A
female
age
36-40,
*ammye17
writes:I dont even know where to start.....I'am worried that i might be heading for unhapinness for ever. ok so this is the deal. I am 22 with alot on my shoulders, not because i have to but because i choose to. i have 2 jobs. so this sat i came home very tired and hungry. i sat down to eat dinner and my older sister which has been "separated form her husband " started messing with me, in avery sisrespectful way. i am very mellow and calm but she started calling me whore and everything in the book. i dint resist and i called it back...she then started mentionig something very private and painful from my past. she had read my diary she went in my room and read my diary. she had always violated that..she wore my clothe shoes ect....she screamed in front of my whole family about my abortion that i had when i was 19....that stabbed my heart, that was something that took me a while to forgive myself to and to move on.she knew how evrything went. i started crying and i told my mom if she leaves or i leave...she dint choose...note my sis is supposely getting divorce because her husband treated her bad yet she has spend weekends with him...my parents have lend her the car and helped her and shes still sleeping with this man...i have always helped the family and given $ with no regrets but i cant stand he...i am hurt because my mother has not enforce the respect towards me...thats all i ask for... i want to move out i know they need me but i cant forgive her that was 2 much...i am resentful toward my mother also
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female
reader, Jayney Y  +, writes (28 July 2009):
 Your sister sounds like a spiteful scumbag. No wonder her husband treats her badly, I can only imagine what he has to put up with. Can you afford to move out of home? If your mother stands by and allows this sort of behaviour to go on in her house, then she doesn't deserve to have you contributing to the household. I can imagine your mother doesn't want to take sides against either daughter, but she is condoning your sisters bullying behaviour towards you, and that's just wrong. It's important that you stand up for your rights, and then stick to it, because otherwise this kind of anger can eat away at you and interfere with other relationships in your life. Good luck. :)
A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (28 July 2009):
 I have nothing but respect for you and your commitment to your family and work ethic. You deserve good things in life, not disrespect. May I ask have you calmed down now? And do you feel better or are you still very angry?
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A
female
reader, tammye17 +, writes (27 July 2009):
tammye17 is verified as being by the original poster of the question let me make things clear here i guess i dint...my mother raised 4 kids by her self while she took care of my sick father. my brother made his life my older sister married a man after 4 months of knowing him knowing our situation i could have gotten my things and left but no ichose to stay and help my parents out since i was 19, for them and my little sister. my mother has worked in factorys all her life getting pay nothing. I pay my car $450 with insurance I pay most of the rent $900.00 Phone bill and provide food. my dads disability check is a piece of crap and i look after my lil sis needs. I dont expect for my mom to choose sides we are both her daughthers i understand that or to kick her out. but i have worked hard with my mom to have what we have. Iam asking for respect her as the mother should not have permitted that iam not the authority of the house because of what i pay i respect my mom, shes a mom but she has to be fair
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): 1. It doesn't take blood to make family. If anyone at all treated you like your sister did, what would you do? I think you allow it because she's your sister and it's not your house. Well Screw all that. Your sister is no different than a stranger on the street. If a stranger treated you that way you wouldn't be that hurt, and it would not have lasted that long because you would have disabled that person by walking away. When you are emotionally and/or verbally abused in your own home, do not feed it with your attention: pretend that person is not there. Leave the room and go do your own thing.
2. You are over 22 years old so your mother should not be protecting you nor standing up for you. That's your job, it's not hers.
3. Set up rules for yourself: what will you do next time someone begins to disrespect you? Decide that now.
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A
female
reader, Tisha-1 +, writes (27 July 2009):
This can't have been the very first time your sister was mean and disrespectful to you. The hurt you are expressing sounds as though you've been building it for years. I think what you've been hoping is that your mother will for once, take sides. And I expect your mother is very torn, she probably loves both daughters and cannot stand to see them fight.
