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anonymous
writes: I am heartsick. My teen son has always been a gentle, quiet, bright yet strong and determined young man, with high marks and good goals, for his future. We had him in sports--soccer, snowboarding and golf. He always love electronics with a a special talent for computer programming. He had high hopes of going into computer engineering. We encouraged his bright future and I worked many, many overtime hours saving the several thousands of dollars it will take to put him through post secondary school. (uni) Last week he told me he is quitting school.....with just 22 days to go in grade 11. I told him to get a job then, that he would pay room and board. He got mad at me. He's gone now and I am wondering if I pushed him out. I am sooo heartbroken, so saddened and can't make him see what a poor path he is on. I also found out he discovered a new pastime and that is...drugs. He is experimenting with Ecstasy and pot. He is now gone for days on end. He pops into the home here to shower, change his clothes, eat and go. Aside from doing this, I do not know him, he's a complete stranger. He has become agitated and seems to hate all of us...his family. When he is rarely home, he sleeps all the time and never says a word to us. When I do try to make sense of this with him, he calls me horrible names. He lies constantly, he has stolen money from my wallet. I don't understand this. We have been loving, supportive and good to him. He's been taught ethics, family values and now, it seems all he does is party, drugs and party. As I am writing this, I am crying. I could not tell you where he is right now...the past 48 hours. I have asked him to call and he won't. I have been given two very differing types of advise. Grab him off the street and get him into counseling/rehab or 'seriously tough love' him and let him hit rock bottom, all on his own. He is 16 and I can't just give up on him. ANyone out there with good advice on this pain and heartache he is putting us through. Which is the best route to go...please help?
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female
reader, pepper27  +, writes (24 May 2008):
 Hi HunnyI had this with my own son from the age of 14/15 I caught him sniffing anything from petrol to gas to nail varnish remover 90 cans of gas a week plus ecstasy and speed and alcohol all mixed, Of course you notice this sudden change and of course your going to be the bad guy as his friends are the good cool guys mum is the bad guy...I went to the police they couldnt do anything as it was not illegal to sell gas to teenagers then, Although it can kill the very first time or the 1000th time they take it and it did do its job well twice, I saved him both times...He was nasty cruel would steal my bank card and take all my money out, But I did not give in..There is one thing that I was told at the drug counselling group and that is, WHEN YOU REALISE YOU ARE POWERLESS TO CHANGE SOMEONE YOU THEN BECOME MORE IN CONTROL! I wrote to the paper I got in touch with my doctor and had him admitted to hospital I fought fought fought! The childrens bourd would come down once a week but as soon as he hit 16 that was it they did not want to no...At 16 the police called it a family domestic and that was that..He phoned the police one time because I slapped his face as he was going to light a cigarette but he had been sniffing petrol and would have gone up in smoke, They came out then...I carried on fighting never sleeping never giving up..Look for good rehab centres get all the help you can...Dont forget you, you need support hunny or you will breakdown.Get him sectioned if you have to, Yes he will be angry, yes he will fight..I told my son those words I just said " If you want to kill yourself I am powerless to stop you making your own choices, You are in control of you" That was 5 yrs later and he stopped, Its never been rosy far from it. I had him sectioned last year at 25 again for alcohol as he got violent..I no this is not my son, My son is a kind hearted soul with so much love....Its got better, NEVER BLAME YOU HUNNY! my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you with much love XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
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reader, anonymous, writes (23 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionDear Askoldersister, Thank you for your poignant tale of your own problems with the sad series of events that occurred in your life-that being a troubled teen who climbed out of this.. I hope your life is not adversely affected now, by what happened. Your brightness and wisdom, comes through in your posting, loud and clear.. So much so it tells me you are now on a happy, positive path in your life. Congratulations and please know,your wonderful words inspiredme even moreso, to keep the fight ongoing for my son. Yes, Rehab is expensive, and it takes careful planning. I am talking to drug counselors and getting a good support system going. An interventionist/counselor will definitely have to help us with getting my son to go. I know it won't be easy. But his family love him and we want him to have a future, even if he doesn't. I hope and pray thety will get through to him, what we have been unable to do. Thanks again, oldersister. Take care
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female
reader, Minelisse  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 Believe me I am familiar with your situation and more so with your oldest son. I helped my mom look for my brother a couple of times. It is good the family is uniting to do this at it is a difficult task.
I will pray for you and your family. There is a saying in AA: Let go and let God... just making us remember we cannot tackle this one by ourselves.
