A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:My wifes mother was diagnosed with cancer in October last year and died on January 13th of this year on Mothers Day she said she does feel the same anymore everythings changed and she doesn't love me anymore. We only got married in December, she asked me. We have been together 2 two and a half years known each other for 15 years and dated when we were young. We both had bad marriages before and ours was special no arguements we always talked had fun it was perfect.She has 2 children from a previous marriage who are both young and have bonded with me. Family life was everything it should be. Now she says shes changed since her Mum died, nothing is the same anymore and she doesn't love me and I have had to move out, she won't let me see the children, she says she's fine she just does not love me and can't change the way she feels. My ex wife commited suicide last year which affected me greatly I never talked to my wife about it because of what she was going through and likewise she hasn't talked to me about her Mum's death. In fact she started taking things out on me within days of the funeral. I am devasted and don't know what to do. She is so adamant it is over.
View related questions:
ex-wife, my ex Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (14 July 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for your comments share bear.She still has her dad her family all live close to her and she spends a lot of time with her dad and sister.The worst thing is she seems quite happy with where she is now.Thats what hurts the most she says she is happy on her own and moving on quite alright.It does'nt make sense though to me shes an honest person and i know she tells me the truth.But i also know she is still sad inside and still gets lonely.I dont know why she finds it so hard to talk to me and wants as little contact with me as possible, maybe thats just guilt.I dont know i just wish she would talk to me more.
A
female
reader, Share Bear +, writes (8 July 2009):
 I really feel for you over this situation. You don't deserve this at all.
Just athought when you described how she's effectively safe to keep the house to herself and- well, if not wallow; at least hide from the world?
I'm wondering if she's hiding from love, and hiding from being happy? Shutting you out, and shutting love out. Because when she's really genuinely happy (and looking twards the future) with you and the family, does that make her loss even harder?
It's one thing facing loss when you're begrudingly facing a rather grim drizzley day, but that moment when you throw your head back and really laugh (and think to yourself; I really love my friends/ he really understands me, can see right to the very core of me!) -at that moment the pang of how sad your loss is, how much it hurts that your mum isn't here to see this, to share this with; is just too much to bare.
Does that kinda make sense?
I've found that you can talk with a dozen ppl agreeing that yes, they are sorry for your loss and sure you're battling on okay, keep soldiering on etc, and can doze through a conversation almost as though it was a pacifier. But- the wrong person (or right person!) suddenly catches your eye and asks in such a deep way; 'are YOU okay?' and its all you can do to get away before the tears start falling.
I don't know if any of that is the real reason in your wife's situation- it may just be that there are too many 'too close to the bone' associations between being with you and with her mum/ being with you at the time of losing her. Maybe she's pushing you away because she's seen how badly it hurts to lose someone she's that close to- and couldn't bare to put eggs in any basket again for fear of hurting all over again? Maybe she just wants to move away from any associations with her loss?
I think keeping in touch with her sister might be a good idea- to keep up to date on how you both think your wife is (really!) coping. Does she still have her dad?
Councilling is definately a good idea, as is trying to talk with her/ stay in touch with her as much she's comfortable with.
I don't know how easy it will be for her to get back to being herself again, but I do think think that her real self- no matter how much she's trying to over-protect her heart- is still in love with you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSadly cant sell the house its in negative equity and from the end of this month the goverments going to be paying the mortgage for us. Bugger!Dont begrudge her benefits there all for her disabled daughter but it does make it so much easier for her to just move on.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHad a really good day with the kids, even though i have'nt seen them for 7 weeks i was cool calm collected. My wife nearly cracked though when the youngest came running up shouting its my daddy, its my daddy and gave me a big hug.They both did, they have missed me so much.My wife says she can deal with her mothers death, but it seems strange to me because she made the break and then could'nt deal with the affects of it all.To me its like she thought once she had closed the door on me it was done and would'nt have to see me again.Talked to my wife again for about 15 minuetes all small talk but friendly and funny.The most horrible thing is she enjoying been on her own but its easier for her she still has the kids and the house and all her money, whereas i have nothing.No privacy, just a small room with just enough space for a few things and not much money its a massive come down from what i had 10 weeks ago.Even the samaritans said its amazing your still here after i had told them what has happened over the last 9 months.Lol.At least thats one thing, no matter what happens i can survive, even through the darkest days and i'm sure i'm not the only one.The worst thing is the same thing happened to my first wife of 10 years. That was only 6 years ago but that story ended alot more tragically.It does make you wonder what you have to do to be happy sometimes and now matter how hard you try life always takes it away again.
...............................
A
male
reader, Tbonex  +, writes (26 June 2009):
 She needs to realize that everybody is going to die some day and that she claims she wanted to spend the rest of her life with you. I understand she is upset with her mother's death but you two were married or still is and you're suppose to be able to help and support each other in times of stress and need. She shouldn't do you like that because her mother died. That's wrong and uncalled for. Don't let her waste your precious time, not that she is.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks Steve.How long were you away for?
Its been over 7 weeks now, time is moving so slowly and its slow progress. I keep thinking, why am i doing this to myself for so little in return?
I love her so much, i love and miss them all some days i feel like giving up but they are all i want in this world i was so devoted to them and still am.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (26 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThings have moved on a bit more now, i am seeing the kids tomorrow.We talked for 2 hours last Saturday she agrees with me, that everything happened after her mum died, but that she is happy on her own.She said she wishes she did'nt feel the way she does but can't help it, that she has to think of herself and not just to make other people happy.Its slow progress, but at least there is some.Its a long long road.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (8 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionSpoken to her sister she says that she is fine within herself and that its the break up thats effecting her the worst.
