A
male
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes:I had recently discovered that my wife of 12 years was having an affair for past one year. I confronted her with the evidence I had and she admitted it. She has promised to end the affair, which I presume she did, and work on marriage. I do not want to divorce her because I have two young kids, though I would if she ever does it again. To spite her, I told her that if she wants to remain married with me, she should remain faithful, but should not expect me to be faithful to her as she has abused my trust. Frankly I am not interested in having any revenge affair. Since then she has become paranoid about my activities and though never openly said but suspects me of cheating on her. It is badly affecting the family environment. How those cheat on their spouses can become so concerned about their spouses cheating on them? I want to assure her that I would never do it, but I do not want to look weak and may be subconsciously like her suffering. What should I do to make everything as normal as possible?
View related questions:
affair, cheated on me, divorce, revenge Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
reader, anonymous, writes (22 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everybody again for their thoughtful suggestions. Since what has happened in my marriage cannot be undone, I am trying to exhaust all my options before taking any hard decision. Can anybody please tell me about marriage counseling. Is it of any use or just a waste of time.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): Excuse me OP but why do you have to leave?
Why don't you kick your wife out? You become the primary caregiver to your kids?
Stay and supress your feeling? Havnt you been doing this already. Your wife is the boss of you and the home and she has not answered for her adultery.
OP if you choose to behave like a victim then you only have yourself to blame.
Start taking pride in your life. Start being the man who know you can
Its time to be proactive or basically stop complaining that you are a cuckold.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72  +, writes (20 July 2012):
 I will be thinking of you since I know you are in a terrible position. I know people say staying for the kids isn't healthy, but you have already been doing it for so long, it probably would not make much difference. Sometimes staying for the kids isn't healthy, but I think that all depends on the couple and if they can peacefully co-exist. Other times the situation is so toxic it is better to leave. Good luck to you.
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (20 July 2012): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionI would like to thank everybody for being understanding and offering their advice. I am certainly in a unenviable situation. I have to chose the lesser evil: leaving and hurting my kids or staying and suppressing my feelings.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (19 July 2012): Staying together for the kids is not healthy. She had an affair and there is a reason that happened. There are deeper problems in your marriage and that also inlcudes trust. This current environment cannot be condusive for teh kids irrespective of teh good intentions.I would say your wife is being manipulative, trying to make you feel guilty into not having an affair or that you promise not to have an affair. Let her go?I would not stay with a spouse that had an affair as there will never be trust - we are humans. It went on for a year and would have continued had you not confronted her! SO she must have had feelings for this man! Sounds like there is other problems surfacing and this will never go away. You probably need a clean break and agree to an amicable seperation for the kids. Maybe in the seperation you both might find one another or she would go running after her lover. Sorry to be hard but you need to make a decision and the kids are just an excuse!
...............................
A
male
reader, MikeEa1  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 she was the one having the affair and now everyones acting as if it was you because you threatened it. make some casual remark that you wouldn't ever have an affair and couldn't imagine how she would and leave it at that. I wouldn't trust her. the kids will grow up and you have all got to be happy with your lives. believe me people stay together and make each other miserable much longer than they should because of their insecurities. 6 months out from a seperation and you'll be happier than you've ever been. give her the second chance that she doesn't deserve but don't do it on her terms and don't drive her crazy with insecurity as well.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (15 July 2012): What your wife is now doing is called Projecting!
OP suddenly your wife is not concerned about her 12 month affair with another man. Suddenly she is not bothered by the fact that she replaced you for over a year. She is NOT concerned that you caught her. NOW she suspects you because in a moment of anger and hurt you told her that you may not be faithful to her because of her unfaithfulness to you.
Its time to grow some 8alls OP and let your wife know that you will NOT tolerate her making/turning your home into a war zone. What did she expect? That you will just accept her cheating. Was she having sex with the other man? I have noticed that many female Aunts here have jumped to your wifes defense all because you reacted out of anger. Seems like misplaced sympathy to me.
OP your wife:
Lied to you
Withheld informatin from you
Replaced you for over a year
Her lies and half truths is what has destroyed your home and marriage.
So you have 2 kids. Do you think they will benefit from this unhealthy lifestyle: ano unfaithful mother and a meek father? Your wife has no respect for you whatsoever. Do you think it is wise for your kids to be subjected to a hostile environment. OP you may think that your wife has learnt her lesson and wont cheat again BUT she wont change her ways. She is now as controlling as before. She is NOT abiding by the rules you set out. Hey she had her affair and she still controls you. Just as your wife has no repect for you, soon you kids will do the same because of your inability to be the head of the household.
OP you may have to make some life changes, where YOU can determine whether your wife can be trustable. Frankly i do not believe that she can. There was no consequences for her cheating. Hey you also have no concrete proof that she stopped being with the other man.
LoveGirl
...............................
A
male
reader, aresu  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 i reccomend that you divorce her. she destroyed your trust in her, and even if you can work on that you will never trust her fully again, and you shouldnt, because if she was unfaithful to you once, what makes you think she wouldnt do it again?, when you take your marriage vows you already compromise that you will be faithful to your partner, and she has already broken that promise, so what would be different if she said that she wont do it again? she did it once already, so you know she is fully capable of doing it.
even if you have kids and a divorce would affect them, a marriage that is disfunctional is even worse for them, and besides your wife is te one who dropped the ball in the first place, she clearly wasnt thinking about the well being of her kids by taking the risk of ruining your marriage.
...............................
A
female
reader, jinxx  +, writes (15 July 2012):
 While I sympathize with the pain her affair has surely caused you, you have gone about this in a way that I don't quite think was appropriate given the circumstances.
You've said you don't want to divorce her because of your kids, but is that the only reason? You're not doing your children or your wife any favors by staying. Children are perceptive enough and if they're not feeling the tension now, they will be. Believe me.
Second, you telling her not to expect you to remain faithful was petty, spiteful and childish. This isn't a game where you try to one-up each other, this is your marriage and your family. Enjoying her suffering means you haven't forgiven her, but I'm sure you know that already.
Though what she did was wrong, when you confronted her, she was honest about it. She ended the affair. She has promised to work on your marriage, but you're not really giving her the opportunity to do so. Do you actually want to fix your marriage, or just make her miserable as long as humanly possible to get some sort of revenge?
Assuring your wife you'd never cheat on her doesn't make you look weak, it makes you look like a decent human being.
What you should do to make everything as "normal" as possible is to actually have a conversation with your wife, where you two can communicate openly without trying to hurt each other. Tell her how hurt you were and how hurt you are, still. Be open and honest, and be ready for some honesty in return. If you're going to stay in this relationship you have to be able to forgive her, or at least try. Otherwise, this will never work and worse yet... it will end BADLY.
...............................
A
female
reader, BondGirl72 +, writes (15 July 2012):
If you want to work on the marriage then work on the marriage, but do not play games with your wife just to spite her. I know you have been hurt and deceived, but If you can't be mature and honest about this (because you are the one now being deceitful), then you need to do the right thing and separate/divorce. That is a really immature thing to say after you've told her you want to work on the marriage. You can't come together and work on a marriage when you are making threats.
...............................
A
male
reader, JALOVER +, writes (15 July 2012):
Hi There
I is a little advise: call her whenever you are away from her. She will know what you are doing and where you are. That way she will feel informed about where you are and then she wont be "guessing", because the guessing thoughts are those that drive her to think the worst...
Also, let her know what you are saying: You are REALLY not interested into having a revenge affair.
...............................
|