Best of lucks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you, Minelisse. You are a gem. Your advice and wisdom is much appreciated. I will take note of the reviews, as there are ineffective rehabs out there. I have had calls from the US, from outstanding rehab facilities that are very helpful, in my search. In Canada here, it's rare to find rehabs that take an addict for more than 30 days, which I feel is not long enough. It's simply not just the physical addiction that needs care, it's the psychological counseling he will need to face 'himself and his deeply entrenched attitudes and way of thinking' that landed him in this situation.. That will be the biggest hurdle. If he doesn't 'see the light and change his way of thinking' we could be back to square one. My son was home yesterday, but he flown the coop again. He's back out there and I have no clue who he's with or where he's at. I am in contact with support people here locally, as well, who are assigning an interventionist, a counselor to meet with him and...us. Now our biggest task? We will have to locate him first. I have asked the police to help me locate him, but they are not enthusiastic, they have much more serious issues to attend to. So my older son and I are going out tonight to look for him and hopefully we can get him back home, asap. Wish me luck...and pray for him. Bless you all and thanks for all the great advice! Love you all!
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reader, Tisha-1  +, writes (22 May 2008):
 You are an amazingly brave and wise woman.
In the not too distant future, your son will have the clarity to see that you have done all that is humanly possible to help him through this, and will thank you. It may take some time, and there will be struggles, I know, but it will happen. Keep your focus on that end clarity.
And I know that you'll take good care of yourself as well.
My very best wishes for you as you start in this process.
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reader, Minelisse +, writes (22 May 2008):
I am VERY happy to read your post. It seems you have decided to take an active role in this situation and that is the best you can do. Suggestion: when looking for rehab centers look for peer reviews, not only what the site say the do.
Moving afterwards is a definitely good idea. New people, new customs, new home. However, be very alert as they tend to look for the same kind of people afterwards and definitely help him enter and stay in a support group like NA. I am in AA and I have friends whose parents take them, wait outside and take them back home to the meetings. Eventually they will give them a bit more of "rights". Some of them have relapsed but some have stayed and are in college and they are taking it one day at a time. Best of lucks!
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reader, anonymous, writes (22 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you again, Tisha. There is no more denial here...."I" am the first line of defense here to fighting addiction, in my son's life.....My teen son is fighting the reality all the way and he needs a wake up call. He is not understanding the dire consequences of his actions. I am actively and assertively seeking rehab as I write this. It will be costly, it will be tough because the good, good rehabs are far away and as he is a minor adolecsent, I will have to go with him. While there, I will get the ongoing support and counseling that I will need to continue battling and keeping this 'evil' addiction out of his life and our familie's lives. I have been his life Coach up to now, and although we as parents, try our best, I can't get caught up in self-blame. I am not blaming the peer group that he's involved in...'he and he alone' made this choice. So there are certain actions I can still take that will help steer him person in the right direction and into a promising, rich future. So counselling will be good for me to learn how to become his ongoing support system, his addiciton coach, so to speak...because rehab is just the beginning of the fight.
When he is done Rehab and I am talking 6 month-1 year...we will have to get him out of this city and away from the people he has been involved with, up until now. It will mean selling our home and making a new life elsewhere. I am prepared to do all it takes to save his life. To all parents, who's teens are doing pot, chemicals...and acting out, like quitting school, and using self-destructive behaviors.....don't ignore it! Give them back their life...get them some help.
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2008):
Dear poster, I know this is so difficult for you to go through and my heart goes out to you. This is not going to be easy I know for you, but you know you are a strong person with only the best intentions for your son. I had one other thought for you that I'm sure you already have considered, but that is finding a local chapter for the family and friends of a drug user. People there will have been through what you face now and can offer some help and hope, as well as support for you as you tackle this thing. One place to start, I know it is for alcohol abuse, but it might lead you to the right meeting for you.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/english.html
From the webpage: "Al-Anon may be listed in the white pages of your local telephone directory. Cities with local information services are listed on our Web site. Many of those listed post meeting information on their Web sites. For meeting information in Canada, the US, and Puerto Rico you can call 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday through Friday, 8:00am to 6:00pm ET." Your flag identifies you as being in Canada, so I think this should work for you.
At least it's a place to start, to reach out for the support you're going to need in the upcoming days.
All my best, my thoughts are with you and your family.
