A
male
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hey guys. First of all, I'm gay and I've been in a relationship with a really great guy for 8 months. Unfortunately, he and I have been fighting a lot lately and I don't know what to do to bring us back to normal. Even though I'm gay, I'm a pretty traditional and hoplessly romantic guy. I'm very much into the courting process and chivalry and doing other little things to make sure my boyfriend knows I'm thinking about him. He, on the other hand, is more of a free spirited partyer and has a harder time expressing his feelings than I do. Even though we really are polar opposites, we have always made it work.But lately, it's almost like we can't be in the same room without fighting. Perhaps I'm being overly critical but it seems like he is purposely doing things to upset me. For instance, even though he has no interest in girls he'll kiss and make out with his girl friends just for the heck of it. He says that it doesn't matter because I have nothing to worry about, but it just bothers me so much. He just acts so inconsiderate sometimes - like he'll change or cancel plans with me last minute and act like he can't fit me into his "busy" schedule. In return, I've just been ignoring him - mainly because I'm trying to avoid anymore monumental fights.So basically, I'm tired of fighting. I can't help but wonder if our relationship has run its course or if we're just in a funk. I honestly love him too much to break up with him, I just really need to know how to get us back to normal. Any advice? Thoughts? Thank you all!! Reply to this Question
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male
reader, AvgGuy1 +, writes (9 November 2011):
 Abella pretty much has it nailed.
I would add... if you're not already living together - just break up with him. You don't need the obvious mental/psychological abuse and can probably find someone who better meets your needs (and most likely theirs).
A
male
reader, aaringurl  +, writes (6 November 2011):
Abella said it all.
I'll just add that, maybe he is in a phase? But I'm feeling more that he's trying to find a way to break up. Maybe the love had died? But it's clearly not in your end of the bridge cuz, as you've said, you've been trying to save the relationship.
But do keep in mind, that when all things fail, you have yourself, and only yourself to count on. So if you sly away everything you have (love, emotions, sanity) then what's left?
Be wary of the things to come, maybe his attitude is a prelude of a horrid break-up, or just a test you two have to overcome.
Just keep your hopes up, and try as much as possible to save things. When you feel like you can't take it much longer, then I guess it's time to move on.. =(
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A
female
reader, Abella +, writes (6 November 2011):
 Some Guys do this. (some hetrosexual and some gay guys - but not all)
It is not very brave nor honorable. Much nicer if they courage to sit you down and tell you how they are really feeling. And why they want to break up.
So instead they pick a fight. And another fight. And another. Over little little petty things.
Designed to wear you down.
My hairdresser told me that his guy did this in the weeks before they broke up.
If he suggested one color for the walls the other guy would launch into why what color was not it. If he suggested one recipe his guy would ridicule his choice.
Because the aim is to make the guy (the one picking the fights) look good. So that you will get the message and leave.
Then he can act the victim and say, "What did I do? See, I'm the wronged one. He left me". Forgetting of course to say WHY the guy left them.
The writing is on the wall, And he needs to be more honest and honorable with you. If he is just in a rut and feeling a little miserable then he needs to talk it through with you. Or see his Doctor for Depression.
But not keep you in the dark. It is unsettling.
Because I am a hopeless romantic I too would be very upset if my guy decided to start kissing (flirting/romantically) girls he knew or if he kissed guys he knew (the latter unlikely, but thought it fair to try to empathise with your situation - he is not kissing other guys. Perhaps he feels girls don't "count" in his book, but either way it is fairly shallow behavior on his part, IMHO.
And Yes, he is way too inconsiderate. You should be his primary focus. If he makes plans to meet you, then I will allow one, maybe two cancellations. But if it becomes a pattern the it is becoming disrespectful of you and inconsiderate.
Step back for a bit. Look after yourself. If he cancells then do something nice for you. If he is late home curl up with a book. Say good evening. Wait to see his mood. When you finally feel his mood is receptive then approach him for a non-judgemental "chat"
if he starts to be argumentative get up and walk out of the room, with the parting remark that you will speak when he has calmed down, and without further comment.
Keep it calm, but do ready yourself for either a slight or moderate improvement in his behavior (if you really are important to him)
OR
Start organising your possessions and think about where you will live and how you will re-organise your life. It is horrible I know. But you do not need to put up with inconsiderate, cavalier and disrepectful behavior on his part.
Best Wishes
Abella
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