A
female
age
36-40,
*nhappyinlove
writes:I have been dating my boyfriend for almost 4 months. I love him and he says he loves me and wants to marry me someday, but here's the thing... he has 2 kids. Now, the kids themselves are not the problem. I am more than willing to come in and fulfill whatever role I need to fill since he has full custody of both of them (they have 2 different mothers). The problem lies in that he won't let me come around them. We live about 45 minutes apart and only get to see each other about every 2 weeks because he will not let me come to his house unless the kids aren't there, which is extremely rare. He always talks about missing me and wanting to see me more but I'm starting to get really frustrated because he won't do anything about it! This is pretty much the only thing we fight over because I'm getting tired of waiting snd he always tells me i can see them "maybe next weekend" and then changes his mind. Any advice would be greatly appreciated! Reply to this Question
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reader, anonymous, writes (12 June 2010): Hi...
I m so glad to have found your question.
I am 58 years old and have been dating a man for 7 mo.
He has 2 children , 25 & 26 and 1 with another woman that is 11.
He has never taken anyone around his 11 year old. Even tho the relationships had up to 1 year in time.
I understand his stand because I took my daughter through many serial relationships that did not last. She is now 30 and pregnant but does not want marriage. I am not surprised after my behavior and insensitivity to her emotional health.
My b/f is off with the family this week at the older sons graduation. He did invite me and then whne the son requested that the 11 year old come...I was asked not to go.
I accepted this (I am in a 12 step program) but today when he is with them I am feeling jealous and abandoned.
I called him after reading some things online about itimacy.
I told him how I felt.
As a recovering female sex addict, I wanted to act out today...and have to some degree with pornography.
However, after our conversation and his pointing out that this is a chance to grow. (I usually always leave!)...
He did give me a time line that by November I will meet her.
I will step out in faith that he will keep his word and means what he says. (he is 61)
Thank you for all of the answers...I believe his protecttion is the right thing for now.
But maybe discuss the ground rules and a timeline.
Brenda
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (6 August 2009): I would sit down and have a quiet talk with your partner before talking to anyone else - ask how he really feels and explain how the situation makes you feel. No blame. No pressure. Open honest communication is key to the survival of any relationship.
I met my last b/f one year after his separation from his wife and 9 months before his decree nisi. He wouldn't introduce me to his kids, even though he occasionally mentioned that he would. Throughout the relationship he was loving and affectionate towards me, driving across the country to be with me on alternate weekends - I carried on like this for nearly a year, then asked him why he wouldn't introduce me to his kids. When I did, he disappeared and has severed all contact. Quite simply, he wasn't ready for another committed relationship. A man who is will want to share his whole life with you, not just slot you in around his childcare schedule.
Divorce and the split of the family unit are, I believe, what damage kids of all ages, not whom their parents choose as friends or partners thereafter - within reason. After 4-6 months, he should be ready to introduce you to his kids if he feels that you could be his long term partner.
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A
female
reader, Unhappyinlove +, writes (28 July 2009):
Unhappyinlove is verified as being by the original poster of the questionThanks for all the answers so far guys... I'm sure the situation is best for the kids, it's just hard for me when everyone on my end is saying "well he must not really want to be with you or he'd want you around more". I think the main thing is that I get tired of hearing that every day... that's why I needed some unbiased input!
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A
reader, anonymous, writes (28 July 2009): Good for him! I applaud a single-parent who is willing to put their kids ahead of their own wants.
My brother-in-law and sister-in-law divorced when my niece was a toddler. Both parents then had serial relationships, and the dates were involved with my niece from the get-go. The poor child had serial people going through her life. She's now 18 and a mess.
You're on probation in this relationship. Until he's sure you're a permanent part of his life, he's not exposing his kids to you. I have to think that makes him one very fine Dad indeed.
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A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (27 July 2009): My b/f didn't want me around his children until one year after we met. He just wanted to be sure. I can understand because I'm a mom who doesn't want any serious changes like their parent's relationships to be in their lives. The divorce was a big enough change. When I allowed my boyfriend to be around my kids they didn't trust him and didn't want to be around him just because that's how children of divorces are.
I used to be offended when my b/f kept stalling to introduce me to his kids and then the years went by and now that my kids are grown, I should have never been offended or suspected anything because it is very very hard on children for their parents to be with someone else, no matter their age.
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A
female
reader, msiluvr666 +, writes (27 July 2009):
I don't think there's anything strange about him not letting you around his children. You've only been in a relationship for four months. If he introduces the children to you and then you suddenly break up think of how devastating that would be for the kids. I think he wants to feel like he will be spending the rest of his life with you before his kids are introduced to you.
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A
female
reader, jam22 +, writes (27 July 2009):
 Yeah,just be patient...4 months is not long enough to be around someone's kids...he may open more after knowing you a bit longer..Good luck to you..
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