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reader, anonymous, writes (21 May 2008): This is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThank you for all your amazing words of encouragement and insights. I am likely the same as sooo many parents out there. I am in denial and I needed a 'kick in the butt' and so many of you did that with compassion, with honesty and with respect, in your advice. Thank you. I found that what is delaying me in getting this process going for my son is this horrid denial. It is a very weakened state to be caught up in and I abhor it. And I think many parents find themselves trapped in that state of mind where we feel we can handle it but we can't. And then there is the confusion of not knowing who to turn to. I have been waffling and vacillating..thinking things like "Oh, he's home now..he's being all nice and friendly, joining us for meals...we got him back--all is ok." What a crock! He's not really but we want to believe in him. Don't let the nice smiles and puppy dog eyes fool you. He's manipulating. My son would look at me and say "Mom. I am off to visit friends..be home later". Then he's gone for days. So enough of this. I know my kid is in big trouble! He lies, lies, lies. He's secretive, and sooo good at getting out situations here at home. He dragged himself home this morning, worn out tired and hungry. He's sleeping now an he's not in school. He's not listening to family rules and he missing important appointments, does not show up anywhere when he is expected, and he lies about his whereabouts. This is NOT the normal signs of a adolescent just enduring the pains of growing up. He is on a self-destructive path. And no one can save but...the ones who love him, the most and the one he will end up hating the most...his parents. *sigh* He'll have to hate me then. And he may hate me for decades to come, but at least he'll be alive, well. and living a good, clean life without drugs...
Thank you, thank you...so much appreciated...all of you
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female
reader, ForverRed27 +, writes (21 May 2008):
Well the truth is. You aren't alone out there. There are many many families that have troubles with their teens like this today.
I cannot give advice or speak as a mother, but what i can give you is a little bit of the teen perspective on this subject matter.
As a 17 year old female in the 11th grade, i of course have been to parties and been in confrontation with drugs but luckily have stayed strong and have only experienced the "wonders" of pot and alcohol. But aside from that, i do have friends who have messed around with coke, meth, heroin, ecstasy, shrooms, lsd, adderall(spell check), pain killers like vikidin and smoked weed daily along with drinking weekly. what i have discovered is that no matter what, it IS apart of every teenagers life today and they are going to do it whether you like it or not.
What can be done is hard to say because i have found that it is completely different for every person.
i have a friend who used to do ecstasy all the time meaning every day. What ended up happening with her is that one day she just decided to quit. she was getting into trouble all the time and she didnt like it so she quit because she WANTED to. My other fiend has a little more of a drastic story. She first started out like everyone else....alcohol, weed, cigarettes...but what soon happened was she started experimenting with ecstasy, shrooms, coke and it spiraled outward from there all the way up to heroin. she ended up running away and no one found her till 3 months later. they put her in rehab and her friend brought her heroin in a present she brought her (a teddy bear) so she was still doing heroin in the rehab place. Then they moved to florida and put her in a rehab there. she then ran away from the rehab and retreated back to california where she originally was from for 4 months. she was just found last week and put back in rehab. She DIDNT WANT to quit so she kept going. Things spun out of control and alot of it was because she never got caught in the beginning before things got bad.
My advice is to watch your son carefully. Weed and alcohol can just be in a sense "harmless" teen fun. but as you said, he has started ecstasy as well which is definitely a stepping stone to do everything else out there. if you notice he worsening, i would advise you to try to put a stop to it. He is a minor and you should take advantage to the fact that by law, he has to do what you tell him. Rehab is a good choice, as well as an intervention, or some type of enforcement. but do not let him proceed any further!!
Also keep in mind, if you never see him or he wont listen to you...you can have the police arrest him for you and do what you want with him.
i hope any of this was a help to you at all. email me if you would like to know anything else!
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reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (21 May 2008):
I can't give advice as a parent, but only as one who watched a very good friend suffer from the disease of alcoholism and ultimately die as a result. I'm also no expert on drugs or rehab, so you have to take what I'm going to say with that caveat.
I think that if my friend's parents had acknowledged her disease way back when she was first hospitalized for an alcohol overdose, when she was 18, maybe she would have been put back on track to her healthy, promising, rich life. She recovered enough then to go on through uni, and work and even get married. But she continued with the abuse of alcohol and I think that is what ultimately led to her death in her 40s.
But she was also confronted by lots of friends and her husband and family and refused to go into rehab in her 30s and again 40s, so we weren't able to stop the progression of this disease.
So what's my advice? Separate the son from the addiction as soon as possible. Get him into a rehab center now, before this is something that is entrenched. Even if he goes kicking and screaming, I wish we had done that for my friend, because at least then you'll know that you have done everything humanly possible to deal with this.
You don't want to look back in one or two or five or ten years and regret that you didn't do everything you could at this moment.
