it.
She's not lazy if she works hard at work, there's obviously either something affecting her in her marriage or she's suffering from depression or something else is wrong.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): You mentioned your wife went to counseling ... did she see a counselor of a psychiatrist? It's possible your wife is suffering from depression or some type of anxiety about homelife. A regular family counselor can't prescribe antidepressants, but a psychiatrist can. Ask her to try to see a psychiatrist. However, I will say, if your wife isn't depressed and she doesn't see her self as lazy -- maybe just having different priorities as you -- counseling probably won't help, unless it's couples' therapy (which would probably be good for you to attend, too).
I don't think your wife is lazy. If she were lazy, she wouldn't work hard at her job everyday. She would quit work and let you be the breadwinner while she sat at home or shopped.
Please try talking to your wife. Something might be bothering her that she hasn't told you about (something with your relationship, something with her health, etc.) The only way to solve this problem is through open communication.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 November 2011): She works very hard, long hours and you expect her to work around the house too? Wow. Just wow. If you both are working so much, you must be making good money. Why don't you hire some help?
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A
female
reader, kendra30752richardz +, writes (6 November 2011):
 Oh wow! It sounds like there's a bigger issue for her than just simple laziness. I'd be trying to get to the root of why she feels the need to do these things. Ask her what triggers her impusle shopping. I hate to say it, but some people are just plain irresponsible. They don't mind a messy home and they don't care to blow money. It's hard to change that in a person, but a lot of times people do it because they're lacking in other areas of their lives. Clearly she isn't just a lazy person or she certainly wouldn't bother going to work. Maybe she needs something more, something to look forward to every once in a while? I really would try very hard to not let this cause you to be less attracted to her. It'd be a shame to end a marriage with someone you love. :( Maybe she needs more attention from you? I hope you guys get things worked out! Best of luck.
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A
male
reader, MikeEa1 +, writes (6 November 2011):
 I get this as I reckon my wife was way less active than me. to some extent this is offset by a mans need to look after his wife, but when it goes beyond the call of duty one wonders why one is doing it. you want a partner to pull their weight but sometimes they don't know how much they weigh. men are just as bad, don't think I'm blaming women, although i'd like to. when one partner makes more effort than the other unless its compensated in some way then there will be a problem. the compensation cannot be bribery, it must be something more. what do you think?
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