A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:Ive been married to my gorgeous wife for 7 years. Im very insecure about other men eyeing her up in public. When we go out she looks amazing, the trouble is this makes me feel very uncomfortable as im constantly being hyper-vigilent to see if any blokes are looking at her. I cant relax, lets just say were in a pub and and group of blokes are there, i will constantly be eyeballing the blokes as well as my wife to see if any eye contact is being made or any remarks being made by the blokes. If she goes the toilet i worry and become very alert incase a bloke hits on her. Its got that bad i avoid pubs. Clubs etc. My wife has no idea i feel this way and i dare not tell her...(please dont suggest i do! Coz i wont!) my wife has told me on many occasions that men ogle her in public, when she tells me this i just laugh and say 'i hope you told them to naff off' However deep down im fuming!! Please can you give me some advice. This will destroy our marriage if i dont act soon as its restricting doing the things we both enjoy doing...(going pubs etc) Also!... some advice on how to deal with the low lifes who ogle my wife when im out with her. I dont wanna resort to violence...something witty to make them look small would be good. Thank you for reading and i hope you can help me.
View related questions:
insecure, violent Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, Too Sensitive  +, writes (13 January 2009):
I wonder if your wife mentioned to you that these guys "ogle" her b/c she wondered if you noticed. I wonder if she wanted you to acknowledge it, b/c she wondered whether or not you cared that they do this? Someone who is so confident that they seem to not care, can make us feel as though they do not care. That is my take on it, anyway.
I think you should calmly let her know that you see these men "ogling" her and though you are not crazy about it, you know it happens. I think she will be flattered by your little bit of insecurity and jealousy. Maybe in time you will be able to share with her the full extent to which you feel this. It may be endearing to her to have you open up to her in this way. I think once you tell her, you will be able to release this feeling from inside you, and it will not plague you so much. I think she told you that she is aware of these men ogling her b/c she wanted to make sure you were aware of it. By not reacting to it at all, she wasn't sure if you even cared that they were doing this. It's not that she wants you to be jealous or insecure about it - she just wants reassurance on your feelings. If she thinks you don't care at all that they are doing this, then she may wonder whether or not you even care if she acted upon these oglings. Not that she is thinking of cheating or flirting, but she may just need to be reassured that you would not want her to do such a thing. Sometimes we tend to take things for granted, to assume the other person knows how we feel, when in fact it is time to revisit, reinforce, restate, reassure.
Always be as affectionate as you can be with her, even in public (but at home too, otherwise she will feel as though it's only a show for others). Always, every single day, compliment her in some way. Let her know how beautiful, how gorgeous, she is to you. Show her, not just in sexual ways, but non-sexual ways as well, just how much she means to you. Always make sure she knows how you feel about her.
Have you ever had a conversation with her on the subject of cheating? I think every couple should do this if they haven't already. Both need to be on the same page on this topic, have limits and set boundaries on what is acceptable behavior and what is not acceptable behavior with someone other than your spouse or partner. It is not good to make assumptions here, but some people do, and it gets them into troubled waters later, b/c the spouses/partners had different ideas as to what was acceptable. If you haven't, then you should, and I think it will help relieve your mind. Even if you have had this conversation, I think it's a good idea to revisit from time to time. It can help reinforce your feelings and thoughts for one another, too.
Maybe you could also try acknowledging these men ogling your wife in a humorous way, to diffuse the feelings you're having. It will let her know you've noticed, which is possibly what she wants, without revealing just how much it bothers you. You could say something like, "I see those guys looking at you, and I can't blame them, but they need to remember that you're coming home with me, honey (baby, sweetheart, whatever pet name you call her)!". I can imagine that if I were you, I too would be fuming if the opposite sex were constantly eyeballing her that way. In one way it's flattering, b/c yes, she is gorgeous, and she is going home with you, but in another, it's disrespectful - to both of you.
If you can get yourself to a place where you can ignore it, great, but I realize that won't be easy. It's a shame you no longer go out, so it has obviously gotten to you on a very deep level.
If you don't resolve this soon, it will continue to plague you and affect you negatively. If you don't continue to go out, she will at some point start to question this, and it will ultimately have a negative impact on your relationship. It will progress to out-of-control paranoia and fear, b/c you cannot possibly be with her 24/7. You will start to fret about what's going on when you're not around, I think. It will build up and make you angry, and you will explode inappropriately at some point. I know you don't want to, but I really think you need to talk to your wife about this. I think she will be very understanding, b/c she loves you. I don't know much about the two of you save for what you've written here obviously, but across the miles, I sense that she would never cheat on you or ever do anything to hurt you. She needs to know the real you, and all of you. When we talk about our insecurities, it makes us vulnerable, but that is supposed to be one of the fringe benefits of marriage and close committed relationships, isn't it? And those vulnerabilities are what make us human, after all.
