A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:My wife has suddenly decided we are over. She ahs been contacted by an old boyfriend from Jr. High. We have had intimacy problems ever since becoming serious in our relationship. She has had an abusive past and was really dumped on by her first husband. I adopted her son 3 years ago just after we had our daughter. I am really confused, we have started counciling, in that she became angry and agressive. She said I have been breaking her heart over many years, that I am too hard on our son, and I don't take her feelings into account. I am really cunfused and scared. she doesn't give me much hope. Reply to this Question
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male
reader, leonard j. Douglas  +, writes (24 February 2008):
I don't think that either of you realize that neither of you can give happiness to each other. First off all our happiness must come from within one's self. Lets look at Masturbation as a good example. We don't do it just because it feels good, but also to learn how to love ourselves, and then show our partners how we want to be loved. It's the same in all relationships, If we don't know how to love ourselves, Then how can we learn to love others? We can't. First comes commitment in all relationships, then comes love. As I see it. You both are weak in both needed relational-areas. And if neither of you can or won't change that, then it's best that you move on with your lives. But if the commitment/love problem isn't addressed and resolved within you relationship. You'll soon find that No other relationship will work either.
A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (24 February 2008):
I don't think that either of you realize that neither of you can give happiness to each other. First off all our happiness must come from within one's self. Lets look at Masturbation as a good example. We don't do it just because it feels good, but also to learn how to love ourselves, and then show our partners how we want to be loved. It's the same in all relationships, If we don't know how to love ourselves, Then how can we learn to love others? We can't. First comes commitment in all relationships, then comes love. As I see it. You both are weak in both needed relational-areas. And if neither of you can or won't change that, then it's best that you move on with your lives. But if the commitment/love problem isn't addressed and resolved within you relationship. You'll soon find that No other relationship will work either.
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (20 February 2008):
Quite often we only get to see one side of what's going on in a relationship,but then there is always two sides that need to be addressed. So my advice is for the both of you,together, to seek professional help,what have you got to loose? Quite a lot,Each other. And if you both really love each other,that what you should be doing.
You got some great advice.
We all need help now and then,so please use it in your relationship, O-kay.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (19 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionShe is just pushing me into a box. If I just listen and validate her she stills says I am not listening. She says that she wants to get back to counseling and get this cleared up. I think this old boyfriend is weighing heavy on her mind and she just can't make a decision. I also feel that she is running from the intimacy problem because she says she wont ever marry again, just have fun and move on. I am more worried about what this will be for my kids. I love her and want to be good, I even called her and offered to bring her coffee at work, she said it was pressuring her. She told about three weeks before this old boyfriend showed up that her past was preventing her trust and intimacy, now she is saying I have been hurting her all along. I adopted her son 3 years ago but she says she has been miserable and I have treated him rough for 6 years. None of it is adding up.
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A
female
reader, Clarey  +, writes (19 February 2008):
 What she is saying may be the truth about you, or it may be that she has problems which are her own and she is trying to blame you. Perhaps she feels guilty. This is really difficult and confusing. She must be specific about examples of what you are doing that she sees as not listening to her. Sometimes when people are not fulfilling their lives for themselves it is easier to blame another for preventing that rather than facing up to issues. If you are sucking the life blood out of her it means that she is not being clear about what she wants and telling you. That is her responsibility. Clarity is what you need, not cryptic clues. If she is confused about herself that just makes it harder. Please remember that communication is 50% her responsibility and 50% yours. Any failure is due to both of you, not just you. If she is having doubts about your relationship is it because of being in contact with the old boyfriend? If it is it does not matter what you do you won't please her. I still say get that book. Try to get to counselling. Make it clear that she needs to tell you what she wants with complete clarity, not generalisation. Ask her whether she is having doubts and abou the other man. Be suspicious if you ask her kindly and all she does is criticise. Get that darn book and get to the truth, stop deflecting and don't be put off course by her saying that you ar her best friends etc etc. Those words just get you to travel down blind alleyways. Good luck, but get the book.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionJust adding more details...
