A
male
age
41-50,
*ildfire357
writes:Me and my wife have been married for 5 years now, she was 30 and I was 25. She wanted to wait until we were married to have sex, for religious reasons. I was ok with this because I always try to be a gentleman. I was her first boyfriend, and there were enough signs that I believe that. After we were married, on our honeymoon, we started to have intercourse, and had to stop because it was very painful to her. I tried many different things to help her, four play and toys. It was a year or so later when I convince her to see a gynecologist for the first time ever. She told us some women who go that long without ever having something put up there sometimes have this problem. She told me to take it slow and just massage her lower area to get it use to stimulation and it shouldn't be painful anymore. After many months of work we had sex for the first time. Our sex is terrible, she only lays there and doesn't do anything. She told me the only reason she has sex is because she knows I have needs and that because I have been supportive. That that's the only part of the marriage that she could do without. We talked about having a special friend for me, but she shot that down for religious reasons. I don't know what to do anymore. I find myself looking at other women and thinking. One of my female friends are now trying to get me to cheat. I would also like to add I never cheated on my wife this hole time. I don't know what to do please help.
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female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 March 2013): Ask yourself if you re ok not having a sexual relationship or the rest of your life? Since by being married your spouse is IT as far as sex goes and if it isn't happening with yet then it isn't supposed to happen elsewhere either.
If you are ok with not ever having a sexual relationship then stay married. Many couples do not have sex at all due to medical reasons yet they dont go and divorce just because of it.
You cant push her into wanting sex. You cant tell her she needs to "do something " about wanting sex. Maybe it is YOU who needs to change? Are you not physically attractive enough to her? Are you not arousing enough to her?
Also by allowing her to have sex against her will with you, it sort of reinforces that to you it is just getting your needs met and you are ok with her gritting her teeth the whole time. That sort of makes her see you as "the enemy " who is out to get something from her and she has to give in no matter how much she hates it. It just doesn't bring her closer to you.
If you really want to have a sexual relationship then you have to divorce her. It may not be such a loss or a bad thing. She might be happier off with a man who would also want the same from life as her which is to he close live in friends but celibate.
If you're thinking about cheating I think it is time to divorce. Your sexual needs are more important to you than the emotional relationship with her. That is not a criticism just stating a fact
A
female
reader, So_Very_Confused +, writes (4 March 2013):
 I know that there are truly people out there that do not have sex until marriage for religious reasons. Normally when we see it, however, it’s someone posting and saying “ I want to remain a virgin till we get married but we are doing other things and it’s getting harder and harder not to give in” Those are not the folks I worry about using the “virgin till marriage” ploy as a way to avoid sex.
In your case, I am sensing that there was NO physical contact sexually before marriage. She was 30 and had NEVER seen a gyn??? I’m sorry wildfire357, but I think your wife has issues with her body and her sexuality that are so deep seated you may never be able to fix them. I sense she used the “virgin till married’ thing to avoid being sexual. Women need to see a gyn from the time they are either sexually active or age 18 at the latest.
Your comment “something put up there” and “massage her lower area” tells me you are not too comfortable with sexuality and bodies either…..
So, here’s the issue… if you want to fix this and your wife wants to fix it you both will have to get over your discomfort about bodies and sex. Sex is normal and natural and there is nothing to be ashamed of.
I think that unless you both go to counseling together as a couple to work on this for both of you and also for her to go alone to discuss her personal issues about her body and sex, that there is not much hope of salvaging this marriage.
Cheating is not the answer. A special friend is not the answer. Fixing this marriage may not be the answer. What’s your religious stance on divorce or annulment. I ‘m wondering if you can’t divorce on religious grounds if you can get an annulment on lack of consummation of the marriage. I strongly sense that the only fix for this for you will be to separate and move on with your life without her.
Lousy I know as I’m sure you love her and care for her but she has to get that sex is an important part of marriage and if she does not want to or cannot fix this she will be alone.
