A
female
age
,
anonymous
writes:After 18 years of marriage my daughters found my husband's porn on his computer, they were thirteen and fifteen. They informed me because they did'nt know what else to do. A few weeks later I was checking why insulation was on the floor and found three gallon ziplock bags full of womens used undergarments none of which belonged to me. Next my fifeteen year old had me look at a picture she found on the internet of my husband in my dress and a wig my daughters used for halloween. I confronted my husband. He told me he had crossed dressed since he was a boy, but thought being married would stop it. He also informed me he "takes" other womens underwear from garage sales for what he calls his hobby. Our sex life has been replaced by his masterbation with other womens underwear. He will not go for counselling. What do you suggest?
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): It seams like you are very understanding of his situation and have been letting him go on with it since you found out. You have respected his lifestyle and now he needs to start respecting you. You need to tell him its alright if he does that on occasion, but not to the point where it interferes with your wants and desries too. You need to re-establish that sexual relationship and make it work. If anything have him put on some womens clothes while two of you have sex. Do something where he involves you into it as well. Tell him he needs to make sure he keeps this private and doesnt let your girls find this stuff again. Its not right for them so young to be finding these things. Just support him and love him, but also lay down the lay and say what needs to be done to make this work.
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): Hi. Well im sorry you had to find out your husbands fetishes this way. Im sure it would have been more thoughtful of him to tell you a long time ago rather than just marry you in the hope it would stop him wanting to cross dress! Nice man. Letting one of his children find him dressed up as a woman on the internet is very self absorbed of him. This medium has a lot of benefits but its sure dragged alot of things out of the closet for some folk!
Youre probably feeling theres been a huge breach of trust between yourself and him and i can understand you feeling shell shocked. Not everyone understands the need for men to dress up as women. As for aquiring other womens underwear. Hmm. Not sure i would particularly like my partner doing that as a hobby! I think its perverted if hes using their underwear to masterbate with, rather than having a sex life with you. IF you want to save the marriage ask him to go to counselling with you. If he feels hes fine and you have the problem then maybe its time to reconsider if you really can be happy being married to this man, who youve clearly never really known properly. All the best
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (5 October 2009):
 My two cents is that as long as he is not cheating on you, let him have his thing whatever that is! However, if it is interfering with your sex life together, then he needs curb how much he does it. One thing that does make me wonder, though, is why was there a picture of him on the Internet in your dress and your daughter's wig? Who is he sharing these pictures with, and why?
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A
female
reader, HonningKanin  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Can I ask what is really distressing you about him cross dressing? If that is a hobby of his, what is it that you really dislike about it? What about it is making you uncomfortable? What is the harm in him cross dressing?
I can tell you there are many men who cross dress for different reasons. Some like the feeling of the clothes, others like the way it looks. Some get a sexual thrill from it and others are on their way to a sex change, but above all MANY MANY of them are heterosexual. Usually fetishes are hidden because of scorn, or the feeling people will not understand or accept them. Your husband may feel either scared or insulted about going to a counsler.
He may be scared for the fact that his secret will not be a secret anymore and that he will have to talk about it to someone he doesn't know about something so personal. Imagine sending someone to a counsler for any other sexual behavior, fetish or not.
He may be insulted because he may feel that he has done nothing wrong, is not mentally ill and dislikes the idea that he needs to fix something he finds enjoyable and harms no one.
However I do think that BOTH you and he need to go to a marriage counsler to talk about this. It sounds like you need to dig a little deeper into your husband to know this side of him. You can either learn to accept him or judge and punish him for having a fetish.
I wish you the best
HonningKanin
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 The way I see it, you have three choices.
Talk to him and try to understand why he has these fetishes and maybe suggest some ways for you to be involved.
Tell him how disturbed and upset you are that things have changed so much and ask him to stop...or...
Ask him for a divorce if he refuses to stop or consider your feelings.
Aunty Em xxx
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