A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wife is driving me crazy. I love her so much but she is the most stubborn woman on earth. We met, fell in love, got married. Everything was perfect. Now, with the stress of my job, her starting nursing school again, oh and us getting pregnant. She's 7 months along.She has never been the type to show emotions. Not all out anyway. And I am. I go to great lengths to leave her little notes in her car, so when she gets out of school or work she finds them. I leave a rose every now and then also. I surprise her by doing laundry or sweeping and mopping. Just to make her life easier. And I still mow the yard, fed the dogs, trash, all the man work also. And she says thank you but just mentions it in passing. As if, it has become something that I am EXPECTED to do now. For ex, I left for a two day conference. She would text me, "miss u". Once. that's it. I don't know, but I imagined our marriage full of love, with her calling me and spending ten minutes telling me how much she wishes I was home, etc...but no. Its getting exhausting. I just don't feel like she loves me as much as I love her. People have said we just don't show it in the same way, but I need to see that from her...When we fight she just stops talking and shuts herself in the room. Then comes out HOURS later and wants everything to go back to normal. I'm sitting there the whole time alone. She just always has this "whatever" attitude. Forget talking to her about it. I already tried. Not angry, not mad. Loving...but nothing. I guess I had a totally different idea of what a wife would be like. I always wanted to have 3 kids. She said she could go for 3. But now that she's pregnant, she said she doesn't want to have any more. When I push it, she says if I'm REALLY lucky we can have 1 more. That's a big issue for me, and I realize she has to carry them, but it's something she should have made clear before we got married. It's not fair SHE decides how many kids we are gonna have. It's like she's thinking, "well, i know i said 3, but now that we are married and you can't divorce me, then I decide I only want 1."Help...any advice would be appreciated.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): do you really love her? Hear your own voice. The baby is not,yet coming in this world, but youre are acting and sounding life a f"....,, nagging wife..,
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (16 September 2010): Chill for a moment.
She's 7 months pregnant.
Get a backpack and load up 30 pounds on it, and strap it on backwards and low, and wear it all the time, and think "wow", I'd like to have 3 more of these to wear.
Go the extra mile, treat her extra special for the next 18 years and more, and do it no matter how hard it is.
Having kids is real life altering experience.
FYI, my wife didn't want to have kids, then wanted to have 1, and then 2, and then 3, and then 4.
But when you are 7 months pregnant you are generally just wanting to have "this one".
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): Due, you need to chill. You have all these preconceived notions about what a wife should be. Guess what? You did not marry a stereotype, but a real, living, breathing person. And all the stuff about your doing the man's work so she should do the female work. Well, you lost any claim to that retorted notion when she took on some of the bread winning responsibility by becoming a nurse.
Finally, one one of advise: don't try to pin your wife down on future pregnancies when she is 7 months pregers. She is probably having a hard enough time dealing with the here and now, with her current pregnancy. Of course she isn't going to be all excited with you forcing her to agree to do it again. Wait for a couple years, let the dust settle. There is some mystical biological process that makes women forget about many of the difficulties of pregnancy andnchildbirth, and to want to do it again. I saw it happen with each of my four kids being born. But, you need to chill for am couple of years and let nature do it's thing. Relax
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): Oh, and I don't work in an Air Conditioned office. I work protecting the Borders in southwestern Texas. Hot sun, desolate areas, catching drug dealers and fugitives. So that's no walk in the park either...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): Sillyb,I should have been more clear. She used to work. That's before we got pregnant and before she went back to nursing school for her RN degree. Once she decided to go back to school she said she would keep working. I said no. I would take care of everything. Then we found out we were pregnant. So she wanted to quit school and work until the baby was born, but I knew it was important to her. So I said she didn't have to work. If she could handle pregnancy and school, then she should do it. Any way she decided to go, I would support her. And I have. I'm a Federal Agent with the Department of Homeland Security. I have a fairly good income, and even though our budget has been a little tight, we have managed so far. With college tuition, books, etc... I'm doing my part trust me. And yes, I'm doing 95% of all household chores. She still washes the dishes cuz she doesn't want to let me use the dishwasher. So now that things are a little more in perspective, should she still be as cold and distant? Is her behavior acceptable because she's pregnant. Forget her not wanting kids, I might not want anymore if this is how she is EVERY time she gets pregnant. I've lived with other pregnant women. My mother, sister, and none of them had it how she is. And their men, sad to say, didn't help out half as much as I am doing. And yes, I do give her back massages, stay up with her and tend to her even though I have to wake up at 4am and work anywhere from 10-15 hour shifts.
