A
female
age
41-50,
*opo
writes:I have spent 5 years without a proper job since I graduated from university. Those have been the toughest times of my life. I was trying very hard to get a job but it was getting more difficult. I did part time jobs and went as far as writing for newspapers as a freelance journalist, working in the call centres and retail stores. 6 years back I received a permanent job for the first time and it has not been easy as I found myself fired and retrenched because of incompetence. It was until three years back that I found a good job that groomed me to be a competent communication practitioner and and events organizer. After a year I got a good job from a well respected institution my salary doubled and I was the great person in the job. Late last year I got a middle management job which is paying me very well (middle manager)When my career was starting to take off I met a wonderful boyfriend who just finished studying his master degree and he was out of job. I was positive that he has great potential and he will soon get a job. The relationship developed so fast and we fell in love. He got a part-time job and he is making three times less my current salary. I find myself having to pay for everything and he is a bit dependant on me. He is the example of a poor person who doesn’t even afford to buy a loaf of bread (im not exaggerating) all his money goes to rent and transport. I have been dating him for two years now and the thought of him suffering is working on my nerves. I feel like he is emotionally dragging me back to the life I once lived. He depends on me with everything. I feel like I have a little boy. He is trying very hard to get a job and he wants to establish a business.The relationship is under a lot of strain right now. I do not feel attracted to him and every time he asks for money I want to scream. I understand his pain and suffering when I put myself in his shoes. There is no guarantee he is going to marry me, but he once mentioned it.I feel very negative towards him now and I want out… evertime he gets rejected I get affected and realize that I once struggled and the job doesn’t come overnight it takes longer… by the look of things I might be supporting him for the whole year… he doesn’t take my advice and he just gets defensive every time I ask him or suggest somethingBesides money, he is a great man we get along very well, but recently he has been very careless and he did not call me on Christmas. It’s not easy for me to understand that he could have called from the public phone just to say happy Christmas. When I complained he then called me more than 5 times on new years making up for Christmas… but still. I am falling out of love and I need a break. I feel like I am giving but gaining nothingDo you think I am being mean?
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female
reader, Blue_Angel0316  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 Hon a man who can't support himself much less you is not very likely to ask you to marry him. He is probably very down on himself as a man that he can't even find a better job and support himself. He certainly doesn't know what to do that his job status makes him poor enough and not well equipped as a man to do what men normally do. A man feels it is up to him alot of times to be the breadwinner. He has to rely on you constantly for help.
I am gathering that you don't let him know how you feel and that it really burdens you that he always needs money and such. What you need to ask yourself if you still see any potential in him now. You have become disillusioned with him because you are perhaps beginning to feel used and neglected in some way. If you care for him but can't see him thru all of this, then you may have to let him go. I do urge you to consider everything before you make that decision. Only you know the dept of what you feel here. It is up to you in finding a solution.
If you stay and help him, you can do it as a friend, or you can wait things out in hopes that all will get better and he will marry you one day. I have to tell you that LOVE is powerful. LOVE can make you stay but the fears can sometimes be too great and you perhaps will leave eventually. If however your LOVE for him is GREATER than all else you can work on things together with him. You said he was trying hard to get a job and start a business, that shows he is trying at least. It would be such a different concern if he didn't try and simply didn't care. If he was using you for the money. It seems like you are giving him what he needs in help freely and he may not be aware of how it is really affecting you or the relationship between the two of you.
Loving someone and making a long term committment involves alot of taking and giving in good times and bad. Remember to think everything thru before you choose to walk away. If you can't see things getting better and you can't feel anything positive about your boyfriend, then you should be honest with him and let him go. Chances are you may be holding him back! Sounds strange I know but you may be what is termed an enabler. By always giving him everything instead of letting him find a way by himself, he has become dependent upon you. This could cause him to be less able to make his own decisions and make his own way because he knows he can fall back on you.
I don't think your attitude is meant to be mean or hateful. I think that you just don't understand why he can't be more successful. You are concerned that things won't get any better and that you will be the one to always hold up the relationship. Mind you that in some relationships one person is always the strongest. In others it just takes time to acheive whatever is needed to make the relationship stable. If you think he is a great man and you two get along really well otherwise, I would think twice before I threw that away. There are way too many people who have pockets full of money who don't have what you already do.
PRAY FOR GOD TO HELP YOU UNDERSTAND AND TO HELP YOUR BOYFRIEND FIND A BETTER PAYING JOB. LET GOD WORK IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. HAVE FAITH AND WHEN ALL IS DONE, YOU CAN ALWAYS REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES AND PERHAPS KEEP A GREAT FRIENDSHIP IF THE LOVE AFFAIR ENDS.
God bless,
Blue_Angel
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (12 January 2009): I am seeing a man who is out of work and always depending on me for money too, but I do love him and am prepared to do anything for him! It can be tiresome and a strain on the relationship - but you need to establish whether you two are truly in love and whether you can be happy or if he is just using you for the money!Follow your head not your heart!
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A
female
reader, Fee-Fee  +, writes (12 January 2009):
 I don't think you are being mean at all hon.
It's your sanity in the balance here, and it sounds like you have worked bloody hard to get where you are today and earn a decent salary!
You need to do what is right for YOU. Sit him down and talk to him - and tell him straight off to be a man and LISTEN to you, not to go all defensive!
If this is the man you want to be with for the rest of your life, if you love him, then grit your teeth and stick with him.
If you are a little confused, take a break from the relationship. Perhaps it will be the kick up the backside he needs to find a full time job and get a sense of financial stability.
If you can't see a future anymore, then maybe it is time to call it a day.
Fee
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A
male
reader, 2old4this +, writes (12 January 2009):
 No, you are not mean. You are a saint. I have a friend that married that guy. She still loves him to this day, but she divorced him anyway. She see's him all the time and he has never changed. You need to break off now but not completely. Give him time to make his life better for him and you. If he can't then seeya for good. Thats what I think and i'm a guy.
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A
female
reader, sheribaby38 +, writes (12 January 2009):
 absolutely not! your not being mean. he needs to pay his own way in life and thats just the way it is. your working hard for your money and giving some of it to him. theres a difference in lending a helping hand and wanting a hand out. this guy is taking advantage of you and your tired of it. if i were you i would put a stop to you giving him money and see if he still wants to be with you.
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