A
male
age
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anonymous
writes:i am married for the last twenty two years to a beautiful woman who i taught was my soulmate for life. for the first fifteen years we had a wonderful marriage and have five beautiful children. seven years ago my wife started a new job and everything changed, my wife is a beautiful woman and a natural flirt which is part of her charm because of this men started to hit on her. i was not surprised at this because whenever we went out men would eye her up but this only made me proud of her and i completely trusted her.six years ago we found out her older sister who is married with six children was and still is having an affair this was a huge surprise to us in fact my wife would not speak to her sister for two years after we found out about her affair. after we found out about her sisters affair i began to have doubts about my own wife i began to think if it could happen to her sister it could happen to anyone. for the first fifteen years of our marriage we went everywhere together but then all of a sudden my wife wanted to go out more and more with her coworkers and leave me at home with the children, then one night she told me one of her coworkers a man was her best friend i was very hurt by that. she knew i was very jealous of her friendship with this man but it did not seem to bother her. i began to get mean towards her i kept reminding her of her sisters affair and how it destroyed her lovely family this used to really piss her off but at this stage i was very worried about my marriage and she also started to act very immature staying out late at night and drinking too much.she swore on our children that she was just friends with this man and i believed her but it made me have doubts about her. that was four years ago then three years ago my life was shattered, she began a friendship with another man at work. this time i knew in my heart that something was going on all the sneaking around text messages and dolling herself up before she went to work she works in a factory on night shift so dolling herself gave the game away. eight months ago i had a mental breakdown because of all the stress of this she had lied and lied before my breakdown that she did not have an affair because of her evil lies we argued all the time in front of our lovely children and that also broke my heart.she confessed to me that she had an affair with this married man at work only after my psychiatrist told her i would not get better unless she admitted everything to me she said to me that this man flatterd her and she also said that she only spent one night at a hotel with him and that she deeply regretted it the next morning. i am so confused by it all i know she continued to text him for six months after the night at the hotel she says that the man was trying to convince her to confess to me as he had admitted everything to his wife. i also feel very sorry for that mans wife in all of this my wife says the reason she did not tell me is that she love me and did not want to hurt me. i know in my heart that she deeply regrets hurting me and the children and that she still loves me and is begging me for another chance and promise me that she will never hurt me again i still love her but i am finding very hard to forgive. do you think we could ever be happy again? sorry about the long letter but i had to try to explain properly any advice would be greatly appreciated
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male
reader, hellya  +, writes (16 April 2019):
I know three different men this has happened to they have stayed in their marriage they confessed to me sometime later it was never the same and they wish they had left when it happens I'd say chances are going to be very slim all things working out for you and her you'll never see her as the same woman you used to
A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): Wow! to male who says "he hates her", but true, you dont get over it and to stay together after the only reason she told you was because the psyhcologist said she had to well that says it all.Learn to hate her!! that will get the love for her out of your heart quick, think of all the things she has done to you.once you are out of love for her then you can move on...
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): You know, no matter whether its the guy or the girl to find out your partner is cheating on you is so so devasting, I dont think its all about forgiving , its whether you can ever trust again, if she is late ( really late) home then I know you are going to think uh oh whats going on, and no matter what it will and does destroy the love you have.If you cant trust your partner of 22 yrs then its simply going to screw your life up even more, you will always have that doubt. I know thats probably not what you wan tto hear, but it will, you will always be wondering.. and that will stress and depress you so much. I made a clean break, I couldnt handle it, right or wrong, i wasnt prepared and couldnt live like that, I adored my wife, and even after 18 yrs of marrage found her sexually arousing and so so desirable, but after she cheated on me i felt betrayed I felt that life wasnr worth living and blamed myself , i must of done something wrong it must be my fault.I hated my life, and my love for her was destroyed, I left, filed for divorce and got a laywer who screwed her good she got almost nothing.I hate her she ruined my life!yep not over it still !!