My wife phoned me on friday. I had put a comment on facebook about one thing she thought it was about her. She was quite angry about the whole thing.
In the end we talked for an hour, there were no hurtful words or anything it did clear the air.
I told her that i knew her and what she was feeling, not been happy and wanting to change everything and wanting more from life. She agreed but said i dont want to open up because i would think we would get back together. But all the negative things about our relationship only started happening with the death of my ex wife and the illness and death of her mum. Its alot to go through especially at a time when we were supposed to be building on our relationship. I thought time would let us work it all out and i'm really hurt shes given up so quickly.
If it had been bad for no reason i could understand but its been traumatic for both of us and just to give up after 12 weeks?
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (5 June 2009):
 of course it will be hun!!
but sometimes you've just got to go through these things in order for them to be right again.
she's obviously not in the right state of mind and she thinks she is doing what's best for her but clearly she's not really sure what she is doing at the moment.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI agree with all the opinions so far. So much of this is hard to take beacause everbody agrees with me and i know my wife and know why shes doing this its just that she is the only one who doesnt.It feels like i'm baging my head against a brick wall.
I'm finding it so hard to stay away because i miss the children desperatley i know i need to give her time but the time i need to give her, is a long time in childs life and the more time i give her the less likely it is i will be able to see the children as they get over what has happened.
I know im doing all the right things now but i'm scared i've left it to late. Ive spoken to cruse, samaritans and i've been to relate.
I have tried my best to be objective about this and that i'm not kidding myself that this is what it is and i am not giving myself false hopes.
But i have spoken to so many people and 100 percent cant be wrong.I really do want to help her and cant give up hope yet its still early days i also know that in the end you cant make somebody love you and at some point i will have to walk away.
Its so hard at the moment for me because i have lost everything and have nothing to carry on with.Ive had to move back in with my parents for the 1st time in 15 years.
I put everything into this realtionship and worked really hard on making our home and now its all gone.
Its been such a massive shock to me.
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (4 June 2009):
she may very well say she is dealing with it but come on that doesn't seem like she is she wants you to think she is so you leave her be.but she isn'tshe's in denial.she just wants someone to hurt because she's hurt at the loss of her mum trust me i do know!because she feels her mum shouldn't be gone which is true!and maybe she feels like taking her anger out on someone she loves because she lost someone she loves.this loss of her mum has probably changed her perspective ALOT about life and everything that happens.trust me i know i did.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve already spoken to cruse and they gave me a leaflet to pass on to her. But me and her sister agreed this wasnt a good idea because she would take it the wrong way.You cant force someone to seek help she needs to choose to.But they agreed with me that it sounds like shes dealing with it badly and it is'nt the time to make life changing decisions.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionIve been left 4 weeks now. she knows i still love and care for her. But shes trying to cut me out of every part of her life. I wrote her a letter but just got angry and said "dont you get it i've changed since my mum died and i don't love you anymore, you cant make me love you".she says she is dealing with the death of her mum and cant deal with this but none of it makes sense really. I dont understand how you can love someone enough to marry them one day then weeks later do not. she said she did love me just that shes changed since the death of her mum.But i just dont see it that black and white she says she is sorry that i'm a good man and shes sorry.I'm finding it hard to come to terms with.
...............................
A
female
reader, ilovebowsandcherries +, writes (4 June 2009):
you need to understand after a major loss like a mother in your life it's difficult to get over.
and it does change you.
take me for instance i've been up and down my mum passed away when i was 12.
i become very in myself.
i was extremly paranoid about things ande everything.
maybe her feelings towards you have not changed but she feels she needs to support her family at this moment in time due to such a huge loss there lives.
she's clearly putting on a hard face and probably let you go because she knows she'll be upset and NOT want to talk about it and it'll bottle up until she takes it out on you.
and she probably knows that's what will happen and doesn't want you to be dragged into this when all you do is care for her.
i mean she still obviously cares for you and doesn't want to end up hurting you or upsetting you or anything like that but she's afraid she will upset you and not mean too all because of the stress at her loss.
she's bottling things up from you that's why she isn't telling you or talking to about it because she doesn't want too she wants to deal with it on her own in her own way.
you'll just have to respect her wishes for now and leave her be for the time being and you can't do anything more than that and just be there for her should she wish to speak about it all with you.
hope this helps.
pop me a messge you need to talk further.
x
...............................
A
female
reader, Full moon temptress1 +, writes (4 June 2009):
Hi,your wife could feel emotional numb after her mothers death and maybe feel she can't be the wife you want.However she must understand that the children need you,as you are like a father to them.I would suggest giving her space,but say if she needs anything to let you know as you will be there for her,but after 6mths if she hasn't changed her mind maybe you should move on,you can't hold your life back forever.Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (4 June 2009): i'm so sorry for how you must be feeling. it sounds to me like the grief has suddenly hit her like a ten tonne weight and she is unsure how to handle it. She probably didn't grieve properly for her mother at the time of her death because she felt she had a responsibility to hold it together for her chiildren and you. if she wont talk to you perhaps you could send her a letter let her know how you feel and maybe at some point you should talk to her about your loss too. she maybe thinks you don't understand but i think you care and lov this woman so much. hope this has helped a little, take care
...............................
|