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A
female
reader, blahblahblahh  +, writes (15 September 2010):
 Okay I haven't read all of the responses here but I have some of them. In my opinion, when your wife is pregnant you should be doing all the household chores for her , that this should be expected. I think in all honestly without sounding cruel, you are expecting far too much of her, but seing the situation the other way around. If she is having to work while pregnant AND do anything more such as household chores, this is enough to p*ss off any woman.I think it's wonderful that you leave her little notes and flowers, every romantic gesture counts, but if she seems ungreatful and unappreciated, that's most likely the pregnancy. Her hormones will be here there and everywhere you have to remember this and be more patient.Lastly, her changing her mind about having more children whilst allready pregnant isn't something I'd worry about, nor should you push the issue. It can't be pleasant 7 months into pregnancy, aching, tired, discomfort, and the thought of having to go through it twice more! Just analise the situation a bit more and try to be more considerate. Isn't it common sense that your wife isn't being as loving and helping as she may usually be, because she is 7 months pregnant! She really shouldn't have to thank you for every chore that you do to make her life a little easier, and you say you surprise her by doing the laundry and stuff, she probably feels you should be doing this without her having to pat you on the back. Just be a little more realistic and understand that it is your job now more than ever, to support and care for her.
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A
female
reader, SillyB +, writes (15 September 2010):
 You try being pregnant, work and go to school. I'm a nurse. Nursing school is like boot camp, it wipes you out.
If you were a good husband you'd make sure she didn't have to work. Look after her financially and make her feel secure - what do you expect? She will be working full time and have 3 kids??...after working, going to school and being pregnant 3 times?
Time to be a little realistic. You are expecting ALOT out of her. You can have three things - her work, her go to school and her have 3 kids. Choose only 2 out of the three. The kids on the way and school is most important for the future.
She's tired and pregnant and stressed. Try to be a little understanding. I'm sure I'd be just as cold and distant if I were in her situation. Its too much too handle. She shouldn't be working as her plate is full enough.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): I do feel I need to clarify something. She USED to work. Before she went back to school. Now, it's just school.
HerLovelyWorld - You're right. I guess I can't expect her to be as excited about having children now as she was before. Thanks for putting it perspective. I won't push the issue until after the baby is born. Hopefully once she holds our daughter she will want to give her a brother or sister a few years down the road. :)
Romany,
I can understand where you are coming from.
I don't want to toot my own horn, but I guess I will a bit.
She NEVER takes the trash out. She would, if I asked her to
but I don't because I want to do it for her. I'm not saying
she has to grovel at my feet and worship me for doing it,
but an aknowledgement would be nice.
Thanks for the article. It was very helpful. I understand
how she might be thinking different because of all she's
going through.
She used to be a WHOLE lot more loving. I thought that's
just how she was. But I guess once we got married and things
settled down she feels more comfortable and doesn't feel
she needs to do it as much?
I get how she can be irritable about her pregnancy symptoms
but forgive me, I don't think being pregnant is an all out
pass for a woman to stop trying in a relationship. There
are days I feel like crap, and she's pointed out just because
I'm sick doesn't mean I should ignore her.
And I see some pregnant women who are far along in their
pregnancy still getting up to grab their boyfriends another
beer while they sit on their lazy asses playing video games.