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): "mental breakdown and ending up on a psychiatric ward for the first time in my life" - how could she be so cold. she deliberately let you have this breakdown. she even did not spare your kids the trauma, they had to see you in a mental institution. not the actions of a "wife" claiming to love you. unforgivable.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 August 2009): ".......she did not show any remorse.also she kept conveniently losing her wedding ring i had to buy her six over the years.:this is even worse than first posted. your darling faithful remorsefilled wife deliberately "lost" her wedding ring 6 TIMES. "i give her another chance she have stopped going out now without me" - AND if you do not take her back she will continue with her *horing ways. Dear OP, what has this woman done to you. she has been degrading you for years. she still continues to go out, drink, having too much of fun with her co workers. she has lied so much, she is not feeling guilty for havving sex with another man. she has learnt nothing from her sordid affair. she "lost" her wedding ring 6 times, i am assuming she has had 6 affairs to contend with. she deliberately acted like she was single. this is your evidence you need. she deliberatly took off her wedding ring (more like threw it in the dustbin) and had single mindblowing sex. what a liar. please for your own sanity, this woman is not worth anything anymore. she is a deliberate sneak, liar, adulterer, she is basically a snake and is used to pulling one over you. you know deep down she will f*ck up again. i say watch the wedding band slipping off her finger.....this is an indication of her doing it with others. what a piece of work she is. such blatant disrespect for you ,your marriage and your vows. every time she looses the wedding ring she gains a new lover. right. wow
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reader, devastated2008 +, writes (15 August 2009):
 I would love to be in your shoes... my husband left after 18years to pursue an affair with a coworker... we were divorced at 19ys and he has recently married his coworker because she "accidently" got pregnant. I know my husband loved me but was addicted to the feeling the affair provided and wouldn't allow us the chance to recover.
Pls appreciate the opportunity you have here... to create a relationship that is based on real intimacy, forgiveness and depth. I know all the feelings you are likely experiencing and I know how intense the emotions are... jealousy, rage, humiliation,panic, excrutiating pain, suicidal thoughts...all the way to hope, love, desperation, relief, and forgiveness then back to the other emotions as fast as lightening. Look at "marriagebuilders.com" by Harley Willard. Don't give up and hang in there. Good luck.
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male
reader, meganutts +, writes (15 August 2009):
 My friend forgiving her is a must and that's the most of what you owe her. Forgive her in your heart and you have the choice to forget her too. Morally she's as wrong as dirt and you don't owe her a second chance, also her saying that she didn't tell you because she didn't want to hurt you and she loves you is a bowl of fresh steam whale shyt. Don't fall for that man, you're better than that, the fact that she told you alone hurts more than anything I know. So drop her and move on.
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reader, lucky 5  +, writes (14 August 2009):
those who have stood on top of this mountain would say no you will never be happy again with her. if she loved you she would never do what she did .she has brocken the trust the family ruls and she will agian, once a dog always a dog.
I am not going to give my fiance the second chance i have already canceled my wedding because i know it will not make me a happy man every night thinking that other men have been sleeping with her this is not good for your mind and not for your fmily .divorce her,let her go and do not give her another chance other wise she will destroy you ,look in to your heart and see the pain and it will be worse if you are with her.would you kiss her lips knowing what the other guy did to her, would you touch her agin knowing that what that guy did to her ,it is a trophy for him that he got to sleep with your wife ,and your wife wanted and be sure it was more than one time .
