A
male
age
51-59,
*onty23
writes:My wife has never been greatly interested in sex. Now, after 13 years of marriage and her suffering a bout of depression and flirting with a work colleague, she tells me she is sexually frustrated - doesn't want to have sex with me - but wants to sty with me. She dismisses all my suggestions about what to do. Does anyone have an idea waht is going on here ?
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reader, anonymous, writes (2 November 2008): This is a warning sign. From what I've read it normally happens about 4 years into a marriage. I'm no authority but she needs to soul search and educate herself on her feelings. I recommend you search for articles by Michelle Langley. They helped me understand the psychology my wife was going through. Like I said I'm no expert so take it with a grain of sand. Check other theories and then try to get her to read up on it and evaluate what's going on in her heart.
Best wishes
A
male
reader, rcn  +, writes (1 November 2008):
 So she has no time? Sounds like you guys have been living out of balance for a long time. Not separating the life's duties from other important things. Bundling everything up is wrong. We all have 24 hours in a day, the difference between those who succeed and those who don't is their activities during those 24 hours.
It seems as if she's focusing too much on the whole as being her life, instead of keeping the categories separate. It's important for proper balance to work on a marriage as much as work or social activities. Although there are obstacles in a marriage, such as bills, work, kids, etc. You're not married to those things.
Ask her what she wants. Ask her how your marriage went from "I do" to being a daily routine. Think back to when you first got married, what you did differently than what you do now. Always consider your being married to her as a privilege and not a right. To me, a marriage should be that every day that person is special because you're their choice to say "I do" too. When it turn it into a daily routine, the definition within the marriage changes.
By her not accepting counseling, I wonder if she's using her life outside the marriage to ignore the fact you too may have some issues to work on within the marriage, which may ultimately show her that she is partially at fault. For some, its easier to ignore than it is to face it. I hope she will face it, because your long term happiness together depends on both of you being on the same page and wanting to turn the flame back up. Take care.
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A
male
reader, Jonty23 +, writes (1 November 2008):
Jonty23 is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for the advice so far guys and gals - all good stuff, and I would like to take a moment to reply to each in turn...
1) Mamma Mia - I know my wife really well - we have/had a solid friendship - to the point I know what she is thinking sometimes, and we can often speak at the same time saying the exact same thing - as for complements - I have always told how she looks and how I feel - when depressed she used to dismiss this along the lines of 'You're my husband - I'd expect you to say that - so it doesn't count...'
Believe me, I have tried communicating - but she doesn't want to - and as for showing affection - she has hugs, cuddles, little kisses, small gifts and so on...
And as for 'courting' been there - done that - often ended up feeling a little flat - unless she ended up getting so anxious it spoiled the evening. I am at a loss - otherwise I wouldn't have posted a question here.
2) rcn - I'm on my second session of counselling - sadly my wife has no time for this - she is vehemently opposed to any kind of talking therapy - and when suggested - she always dismisses it out of hand. I agree, but cannot convince her to go - so I go by myself...
3)Uncle Phil - this is where we are - she has been to the GP and is now going through a staged withdrawal from anti-depressants - they were useful as they stopped her killing herself. She was going out driving in an effort to provoke some kind of situation - thankfully she has not been back to that place mentally now for quite some time. I have tried to tell her that the whole sex/no sex issue is not only confusing but difficult for me - but she has absolutely no interest in my feelings over this - and will not discuss them.
4)Nanook - yes - of course I've tried asking - but she is not willing to discuss it - which makes any self reflection a little tricky. As for the other options - I feel I have no option other than to live with it - I am not willing to file for divorce over this - as we have children and a whole lot more between us than just this one thing. I can't see her being happy with me having a relationship with anyone else - as apart from anything else, she is quite jealous... and in any case - it's not what I want - as for cheating - this does not sit well with me at all - I have huge problems with the whole idea.
5)woman23 - going back to my response to MammaMia's advice - it's not like I haven't tried and am not continuing to try - she just isn't interested at all - even after some quality time (we've had meals, cinema, theatre, concerts, drinks...)
Anyhow - thanks again for your advice everyone.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): It sounds as if she is frustrated because she is lacking something. Could she be depressed because of the same reasons? Is it possible that she could be flirting to try and get what she is lacking?
I want to ask you to think very carefully, don't have to answer me, but think about the answers to these questions.
DO you pay enough attention to your wife?
The small things, notice her hair, do you compliment her when she looks good? Do you spend "quality time" with her, talking to her laughing with her. Are you really listening to her. Do you know what she likes and dislike? are you communicating? Do you have fun together? Do you make her feel special?
Do you give your wife enough affection?
How often you you give her a hug or a cuddle? How often do you kiss her? Do you hold her hand? Do you sit next to her and watch a program on tv and hold her in your arm? Do you tell her that you love her? Do you tell her that she looks sexy? and give her a little hug or squeeze?
I think she might want to stay with you becuase she loves you, but feel frustrated and trapped because her desires are not meet.
I suggest you and your wife start COMMUNICATING about your needs and wants.
I also think it will be in your interest to almost start "courting" her again.
Counseling might be advisable to assist you both to get the deeper communication going.
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A
male
reader, rcn +, writes (21 October 2008):
does she want sex outside the marriage? depression is quite often caused by being off balance. such as, paying attention to work more than family or the other way around. getting too busy with "life" to maintain positive friendships. Also, playing a factor could be not being where she felt she'd be either financially, physically, or emotionally, at this point in her life. Flirting is a method of self medication. A void is present in her sense of self, so instead of repairing the actual issue, she externally creates a false fix.
You guys need counseling. It's important to uncover the underlining causes of what's causing this. Take care.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 October 2008): She can get treatment for depression from her GP. I would question how solid the marriage is if the only reason she wants to stay married is security or whatever.
I can't quite grasp how she's sexually frustrated, yet doesn't want sex. Maybe that's something to do with the depression. Perhaps she might be willing to talk about the problem if she realised the marriage and your fidelity might be at risk unless she does so.
If she won't do something about it you either stay married without sex or you get a divorce and move on. You've still got plenty of years ahead of you to enjoy your life.
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A
male
reader, Nanook +, writes (21 October 2008):
There are so many possibilities.
If she isn't willing to work with you to resolve the issue you've got a number of options.
1) You can suffer with it.
2) You can file for divorce.
3) You can ask if she objects to you having a
relationship with someone else.
4) You can not ask and just cheat.
I'm sorry if I'm letting a bit of cynicism creep in here; but really if someone in a relationship isn't willing to work on issues, what basis for a relationship is there?
You don't indicate to what degree you are willing to work on it either. You say she is sexually frustrated, but don't say why. So perhaps there is a problem with your sexual approach that might need some work?
Do you ask her why she feels frustrated and what she feels might help?
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A
female
reader, woman23 +, writes (21 October 2008):
 well, are you guys really tired in the moments that there is a chance to have sex? or is it just in general? either way, i suggest that you guys start dating again, like old times. Make time. It is crucial in this case to have time for each other to save your relation ship. go out, have a drink, go dancing, go drink a coffee, go to the park and do a picnic, take a night at a hotel with her just the two of you. "and dont ask do you want to have sex, just lead her to it" hope this helped:)
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