Oh, hon, my heart goes out to you for this awful situation you find yourself in. It's not you or your parenting skills, this thing is a combination of an addiction and the availability of the drug of choice.
It's kind of like cancer, isn't it? You are faced with this awful prognosis, and you have to choose to fight it with things that will make you ill and have lasting side effects. But you have to do it, because you will regret not doing it for the rest of your life if you didn't give it your utmost effort.
Again, I'd say get him into rehab as soon as possible, even against his will; you have nothing to lose but your son, and it sounds like you're losing him already. He's not going to do this on his own, and there are so many awful things that can happen to a person caught in the grip of this thing.
My very best wishes to you and your family. You know I mean this from the bottom of my heart.
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reader, lexilou +, writes (20 May 2008):
 I cant advise you from experience or knowledge but I do want to say that as a mother of three my heart goes out to you. We bring them into this world and would die for them and do everything we can to make them happy but sometimes the paths they choose are not to our liking. I think at the end of the day you have to listen to both your heart and your head and do the best you can for him. Even if that means only picking up the pieces. As a mother I would want to grab my child and shake the shit out of him and some sense into him but i dont know if this would work. I hope another aunt can advise you better but I just wanted to know we are all here for you x x x
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female
reader, Minelisse +, writes (20 May 2008):
I am very sorry for your situation. My family has gone through a similar situation with both my brothers and this is a devastating thing to experience as a family. No one can tell you the one thing that can work because there is no one thing that works. However, I would encourage you to look for support groups for family and friends. This can help you have a better look at alternatives and how your conduct is or not promoting his behavior.
In my case, one of my brothers began with pot and ended up in heroine. This does not have to be your case. However, tough love worked. In one of his many violent acts he broke my mothers mail box and this is a crime. She called the police and had my brother in jail for two months. He made a deal with the DA with my parents help and he was sent to a detox program. He had been before on a voluntary basis and always left. This time he was sent by the State and thus could not leave or he would have to go back to jail for 2 years. He was there for 9 months. Now, more than 10 years later I can not assure you he has forgiven my mom although they have a nice distant relationship, but he is not in heroin. He completed a bachelors degree and is working. I believe he still does pot but he came back from heroine and believe me is a long way.
My second brother was not so lucky. He started to hang out with people he shouldn't have. He was killed when he was 22 years of age, about 5 years ago. The grieving process still goes on as you can imagine.
My suggestion? Do EVERYTHING you can, even if it hurts to do it. Look for help for you. Make him go into treatment as he is a minor. The end result is not your responsibility, you cannot MAKE him change, you can only use any and every resource available to help. And honey, pray, a lot... this is a very difficult road for a family. I sincerely wish you all the best!
Here are some links that might help:
http://www.na.org/
http://www.nida.nih.gov/infofacts/marijuana.html
http://www.addict-help.com/marijuana-addiction.asp
http://www.intervention.com/drug/marijuana_addiction_family_help.html
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female
reader, hlskitten +, writes (20 May 2008):
 Terrible nightmare isn't it, and worse for you as your son is quite young. My brother is 25 and we have been through a nightmare trying to 'save' him, but its hard work! He was about 16 when it started. She had a lodger at the time, and the idiot introduced my brother to drugs. My mum paid for my brother to go bancrupt 4 yrs ago, because he had run up 20 grand in credit card debts because of drugs.
I think both things you say are the way to go, love and patience AND tough love.
My mum has been at her wits end at times. My brother doesn't smoke pot though, he uses cocaine, and is addicted to it. He stopped for almost a year last yr but then went back on it again. He sleeps all the next day, because when they do that stuff, it keeps them up on a high bouncing off the walls all night. Thats why they find it hard to hold down jobs.
My mum used to give him money, the doctor told her not to, so she then just bought him food, but all that does is leave him his money to spend on drugs, but she wont see her son starve. My brother thinks life is one long party, and wants everynight to be a weekend. The doctor told my mum he cant cope with the boring hum drum life, so needs the high. Escapeism.
He has got drugs on tick before and been threatened with having his legs broken, so my mum ends up giving him money. But this has happened once too many and she has the strength now to tell him if someone threatens to break his legs then so be it! She cant afford it. And it makes it too easy for him. And she would feel horrendous if anything happened to him and she had paid for that hit!
She has sought professional help, and the best way forward they say, is to be there for him, tell him you love him, but not give him money and unfortunately let them hit the gutter, because usually they only quit once they have gone as low as they possibly could. Only then will they come up.
Have a look on google because there must be some help sites for families, where you are isn't going to be the same helplines as here in the Uk.
C xxxxxx
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