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reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): i should have added on my letter that since my breakdown my wife have shown deep remorse .she says of her affair that it was just a egoboost and it meant nothing to her .she also says that she loves me very much and that she would never hurt me again if i give her another chance she have stopped going out now without me
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (14 August 2009): i am the man that asked for advise the code i was given was 2fzf5622ed thank you all very much for your advice. the reasons i still have doubts about my wife is that for two years after my wifes affair she continued to go out drinking with her co.workers most of whom were much younger single people who had no responsibilitys.so when i look back on that now it seems to me that she did not show any remorse.also she kept conveniently losing her wedding ring i had to buy her six over the years.with regard me not flattering her i assure you i did almost on a daily basis.i did not mind my wife having friends at work but when those friends were mainly much younger single men i began to get very jealous as she was the person i loved most on this planet.if only she had confessed to me about her slimeball affair immediatly afterwards it would have saved all the argueing in front of our children.it would have also have saved me from having a mental breakdown and ending up on a psychiatric ward for the first time in my life.it was very hard for me to have my children to come and visit at that hospital.so when your soulmate can do something like that to you it makes it very hard for you to forgive them and your going to have doubts
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reader, softtouchmale2003 +, writes (14 August 2009):
 It happens. Stop agonizing over it. She's already hurting over it too. You need to spend more time with her and flatter her. Its not the fact that she had sex with another man that bothers you. Its the fact that you have doubts.Maybe you need to find out why she needs to spend so much time with her friends or co-workers. And one thing you could do is simply ask her if you can go along once in a while and use a baby-sitter for the kids.If you knew more about what she likes to do, maybe you can spend time with her and show that you are interested in her and want to be a part of her life again.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (12 August 2009): it just amazes me that the cheater claims to have this heavy heart and guilt. this is bull! when they are having sex with the other person they do not care about their faithful other. they just indulge and think well whats done is done. what do they actually feel is panic , that they will be/have been caught out, they think of excuses of how to wriggle out of confessing and speaking the truth (for one), ashamed that they were caught. it has nothing to do with feeling remorseful and guilty about doing the deed with someone else. often it is planned, with weeks/months/years of flirting, text messages, emails, inappropriate behaviour culminating in the deed- a deed i may add that was preconceived, an act that was fully thought of prior to the actual act. the nonsense that they give that they do not confess because they do not want to hurt their partner/spouse is so farfetched. they do not confess because their secret is their protection. they care nothing for their partners, they hide, lie and continuously cover up to hide. are they shameful, yes , only when they are exposed. what annoys me is this, cheaters carry on with this moral high ground that they feel oh so guilty that they are suffering more than the cheated spouse. bulldust. i say again when they are indulging in their sexual acts with the other person it is all about them, the faithful spouse, the innocent kids, the other persons family means nothing. they freely indulge then cry crocodile tears that they are so sorry. sorry for what i might ask. only sorry that they are found out. only sorry that the facts are all there and they need to confess because there is no way out. having said all of the above, to the OP. lets see. your wife knowingly has sex with a married man. she hid this fact for how long? you tried to confront her, she denied it (continuously). she loved you so much that she allowed to go literally go out of your mind. she loved you so much that in spite of you probing to find out the truth she denied any wrong doing. she loved you so much that she allowed your health to deteriorate. her love for you was so great that even after sleeping with this man, she continued her affair ( so much for it being just a one time thing).we women are sly creatures do you know that. we believe once we are caught if we cry those big beautiful crocodile tears, if we say just how sorry we are, play with our men’s emotions and affections conniving then we do not have to account for our actions. your wife is the same. what a good actress she was during her affair and sadly she still continues to "act". this unfaithfulness was preconceived. it did not just happen. yet she is downplaying her role. i will hand it to your wife, she knows exactly how to play you. after all she played you for all the months she was with her married man. i think in a situation like this you need to have a reality check. why is she with you. finances and stability. women who do not want their husband and seek sexual gratification elsewhere are cheaters as well as rouges. you see they steal their husbands stability, finances and resources. it is convenient for them to claim undying love (after the fact) for their cheated spouse while at the same time continuing to benefit from the husband financially. they are like common thieves. the only difference is that the thief shares your live, your