I'm DO NOT want my wife to do this, and would NEVER make or
ask her to do it, but I think if they can do that, then
surely it wouldn't be too much to ask for a thank you.
Maverick494,
THank you for your input. It's nice to know my wife isn't
the only one out there like that. I guess she's just different than I am. It's like, deep down I know she loves me, but she won't let it out. We've talked about it and she got better for a little while, then she went back to how she was.
The problem is if I stop doing the chores, she's very stubborn. She won't see that as, "Oh, something's wrong. We better talk about it." She will think, "ok. I'll do it." and she will. 7 months pregnant and all. Then I will feel like a jerk for making her do that.
Dorothy Dix,
I think you have a very good point. Sometimes, she does say
she feels like she only has one good friend in our small town. And she's moving! So She does feel that lack of friendship. She loves being with me, but I know in a healthy relationship you need your own time to hang out with friends or participate in hobbies. Problem is, school is so intense for her she doesn't ever have time. She's gone with me on a couple of occasions to work events and met my co-workers wives. She gets along with them
great but when they go hang out she can never go because she has to study, etc. She is happy she is finishing college though so most of her effort goes into that.
I work at the very least 10 hour shifts. Sometimes, it drags
on to 12-15 hours a day. It's a well paying job, but it takes it's toll on me. I don't think I am the perfect husband. Far from it, but honestly, I think I try very hard. My wife has said herself on many occasions that She couldn't ask for a better husband. Well, she used to...
I get the whole, "She's pregnant. She's not herself...etc." I do. But I don't think it's enough to change a person down to their core. Maybe I'm mistaken...
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): YOU DON'T KNOW HOW GOOD YOU HAVE IT!!When my wife was pregnant I did all of the housework (well after three month I actually hired a cleaner to come three times a week but that's another story). All of the 'man work', massaged her, cooked for her, read baby stuff with her, rented her movies, the list goes on and on and on. The last few months were the hardest because she was tired and really uncomfortable. She said that we're never having any more children, EVER! Did you know that woman actually have a hormone that's released after childbirth that makes them forget about all the awful pregnancy stuff? Without that hormone humankind would probably die of rather swiftly as parents would only ever have one child. We've been married for 11 years now and have three children.So my advice, for gods sake stop hassling her for another child when she's already pregnant. Don't mention it again until well after the baby is born. Start doing most/all of the housework. Get a book and read up on pregnancy massage, rub her feet, legs shoulders and neck.
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix  +, writes (15 September 2010):
Hi there. Pregnancy will often make women feel rather tired because of all the changes taking place in her body continuously. That would account for a lot of moodiness.
She's also taken on a lot being 7 months pregnant - working then going to night school to do nursing. That's many hours out of her day. She's probably exhausted a lot of the time.
In a relationship there does need to be compromise on both sides of the coin. Do you find yourself doing a lot or the giving in or would you say it was 50/50? It does need to be even to work properly.
There's also the possibility that work and study is all her life is. Does she have any hobbies or interests? Her moodiness seems to point to a sense of disillusionment with her life and perhaps a bit of boredom as well.
I know you said you have talked to her, but to no avail. Maybe you need to ask her why she is unhappy.
(1) What makes her unhappy.
(2) What doesn't she like about her life.
(3) Does she feel like she is competing with your job?
(4) Does your stressful job (as you have said), keep you at the office for a long day every day?
Maybe, you just don't have enough quality time together each day. She might feel somewhat lonely, as a result.
Perhaps she's gone back to nursing school, because she feels she has to do something worthwhile with her life. She can see you have a job which keeps you inspired. She wants to feel the same about her life.
There's also the possibility that your job is so demanding that she feels useless and that her life might have not much meaning to her.
In your spare time, you also need to do some interesting things together to make life fun.
It does seem like her life is lacking in fun. We need work as well as play. It's the play part, that makes us want to get out of bed each morning to start our day. It's really important. Perhaps the two of you don't pay enough attention to this part of your life.
