A
male
age
36-40,
anonymous
writes:Hello, I have been married for 4 years. We have two boys, one is 4 and the other is 2. My wife and I have fallen apart, we literally sit at the dinner table and all you can hear is the silverware hitting the plates, anyways my real problem is that I am only attracted to my wife physically she is a very beautiful woman, but I cant stand her, I can't stand the way she talks or the way she acts, the only time we get along is when we are having sex, but lately I haven't been in the mood to even do that and that's a first ever! We haven't gone for more than three days without arguing, and that's because we literally don't say a word to each other during those three days. I have honestly thought about leaving her for the past year now, the fact of not being with her doesn't bother me one bit, but I can't stand the fact of her being with another man. Is this being selfish of me and should I let her go?
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): you need to take a long hard look at yourself not your wife, they do after all say its the things we hate in others that we can see of ourselves, your problem starts and finishes with you not her, what hapens as our children get older and start to imitate their dad as all young boys do, are u prepared to let them hate her too, what a selfish man you must be....wake up and smell the coffee your wife deserves so much more than a narrow minded shallow excuse for a husband
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Hello there! I hope she leaves you first and takes the kids with them. You can always see the kids when you've got a spare ten minutes or so of your precious time on your way to your next internet date with another damaged woman! All the best! Life is tough!
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A
male
reader, HotANDcold +, writes (8 November 2008):
In this case,there are kids in the middle,you want to provide them with a safe non violent environment and violence is not only physically it could also be mentally and emotionally so if you can't stand your wife no longer think about your kids future,do you want them to be raise in a family where the father and the mother can't stand eacother?i think thats not what you want for them. So free you and them from this environment that only would cause constant fights all the time.
I think you are being selfish to yourself,if you dont love her anymore and you can't stand her let her go and find someone else,because it is no healthy for you or her it only gets things worse and worse until the point it reflects in your behavior.
you don't want to be in this type of environment all of the time i guess so do what you got to do just have in mind its your kids future.
Good luck.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): I think you need to evaluate when it all started to go wrong and what the trigger was that made you begin to dislike her or if it was just a gradual dripping away. Your post reminds me of my situation. My husband began to hate everything about me apart from my looks. He detested the way I spoke, thought about things, anything that I did. We also have two young children. I don't know if it is the same for you but I feel my husband began to feel that I had held him back and not made him as successful as he felt he could have been. With him one day I came home and he had just gone - he left me a note saying he couldn't stand it any longer and that he was sorry it had come to this.
You need to think about the things you liked about your wife when you first met and see if you can rebuild on them. If you leave the jealousy factor about her being with another man is realistically not likely for a while not with two young children to look after. The problem you have is if you leave you have no rights over her sleeping with anyone she wants to and this man will have interaction with your children so think very carefully about the ramifications before you make a move. You need to thrash all this into the open rather than it simmering away with you feeling more and more bitter. My ex husband wouldn't talk to me- he had already made up his mind and I still feel angry I didn't have the chance to talk about any of the things both of us were disatisfied about and maybe put things right. If you still find her attractive and don't like the thought of another man with her then you still feel something so although this is hard sit her down and talk to her to see if anything can be salvaged. Don't act in haste and do a runner like mine did as women can be very spiteful in situations where they feel hurt and angry. It is definitely worthwhile you discussing things. Good Luck
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Take it from me, who has just lost the love of my life. she left me because i did not show enough love to her. if you truelly love her, show her before it's to late. romance her, listen, appreciate, adore her. you can still save your relationship. stop being an ego male. start coming more from your heart.
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A
female
reader, babomi  +, writes (8 November 2008):
 it sounds like a very complex emotional situation that goes beyond relationship advice, you should sort things out with a professional therapist
i m also a bit worried you re not mentioning your kids well-being in case of a separation/divorce ...
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A
male
reader, natethegreat141990 +, writes (8 November 2008):
 I think that you should leave her. If you aint happy than yall are making it harder for the both of yall including the kids. People can feel tension which adds on to theirs including yalls kids. Bout seeing her with others it will be fine once it happens and hte reason is, is cause yall have been together for a while now.
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A
female
reader, blackroses2989 +, writes (8 November 2008):
 Its not selfish, its just a hard time for both of you. If you can help it, try counseling, or therapy. However if you have already mad up your mind, I strongly suggest for both your boy's sake, leave her. If you can't stand her and dont love her you shouldnt be together. While I think your kids should have two parents, its ALWAYS better to raise kids when both their parents are in love with each other. If you do end up leaving her, and date other women, it would be best to get to know both sides to a person before you let the relationship grow. I'm so sorry, thats no way for you to live, feeling so unhappy like that. I understand what its like to be in love with someone, then they change into someone you dont even recognize. The best of luck to you and your boys. I hope things work out for the best.
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A
female
reader, samsproperty +, writes (8 November 2008):
Wow. Sounds to me like a classic case of not loving a woman, but loving to possess her. This is common. It is also a disservice to yourself and your wife.
I feel you have two options: stay or go. In staying, face each of your concerns with open and honest communication with yourself and with your wife. Do it in a constructive, safe, polite way. Say precisely what your experience is, admit to your true thoughts and feelings. You will feel liberated, and move the matter onto a more respectful plane by virtue of honesty.
In going, allow her her full freedom to be happy, and then go the extra mile and doing your part, and the part you may owe her to help her be happy, whatever that is.
I think you are mature enough to come to this site and admit this, and then to ask the question if your are being selfish. Sure, you're selfish, and we all are to some degree.
Your wife carries a part of this problem as do you, and it just may be a pleasant surprise to sit and spill out all the thoughts and end it with a solid commitment of ending, or a solid commitment of keeping on, and how it's done.
When you say you can't stand the fact of her being with another man, that's a pretty grown up action to admit such a control hang up, which we all have to some level. So I think you have started on a healthy plane asking these questions.
Remember, clearly ask for what you want from all who could give it, and life's opportunity unfolds before you; even if you get a no, that no is a good thing: it leads you to the next yes.
Best wishes
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Yes. Selfish. If you love someone then set them free - but try councilling first (I have a 2 year old girl and a 4 year old boy and can COMPLETELY identify with what you're going through!). You obviously don't love her if you are not willing to set her free! Children must come first though of course and sometimes that's a bitter pill to swallow. Good luck! P.S. You will probably get comments from people who don't have kids and don't know what you're going through. Don't be too upset by them. If you're like me you've probably developed a thing for someone else (a woman at work perhaps?). So, come on, let's have your full story, my friend!
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A
female
reader, imsoconfused +, writes (8 November 2008):
 well it is a little bit selfish. your needs are important, but think of hers. how do you think she feels? ask her. go to couples therapy. think of your children as well. if you honestly think that it won't work after therapy, it is probably best to separate, a split home is better than a fighting one for growing children. i wish you the best in your endeavors
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 November 2008): Before you actually decide to leave her, sit down with her and CALMLY talk about the issues that are going on.=) Go on vacation or something, get away and relax...just the two of you. You dont have to talk to her while where ever you are going, just have a nice calm and quiet get-away, kay?=)
Best of luck
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