home, your bed. and they do such a good job that you do not see the common criminal that they become. and they think a few kind words erases all their wrongdoing.trust issues- can you trust this woman. with your health. with your wealth. with the rest of your life. or would you be dying a million deaths each time she dresses up and heads out of your home. how sure are you that she will not destroy you again and more importantly would you survive another betrayal. you almost did not. it is not her affair that is the worrying factor here. it is her blatant disrespect for your wellbeing. being a manic depressant resulting from her "abuse" of you is the issue. she cared nothing for the hell you were going through. why was she so sadistic in her attitude towards you. it shows that she lacked compassion for you, her dear faithful husband. it shows that while you went through your turmoil she continued her liaison with this other man. your wife is a piece of work. please guard your heart. she was ruthless, conniving and manipulative. she may be the mother of your kids but she is surely not a "wife" to you. she covered her tracks and she did a good job. did she care who she was hurting in the process. no. did she worry about her kids. no. all she cared about was her sexual gratification. regarding her promises - you are going to put your life in her hands again. becareful. the above response is not about her affair. it is about the manner in which she deceived you. the manner in which she blatantly lied and belittled you. it is not about just her sexual act. it is about her caring nothing for your health and your mental stability. be very careful of someone who just does not care. it reveals their true nature, their me, me, me attitude and their ability to cause much destructiveness in the lives of the very people whom they "claim/profess" to love. you know in your heart you cannot forgive her, does she even deserve any forgiveness for the cruel manner in which she made you pay with your health? this person almost destroyed your life. ultimately the decision is yours. but please do not be a fool. don't gamble with your wellbeing and don't allow anyone to belittle your life again. don't be a victim again. You see on this site there is a pattern. We condemn men that have affairs and condone women. We are more lenient with women and do not expect women to account for their actions. Here we are inconsistently consistent. If a man did what your wife did trust me the responses would have been more in a lynching mob take on the “mans” actions. This leniency and double standards for women that cheat has to stop. It send out an irresponsible message condoning women and the destruction and devastation they cause in their families lives.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): I cheated on my husband once. Just once. I regretted it and told my husband almost the next day what I had done. Sometimes the cheat carries the heaviest burden of guilt and remorse. Sometimes that is punishment enough - it certainly feels like it. Think about it - you have remained faithful and true. She has not. Once is a mistake. Now you have to re-build the trust and it might take a long time. For the sake of what you had and your children give it a go.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): Lazyguy has got it down to a tee.
she also had the audacity to swear on your kids lives. she is pathetic. this woman claims to love you, denied her affair repeatedly even though she saw how destroyed you were. you suffered manic depression yet she continued with her lies. she has also lied to you claiming that she only had sex once with this married man. how can you even believe anything that comes out of her mouth?
i know you want to salvage this marriage but can you with her lies. she may have come clean about her affair. how do you know it was only one. what else has she been up to all this while. she watched you being totally destroyed yet did nothing- is this what a person that loves you does. her regrets , what are they really? she is not remorseful, she lied for years and she is getting away with just " i am sorry". how convenient it is for her. your wife did not tell you because she had the best of both worlds- a stable one with you and the exciting sex filled one with her lover. that is the reason she kept her secrets. she only saw for herself and she enjoyed herself sexually while you were waiting for her loyally at home. this woman is a blatant liar and she never told you not because she did not want to hurt you but because she could get away with it so easy.
show me a person who only f*cks their lover once, then spends months with them platonically. realistically this is not possible. your wife is still taking you for a fool by coming out with this farfetched story.
you may still love her but does she deserve another chance.-
-another chance to destroy you
-another chance to humiliate you
- another chance to destroy her kids lives
-another chance to have another lover on the side
i do not believe that your wife is the saint that you would like to believe she is. you need to dig deeper and more skeletons will be found. she hid the truth for so long, do you honestly think she will confess everything to you now. she still have her secrets. you see adulterers have an uncanny way of twisting the truth and justifying their affairs. she "confess" and they "promise" not to hurt their "loved ones" again. it just does n't work. you see your wife has had the taste of another man, the excitement of a forbidden liaison. she will not just change her ways. you can try to move on with her but can you trust her. when she goes out of your door, you will be wondering to whom she is going to. it will eat at you and it will eventually destroy you. her lies almost did this once, why give her the power to get it right next time.