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A
female
reader, Caring Aunty A  +, writes (4 March 2013):
 OK, let’s not complicate this matter with introducing a female friend into the plot…So far the personal and gynaecologist techniques have not been working? Yet by repeating this over and over in the last 5 years; how can one expect a change to take place. After years of nothing changing – NOTHING changes! Although a certain conditioning of mind takes over… Hence the mind says; I can do without this or I’m at my rope’s end…Remembering that the biggest sex organ is your brain! Truly this is something that can be easily rectified if a mental block or bad health is not present? It is now convincing the old brain matter (hers and yours) from all this conditioning and previous techniques to a new way of thinking and approach to intimacy. (And it is immaterial of ones religious believes!) It’s all one big discovery channel, which hopefully has just been incorrectly tuned by previous techniques etc. to get a better picture. Find out what wave length your wife is on, beyond the status quo. Since you are noted as being a gentleman, creative in the bedroom, patient and a supportive husband I would like to hope you stand solid in this excellent characteristic. Take Care – CAA
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): She seems far more like a best friend than a wife.
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A
male
reader, Been Through It +, writes (3 March 2013):
 This is an interesting situation and it is unfortunate your relationship is at this serious crossroads. From what I am reading she has some issues and maybe religion has played too big a part in her life. It is resulting in possibly loosing her husband. In her eyes it will seem selfish for you to leave the marriage because of lack of sex, but it seems the issue is much deeper. It seems more like you feel alone in an area of your relationship that needs just as much attention as her commitment to religion. If you are thinking about having a special friend, then you its best to really ask yourself what it is you want. No sex, or no real physical contact turns into a more brother sister relationship. There are many of those out there and most people will not make any moves for various reasons. I came to grips with it and made that move and am going after what makes me happy. It's good you have never cheated on your wife. If you cross that line (with your situation) you will most likely reach the end of your rope at some point. I would never feel bad for what you want either. We all need lovin'. It;s hard to be the bad guy, but you ultimately have to do what is going to make you happy. You have one life here that we know if, enjoy it to the fullest.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): You are well within your moral right to divorce her.
But the minute you cheat now you will be the scumbag who ruined the marriage and betrayed your wife.
Think hard about whether you really want to cheat. It is far better to divorce than to be a cheater and traitor and have that on your permanent record.
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A
male
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): I agree with janniepeg.
Her religious beliefs, and her asexuality.. I don't know which one was the chicken and which was the egg. But either way I don't think you are likely to ever get a decent sex life with her. I have never seen or heard of a 35yo asexual woman changing into someone who loves & wants a normal sex life at some future time. Not when she is already married to a reasonably respectful and sensitive guy who has been trying to work with her on fixing things.
I think you need to sit her down, lay out the situation, and inform her that you need to separate. Make it clear that you are not leaving her out of anger or resentment but you are just sexually incompatible and there is no real solution for this. Don't blame her for being asexual, but at the same time don't apologize for your needs either. You are the one with the "normal" viewpoint in this disagreement, not her. Deep down she may view sex as a perversion but that does not make her viewpoint more right than yours. The human race did not get this big by not liking sex. Be accepting of who she is, but stick to your guns - you cannot spend the rest of your life living that way along with her.
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A
male
reader, teddy 19  +, writes (3 March 2013):
hahahahaahahaha dude why?????? talk to her again about it and tell her its an integral part of the marriage for you simple as that and ask her to work with you to come up with a suitable solution
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A
male
reader, C. Grant  +, writes (3 March 2013):
 It's important that your wife understand just how frustrated you are. If you're at the point where you feel that the marriage is in jeopardy, she has to understand just how serious the situation has become.
Is your wife active in a church or other faith community? Is there a member of the clergy she respects and trusts? Perhaps the person who officiated at your wedding? That person should be in a good position to provide the two of you with marriage counselling. Certainly the Anglican vows (and the pre-marriage counselling) my wife and I took made it very clear that sex in marriage is in no way sinful. Perhaps she needs 'permission' to be more open to it.
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (3 March 2013): The religion is entirely to blame. I grew up feeling like my body was something to be ashamed of because I was a woman and my "lady lumps" were just oozing with shameful perversion.
You are going to have to create chemistry between you two if you are ever going to make it work. You are going to have to spoil her selflessly and be extremely romantic before ever attempting to seduce her. Hold her really tight like you treasure her while you two are watching movies and softly kiss her neck in different places. Tell her things like you sometimes have taken for granted what a wonderful woman you married. Do not attempt to have sex with her or she will shy away...wait till her desire for you overcomes her unease about her body and then let it happen in the dark where she may be more comfortable.
