A
male
age
51-59,
anonymous
writes:HiIve been with my partner for about 14 months now, we live a fair distance away so we mainly spend weekends and holidays together though we are looking to move in together soon.Thing is, we get on fine, but our sex life just seems flat nowadays, we do still have sex maybee 2 or 3 times at weekends and she is still generous etc (i get oral regularly etc) but she just doesnt seem as interested as she used to be.Last weekend was an example of this... she has always found it hard to orgasm (apparently even when masturbating) but she always usually 'gets there' with oral etc...this weekend she couldnt get there. Neither of us made a deal of it (she said she just wasnt horny and was one of those things). But it added to the overall impression that a lot of the excitement has gone.Im at a loss what to do to get things back to how they were?. I am romantic in the week and when with her (poems/flowers/body massages etc) and i have even tried being a little naughty with her via text etc when apart.... she tolerates that but it you can tell she doesnt enjoy it.I know you should talk about this sort of thing, but ive always made it clear my ego can stand criticism and if she ever wants to try things differently or experiment etc im always willing. Im reluctant to actually raise this as a problem as i dont think she actually thinks there is a problem!So, any suggestions on how to put some excitement back into our love life would be appreciated. Thanks
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Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Hmmm... that doesn't sound right, for a woman to not even be able to masturbate successfully. Regardless of how young she is, (I am assuming she is at least 18). The first thing that she needs to work on then, in this case, is to successfully masturbate. Only then can you hope to make your sex together more of a success. Try to find out if she might have any subconscious sexual hangups from childhood. Was she told that sex is "dirty" or that it is wrong to touch yourself down there? Might this be something that is setting back her ability to orgasm? If not then try something else... Go to the sex toy store or order online a small vibrator that she can use to stimulate her clitoris. I am not talking about a vibrating dildo. I am talking about a device much smaller which is a clitoral vibrator, you should be able to find one online. That is something almost guaranteed to produce an orgasm. Let her play with that for a while. She needs to be able to gain confidence in her ability to easily and pleasantly reach orgasm, and then she should quickly learn to like having the orgasms, and be motivated to seek more orgasms. Next, get her a soft gel dildo which would be a likeness of your penis, and tell her to manuever it inside her to orgasm. Having the dildo, she can practice with it whenever she has the time and inclination and she will learn her body's response without the pressure of the sex act. She should thrust it in like a penis in combination with rubbing it against her clit and vaginal entrance. If she takes the time, she WILL find a way to reach orgasm with it, WITHOUT touching herself with her own hands. Then she is ready to take it to real sex. Best position to start with for her first sex orgasm, is her on top of you so that she has full control of how she maneuvers. Good luck.
A
female
reader, scythe  +, writes (5 October 2009):
 Take her lingerie shopping this weekend :) Buying something that makes me feel sexy usually spices up intimate times with me and my partner. Don't expect her to wear it every time though! (Garter belts take aaaages to attach to stockings!)
If she is struggling to reach a climax you could introduce a vibrating toy. It can simply be one of those Ansell cock rings with a vibrating tip, or a small "bullet" style toy - nothing that will replace your penis, but something that offers intense stimulation.
You are doing everything right by not pressuring her to reach a climax. I was turned-off sex when my partner expected me to climax everytime (to the detriment of my enjoyment). I explain to him that it's no fun when I feel under pressure and he will accept me attepmting to climax but wont press me if I feel I can't.
I know it's ideal for both partners to orgasm, but quite often I don't feel up to it. It's also ideal for both partners to be really "into" each session (really horny etc) and not just wanting to please the other... but real life isn't perfect and I often find myself just wanting to please him.
I find I prefer a lazy afternoon session, where I'm more awake, alert and excitable (then first thing in the morning). Does she like you nuzzling her breasts? That usually does it for me. But these things come and go in phases so gently ask her what has been turning her on the most recently.
Being open to trying new things is great. Try searching some sex-position websites for a new one to try. Have you tried having sex in your car? That's usually exciting.
Unfortunately, I've run out of suggestions. Your girlfriend sounds a lot like me. Try gently talking to her about it, making sure that you stress that you are not unsatisfied as it might put her off. Suggest that you both work together to create more exciting intimate times. The more effort you both put in, the more you should get out of it.
Good luck, let us aunts know how it goes :)
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (5 October 2009): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionHi HereAreMyTwoCents I dont think she is under any particular stress, and we have used sofa, floor etc before..As for the problems when masturbating, she does sometimes orgasm alone, but says she often just gets bored/tired of it and gives up...one of the things we did early on in the relationship was masturbate in front of each other...to get a feel for what each other likes. She couldnt get there alone and i had to take over.Like i said, we still have sex regularly etc.. and she has never (and would never) turn me down etc..but i want to be making love because she wants to not just because she is considerate it makes a big difference.
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A
female
reader, HereAreMyTwoCents +, writes (5 October 2009):
Things to think about...
Is she under a lot of stress lately? That can definitely put a damper on a woman's sexual desire.
Have you tried having sex in different places, not just in the same place same bed everytime? Not just different rooms of the house, but outside in nature under stars too?
Also, if she has trouble having orgasm even when masturbating then she definitely needs to explore herself more "down there"! Is there any reason why she has not done that yet? Was she raised in a conservative household? She sounds like a woman who definitely needs to be guided to get in touch with her sexuality and her parts down there more!
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