Life can get so busy, mortgages, bills, extra responsibilities with owning a house, that we can forget about just simply having fun. Life seems to somehow get in the way. Once we get married, it becomes different from when we were just dating and had no responsibility. After a short period of time, reality sets in - and unfortunately, fun and the spontaneity of life seems to be all but forgotten. How sad this is. But how common it becomes.
There's probably not enough newness in your lives, it's just the "same ole same ole". There's some food for thought for you to begin with.
Life is what you make it. The more you put into it, the more you get out of it. There's no exception to that rule.
Hope this helps you. Take care and best wishes.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 September 2010):
**I wanted to correct one thing in my answer. Since your wife is so far along it would not be fair to expect the same input in householf chores. And pregnancy does change behavior sometimes, so don't jump to conclusions and try to avoid fights.
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A
female
reader, maverick494 +, writes (15 September 2010):
I'm a bit like your wife when it comes to showing emotions. I can come off as cold and distant or uncaring while I don't mean to be. I just don't pour it out like that. I also don't shower people with notes texts and phone calls. I never have and that's just how I am.
I could probably change a bit if my partner craved that kind of attention, but it will never be natural for me to do so.
You have to realize that everyone is different when it comes to these things. You two still have to get used to eachother, so give it time. Don't be so affectionate for a while, see if she starts to miss it.
About the laundry and household things. You are giving her subtle hints of affection, which she picks up as you just trying to make yourself useful. Because you are not making it clear you are only doing this to please her (and hope to get more affection in return) she takes you for granted.
So next time, don't do it. If she notices, tell her you did it to please her but as apparently your efforts have been taken for granted, you want her to help out as well because you don't particularly enjoy it.
And kids, pregnant women always tell you this will be their last. Until after the pregnancy and they experience the joy of a child and want more of it. The pregnancy itself is usually what puts women off, as it is basically 9 months of discomfort and hassle. So don't push her, wait until after a while the child is born before you raise the issue again.
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A
female
reader, romany +, writes (15 September 2010):
 wow, She's 7 months along, and in school, and you do some household chores, FOR HER!!!! and sometimes she thanks you.....You work, she study's, she's pregnant, your baby, stop whining and get on with it, for goodness sake, This mind frame never ceases to amaze me, if she takes some trash out to the bin, do you thank her????
As for her telling you she doesn't want any more children, or maybe one more, when she is heavily pregnant, you can't take any notice of that, imagine walking around feeling like you need to pee all day, having pressure between your legs, Yes we are designed to have babies, but it dont mean its a walk in the park, some women suffer a little more than others, imagine your legs aching constantly, For years women have become confused, 'not themselves' during later stages of pregnancy, read this article. http://www.independent.co.uk/news/pregnancy-makes-your-brain-shrink-1282270.html
Then there is the fear of birth, coping with a baby, and possibly wondering if she will she have to Thank you for every nappy change you do too!!!
As for being loving and saying all the things you wish she would, was she like this when you were dating, if no, then what made you think, you'd get married and all of a sudden have a soppy wife, if she did use to say it all, i'd say it is the pregnancy affecting how she feels, perhaps while she has heartburn, pressure on her bladder, back passage, achey legs, breathlessness, sickness she aint feeling much like loving herself, let alone anyone else.
Sorry this is harsh, but I had a husband like you, who wasn't considerate and ignorant of the changes within my body and mind when pregnant, and I wish someone had given him a kick up the arse like this.
Be patient, things will go back to 'near on' how they were, I know its hard for you guys, but you just have to try and understand.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (15 September 2010): In regards to the children aspect, she might be making up her mind on just one right now because she's 7 months pregnant and entering the miserable phase. Wait until she gives birth and holds the little baby in her arms, you'd be surprised at how that might change things. Carrying a baby is not easy, and I can't think of a single woman that was in the middle of all the body changes that was thinking "I CAN'T WAIT TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN!"... Good luck!
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