I'm sure part of your resentment too is that you feel you are treated differently than she is by your mother. It sounds like she gets extra support, while you are working 2 jobs and you get none.
I think sometimes in life, there is an imbalance in the way grown children are supported by their parents. In my family, this is the case. My brother needs more financial and practical support than I do, and my parents are providing that for him. Do I feel cheated or ripped off? No, he's the one who needs their support more right now. My sister's going through a rough patch too and they are helping her as they can. I'm fortunate that I don't need financial or practical support from them right now. The point is that it is not even-steven, but it is appropriate to the needs of the individuals in the family.
You should be grateful that you are in such good shape as to have two jobs, some people can't even find one job. I think you should look at this as something that is between you and your sister. Don't drag your mother in as referee; this is a lose-lose proposition for her. You're right, your sister should treat you with more respect. YOU get it, don't make your mother do it for you.
And if you know your sister borrows or steals things without your permission, lock them up or keep them somewhere else. Again, that's between you and her.
I'm sorry your mother can't give you the emotional boost of knowing you're her favorite, the 'good' daughter; she has a lot of stress with having all these people living in the house and trying to keep peace.
You said you have a lot on your shoulders, not because you have to, but because you choose to. Well, then, don't punish your mother or your sister if you feel that you are being taken advantage of. Stand up for yourself. And that doesn't mean shouting at your sister. That means taking the high road and behaving in a mature, grown up fashion and acting as the adult here. Just because everyone else is behaving as though they were having a spat on the elementary school playground, doesn't mean you have to join in. Be the grown up. You can't control other people's reactions or their behavior; you can control yours.
Go determine your best move, not from a position of pouting about your sister, but from a stance of "what is the best thing for my future, for my mental health?" Then go do it.
I wish you well with your family and I hope peace reigns again soon.
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A
female
reader, stilllovinghim  +, writes (27 July 2009):
Sorry to say this but your sister acted like a b**ch! I know she might be feeling very sad because well she's getting divorced but I mean she still sleeps with him?? Does she drink or smoke a lot?? You need to talk to her about what was so bad for her to be getting divorced and still be sleeping with him.. Maybe he's threatening her and only wants her for sex not for love and that's whats making her so rude towards you.. Also tell her to be respectful towards you and your stuff! If she doesn't cooperate with your help call a psichologist or a psichiatrist to help her.. Good luck! And I guess you shouldn't trust her with your secrets because now you know she can't keep them!
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A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Tell your mom that you are leaving because of the way your sister treats you and that you are taking your paychecks with you. If you are helping support the family then your mother acted inappropriately in my opinion. Consider this to be that push out of the nest some little birdies need.
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A
male
reader, LazyGuy  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 And this is why kids leave their parents, to create their own life.
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A
female
reader, boo22  +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Hi there, i can relate to you on many levels. Firstly i'm afraid theres no way your mom would choose between you and your sister,its unrealistic of you to expect that. Your sis sounds messed up and very unhappy and she's probably abit jealous of you so she's looking for ways to make you feel as bad as she does. Sisters know exactly how to hurt each other unfortunately. You are an adult, stop looking to your mum to solve your squabbles with her. Get a place of your own or share with a friend. At your age you should be independant. Problem solved. I'm sure your mum loves you loads. good luck
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A
female
reader, AuntyEm +, writes (27 July 2009):
 There is no doubt that siblings can be very nasty to eachother and living under your parents roof can be quite claustrophobic.
Your a young woman, you need space and privacy. Your mother probably doesn't want to take sides whilst you two are squabbling, even though your sister has said some really hurtful things. She is probably feeling very very mixed up with a divorce pending and it seems she's taking it all out on you!
There are two things you can never change...your family...and the way they act. The nest is just too full and perhaps it's time to begin looking for a place of your own. You say your family need you?...but if that is true then your mother should try to protect you from your sister.
In the mean time, keep your things locked away and stay out of your sisters path.
I hope your going to be ok...
Aunty Em xx
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