Good luck, and be strong. You can do it. I think she will love you all the more for it.
A
female
reader, Befuddled1 +, writes (13 January 2009):
 Unfortunately jealousy is a difficult emotion to control and keep in perpective. I myself have been known to be a bit of a green eyed monster and I dont know if there is a cure. I believe it is a result of deep seated insecurity.
You're wife is beautiful, you are very lucky.
All i can suggest is you try to work on yourself...you are probably a good looking guy or your wife would have chosen someone else to marry. try to make the best of yourself...body and soul, this way you may feel worthy of your lady and keep the jealousy under control.
I know how exactly how it feels to have that burning rage but know at the same time that you are being irrational!
Good luck, dont lose her!
...............................
A
female
reader, Jenni2878 +, writes (13 January 2009):
 yeah dude be happy shes gorgeous and people stare at her thats a goood thing. my husband and i are both gorgeous its so fun. we make all kinds of jokes about all the people that hit on us. be happy man. she could be ugleee and no one look at her and who wants that. next time they hit on her just know that its u she goes home to and be proud
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 January 2009):
When a guy looks at your woman, just give her a real sexy kiss, say nothing to either. Please try and see it as a compliment and no need for violence. I think you have done great keeping it under control but just relax, it is you she wants. would you like it if it were the other way and she got insults?
...............................
A
female
reader, SirenaBlusera  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 If she's faithful and she's never given you a reason to lose your trust, then just be happy that you're married to a gorgeous woman.
I see from your slang and your flag that you live in Britain. I'm not familiar with the culture but where I've lived in latin america, "piropo" (guys hitting on women, cat-calls, etc.) is part of the culture. I used to get a lot of that, and I just ignored it. Ignoring it is the best solution.
I think that you SHOULD share your feelings with your wife. That's what intimacy is all about.
...............................
A
male
reader, PHOBIA MAN +, writes (12 January 2009):
why not get some help with your self esteem, hypnotherapy is great for this and quick compared to other therapies.
it's right that this traite is very unatractive to women, they like a man to have confidence and ironically this traite is something she will stay with you for, but being on guard when you are out ruins the night out and she will only put up with so much of this!
with a looker for a wife, if she was going to go with other men, she'd have done it by now, SHE LOVES YOU, YOU DAMNED FOOL,we can all see it, time you did!!
...............................
A
female
reader, cherrysundae19 +, writes (12 January 2009):
The best advice that I can give you is that you should feel honored that other men think she is beautiful. Just remember that the both of you made a vow seven years ago to love homor and respect each other in sickness and in health. From what I can tell it seems you both love each other very much and you have both devoted over seven years of your life to one another. Woman in general like to feel beauiful and sexy, and yes that even means getting glances from other men from time to time. It kind of sounds like you feel that she may find another man to be with and cheat on you, and you are trying to prevent her from getting to that spot. Well let me tell you something..... yes I'm sure she enjoys the attention sometimes and yes it probably getting annoying sometimes, but in the end she loves you and only wants to be with you. The other men mean nothing to her, go out and enjoy your life with your beautiful wife. If you stop taking her out she might think that you are cheating and don't want to be seen in public with her. You need to watch how you approach this situation considering you already said you wont confront her about it. To stop going out in general is a bad idea becasue woman tend to overanalyze situations all the time. You need to learn to accept it and if you can't do that then you will have to deal with the outcome that follows. Good luck
...............................
A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (12 January 2009):
 You are right, you are insecure and that is very unattractive to women. And even though you say she doesnt know, i think she certainly does know. I think she wouldnt make it a point to tell you about these guys ogleing over her if she didn't think it would get a reaction. You HAVE to tell her. But don't tell her it drives you nuts, just tell her it's a little rude to tell you these things to make you jealous. But be confident. As far as other guys, as long as she is beautiful they are always gonna look. Just focus on you two and you will be fine.
...............................
A
male
reader, StudentOfLife  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 I would feel kind of honored if people would look at my wife the way you describe them that they do. They can only droll when looking, you get to do w/e you like with her.
Destroying a marriage because you find your wife too beautiful and can't stand people looking at her is something I never heard of before.
You're so afraid that she cheats on you that you would consider a divorce? What if she never considered cheating on you, that it never ever came to her mind.
Be grateful that you get to spend time with her while it last, and be very careful for what you wish for. You don't want to loose her.
...............................
A
female
reader, sheribaby38 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 first of all you married a beautiful weman so you should have known that from the start. instead of letting it ruin your night or even your relationship just go with it. let the men know that she is with you and although there is no harm in lookin they cannot touch.you should turn it around and use it to your advantage. being with a sexy beautiful weman could acualy work in your favor. free drinks and being popular. people tend to gravitate towards beautiful people. have fun and relax she isnt the one flirting. its the men who are flirting. shes going to go home with you. so i feel you are overreacting and letting this get to you to much.
...............................
|