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A
female
reader, katiekate +, writes (3 March 2013):
 She sounds very selfish to me. First of all, not enjoying sex?? Something clearly is wrong with her, and I doubt it is a physiological problem, considering that she claims "religious reasons" for everything else. Part of a marriage (and in most cases, any committed, long-term relationship) is sex. To not have sex with your husband on at LEAST a semi-regular basis is sad, and as I said, very selfish. Yes, you have needs, but does she honestly believe that laying there like a dead fish fulfills them? I think you definitely have grounds for being unhappy, and if you wish, divorce.
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A
female
reader, CANDY61 +, writes (3 March 2013):
Plain and simple...DIVORCE...she has too many hang ups.
Selfish...She's probably thinking sex is unclean because of her religion.
She probably can live a happy life without it and not caring about your feelings. Find a women that like what you like, that's what I would do. I don't know how you deal with her just laying there doing absolutely nothing.
You are too young to be in a sexless marriage. How in the world can she think she can hold on to a man without pleasing him?
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A
female
reader, Dorothy Dix +, writes (3 March 2013):
Hi there. Making love is a really important part of any loving relationship.
It is how two people share their love for each other. As well as show their appreciation for the other person.
And no doubt, this is affecting how you feel towards your wife, as a direct result.
Apart from this one problem area, how is your relationship with your wife generally speaking?
Do you get along pretty well otherwise?
Can you sit and talk about anything and everything, and feel completely relaxed in each other's company?
Do you have many things in common?
It definitely seems that your wife just doesn't like sex at all, does she?
For what reason, who knows?
Do you feel that you are sexually attracted to her?
Do you find her attractive - enough to want to make love to her?
It doesn't seem that anything is going to change now, as she seems to have made up her mind, and to her it probably doesn't seem like a real problem at all.
It is to you though, isn't it?
And after 5 years being married, one would think that any problems to do with making love, would have sorted themselves out with time.
However, this is not the case is it?
It seems that it could be coming to a place where you need to make a decision about this.
And unfortunately, that decision is whether to stay married - when you are not completely happy - OR, considering divorce.
This problem is not going away without some kind of intervention.
You need to sit down with your wife and have a very open and honest talk about it and telling your wife how it makes you feel.
At the very least, when she isn't an active participant in making love, that must make you question her love for you.
Because, it seems obvious that her heart is NOT in it.
When you have this heart to heart chat with your wife, it needs to be got out in the open, as to what you expect from your marriage, and what she expects from the marriage.
And ideally, they both need to match perfectly.
The other option - if she is in agreement - could be to see a relationships counsellor, who specializes in all kinds of relationship issues, including issues with sex and how it affects both parties.
If your wife point blank REFUSES to go down this path, which really is the last option, well then that may be your answer to this problem.
And if she doesn't see the point in doing this, that could be equated to not seeing that there is a problem.
A relationship cannot really survive for very long with problems in the bedroom.
And especially, problems in the bedroom without any hope of a solution of some sort.
It usually causes tension in the relationship, because without a healthy and satisfying sex life, it affects every other area of the relationship in a very negative way.
And it will probably only get worse with time.
And if she isn't willing to work on this area of the relationship - and you want to resolve it - well then you are not going to be very happy, and it will make things very tense between you and it will lead to many arguments over anything and everything.
So it really comes down to whether she is willing to do whatever it takes, to resolve this.
Please, do not leave it one more day to have this discussion with your wife.
The sooner, the better.
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A
female
reader, janniepeg +, writes (3 March 2013):
 No sex before marriage, because of religious reasons. Will not enjoy sex during marriage, because of religious reasons. No open relationship, because of religious reasons. Now not believing in divorce, because of religious reasons. It means you are damned.
It sounds like she has never been sexual in her life and has no idea what turns her on. I had sex when I was 19. It was very painful at first. I was also insistent that the one I lost virginity to was the guy I loved, although not necessarily before marriage. I broke through my barriers of fears and did it, just because I knew sex is supposed to be an enjoyable thing, and I love men. At the age of 35 if a woman doesn't know what she is doing then she never will. She doesn't have the concept that for men to be happy in bed, the woman has to enjoy it the same.
I think you should think about walking away. Your frustration will soon make you ungentleman. Enough with this religion. It is just a cover up for asexuality.
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