| A
female
age
41-50,
anonymous
writes: ive been with my partner three and a half years and fell pregnant recently and my partner does not want the baby an dsays if i keep it ill be bringing it up on my own i love this man and dont wont to lose him butknowing i have to get rid of the baby to keep him is killing and i dont know which way to turn, Reply to this Question
Share |
Fancy yourself as an agony aunt? Add your answer to this question! A
female
reader, jordonshyanne5  +, writes (23 April 2010):
This happened to my sister. She had a steady boyfriend, but as soon as she told him he gave her 2 choices: stay with him and either abort or adopt out the baby, or keep the baby and never hear from him. She kept the baby and hasn't regretted it. Since the whole situation went down she found out alot about this guy, that she would never had known otherwise.
A
reader, anonymous, writes (24 December 2009): am going through the same thing as we speak.i went twice to the clinic and walked out at the last minute,even through am currently in school,and on unemplyoment.i went beacasue i wanted to do what would make him happy,however my heart just will not let me take "the esay way out".
however we have a one year together, and we lost our frist baby in 2005, when i was 6 weeks pregant.and he thinks that its all my fault,and i thricked him.
when i went on tuesday he didn't even come w/me, nor did he come the 1st time.mind u we have been together almost 5 years.
tuesday night he sent a text; "how did eveeything go". i sent back i got sick in the office and they would not do it.but they said if i want to come back i can.now am sure u r wondering why i would tell a liittle white lie like that.as u read the next pharghrap hopefully u will understand.
he has treatend me with everything in the book from, i take you to court to get full custody of her,i will not let you take her on a vaction ect. however because of my school hours and his work hours i spend much of my week at my moom's so that we don't have to juggle the baby in the morning. and he see us onj the weekends,whitch is working for the most part.
but now in addition to his other treats he says if i have this baby then i cant go w/him anymore.however she is medicaly needy at best and is doing well. but he likes to sleep in and if i asks him to do 1 thing for her for even 10 mins. he says"i worked all week, i know its so hard when all u have to do is go to school and be home w/her".
so now i don't know how to tell him how i feel. see u r not alone,because i felt very alone till i read your post.
i were u i would go to the clinic, and then do everything u have to, when they asks r u sure, then say no. it may sound carzzy but it was to only way i was able to make this choice.and u may come home asking yourself what in the world have i done.did i make a mistake when i walked out to truth is no, but we unlike the men in our life care about how they feel.
remember be it u who have to go through it,not him. and for the record i was raised by a single mom because my dad did this when she was pregant w/my sister.but she remarried when we were 4 & 6, they went on and had to more childern that r now 18 &19 and 5yrs ago they addpoted a specail needs little boy who is 9yrs old and no one would ever know. good luck
...............................
A
female
reader, cmtrim  +, writes (28 January 2009):
I got rid of my baby for my partner, i am still with him, but i wish i kept my baby, it is such a big deal. Think before you make your decision. Only do what you want to do, otherwise you may end up living with a life long pain of regret. I dont think I will ever get over what I did, and it hasn't got better and probably won't for myself! Think before its to late!
...............................
A
reader, anonymous, writes (16 April 2008): Hi. I am in your situation right now. My partner of 12 years who is also the father to my 6 year old son has said that if I keep the baby he won't be here but if I have an abortion and mope around then he will also leave. i can not win.It is a very hard confusing and frustrating time. You have so many questions running through your mind and as soon as you answer them you ask a thousand more.My partner will not even talk to me now. It feels that he has already made up his mind to leave. So I will keep my baby and wonder if he ever did really love me.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (13 April 2008): if he doesn't want to keep the baby, but you do just let him go. You shouldn't want your child growing up without a mother or a father.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): To bring a life into this world is a gift, one that must be discussed and agreed upon by both parties! It is not fair to the child to have to grow up with out his or her father and while you think the option is to do it on your own, this is a selfish act that will only make your child need effection and have to deal with daddy issues, etc... Insecurity will be that child's middle name. It is not about you. That child deserves to have both parents. Don't be that WOMAN.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (24 January 2008): Hello Hun
I went through the same thing just last year. It was agonising. I decided to abort as he was behaving unbearbly.