We just had a talk before she went to work. I am realizing that my trying to fix the problems are just my selfish interpritation of what I want to happen. I am trying to listen but I don't understand. She is miserable because she says I am selfish. I buy flowers and give footrubs, but I don't "hear her" I couldn't understand how she would be so miserable. I want to hear but it seems that I keep only hearing what I can fix for me. She says that she loves me, and that I'm her best friend, but I suck the life blood out of her. That I'm insensitive. I care for her with all my heart. What can I do before it's too late?
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A
male
reader, leonard j. Douglas +, writes (18 February 2008):
You don't really define what is going on in your relationship.There needs to be more Info for any advice in your case. Why don't to give us a more complete look at what is going on within your Relationship. There are lots of great folk on DearCupid.org who can help you.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 February 2008): if she is blaming you for everything then i would let her go. there are plenty more women out there who you would find happiness with
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A
female
reader, AskEve +, writes (18 February 2008):
 The issues I see here are
1. Intimacy problems (I'd need to know more about that) 2. Favouritism (in her opinion) over your daughter
3. Listening but NOT listening to what she's saying
4. Her abusive past
It seems to me she's been crying out to you in the past and it's fell on deaf ears, probably because you've had other things on your mind, you've been tired from work and just wanted to shut off or you've thought she's only letting off steam. You really need to take the time out to understand her more. Counselling is good and both of you should keep at that. That's actually a good sign as it shows she doesn't want to give up just yet.
She probably does need some space right now, someone to talk to and I would be willing to chat with her if she got in touch with me. My concern is the old boyfriend who's got in touch, she's really vulnerable right now and could run into his arms if he shows her any attention but this will only confuse her more.
Feel free to email me and I'll help you with this if you want to talk to me some more about it. I am a Relationships Counsellor and Life Coach with over 20 years experience in this field and I'd be happy to help you through this.
~Eve~
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A
female
reader, Clarey +, writes (18 February 2008):
This sounds like disassociation. She is finding reasons to blame you for everything. If there is no hope at the moment there is no hope. You can’t make her want to be with you. The only thing I have found that helps people in your position is a book called “Love Must Be Tough”. Look online, it will maximise your chances of saving the relationship but also help you massively if it can not be saved. It will tell you exactly what to do. The more you chase her the more she will despise you. If you found the capability of being firmly in favour of yourself, instead of trying to win her back you would probably have more chance of winging her back, ironically. You are doing exactly what you need to do to stand the least chance of winning her over. There is no sure fire answer here but the only way to get back some power and respect is to set your line. Tell her she is free to go and watch for the shock. Don’t act as though you would have her back under any circumstances, she would have to work for that. Sometimes it takes time to realise what is lost and you would have to hold your nerve. You may not even want her back when you have had time to fully take stock of the way that she has treated you.People only value what they respect and have to fight for, not for needy, scaredy, begging people. Don’t fall over yourself to take her treatment. You have to be fully prepared for this journey if you really mean to tackle it and it is scary that is why you should get the book.
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A
male
reader, Namatjira +, writes (18 February 2008):
Hi,There are clearly some very specific and possibly very personal issues here that are affecting both you and her. All I can suggest is that you both really need to continue with the counselling, both separately and together as I think that is the only chance of sorting it out.Take comfort from the fact that you are not alone in this kind of situation. Try to remain upbeat in your attitude and if possible create opportunities for you and her to talk without arguing.It is possible that she will need some space in which case I would recommend that you write her letters which will probably be more effective than phone calls if she does not want to talk.You also need to be honest to yourself, her, and the counsellor and accept responsibility for whatever your part in this has been. To break a relationship only takes one person but to fix it takes two.If there is to be a chance of putting it back together (which it sounds like may be hard) then you need to convince her that you are serious about this and about changing anything you might need to chance to make it better. At the same time, do not give in to everything. Some of the responsibility will always be hers, but you do not want to tell her this but to persuade her that it is worth trying to fix.Look critically at your own behaviour and the way you both tend to react to each other. With luck and a miracle or two this could be put back together.All the best.
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A
female
reader, Laura1318  +, writes (18 February 2008):
 If her heart is no more there, you should let her go. Be strong and act confident.Go find another one .If the shirt don't like you , throw it away and buy a new one.
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