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age
51-59,
anonymous
writes: Hello everyone. This question is really me just wondering what you would do in my situation:Yesterday, my 16 (almost 17) year old little girl and her boyfriend came to me and asked me to give her permission to marry him. I was baffled by it, and shocked they would even think of asking me something of the sort. Clearly, my answer was a stern NO and made it clear that she won't be marrying anyone until she is done with college. Now, of course, she's not speaking to me, which I can definitely live with.But, to my question - How do you think you would react if your teenaged daughter asked you something like that? Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you all for your opinions. I did end up sitting them both down and talk to them individually about this situation. We're all on the same page for now.
In response to those who say that I shouldn't have told them "No" in such a manner or that I shouldn't have told her that I expect her to wait until after she is done with college:
I have every right to tell my child that she isn't getting married while she's still in high school in any manner that I choose. Also, I'm fully aware that when she is 18 she will be old enough to make this decision on her own. However, if she were to decide to make this ADULT decision before she is done with university, I will also expect her to take on the ADULT responsibility of paying for the 50K + tuition of one of her top choice schools (because that's where she's headed) on her own.
Just thought I would share my perspective on this.
Thank you all again.
- Peter
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male
reader, anonymous, writes (18 November 2010): I think you are wrong to say that she can't marry until she is done with college. I've known many couples who got married while one or both were still in school, and they've been happy together for many years (my own marriage fits that situation).
I also think you were wrong to dismiss them out of hand. Rather than simply say "NO!" you should have sat them down and had a talk with them, as adults. It would probably be possible to get them to realize that it is a good idea to wait, at least a year or two, on their own. But if not, if they really love each other and there actually is a chance that a marriage could work, you should let them have that chance.
She is your daughter, but you can't hold on to her forever.
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male
reader, rcn  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I would have handled it different, and talking to her and her boyfriend as individuals, instead of putting my foot down that firm and straight forward. Reason being.... Your daughter trusted you enough to come to you and ask your permission. In how you handled this, she may have lost trust or faith in talking to you about things that seem important to her.
If you want her to wait until after graduating from college, you must begin listening to her, and sitting down and talking out the reasons for what you would like for her to do. It is true that at 18, she can marry without permission. She can even run to the JP and not tell you until they are already married. So, if you want her to wait, and to see value in doing so, better, more understanding communication is required.
Remember to listen and don't just judge. She may be 17, but at that age girls emotions are real and that of a young adult, so with that girls experience real pain just as any adult would. You need to get her to agree to wait, using logic and understanding that she can relate to.
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male
reader, soon567 +, writes (11 November 2010):
No isn't the answer here,She'll just wait it out. Once she turns 18 tyhen she want need your say and the only thing you will have is a strain relationship. I would sit and talk.
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male
reader, hiro06 +, writes (11 November 2010):
I would have been more respectful and sat down and talk to them about before giving a stern NO and would taught them about the harsh reality of life. Because they are still kids and kids will go off and do stupid, ignorant things. So I would have sat down with the bf and this parents and rational talk things over. Because their still at the innocent stages of love, which we all have been there and they are just unware what it really takes for a marriage to work. Just because they are still kids doesnt me you should treat them like one. If you sit down and talk to them they will respect your decision and you and hopefully see your view point. Also, if you start liking the bf and start acting all bubby bubby with him chances are she will stop liking him just saying =).
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female
reader, CindyCares  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I'd would not think about it for a second and it would be a resounding "NO". Marriage is for adults. I think that even 18 is too young to get married ,but of corse I could not prevent a legally adult woman from doing what she wants.
You did right. Chances are that when she'll be 18 she won't even be with that boy anymore.
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female
reader, TasteofIndia +, writes (11 November 2010):
 I think you need to approach this in a different way. Teenagers, sometimes if you tell them no, things only become more attractive to them. I would tell them that you think their relationship is great, and you support them waiting until after college to get marriage. Like Cerebus says, you don't want her getting sneaky! Invite him over to dinner, show your daughter that you are interested in her life and the fella that she loved... but keep your guidelines solid - as soon as she's got a degree, you'll be happy to support their marriage.
Good luck!
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male
reader, Cerberus_Raphael  +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Technically, you could have or rather, you still can give them your permission on certain conditions. She has to finish college and they have to maintain a stable relationship with each other and you. You definitely have to keep an eye on the man your daughter intends on marrying. It is surprising but it is not unheard of. At least if she has your permission she will not seek a more secretive solution.
I hope that helps.
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female
reader, tennisstar88 +, writes (11 November 2010):
 Completely baffled..I would throw a chastity belt and lock her in her room.
Kidding, that would be inhuman. I have no doubt you made the correct decision, just beware when she is 18 and is still with this guy.
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