He is a lovely guy but made it clear he could not have a baby at that time. I was on my own completely. He changed overnight
A year down the line i do think back. our relationship is fine as I decided I didnt want to do it on my own so ultimatly it was my decision even though forced.
My advice is ensure you are doing it for the right reasons. For example does he want children or is it just now. Find the reasons and talk calmly. Let him know you are scared. Ultimatly your choice but a very difficult one.
x x x
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (8 October 2007): I went through the same thing 2 years ago and now find myself in a position where I terminated the pregnancy and married my partner, however now I am still terribly upset and angry with him for making me choose like that and yes I have even told him over the past couple of weeks that as well as love him I hate him for what he has done and hate myself for not walking away there and then. dont try to make other people happy hunny it doesnt work - you need to ignore every one and sit down and think hard about what you want!
I hope you make the right decision for you because mine certainly wasnt and after only 14 weeks of marriage looks like I have to decide wether to stay or go.
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, vina_101  +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Do you want to raise the child on your own? No
Do you want to loose your partner? No
Is he being selfish? Is he being unreasonable by making you get an abortion? Are you being selfsih? Are you being unreasonable for wanting to keep the baby?
You need to decide what is best for you. What would make you happier? A baby to love and care for but with no father? Or a boyfriend to love and care for with no baby? You don't want to choose but you know you have to. Talk to him about how you are feeling and come to a decision together. Either way one of you is going to have to compromise.
Some may ask: If a guy loves you how comes he doesn't want to have a child with you? He's probably just not ready or he's scared or he just doesn't want children. It doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't love you.
But as for a guy who loves you threatening to leave you and the child if you go ahead with it...Then I'm not too sure. Love is unconditional right? That's just my opinion you don't have to agree with it.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (20 December 2006):
 Right can I just point out that the below comment says it is from a 'male' reader who has had an abortion and is now pregnant - unless i am mistaken this doesn't quite compute.
Look, you may have had this problem, but it doesn't mean that this person will. Please take ownership of your problems, 'I had an abortion and it was hell for me'. You can't generalise your experience to the rest of the world.
Secondly, this guy is not an arsehole or a creep or anything else we may want to throw at him. You only now one side of the story....he does not want a child. How can this make him a bad person? He is entitled to his opinion as well, and a child is one hell of a lifelong commitment. Why are his feelings so invalidated on here.
Please before you give answers think long and hard about what you are trying to say.
...............................
A
male
reader, ilikesummer +, writes (20 December 2006):
this guy is a total ***hole. What the hell? You've been with him that long, and he doesn't respect or love you enough to want to keep the baby he made with you? This is upsetting to me. I have had an abortion, and it is hell for the rest of your life. I am 6 months pregnant now, and things are rough, I am depressed alone and broke, but I know I am doing the right thing. And yes, he will have to pay you child support for 18 years. And you will have help from the state being a single mom. And I would tell him, look I'm keeping it, and you can either be a real man & a father to our baby, or you can pay me 40% of your income every month for 18 years, it's your decision. I also think he may just be trying to scare u into an abortion by saying he won't help you raise it. There's a chance that once this baby is born, and in his life he will want to be a father. But don't rely on that.
...............................
A
female
reader, eyeswideopen +, writes (18 December 2006):
 You may have to raise the baby alone but he has to pay you child support. Make sure you know how to get those wheels in motion. Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, scared16 +, writes (18 December 2006):
 if u want this baby then u go ahead. wot your partner is doing is really unfair to you. if ur worried about being a single mum don't be there is plenty of support out there for you you will not be alone good luck on whatever decision you make!
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (18 December 2006): i totaly understand how u feel i hv just found out i am pregnant an my partner was happy but 5 days later he said if i dnt abort then its over an i will be bringing this child up on my own, i hv 2 children from previous relasionship i brought them up on my own as my ex left me 4 sum 1 else wen the babay was 8wks hes now 5 yrs old, i hv decided to carry on and do it alone although that may not be best 4 u, u need to decide what u want if u can cope its a life long thing but being a single mum is very rewarding dnt do it bcoz its wat he wants to u need to tell him what u want and aswell as listen to him if he wont listen to u then u will hv to make the choice alone,make sure its wat u want if u abort u may regret it 4 the rest of ur life i hope u do wats best 4 u take care miss w
...............................