please think carefully. your wife humiliated you, lied repreatedly, destroyed you and now she claims to "love" you. don't be fooled by her crocodile tears, she is just garnering sympathy for her affair. she knows that you are dependant on her emotionally and she is milking this situation so that she doesn't answer for her deceit.
she did not respect your marriage and kids, she also did not bother that her lover was married she only cared to f*ck him. so much for her caring for all concerned. she left your home, booked into a hotel for the entire night, f*cked him how many times, any which way and then miraculously she feels "guilty" the next morning. please tell her you are not buying this version of her once of gulity act. sorry to be visual but you need to see the severity of her actions. she is bullshitting you by her version of the truth. she is pacifying you hoping that you would just forgive and forget and then it is back to "normal" wifey to you. your beautiful unfaithful wife is just saying what you want to hear. she manipulated you, lied to you and she think she has gotten away scout free.
well birds of a feather flock together. i am sure her sister and herself are swopping unfaithful stories - how to f*ck around and hoodwink the husband. seems like they have a lot in common. you need to take back your pride, your dignity. she has stripped you of this for so long. it is time to stop playing the weak man in the house, and start making new rules which she needs to adhere to. and yes, you can enforce it right from the start. or else she will revert to her old cheating ways once she knows you are settled in a false security. watch your wife , she is not over playing yet. and please do not let her fool you with the empty "i love you " words.
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reader, anonymous, writes (11 August 2009): yes, she definately needs to know how hurt you are so if the temptation strikes again she will think of your feelings. A CHEATER is a liar first. If she is truly remorseful she will be willing to show you all phone record including texts and make all her time accountabl. I feel your pain. Your marriage is forever changed. It can never be the same, but if both parties really want it to survive, it will.
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reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (11 August 2009):
 my wife says the reason she did not tell me is that she love me and did not want to hurt me.
Ah. And are you buying this? I got some Enron stock? Intrested?
If she didn't want to hurt you, she shouldn't have cheated. Apparently she didn't mind hurting you by fucking another man. Repeatedly, for a long period. And that is the affair you know of.
Look up the steps of alcoholic anonymous.
"Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." Has she done this? No.
"Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all." Has she talked to the wife of the man she cheated on, and made amends?
You know in your heart she deeply regrets hurting you... goodie. That and 4 euro will buy you a cup of starbucks coffee. Does she know? REALLY know? I doubt it. Sorry mate, but unless you are leaving a hell of a lot out I read nothing more in her actions when a person who has been caught out, doesn't want to face the consequences of their actions and does a quick and easy "I am so sorry I hurt you" routine to patch thing up until they next time.
I might be wrong, but cheaters rarely learn especially if the consequences of their actions are nothing more then to have sorry.
There is reaosn the 12step program is so often adapted for others who hurt those around them. Because until you fully accept that your actions have serious consequences and that you must face them, you don't chance.
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reader, RAINORFIRE +, writes (11 August 2009):
 You sound like a nice guy even called your children lovely sigh. you need to forgive your wife remember for better or for worst, so she messed up you have been married along time this man was exciting and new im sure there wasnt any love involved.forgive her get over it and move on dont make a big deal you can still salvage your mariage she probably beating herself up but you could ask her why she probably doesnt even have a good answer Start doing more things with your wife be spontaneous bring some fire back into the thing use your imagination um mothball the flare in your relationship.And forgive her theres worst things a wife can do then cheat, shes just satisfying some lustful urge some wives kill all the children or hire a hitman to kill there husband your actually pretty lucky well i hope you get over this and can keep your family togather make sure your wife knows you forgive her but she should also no how hurt you are
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