A
female
age
30-35,
anonymous
writes:Hi guys, I'm 20 years old and have been living with my boyfriend for a year. Everything was amazing up until a month or so ago, we have been arguing a lot and I'm finding my self taking the blame for every thing bad in our relationship as I am trying to avoid a huge argument. We argue maybe 3 times a week about stupid things, but it doesn't stop at that, it always gets blown out ! I end up feeling really pathetic after as I have to apoligize for at least 15 minutes before the arguing can stop. I try to explain to him but it then turns into another argument! I have to say when we aren't fighting we have the best relationship ever, I love him and he loves me and he would do anything for me. We are getting married next year but I don't know if I would like to move the wedding a bit further away until we can sort out these arguments. I constantly feel upset and find myself wishing I could talk to my boyfriend the way he was when he first moved in. I don't want to break up with him so please don't suggest that as I wont do it x Thanks so much guys xx 3
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male
reader, Sageoldguy1465  +, writes (12 May 2012):
 I think you've included your answer... "..I constantly feel upset and find myself wishing I could talk to my boyfriend the way he was when he first moved in. I don't want to break up with him so please don't suggest that as I wont do it..." then "told" us you don't want to hear it. What to do????You may continue to delude yourself, keep this guy and this relationship - even marry - and then, in a few years, you'll STILL be in this predicament... AND will have far more complications in extricating yourself from it. Why bother????Your's and your b/f's behaviour is classic.... he gets control because you blame yourself for arguments.... That is how bullying and abuse start.... The culmination is often PHYSICAL abuse... and, then, the unlucky lady gets to correct the mistake she made in the first place. You're too smart to step in to this mess.....
A
female
reader, YouWish +, writes (11 May 2012):
 You're right. With these arguments popping up, you shouldn't even think about being married to him yet. Arguing three times per week isn't normal or healthy, and if that's happening, marriage should be out of the question until it's not happening.
You say that you argue, yet you are the one who has to give in and apologize for 15 minutes, or the arguing doesn't stop? You say that you can't even explain things without his escalating it?
It's not your ego that is the problem. It's his. He has to exact a profuse and groveling apology, or he keeps at you. This is not good, and not healthy. Sometimes, arguments don't need apologies, because sometimes it's simply a dispute that needs resolving.
Are you receiving pre-marital counseling? I have to say -- pre-marital counseling is one of the best things to happen to a couple looking to get married. Think about it -- there are pre-natal classes for new first time parents, school and training for the job.
The two of you should get together with a counselor or trusted NEUTRAL person and go through how to work together in marriage, from finances to planning a family to working out differences to addressing tough un-romantic issues.
I stress again...DO NOT GET MARRIED until this is resolved. Your life will be hell on earth if you keep up this pattern, because it descends into abuse if one partner has to browbeat the other into submission, right or wrong. That's not healthy. You shouldn't have to apologize 15 minutes before the argument is over. That's emotional punishment, not constructive resolution.
In case I wasn't clear enough...DO NOT MARRY HIM. Call off the engagement. I'm not saying break up with him. Tell him that the multiple arguments AND THE WAY they end are disturbing to you, and that you can't marry him until this pattern is addressed and stopped, no matter who is right or who is wrong. Suggesting premarital counseling to help give you the tools to correct arguments is needed, as you two can't go it alone.
Finally, if he's refusing to address the problem maturely, or he starts another brow-beating argument to wear you down and make you sorry you said anything in the first place, then breaking up must be on the table. You can't overlook things like this.
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A
female
reader, cheers  +, writes (11 May 2012):
 Please cool down. one of you need to give in by apologizing to the other partner.The purpose is to patch it up,leave unhappy moments behind and start new.Come on! Put ego in closet.Do it!
Is wedding preparation make you stress? How abt marriage consultant to arrange or ask friends to help out?
Create new situation. how? When is last time both of you have romantic dinner? Plan it. Let him understand that the relationship need two hands to clap.Tell him that you miss the moments together as last time. Let's patch the things up, ok?
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