A
female
reader, beautifulxxbrunette08 +, writes (11 December 2006):
 Darling girl,
This is very disturbing. Here you are pregnant, with a man who doesn't want you to keep this child. Does this or does this not sound a bit selfish to you? It does to me. Maybe you love this man, and you don't want to lose him...then maybe you don't love him (the way you used to) but are caught between him and this unborn child. Either or, you have to follow what Y O U R heart is telling you to do. If it says to leave him and raise this child, then do just that. If it says to give up Motherhood, and stay with this man, then like I said, Follow your heart! You should very much talk to him though. To set your mind at ease you need to at least try to make things right. I do think that you should keep the baby and raise it. If he doesn't stick around, then he isn't worth the air that you breathe. But sweetie, if you truly beleive that you can fully support a child and supply him or her with the love and nurture that he or she may need, then you do just that. like "eddie+" says, you will have to live with this decision for the rest of your life. So make your choice "worth it".
Best of luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, willywombat +, writes (10 December 2006):
Talk to hijm. Find out why he is reacting like this. You need to open up communication with him. If he won't talk then you need to not only look at what you are going to do about the baby, but also what you going to do about this so called relationship.
if you abort this baby and regret it you will not be with him in time as you will grow to resent him and it will cause your relationship to implode. Equally, if you do not abort and have this child and he walks you will resent him for leaving you to deal with this unplanned pregancy on your own. Either way you are between a rock and a hard place.....so any decision you make has to be the right decision for you and your child alone.
Good luck, please keep us posted.
xx
...............................
A
female
reader, pica +, writes (10 December 2006):
Lots of reaction here. I'm guessing this is an unplanned pregnancy and you've just found out. As a result he has completely freaked out. You yourself don't know what to do next.
Now, I think we'd tend to support a pregnant woman who didn't want to have the baby even if the father did. So we have to consider his point of view. He's freaked out, he doesn't want this. He may well change his mind in time, I have no way of knowing.
But you know him. If he's generally an unreliable, selfish, not very decent kind of guy then his behaviour fits and he's not worth much. But if he's generally a nice guy and you were vaguely planning a future together then this might just have knocked him out temporarily.
What are his reasons? Is it financial? Does he say that you could have a baby later but now isn't the time? Has he already got other children? All these things could be factors in his reaction. Are his reasons valid? Is he just scared of the leap to being a parent? It's a big responsibility after all.
You've been with him a long time and I think this will make or break your relationship. If you want the baby, have it. Simple as that. If that means losing him, so be it. There are other decent men out there who will respect your choices. He's still the dad, so - despite his current bad behaviour - he should be kept informed.
But don't, don't put his wishes before your own. Not for this. And a guy who demands that of you isn't worth loving or keeping.
Good luck.
...............................
A
female
reader, anonymous, writes (9 December 2006): If you choose him over your baby you will resent him for the rest of your life. I would cancel him out of this equation altogether. Do you want the baby? Yes, then make plans for your future motherhood,you and your child alone. No,then you have to do what is right for you at this moment in time. Him, forget the idiot, no man who loved you would make you choose. Whatever descision you make he should be out of your life for good.
...............................
A
female
reader, kellyO +, writes (9 December 2006):
 Hi there,
It is obvious u want this baby. If at all u decide to get an abortion i dont really see a future still in your relationship becos i doubt u will ever be happy with him from what i can read from the posting.If u also keep the baby it is going to affect your relationship still as he has already made it clear he wants no part in raising the child. So i think your best bet will be to do what is in your heart. Dont allow him to pressure u to make decisions that u would rather not.
Take care dear
...............................
A
male
reader, eddie  +, writes (9 December 2006):
This guy is a C R E E P !!He doesn't deserve you of a baby. The fact that he could put you in the position of having to choose and live with the choice for the rest of your life is disgusting. Why doesn't he want the baby. Does it interfere with his "me" time?
...............................
|
